Eddiebuckle

Let it go Alaina, you have done your part.

alaina742

There's an hour of my life I will never get back. That therapist was not helpful at all...

feeling-good

Gilmer

Sorry, Alaina. What's up with your trip or the paperwork?

alaina742

Tomorrow. I bet my boss cancels and makes me go alone. Which is fine, I don't really need to sit in the car with him...

alaina742

I've been up since 1:30AM. Let's do this damned thing already...praise Jesus I am off for 3-4 days as of 4:45 today...

Yesterday he accused me in an email of basically falsifying records. If he wants to pursue this avenue, I am prepared to do so only in the presence of legal counsel. I will be rising to this site in a separate vehicle, even if it means taking my own. There is no way I'm being interrogated alone in a car for 1:45.

Yeah...it's bad. I'm getting on that train Sunday night. What do I have to lose besides the money- and it's not taking away from bills or utilities or food...so why not? I don't even have the tiniest scrap of hope that it will actually amount to anything, but I feel like I'm fighting for my life here. I would dedicate this same level of energy to fight for someone else's cause, so I at least owe that to myself.

I feel gutted and hollow and like things are beyond being fixed, but what can you do? Wake up and keep trying. My mom asked me today, have you really put 100% into finding another job? And maybe I haven't. And maybe this is the time to start doing that, really going out there and hitting the pavement instead of sitting around waiting for school, which may or may not ever happen. And even if it does happen, even if they tell me I'm accepted tomorrow, what are my actual chances at finding a job in the two years? I will most likely still have a record. Better to move on now and worry about surviving instead of all this nonsense.

It's hard to be paralyzingly depressed yet in basically what amounts to the fight of my life. But when I look back on my life, I've fought the court system, I've fought my stigmas, I've gotten sober, I've come back from a lot of stuff. I'm not going to let these people or this situation break me. Even as I type those words, there is no real fight left in me, there is a voice in my head screaming that it's tired of fighting.

But then I think of the one case I am personally involved in that has Been going on for 7 years. I have to fight for me, so I can continue to fight for them. They give my life meaning. They inspire me, because they have never given up. The man said, as long as there is life in my body, I will fight this fight. I have to survive, because of people like that.

Gilmer

I woke up at 3 for no apparent reason!

Are there any TV shows on to keep your mind occupied till you have to go in?

Gilmer

Go, Alaina!

I am glad you'll be taking your resume to the new place. Just going on the adventure and getting out from your normal confines should brink some respite.

I am really sorry about this false accusation.

I am glad you've got the spirit in you to fight, even though you've been down for so long.

alaina742

I've been watching Netflix on my phone. Totally going over my data limit for the month but I need something!

I just hope my boss actually shows up. I don't know how long I can go on with this giant festering thing between us. I'm not willing to talk about the more legal aspects one on one of it but I do need to have some sort of communication from this person. As it is, I only see him once a month for a few hours.

Gilmer

I hope you will approach him in a calm and dignified manner. You are an employee who is worthy of respect. You do not wish him harm, per se, and you don't want to harm yourself!

There's a scripture verse that helps me deal when the **** hits the fan:

Ecclesiastes 10:4--

"If a ruler’s anger rises against you, do not leave your post; calmness can lay great offenses to rest."

alaina742

I just want to completely shut down. Unplug the phone, to back to bed and be done with all of it. It's almost overpowering me.

I keep telling myself this isn't the same as when you went to court. You are not going to be railroaded here. But even the thought of someone saying I did something illegal paralyzes me with fear. I was already convicted once with very little evidence. To be honest, I'm terrified.

I've actually had panic attacks because the cops came up behind me wih their lights on, not even to pull me over. I'm so, so terrified of anything legal. I simply cannot go through that again. I honestly would rather be dead. Because I know I will lose. Again.

I honestly do not know how I am going to get through this day. I really don't. I keep telling myself I've done worse things than this, just get through these few hours but right now it's excruciating and every fiber of self preservation is telling me to cut my losses and run.

Gilmer

You are not guilty. Count the moments till you can call your lawyer.

alaina742

I don't actually have a lawyer and I don't have money to hire one. I have never had a positive experience with lawyers...So hopefully it won't come to that. They really have nothing on me. It would be a very weak case. It's ridiculous to even say I falsified records. It just sets the fear of God in me because of my past.

Gilmer

I'm praying for your best interests! I'm hoping that things will unfold in which you are at peace, unhounded by either the present or the past.

alaina742

Thanks

alaina742

I think the worst of it is over. We STILL haven't given the guy the papers. My boss isn't mad at me. Ironically, he asked me if I bid on the new supervisor job ??????? Of course I said no! One day I'm defrauding the place, the next he is asking if I am trying to be a supervisor. When I said no he asked why not. I seriously don't get it, but the important thing is we are getting along.

The opportunity to go to serve the papers is possible for tomorrow. If I go tomorrow, I will be off on Monday and possibly get to take the train trip. Even not, is rather just get it over with tomorrow and have a three day weekend.

Thanks everyone for talking to me!

Gilmer

I'm so relieved he's not mad at you!

alaina742

For anyone who cares, we finally issued that damn order! We went on Monday and the guy was dodging us but we finally caught up with him.

I have my performance evaluation tomorrow at work...I'm not worried. Even if it's not so great, it's not like I'm trying to move up in the organization...