ErzaLee

Hi everybody,

I’m new here, and I’ve wanted to post my story for a few days now and get some insight because I have been having a lot of trouble. Even though I’m already pretty sure that I know the answer, (I’ve been reading a lot of threads here…it’s been helping) but it’s nice to be sure that I wasn’t the cause of everything bad that happened. Before I start I just want to thank everybody for coming together as a community and helping everybody. I have not felt this good since the breakup, since I joined a few days ago, and I hope that I can give some insight to some other people going through difficulties too, and maybe help them feel better as well.

Before I begin, i’m really sorry it’s very long…I worked on this for a long time, I wanted it to be as accurate and truthful as I could possibly make it so you all could look at both sides and give me as accurate an answer as you thought possible. For anyone who takes the time to read it all and write a response to it, I truly appreciate it. I have no friends, no one to talk to who would truly understand, so It helps more than you could ever know.

My ex and I are both 27. We started dating five years ago. We were both pretty big introverts who met online. We loved each other’s company. We loved video games, movies, going on dates together, eating together; you know, the normal things that you see in a decent relationship. We were both seriously happy, I was the happiest I had ever been, all of his friends told me that they had never seen him so happy before. We decided to move in together and I would say it was great for about a year after that, and then it all started…

He found pot. He found “friends”. He found a nasty attitude. It was like he was a completely different person. He started treating me bad, yelling at me, embarrassed to be around me when he was with other people, never made time for us. He would go to events and tell me it was “boys night” and later down the road I would find out that it actually wasn’t boys night, that he just didn’t want me to go because it “wasn’t my scene”. He would cancel plans, forget about me, and pretty much do careless things all the time that really hurt me and always made me seem like the lowest priority to him.

After the second year mark, we fought at least once a week, and it only got worse from there. Every now and then he would do something terrible, send me hurling over the edge and I would pack my **** and threaten to leave. It would scare him and he would fix things for a few months, and then right back to square one. Eventually we moved to another apartment and I attempted to talk to him about his pot situation. Every time I did he would get angry and/or defensive and he would always say “it was no big deal”. We eventually decided that if he had to keep the pot that he could do it, but not in our apartment. He had to keep it with his friends and do it there with them.

His friends had this house in a bad part of town that he would go to literally every night. I didn’t go very often because I knew in the back of my mind what was going on, and I was raised to stay away from that stuff. I didn’t know how harmful it was yet. I figured, out of sight, out of mind, both of us would be happy, eventually the phase would end, we’d get closer again and I wouldn’t have to be that naggy girlfriend who made him do whatever I wanted. Turns out the pot had turned into pills and shrooms, which turned into harder stuff like LSD. He would stay out until 5 or 6 in the morning almost every day.

I would say it was now four years into the relationship. He found a new job cleaning and fixing up messed up apartments. It was M-F and started around 9 every day, so he couldn’t stay out all night anymore during the week. The job was under the table, and given to him by his “friends”, so who really knows if he wasn’t smoking and **** during the day to make up for it. As well, after he landed this job, he decided to take up drinking, and went out Friday, Saturday and Sunday to get hammered. I would either get a phone call at 6 in the morning, asking for a ride, or I would wake up at 9 in the morning for my weekend classes, and he would still be gone. Now, along with the traits he inherited in the third paragraph above, he’s raving and partying, flirting with other drugged up women, drug dealing for the higher up guy to make a few bucks, lying all the time, upsetting me without a care and never paying me any attention when he or I would get home. I couldn’t even come home from work and say anything, whether it be a complaint about my day, or just simple talk about school or hobbies, with out him pretty much ignoring me or telling me he’d rather not talk because I was pretty much annoying him. It was like he made sure to cater to his friends and his habits first, and I would get the scraps, if I even got that.

