relationship relapse: why can't I just cut ties already
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 44
relationship relapse: why can't I just cut ties already
hey everyone,
I've been lurking in the shadows the last 6 months or so. I swear if it weren't for this board, I'd probably have developed some kind of (more serious) mental health issues. Reading the forums always comforts me.
After my last post in June, life with my ABF continued to spiral. In August I said ENOUGH!! SCREW THIS!! I packed up my truck & all my stuff from his house and moved back home (2.5 hours away in a different city) At first it was heartbreaking. The straw that broke the camels back was the fact he forgot my birthday. He felt bad about it after the fact, but really, I had no expectations & sadly it wasn't a huge surprise. But it still hurt. I moved back in with my parents. It feels pretty lame, but what can I do right now. Fast forward, ABF and I live in different cities now. I re-applied for University in my hometown, and to my surprise I got accepted into the program I was hoping for : Social Work. I am immensely proud of myself for getting back in to school after 7 years of a "break". I start classes in a couple of weeks and I'm really looking forward to have school to focus on.
The only problem is, I haven't cut ties even though I moved. I still love this man so much. He managed to stop using for a period of time ... which is why I think I kept in contact. I don't know. I feel like my codependency is at the top of the top for most severe that you could imagine. I only see him approximately once a month. I will come for a couple days, sometimes a long weekend .... and every time I do, it's like the feeling of disappointment gets heavier & heavier. I keep telling myself, you don't need to come back here. Why are you doing this to yourself. You know better.
And then I do it again. It's so real how they say codependents are addicted to the person they're in a relationship with, addicted to trying to fix & save them. It sick. I just can't seem to quit him. I'm here with him right now. Although he isn't home, he is off somewhere on the hunt for Xanax. Meth. Fentanyl. Anything he can get his hands on. His ever-escalating addiction, he will use just about anything these days.
I catch a bus home at 8:30 am, and I always leave feeling defeated and angry at myself. I should have known better. Why did I think it would be different this time? It's never going to be different. I feel like a pathetic slave to his addiction. Like I am being held hostage. He blames me for his relapse. "You left me, you moved away, of course I wanted to get high"
I just want to know, has anyone been in this deep? I'm sure there are some of you. This relationship has consumed the last 5.5 years of my life. I am not married to him, we do not have children. Wtf do I stick around for? I just have this sick idea in my head of what I thought I wanted, it's nothing but a fantasy really. and for some reason part of me still thinks he fits the bill. I'm a smart woman. I have given a lot of advice to people.... so Why can I never seem to take my own advice. I really must have.... literally no self respect.
How do you just cut the ties when you're so entwined in somebodies life? Even from another city .... I still feel this way. I'm worried about him affecting my ability to do school, but I am going to refuse to let him. I'm also absolutely terrified on how to live life without him. I fear being alone. Without him I don't really have much of a friend group. I feel sick even thinking about it.
If you're reading this, relating to it, & are in the early stages of your relationship GET OUT NOW. For the love of god run. No one, I repeat, no one wants to be where I'm at right now. Being in a relationship with a toxic person in active addiction for so long, you lose parts of yourself that I'm not sure I'll ever get back. It's what made me "ME", before the destruction. Nowadays, I'm not so sure who "I" am anymore.
I know I've made SLIGHT improvements with my living scenario & taking a few baby steps away from him distancing myself physically. But I still have a long way to go.
Big thank you again to this board and everyone here who reads my posts and has reached out. You guys are so important <3
I've been lurking in the shadows the last 6 months or so. I swear if it weren't for this board, I'd probably have developed some kind of (more serious) mental health issues. Reading the forums always comforts me.
After my last post in June, life with my ABF continued to spiral. In August I said ENOUGH!! SCREW THIS!! I packed up my truck & all my stuff from his house and moved back home (2.5 hours away in a different city) At first it was heartbreaking. The straw that broke the camels back was the fact he forgot my birthday. He felt bad about it after the fact, but really, I had no expectations & sadly it wasn't a huge surprise. But it still hurt. I moved back in with my parents. It feels pretty lame, but what can I do right now. Fast forward, ABF and I live in different cities now. I re-applied for University in my hometown, and to my surprise I got accepted into the program I was hoping for : Social Work. I am immensely proud of myself for getting back in to school after 7 years of a "break". I start classes in a couple of weeks and I'm really looking forward to have school to focus on.
