Boyfriend recovering from heroin addition wants me to be sober
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Boyfriend recovering from heroin addition wants me to be sober
I've (24, f) been with my boyfriend (27, m) for 4 years. He has been in recovery for heroin abuse for the last 2 years of our relationship. I don't drink around him, but from time-to-time, I do like to go out and have a good time with friends. This has never been an issue in the past, but the past couple months he has become increasingly more irritated about it and a couple weeks ago he told me he can't be with someone who drinks. There was more to the conversation, but that was the just of it. I understand this sentiment, and at the time I agreed because it should go without saying that I love him more than I like to drink, which I really don't do that much to begin with. However, I do feel slightly conflicted about it because I'm not sure if he's telling the truth about his reasoning behind this request. I feel like it affects my other relationships because, being young, many of my friends drink as a form of socializing. He is giving me an ultimatum and to me, it feels like he's trying to control me and keep me to himself. At this point, it doesn't just feel like I'm choosing him over alcohol. That would be an easy choice. This kind of feels like I'm choosing him over my friends, which isn't as easy of a decision.
I feel like what I do when I'm not with him shouldn't affect his sobriety. I'm getting a strange feeling that this has more to do with him feeling insecure or having trust issues, than it does his actual sobriety. I don't want to invalidate his feelings, but I feel like he is trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants by using his sobriety as an excuse. Lately, he has become really clingy and controlling about who I hang out with, which is new for us. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with this without making him feel like I'm saying his opinions aren't valid. I would stop drinking in an instant if I thought that would be putting his sobriety at risk, but I don't especially want to if it has more to do with him being insecure and trying to control me. I would rather deal with that as a separate issue, and address why he feels that way instead of changing the way I sometimes choose to spend a Friday night with friends.
We really do have a healthy, nice relationship. This is just a new issue that has come up that I'm really just not sure how to handle. I do see an addictions counselor so that I can avoid any behavior that would be bad for him. I love him, and I want to do what's right.
I feel like what I do when I'm not with him shouldn't affect his sobriety. I'm getting a strange feeling that this has more to do with him feeling insecure or having trust issues, than it does his actual sobriety. I don't want to invalidate his feelings, but I feel like he is trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants by using his sobriety as an excuse. Lately, he has become really clingy and controlling about who I hang out with, which is new for us. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with this without making him feel like I'm saying his opinions aren't valid. I would stop drinking in an instant if I thought that would be putting his sobriety at risk, but I don't especially want to if it has more to do with him being insecure and trying to control me. I would rather deal with that as a separate issue, and address why he feels that way instead of changing the way I sometimes choose to spend a Friday night with friends.
We really do have a healthy, nice relationship. This is just a new issue that has come up that I'm really just not sure how to handle. I do see an addictions counselor so that I can avoid any behavior that would be bad for him. I love him, and I want to do what's right.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Is he asking you to stop drinking or is he asking you to stop spending time with your friends? Because those are two different things to me. Can you go out with your friends and hang out and not drink?
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Maybe he is just worried about you. Do you have to drink when you go out? Can you have a good time without drinking? Try being sober for once and see if you really need to drink.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Well, I was concerned because his clingy/controlling behavior lately has made me feel like his request for me to stop drinking had something to do with his recent behavior. I felt like he just wanted control over who I was hanging out with or what I was doing. I have no problem stopping drinking if he wants it for his sobriety, but if he wants it as a way to control my behavior, that another thing entirely...
I tried to talk to him about it today, and it went horribly. I wish I had never brought it up because it seems to have put our 4 year long relationship in jeopardy. I plan on stopping because no matter why he wants me to stop, it's really not worth the huge fight we're having over it.
I tried to talk to him about it today, and it went horribly. I wish I had never brought it up because it seems to have put our 4 year long relationship in jeopardy. I plan on stopping because no matter why he wants me to stop, it's really not worth the huge fight we're having over it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
I am definitely thinking that the request, though reasonable, is more than just drinking. Can you tell yourself your other relationships with your friends are healthy and also could be nurtured as part of your life? Meaning, are you losing opportunities to have a balanced life?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by sbk77729 
Well, I was concerned because his clingy/controlling behavior
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
I can understand not drinking around HIM, but can't see why you can't have social drinks with friends. That seems unfair to me.
Healthy relationships are built on independence and having friends of our own not insecurity, neediness and control. You don't have to get sober for him imo, that's his task. I wouldn't drink around him, but......with friends...that's YOUR life.
Maybe his attitude will change as he settles into recovery and learns that it is great, and will not care less if you drink socially or not.
As an *alcoholic* myself I don't care if other people drink, just so long as I don't. And that's how it should be, imo. Healthy.
Healthy relationships are built on independence and having friends of our own not insecurity, neediness and control. You don't have to get sober for him imo, that's his task. I wouldn't drink around him, but......with friends...that's YOUR life.
Maybe his attitude will change as he settles into recovery and learns that it is great, and will not care less if you drink socially or not.