The last big time he lied to me before the break up, he told me he was going on a trip for a few days with the “boys”. I was like, “cool have fun”. Found out the night before the trip, that there were actually girls going. It broke my heart and I cried. Not because I wanted to go, but more the fact that he just lied again. He lied and lied and lied and he never even needed to. I understood that there were things he wanted to do alone, and all he had to do was be honest…he knew this. After this, he went without me, lost his car keys in a drunken stupor and messaged me on Facebook; told me I had to drive four hours to his location and give him his spare. I told him no, that he should be ashamed to even ask me after lying. He spent a few hundred dollars to replace the keys on his own, came back a few days later, came to my work and took my keys to get into our apartment, and told me to call him when I was off and he would come open the door. Long story short he fell asleep and never answered his phone, so I was stuck outside for a while before he answered the phone, with an annoyed “hello” tone. I’m crying and yelling and just pissed off, and instead of him saying he’s sorry, he tells me that I should have just waited calmly for him, that his week was worse than mine because he lost his keys and had to spend a lot of money because I wouldn’t help him. I asked him what he would have done If I was stuck outside all night, and his reply was “that didn’t happen”. It started a huge fight. The weeks to come, there were more fights, and we finally decided to break up on October 13th, my birthday.

He told me that we were incompatible and that he couldn’t stand hurting me anymore with his actions and lies; that he had to have the single life for a while with no tethers, find someone as “douchie as himself” and that hopefully in the future we could get back together when he was ready. I tried to act like I was fine with it, but truth be told, my anxiety was pretty bad, and he knew this. It was a lot harder for me to leave than it was for him, and for a while I felt like it was my fault the relationship ended. We decided to talk a few days a week on Skype and he told me that he knew my anxiety was bad and he would help me until I was more comfortable. Well long story short, it was decent in the beginning; I went home and we would have our planned talks, and I was ok. Eventually though he would try to leave earlier and earlier. As well, I would ask a lot of questions because I was trying to make absolutely sure that it was purely compatibility and nothing else that ended the relationship, and it pissed him off from question one; both made my anxiety worse. In the span of three weeks, it went from him being in love with me, wanting to help me through this, and wanting it to work in the future, to him loving me but not being “in love” with me, to him not being sure if it would ever work again, to him not thinking it would. He texted me twice in this time span, saying he missed me, and then would never reply afterwards. After the third week apart, I called him three times, one each day, because I was feeling a bit down, and he would ignore the phone every time, which caused more phone calls, which caused him to answer annoyed and say that he couldn’t talk to me right now because he was with his friends, that I had to give him the no-tether crap that he wanted. So I tried to do no contact with him for a few days, to give us some space, and after the fifth day, he messaged me and asked for the Wi-Fi password. I instantly just knew he had another girl in the apartment, and that pretty much did it for me. I started Skype calls up again to try and get some closure. He wouldn’t admit it, and continued the leave asap cycle, which made me try to get more time, which in the end caused a huge fight that ended in a screaming match, with him telling me that I was crazy and that we were completely done forever and he didn’t care what closure I needed.

I was still on the lease, still had keys to the apartment, so I drove up there one night and found him sleeping alone in bed, as well as girls’ clothing on the floor. I could just smell the pot, which led me to a huge half gallon bag of it under the bed; it was disgusting. He woke up, saw me, and immediately tried to have sex with me (wtf), and I threw up because I was so nervous. I can’t believe someone who I was with for five years would treat me so horribly and then want to have sex like nothing had even happened. The next day we spoke about the break up more, and he told me that he felt that he could just see the bigger picture: that I was better than him, more innocent and kind than he deserved, and that he would ruin my life if I stayed. He said that he couldn’t have conversations with me that he normally had because I would find it uncomfortable (even though he never really tried) and that we were both pretty quiet together normally and he couldn’t handle that; that he had to be talking all the time (even though we had been together for five years and should have been past that stage) and finally, that he knew he couldn’t take me to the places he went because he and his friends would randomly be “doing lines” and he knew that I wasn’t OK with it. I then asked him if he was snorting cocaine and he replied with “Yeah but I don’t really like it, I just do it when it’s given to me” …… He told me that the clothing was from a girl who I actually knew and worked with. She was big into drugs and alcohol just like he was. He said she was just staying during the day because her and her ex broke up and she didn’t want to be there with her ex during the day. I guess I believed it since she wasn’t there the night I showed up, but I couldn’t understand why he was OK being around her since he couldn’t stand her. He hated her, fought with her constantly, and she truly was an all-around terrible person. I found out later on that he was talking **** to her about me, telling her I was crazy, and when he found out, he took my keys, threatened me and pretty much made it clear that I wasn’t to come back (even though he still expects me to pay half the rent). I told him that we were completely done, to never bother me again, and to never think he could get back with me in the future. This made him laugh and I told him to laugh all he wanted, that he would see eventually that he screwed up, and walked out the door. This made him follow me to my car and talk to me for about an hour as he attempted to give me the closure that I had been trying to ask for the past three weeks. I don’t know why he had to make me so “crazy” when he could have just told me the truth in the first place. He promised me that no matter what was going on now, that this all happened because he found drugs and friends and he had grown apart from me because of it.