The only problem is, I haven't cut ties even though I moved. I still love this man so much. He managed to stop using for a period of time ... which is why I think I kept in contact. I don't know. I feel like my codependency is at the top of the top for most severe that you could imagine. I only see him approximately once a month. I will come for a couple days, sometimes a long weekend .... and every time I do, it's like the feeling of disappointment gets heavier & heavier. I keep telling myself, you don't need to come back here. Why are you doing this to yourself. You know better.
And then I do it again. It's so real how they say codependents are addicted to the person they're in a relationship with, addicted to trying to fix & save them. It sick. I just can't seem to quit him. I'm here with him right now. Although he isn't home, he is off somewhere on the hunt for Xanax. Meth. Fentanyl. Anything he can get his hands on. His ever-escalating addiction, he will use just about anything these days.
I catch a bus home at 8:30 am, and I always leave feeling defeated and angry at myself. I should have known better. Why did I think it would be different this time? It's never going to be different. I feel like a pathetic slave to his addiction. Like I am being held hostage. He blames me for his relapse. "You left me, you moved away, of course I wanted to get high"
I just want to know, has anyone been in this deep? I'm sure there are some of you. This relationship has consumed the last 5.5 years of my life. I am not married to him, we do not have children. Wtf do I stick around for? I just have this sick idea in my head of what I thought I wanted, it's nothing but a fantasy really. and for some reason part of me still thinks he fits the bill. I'm a smart woman. I have given a lot of advice to people.... so Why can I never seem to take my own advice. I really must have.... literally no self respect.
How do you just cut the ties when you're so entwined in somebodies life? Even from another city .... I still feel this way. I'm worried about him affecting my ability to do school, but I am going to refuse to let him. I'm also absolutely terrified on how to live life without him. I fear being alone. Without him I don't really have much of a friend group. I feel sick even thinking about it.
If you're reading this, relating to it, & are in the early stages of your relationship GET OUT NOW. For the love of god run. No one, I repeat, no one wants to be where I'm at right now. Being in a relationship with a toxic person in active addiction for so long, you lose parts of yourself that I'm not sure I'll ever get back. It's what made me "ME", before the destruction. Nowadays, I'm not so sure who "I" am anymore.
I know I've made SLIGHT improvements with my living scenario & taking a few baby steps away from him distancing myself physically. But I still have a long way to go.
Big thank you again to this board and everyone here who reads my posts and has reached out. You guys are so important <3
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug.
There will come a moment when it will become irrevocably clear that whatever it is that ties you to this toxic situation is just going to have to go. The end. It probably won't even be a huge incident. It will just be that final straw.
Be watching for that moment...it's your ticket to a better life.
There will come a moment when it will become irrevocably clear that whatever it is that ties you to this toxic situation is just going to have to go. The end. It probably won't even be a huge incident. It will just be that final straw.
Be watching for that moment...it's your ticket to a better life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. I can tell you it took a good 6 months for me to start feeling okay. I nearly lost my mind- I was an absolute wreck. I lost so much weight I looked like I was the drug addict, not him. But things slowly got better and better. Now I'm really thrilled with my new life. I'm so glad I finally made the decision to leave. Life is opening up for me. I have friends! I never did when I was with him. I had completely revolved my life around him. I had so many fears about leaving, and now I can see they were completely unfounded. He, of course, fed those fears by telling me if I ever left him I'd be alone forever and no one would ever love me like he did. His mother basically told me the same thing. Well, if loving me like he did means stealing, lying, and betraying me, then guess what? I don't want that kind of love!
Believe me when I say things will get much, much better. You just have to to trust yourself. Stop trusting him- you've seen where that's gotten you.
Blessings.
Believe me when I say things will get much, much better. You just have to to trust yourself. Stop trusting him- you've seen where that's gotten you.
Blessings.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
Immerse yourself in your school life. Go the extra mile and rely study, connect with people there. It's a great achievement getting in to school, you picked a great career. Great, well earned new start.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 2
Nothing is wrong with you. You're in love with the person you thought he could have been and you have invested a lot of time and effort into the relationship. I was in a similar situation and decided to cut my AXBF out of my life completely. Once I did doors started opening up for me and a rush of positive energy came into my life. Study hard and get good grades. You deserve to succeed. Try to find a hobby where you can meet new and positive people. When we broke up I immersed myself into the aerial arts and yoga. It's going to hurt to let go, but you're going to be so glad that you did. I know what it's like to look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back. Sending an infinite amount of hugs your way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Congratulations on getting accepted into the university program, that's huge! 😀
Think of this as a door opening into a better and brighter future, preferably without drugs or addiction. It took me years to finally walk away but I realized that one of us had to make a change (and it wasn't going to be him), otherwise the rest of my life was going to be consumed by this horrible cycle.