As an *alcoholic* myself I don't care if other people drink, just so long as I don't. And that's how it should be, imo. Healthy.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
If you can take it or leave it, then quitting drinking is no big deal and isn't a bad thing for anyone really. It's a nice show of solidarity for partners to do for each other imo. However, If he's not wanting you to be with your friends or have any life outside of him, then that's a very bad sign.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
My husband has a heart condition that prevents him from drinking alcohol. The first couple years after he was diagnosed I refrained from drinking around him because I knew he was just having a hard time of it. He didn't ask me to - I just did it. After a while, as he came to terms with his condition, it got better, and now we even have beer in the house.
He also couldn't do anything that ran a higher risk of falling, such as horseback riding. He never stopped me from doing the sports I loved, nor would he ever dream of it, just because he couldn't do it. I went out biking with my friends almost every weekend, and he told me I should continue. As he put it, "You're running/biking for both of us."
So my take:
To stop drinking around him? That's a fairly reasonable request.
To stop drinking with your friends? Not so much.
To stop hanging out with your friends? That's completely unreasonable and controlling.
Does he have any friends that he can hang out with? Or did he lose them when he entered recovery? That might be coming into play too. That said, you can't make his friends for him.
He also couldn't do anything that ran a higher risk of falling, such as horseback riding. He never stopped me from doing the sports I loved, nor would he ever dream of it, just because he couldn't do it. I went out biking with my friends almost every weekend, and he told me I should continue. As he put it, "You're running/biking for both of us."
So my take:
To stop drinking around him? That's a fairly reasonable request.
To stop drinking with your friends? Not so much.
To stop hanging out with your friends? That's completely unreasonable and controlling.
Does he have any friends that he can hang out with? Or did he lose them when he entered recovery? That might be coming into play too. That said, you can't make his friends for him.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
So after a couple of hours of cooling down, we were able to have a better conversation about it.
He claims he doesn't wish to spend his life with someone who drinks. He expects me to just accept this as fact, but I personally attribute it to other reasons.
1). He is insecure/has definite trust issues and is afraid I may make a bad decision while drinking (i.e. cheat on him). No amount of reassuring on my part seems to help with that, even though I have never given him any reason to believe that I would.
2). He is jealous that I am able to socially drink, while he is not. About a year back he made a comment to me about this. I never really thought much about it until this recent conversation.
3). He had to drop most of his friends when he first entered recovery. I understand recovery can be a difficult and lonely time for addicts. It makes sense for him to want someone to share this loneliness with, but it's not fair of him to demand it by hanging our relationship over my head.
Basically, I don't doubt that my drinking is sometimes difficult for him in recovery, but I'm still on the fence of the fairness of it. Of course, I am perfectly capable of hanging out with my friends without drinking, but sometimes I'll want to partake. I believe his reasoning for asking me to stop is based more on his selfishness then it is on his sobriety. Regardless, I'm going to stop for right now. As some of you have pointed out, it may not be a permanent thing. If it's what he needs right now, then I'll do what I can to make it easier for him. I'm hoping that our conversation has put an end to the controlling bahavior.
He claims he doesn't wish to spend his life with someone who drinks. He expects me to just accept this as fact, but I personally attribute it to other reasons.
1). He is insecure/has definite trust issues and is afraid I may make a bad decision while drinking (i.e. cheat on him). No amount of reassuring on my part seems to help with that, even though I have never given him any reason to believe that I would.
2). He is jealous that I am able to socially drink, while he is not. About a year back he made a comment to me about this. I never really thought much about it until this recent conversation.
3). He had to drop most of his friends when he first entered recovery. I understand recovery can be a difficult and lonely time for addicts. It makes sense for him to want someone to share this loneliness with, but it's not fair of him to demand it by hanging our relationship over my head.
Basically, I don't doubt that my drinking is sometimes difficult for him in recovery, but I'm still on the fence of the fairness of it. Of course, I am perfectly capable of hanging out with my friends without drinking, but sometimes I'll want to partake. I believe his reasoning for asking me to stop is based more on his selfishness then it is on his sobriety. Regardless, I'm going to stop for right now. As some of you have pointed out, it may not be a permanent thing. If it's what he needs right now, then I'll do what I can to make it easier for him. I'm hoping that our conversation has put an end to the controlling bahavior.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My husband doesn't drink at all, I drink very little, a glass of wine with dinner maybe once a month.
We each hang out with people who enjoy a drink, visiting each other or when we are out for dinner or lunch. Neither of us likes to be with anyone who is drunk and neither of us likes the bar scene.
This works for us both, when we are together or apart with our friends.
I understand your husband not wanting to be around alcohol or people who drink a lot, especially this early in his sobriety.
You have to decide what is important to you and what is not, and take it from there. It's your choice to make but under the circumstances his feelings should be considered.
This has nothing to do with whether you hang out with your friends or not unless hanging out with them involves excessive drinking...in which case you may want to examine your own motives.
I hope you can work this out.
We each hang out with people who enjoy a drink, visiting each other or when we are out for dinner or lunch. Neither of us likes to be with anyone who is drunk and neither of us likes the bar scene.
This works for us both, when we are together or apart with our friends.
I understand your husband not wanting to be around alcohol or people who drink a lot, especially this early in his sobriety.
You have to decide what is important to you and what is not, and take it from there. It's your choice to make but under the circumstances his feelings should be considered.
This has nothing to do with whether you hang out with your friends or not unless hanging out with them involves excessive drinking...in which case you may want to examine your own motives.
I hope you can work this out.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