The fog has lifted and I know that being apart from him is the best thing for me, but here I am, two months down the road, and I’m in this rut where I just think about what happened over and over and I can’t pull myself out of it. I dreamed of the single life for so long and kind of hoped that something would happen to break us up without me having to do it because I felt too bad, like I would be abandoning him. Now that it happened and he pretty much abandoned me with no care in the world, I feel terrible. I realize that it really should have been me who left him. It should have been HIM coming to MY house, begging ME to help him understand. I’m so ashamed of myself that I could die, I feel like I’ll never move on from this moment. If I could do it all again I would have left him from the start and never looked back.

With that being said, I think that if I can feel like his actions were caused by substance abuse, and he wasn’t in complete control, it would be more manageable for me to understand, accept things and move on for good. Everyone told me that I was such a great person towards him, and one of the only positive role models in his life. They told him that I was the best thing he would ever have, and he had even called me a few times crying to tell me that I was the best thing he had and he would never make the mistake of letting me go. I know that people change, but I just can’t understand why he would willingly put me through hell and make me look like a fool like he did otherwise, when he could have just told me the truth from the start and let me go decently. I also don't understand why he would follow me to the car and try to give me closure when I told him it was completely over, and vice versa, and I don't understand why he would hang out with another girl he completely hated, unless it was because they were both users.

So I have one question: Do you guys think it’s substance abuse?

Now before you answer, I know that he was a pretty terrible person, but I want you all to know that there are probably things that I could have done differently too. My sex drive was pretty bad and he would tell me every now and then that he didn’t like that we weren’t very passionate. I don’t truly 100% know exactly why my drive was pretty low. I was very attracted to him in the beginning, and it was fine then. I feel that since he changed and was pretty mean to me all the time, I just didn’t even want it…I feel like I can’t be intimate with someone who I felt considered me to be last priority constantly, and he knew that. I know it could have also had something to do with my ex before him being abusive, as well as the stress that I had from my everyday life. I was working 30 hours, going to college full time, paying the bills, doing the shopping, doing the laundry, and I tried to clean some but one of my flaws is I am generally a pretty messy person. I know he hated it sometimes…but he could have taken some initiative to clean too I feel. He never did until after I left, which doesn’t make any sense and kind of makes me feel like the woman who is there now during the day is doing it. The only thing I would ever ask him to do was the dishes, and he would sometimes leave them for a month before yelling at me that he shouldn’t have to do them because I used too many dishes. I also never really went out with him when he was with his friends which now I feel like could have upset him, but I wouldn't go most of the time because I was either busy with school/work, or because he always treated me bad and made me feel uncomfortable. I figured he could make time with them, and make time with me on other days, but it always leaned more towards them and I caused quite a few fights over it. Before the break up, I also caused a lot of drama over this neighbor woman he would go outside to smoke pot with constantly. It would be one thing if he would have ever told me about it, but he would lie. He would say something like he was going for a midnight skate, and I would go down to get the mail and there they are hanging out. Eventually after the seventh or eighth “coincidence” I flamed, told him to get the **** out, told him I was leaving, blah blah blah, and he didn’t really seem to care. We fell asleep after exhausting each other with yelling, and it didn’t really come up again until he told me during the break up that the day he fell out of love with me was that day. I also constantly felt trapped and whenever we got into a big fight, I would say something like, “I need to go home to be with my family, this city is killing me, no one cares”, etc.

Thank you for your time.

totfit

Really hate that you have gone through this. While of course there is substance abuse involved, I am not sure it is the reason for all his behavior. While it is definitely a contributing factor in one's behavior it is not their whole character. I find so often that the blame for one's behavior and their excuse for their behavior is so often completely on the substance, when all along there are personality and character issues that should ultimately be considered. Alcohol and drugs only contribute to ill behavior or on occasion good behavior, but both the user and the affected need to understand that if you get an ******* clean and sober, initially you just have a clean and sober *******. I wish you the best. Behavior cannot totally be explained away by alcohol and/or drugs. I hope you move forward and find what you deserve in life.