I felt like the joy and happiness had been sucked out of my life. Then I realized that it wasn't just happening to me, I was LETTING this happen to me. I was so angry that addiction had already robbed me of so much that I refused to let it rob me of my future.
The next time you're tempted to see him again (and you will be tempted), play out how these visits have ended in the past. Do you really want to continue putting yourself through that again?
As far as his comment about him using due to you leaving him, what was his excuse for using when you were still with him? The fact that he's still blaming you for HIS actions show me that he's not willing to hold himself accountable or willing to change course.
I finally found the strength to walk away and have no regrets about doing so. I was literally becoming sick to my stomach with the constant fear, worry and frustration. Healthy relationships shouldn't make us miserable.
You have so much going for you, don't let a dysfunctional relationship or addiction stand in the way of your happiness and your future.
Think of this as a door opening into a better and brighter future, preferably without drugs or addiction. It took me years to finally walk away but I realized that one of us had to make a change (and it wasn't going to be him), otherwise the rest of my life was going to be consumed by this horrible cycle.
I felt like the joy and happiness had been sucked out of my life. Then I realized that it wasn't just happening to me, I was LETTING this happen to me. I was so angry that addiction had already robbed me of so much that I refused to let it rob me of my future.
The next time you're tempted to see him again (and you will be tempted), play out how these visits have ended in the past. Do you really want to continue putting yourself through that again?
As far as his comment about him using due to you leaving him, what was his excuse for using when you were still with him? The fact that he's still blaming you for HIS actions show me that he's not willing to hold himself accountable or willing to change course.
I finally found the strength to walk away and have no regrets about doing so. I was literally becoming sick to my stomach with the constant fear, worry and frustration. Healthy relationships shouldn't make us miserable.
You have so much going for you, don't let a dysfunctional relationship or addiction stand in the way of your happiness and your future.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you "quit" him in the same way an addict quits the dope.
I know not all codependency groups give chips, and I think that's a shame. I love getting my chips! It shows me what progress I'm making. In January I get my 9 month! 9 months of being free.
I want to leave you with a quote that is meaningful to me. I'm fairly certain I read it on here, but I'm not sure who it was from.
"There are two lights at the end of the tunnel. One is there to guide you and help you find a way out. The other is the train coming right for you, should you choose to stay."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 4
You are moving forward. Stop feeding the dark wolf in your life. A relationship has to work for both people. If it makes you feel bad, it is bad.
It is so hard to let go of toxic relationships. I drank to feel good. Loved.
I had excuses. Well, I have been a functioning alcoholic for 29 out of 53 years of my life. I took a 12 year break from alcohol. I take 2 steps forward and one back. Stuck in the mud. I'm working on throwing the excuses away one by one.
Most days I want a bottle and a blanket.
I keep getting up and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The 12 years I was semi sober were the best years of my life. I am married and have adult children and grandchildren. yikes I'm not that old.
I feel old, tired, weak, sick but I will get ready for a meeting and go to work today.
I thought I was special. I thought it would be easy.
It is so hard to let go of toxic relationships. I drank to feel good. Loved.
I had excuses. Well, I have been a functioning alcoholic for 29 out of 53 years of my life. I took a 12 year break from alcohol. I take 2 steps forward and one back. Stuck in the mud. I'm working on throwing the excuses away one by one.
Most days I want a bottle and a blanket.
I keep getting up and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The 12 years I was semi sober were the best years of my life. I am married and have adult children and grandchildren. yikes I'm not that old.
I feel old, tired, weak, sick but I will get ready for a meeting and go to work today.
I thought I was special. I thought it would be easy.
Last edited by StarJasmine; 12-23-2016 at 10:30 AM. Reason: error in 2
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by mkr86
"You left me, you moved away, of course I wanted to get high"
On the rare occasions we talk at all, especially about anything important, it's "you left us...." The "us" is the dogs and cats.
I am so proud of you for taking these steps to better yourself. I hope we can be a good support to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by thepolerexpress
I was in a similar situation and decided to cut my AXBF out of my life completely. Once I did doors started opening up for me and a rush of positive energy came into my life.
It's going to hurt to let go, but you're going to be so glad that you did. I know what it's like to look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back.
It's going to hurt to let go, but you're going to be so glad that you did. I know what it's like to look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back.
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