Ann

I agree, drugs are part of it but I suspect he was a jerk with out without the drugs and it just took a while for you to figure that out.

One of the things that make me cringe about internet dating is that you really don't know anything about the person's past history, except what they choose to tell you...or pretend to be. People can change and a bad past doesn't necessarily mean a bad present, but hiding it is a sign that they haven't become honest with even themselves about who they are.

When you spend a lot of time, in a relationship, crying and feeling bad, begging them to change or stop doing harmful things, compromising your own values to accommodate theirs...when you hurt more than you laugh, when the future appears bleak except in your imagination...it's time to see it for what it is and run for the hills.

This is not your fault, nothing you could have done differently would change how HE is. We can't love anyone into sobriety, if we could not one of us would be here.

Now is a good time to heal, to spend time just on you and to work through why you put up with this for so long (as many have done).

Meetings are great at self-help and growth. so is counseling. Take time to feel the freedom and to find your balance and courage again.

Hugs

ByHisLove

Substance abuse could be part of it, but you deserve to be treated better!!! If I were you I wouldn't waste any more of youself trying to figure it out. No one deserves to be treated like that no matter what the reason is. Stay strong.

Ariesagain

Oh, sweetie...what you've been through.

Addicts lie and they lie and they lie more to cover up the other lies and they have such self-contempt that they take it out on anyone who is stupid enough to think they're worth loving.

You were a good person trying to love an addict and none of the crap he threw your way about your supposed faults has anything to do with reality, it was just an easy way to keep you off his back and blaming yourself. And I would bet my house he's been doing a lot more than pot for a lot longer than you know. I hate to say this, but you should get tested for STDs just to be safe.

It isn't you, it's him and his high. The end. Nothing you said or didn't say, did or didn't do, are or aren't, would have made a bit of difference.

Block him, delete his number and go no contact. You've got your whole life ahead of you to spend with someone who isn't already in a relationship...with drugs.

Sending you a hug.

P.S. Going to an addict for help in dealing with the end of your relationship is like handing him a hammer and asking him to hit you over the head with it. He's totally full of ****.

JimC60

EzraLee,

First, welcome to the forum, there is a wealth of experience and knowledge here - do not be afraid to tap into it.

So sorry to hear of yet another woman who is, and has been, putting up with this kind of abusive BS for so long from someone who "loves you."

My opinion is that he "loves you" only for sexual access and your money.

This situation is probably substance abuse driven but may just be that he is a complete ass who got up the nerve to let his true personality show through substance abuse -- either way you certainly deserve better.

Leave ASAP - the only potential problem that I see is the fact that your name is also on the lease -- I would explain the situation to the landlord and see what can be arranged.

Ann alluded to finding a meeting or counseling where you can freely vent and I agree with that suggestion. Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, CoDa Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery will all put you in contact with others who are or have been in your shoes -- these folks will really understand your situation and feelings.

"Non bastardum carborundum!" Wishing you all the best - stay strong.

Keep coming back,

Jim

Mklove

Ezra, you sound balanced and intuitive. I agree with the other messages about moving on. I know it's easier said hen done but clearly you know what you do not want/deserve and it's exciting you have the chance to pursue what you know would be better in the long run for YOU. you deserve a life of honest relationships, with yourself and then others.

RevivingOphelia

These lines are all you need to know to walk away from this huuuuuuuge jerk. Seriously, girl. He's telling you everything right here. Drop him and don't look back. Addiction? Who knows? Assholery...now, that we know. Don't look back. No contact. He's a Grade-A douche (he even called himself that!). Sorry but this guy is in no shape for any kind of relationship with a decent person (you). I hope you don't waste any more time on him! Good luck!

PuzzledHeart

Ezra, you were working 30 hours and going to college full-time? You sound amazing!

So much of what you wrote reminded me of my ex-fiance. He wasn't as into drugs as your ex was, but he was still 100% pure ass. Hanging out with women and telling me that I wasn't cool enough to understand their friendships. Kissing one of them and telling me it wasn't cheating because he didn't sleep with her. And like a puppy dog, I kept on going back to him and asking for more because I didn't think anybody else would love me. That if I left, I was being a coward because love takes work and commitment, yes? Seventeen years later, I am still kicking myself for not having the courage to break up with him even though my friends, family, and most importantly, _I_ could see that it was never going to work. But I have to thank my ex for kicking our relationship to the curb. It opened the door to the much, much happier life I have now with my husband and son. I shudder with horror to think what my life would have been with my ex.

There were a couple lines that stood out for me and I just wanted to point them out to you.

.

There's just so much classic blameshifting in this line. Did somebody take a spoon and shove it up his nose? Did they tie his hands behind his back? He could have said no to the coke. Nobody, including YOU, forced him to take anything he didn't want to take in the first place.

It is so much easier to blame other people and circumstances for the faults you find within yourself. It is so much harder to address those faults in a productive manner. We're all guilty of it to a certain extent but with addicts it's taken to the nth degree. My sister, who has had been involved with drugs and alcohol since she was a teen, does this all the time. She blamed me for her abandoning her when I learned to read (I was four). She accused her best friend of flirting with her ex-husband - it was this flirting that caused my sister to start the affair that blew up her own marriage. And we won't even get started on the compulsive lying...

I'm sure that there was a part of him that wanted to do the right thing. I'm sure there was a part of him that believed that he could get his act together so he could be the partner he knew you deserved. But the drugs get in the way of that. And right now he doesn't want to give that up. Because that's the only way he knows how to cope with life.

You spent much of your adult life working, studying and inevitably building up the self-esteem that you need to serve as your anchor when life knocks you down. I'm sure you already have a bank full of moments where you struggled with something particularly hard and addressed it with grace and hard work. And you can access those moments when it feels like your life is going down the toilet (you make reference to that throughout your post and that is a GOOD thing!). It sounds like he doesn't have that.

When you came home and wanted to talk about your life, it was a reminder of what he DIDN'T do and he didn't want to face that. So he shut you down.

What you wanted is completely normal. You should be able to come home after a long day and be able to talk about it with your partner. That's part of sharing a life together. You weren't asking him to build Taj Mahal.

Gosh, this is such classic Addict 101 behavior. I'm sure you've already run into a number of threads that have this theme: couple breaks up, and the addict immediately jumps into somebody's bed. That somebody doesn't even need to be an addict, just an enabler, just a somebody who won't ask the hard WTF are you doing questions that would make the addict squirm.

OK, enough about him. What about you?

You are still two months into recovering from a five year relationship. You need to cut yourself from slack - your heart isn't going to heal overnight. The fact that you're still working through the pain is actually a good sign. You're not running away from it . You're not trying to mask the pain by drinking/drugging/f$#@ing your way out of it. You are FEELING it , and by doing that you will learn the lessons you will need for your next relationship.

You will not be able to turn to him for comfort. It is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. He does NOT have the capability of easing his own anxiety, much less yours, and already you are seeing that he is beginning to snap. As a fellow introvert, I know it's hard to connect with other people. What worked for me were small groups dedicated to one particular interest (ex. music, hiking). I also arranged some time off from work and went on vacation by myself. There was some time between the breakup and the vacation, but it worked out well because it gave me something to look forward to (and a chance to save money). I jumped from hostel to hostel and it was such a relief to be away from everything that reminded me of him. It was also extremely empowering for me to know that I could do something by myself - that I could create my own happiness and self-worth.

Keep on posting. Welcome to SR!

PS. I met my husband online, and it's a great way to meet people, especially if you're introverted. I met him two years after my ex-fiance called off our wedding. I'm so grateful that I didn't meet him sooner - I wouldn't have been ready.

And if you're an introvert, you'll completely understand these...

15+ Finnish Nightmares That Every Introvert Will Relate To | Bored Panda

teatreeoil007

He (and you) have pretty much spelled everything out. Really. Let the facts speak for themselves. I wouldn't waste one more minute of time or effort trying to figure things out and get closure with him. If you ever do get closure, the healthiest closure you can get is with/from someone else who is honest, nice, good, whatever. This guy is none of those things. It's likely you yourself will provide the best closure there is when you've have a chance to heal. And there needs to be healing after being treated the way you have.

ErzaLee

Hi everybody,

Thank you very much for all of your replies, welcomes, compliments and hugs. I have gone to other forums before I found this one and since I write a lot people would tend to read one part of it and give me a quick answer that made me feel worse. I feel like people actually read the whole thing here and I really appreciate the time you all took to read it and reply. I was so scared that I was going to log on today after pouring my heart out into easily a 10-page double spaced essay, and not even get a reply, or get a bunch of “what the hell is wrong with you” replies. Thank you so much, all of you. It’s nice to know there are people who have been through what I’ve been through (especially PuzzledHeart – thank you; and someone else who PM’d me but didn’t post in the forum – thank you too, it won’t let me reply until I’ve posted five times!), nice to know that it could have been so much worse and I’m actually pretty lucky, nice to know that I had flaws but it wasn’t my fault, nice to know that there is hope and that I can truly move on with my life and grow stronger from this.

After reading all of your replies, I truly understand now that substance abuse was most likely a big part, but clearly it was his attitude/actions/true personality as well and I think I see how it all molds together. I was…comfortable, I guess the word is, in the beginning. He had a few traits of an ass hole in the first two years, but I think he was trying to do well and control it until after he found friends and drugs and alcohol, and it completely got in the way. Then it started splashing off onto me and it was a never ending slope after that. It went from him staying in and hanging out/having a decent relationship for almost two years, to pot, to pills, to acid, to getting hammered on the weekends, to cocaine, and who knows, maybe he's even doing heroin now. I think I stayed to try and save him from destroying himself, and in doing so almost destroyed my own self. I think I realize now that it was just my nature to be a fixer in my relationships, and now that I am free, I know that isn’t a good enough reason to be/stay with anyone. I should have stood up to him multiple times and told him that he wasn’t going to treat me badly, no matter what he was on. I should have given him the ultimatum the second I found out he was smoking pot. I think that I knew he would have chosen drugs over me in the beginning though, so like PuzzledHeart, I avoided that because I didn’t think I would be able to find love again. Now I will stay single until I truly know that I can love and respect myself enough to get away if this happens again.

I know that he is a giant ass hole now, and I took pride in telling him the last time we spoke that I was completely done with him, and that he should be ashamed of himself, but it took so much abuse to get to that point, that I am left with this hole of shame that I can’t seem to shake. He even laughed at me when I told him never to bother me again the last day we spoke, like I was a joke. Out of everything that is the worst part. No matter what I do, I may never feel like I came out on top, and I should have. Even if he messages me again, probably to ask where the rent money is, and I have the chance to tell him to **** off, I still feel like he will always think that he won, that I was this crazy banshee who just bothered him all the time…and it truly wasn’t my intention at all. I believed that feeling like it was substance abuse would make me feel more comfortable with how he treated me, and even though a lot of people feel that it was a big part, and it helps, it still doesn’t excuse his actions. It still hurts knowing that some people are fine with acting like that. It should have been me who left him. But, just like PuzzledHeart said, even if she still kicks herself for not having the courage to leave, she’s thankful that her ex did, because it saved her. I know it saved me as well, because who knows how much longer I would have been stuck with him if he didn't end it - I just hope it gets easier to handle. I’m glad that I’m not the only one who had to face this, it gives me hope. I’m glad that your life is so much happier now, I’m glad that you didn’t get stuck with your ex-fiance, and that you have a great husband, and that there is hope for introverts like us. You and everyone else in this thread are amazing too. I’m glad to finally realize that anyone who wants to avoid their problems with drugs and have relationships with enablers instead of someone who truly cared for them and wanted to make it work, is the true crazy one, and isn’t worth it, especially if they refuse to admit they have a problem.

What do I plan to do? I want to cut myself some slack. I want to keep healing, and feeling, and talking to people here and hopefully in meetings, and I won’t ever let substances mask it. I want to get over this and have the life I dreamed of having when I was stuck with him. I want to be a strong woman again. I want to draw, I want to bond with my family, I want to get back in with my video game community and friends (nerd sorry) and go back to school, get a nice job, travel. I also have an appointment to be tested for STD’s. I am hopeful – I have not had any break outs or bad signs since our last sexual encounter about two months ago.

I also want everyone to know that we haven’t spoken to each other now for 23 days, and I don’t plan on reaching out to him. After he took my keys, and I told him I was done forever, and he followed me to the car to try to I guess give me closure, and the 30 minute or so talk after that, that was it. I won’t message him again unless he messages me and asks me about the rent, and even then I might not say anything. I spoke to the landlord about the lease, because I truly feel that I shouldn’t have to pay, nor do I feel that I could ever bring myself to, after he treated me so horribly, took my keys and pretty much told me to leave, and the landlord knows that I will pay my half if my ex gets evicted; I just won't pay for him to live there and continue his habits with other women. Sometimes I feel bad that my ex is going to find out the hard way that he’s not getting money… but he didn't feel bad for the things he did to me, or at least won't until he gets clean if the drugs are affecting him that badly, and if I was the first one to reach out to him - again, I would feel so pathetic, and I think anyone with half a brain would understand that they weren’t getting paid after being abusive, taking my keys and telling me to go.

I wanted to throw up a reply as fast as I could because it’s been a while since my starting post, and I didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t coming back. I tried really hard to reply to points from every post, and acknowledge every reply. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, I thoroughly read everything and took something from EVERY POST, and I cannot thank each and every one of you enough. I feel like I can start respecting the fact that besides the relationship, there are still a lot of memories and accomplishments and strengths that I can go back and look at and use to help me move forward, and that no matter what happened, no matter how I feel, I know there is a reason this happened, and it can only help me in the end.

I want to help others here too, if anyone ever needs a friend I will definitely be there, like you were for me.

Ariesagain

Big hug. You have so much going for you.

You are going to be just fine.



P.S. He's still addicted to drugs, he's still an asshat, and he has nothing but misery waiting for him down that road. If that's "coming out on top," I'd hate to see what bottom looks like!

Nata1980

Good for you ErzaLee - you deserve so much better!

This person has no business being in relationship and you are right to "set him free".

Take are of yourself - you are worth all the love and care in the world

PhoenixJ

Ez- wow, a brave, thoughtful, trusting and honest post. When addictive behaviour kicked in for me (alcoholic) the person I was disappeared. I caused a great deal of damage. the shares here are all good. I will not put my attention seeking hand up and reinvent the wheel. Kind of think by the perception of your words you are going in the right direction. I will suggest though you be careful safety wise. Chemicals and addictive behaviour can cause people to behave in unpredictable ways- in f-f meetings, screening texts etc. Stay safe and think stuff though.
Keep posting and I wish you all the best. Thoughts and prayers- PJ.

ErzaLee

By the way, I really enjoyed all of the Finnish Nightmares That Every Introvert Will Relate To; they were all funny and on point. The only one I would disagree with was the one where the person wondered what was wrong with them when the person sat next to them moved away to a different seat.

I would be like...YESS lol

ErzaLee

Thank you everyone for your replies. It means a lot to find a place with so much support. I will definitely be here for the next few months while I continue to heal and move forward, and hopefully I can help some other people too. As well, I hope you are doing well now PJ. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to, too. If you mean that my ex may have dangerous behaviors, don’t worry, we are six hours apart now and I hardly ever use my cell anymore. We have had no contact for almost a month and I know I have a long way to go but I don’t plan on contacting him. I might consider being someone he can talk to in the later future if he hits a low point and texts me one day needing to talk to someone, but it won’t go past that.

FeelingGreat

Hey Ezra, I too have beaten myself up about things I should have said or done at some point. I think everyone does, except when they're under the influence like your AXBF.
Don't look to him for anything, least of all closure. Seen in a practical light, he has behaved like a complete *******, and it's very natural for you to feel angry, but it won't affect him because all he wants is the substances.
Go on with your own life, with complete dignity and self-possession because you are working towards something. Keep your eye on the long game.

ErzaLee

Hey FeelingGreat,

Thank you for your kind words.

I definitely agree now that he is a grade A *******, and even though I am still ashamed of the way I let him treat me during the break up, I think I am starting to feel a bit better about it considering how much effect the drugs could have had on him during this time. I hope maybe one day down the road, he will get clean and realize that he was a jerk. I probably won’t ever know for sure, but I take a little comfort in knowing that if he ever did get clean, he would probably realize what he did and feel bad about it. I don’t know. I just glad to know that I’m not alone, and I hope to get to a stage where it doesn’t bother me so much so I can keep working on myself and my life goals. He won’t take any more dignity from me

FeelingGreat

You will, but you don't get over a long relationship overnight, so try to be realistic. Give yourself a period, say 12 months, of positive work on your own goals (even when it's hard), and see where you are then. You might be pleasantly surprised.

ErzaLee

I will thank you.