needingabreak

Hi Ezra just wanted to pop on and say you are doing all the right things. Please do not feel ashamed for how long it took. You were manipulated and it is very hard to see when in the middle of it all.
Just keep taking care of yourself. Not so sure you should be there for him if he needs to talk down the road. Here is why:

"With that being said, I think that if I can feel like his actions were caused by substance abuse, and he wasn’t in complete control, it would be more manageable for me to understand, accept things and move on for good."

Honey he can be in control but he chose not to. He can decide to change and not use and he can decide not to be such a douche.
The longer you go with no contact the better. Please do not allow yourself to be dragged into anything by him again. There are plenty of ways to get help should he want it. You found us didnt you? Take care of yourself. You went above and beyond trying to help him already. You deserve so much more. Give yourself the time to heal and do things that make you feel good and be proud of all you are accomplishing! Hugs

Ariesagain

You're a rock star.

I heard a tiny warning bell when you said something about maybe someday being someone he could talk to. What happens all the time is that they run out of new enablers to exploit so they maybe pay some superficial lip service toward recovery, maybe even get clean for a bit, and go thru their Enabler Rolodex of exes looking for a soft place to land. "Baby, I'm back and missed you so much, I was a fool to let you go, you're the only one who gets me and that I can stay clean for," fairy dust, sparkles, cupcakes with sprinkles.

It's hogwash. Don't even take the calls because it's just another chance to play Addiction Roulette.

garnetwaters

This sounds like my STBX. I used to blame his behavior on the drugs and alcohol. Then, right before Thanksgiving, I found texts to and from his girlfriend, to and from other women, and to his friend where he was bragging about how good he is at hiding his "sanchas" based on experience from his "10 years of indiscretions". I realized the alcohol and drugs were just cover for his despicable human nature, lack of a moral compass, the need to feel power, and the need to control me and others. I was distracted by the substance abuse. He may be an addict, but even sober, he's still a grade-A *******. I called a lawyer the next day to initiate divorce.

Don't make my mistake. I suffered through 10 years of this mistreatment before I finally woke up and found the strength and wisdom to finally leave him. I used to blame the drugs and alcohol, but a jerk, is a jerk, is a jerk.

ErzaLee

Thank you all for your replies,

You guys are right, I wanted to be there if one day he decided he had a problem so he had someone to talk to if he had no one else; I would hope when that time came years down the road I would be strong enough to not let it affect me or let it go further than just a text or call, but anyone with a brain knows you can go somewhere like I did. I hope one day he will find his way.

It really sucks what drugs do to so many people. I think his biggest problem like so many was he didn't think he had a problem. He just thought he had found his destiny or some crap and this was who he truly was. I hope he will realize down the road before he kills himself or someone else.

I'm sorry garnetwaters, that's truly terrible. I hate how men can be like that with no care in the world. They're not even men. I can't even compare them to something else because nothing I can think of is worse. If it was this thanksgiving then you're probably pretty upset still and I just want you to know that it took me a good month before I started feeling better, but it does get better. I'm glad you managed to get out and I have left too, it's now been 24 days with no contact. I guess most of the time, drugs and assholes just come hand in hand.

I wonder if people like my ex and your ex ever realize down the road how terrible they were and truly feel bad for it. Probably not many.

PuzzledHeart

Erza, you have to read Susan Cain's book Quiet. Or at least watch her TED talk. It was a revelation to me.

https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain..._of_introverts

Ariesagain is right about Addiction Roulette. You need to be mentally prepared if and when he reaches out to you again. You also need to be mentally prepared if he starts talking trash about you. After he ditched our wedding, my ex-fiance wrote a letter to my father telling him that 1) I was mentally unstable and 2) he hated my mother. I suppose he did that so he wouldn't be the "bad guy" in the breakup. He didn't have to worry about that because I found out that a number of friends cried tears of relief when they found out we had broken up.

You may not believe it now, but there may be even a time when you can truly detach from him. You can wish him well from afar, but you may want nothing more than for him to leave you alone. I can tell you this with confidence, because when my ex-fiancé greeted me ten years later I was a much different person. I had finished my Masters degree. I was beginning a career that I still love. And my ex-fiancé chased me as I exited the building to profusely apologize for his past behavior.

I wished him well. I told him that the relationship brought out the worst in both parties. I was sorry that he was no longer in touch with his closest friends. And then I went home to my husband and son. And I haven't heard from him since. And I prefer to keep it that way.

Hugs to you. But it will be brief so I don't invade your personal space ;-)

PS. One thing of value I got from that relationship was a healthy dose of humility. I can never say "Well, why can't s/he just leave..." because I was so over my head with my ex. So please don't fall into the trap of "I wasted so many years..." You didn't. Because you're learning something. You just don't know what it is quite yet.

ErzaLee

Thank you PuzzledHeart,

I will definitely get the book and I will watch her video after I reply to this post

I’m sorry that your ex trash talked you. My ex has already done something of the sorts as well, but to that rebound/enabler girl that we spoke of the other day. My father said the same thing that you pretty much said, that he didn’t want to feel bad and look like the bad guy, so trash talking me to her makes him look cool, feel better and seem in more control of the situation. I was really sad at first that, like your ex, my ex told me, and at least the enabler girl, that I was mentally unstable (crazy) too, but like you said when you said your friends were thankful for the breakup - I think that there were people who knew what he was too, and truly knew that HE was the unstable one, not me. My father said as well that the people my ex hangs with will all either leave him or see that he was the real crazy one eventually anyway, not me. They all really liked me and told him not to leave me ever as well, so maybe they already think that. He also from what I’ve heard, hasn’t told his mother yet that we broke up, because she and his father were in love with me as well. My father told me that I should probably talk to her and tell her what’s going on because my ex was probably going to trash talk me to her to make me look like the bad guy there as well…but I think I should stay out of that, because she knows how he is and that he can be a real jerk, and she asked me multiple times if everything was ok. I think she is on to the drug use too, but she is one of those people who would fly to his apt and chase him around with a rolling pin if I confirmed it…which would probably just end up making everything worse . So I think I will stay out of it and just hope that she truly knows in her heart why the relationship ended.

I think my biggest problem now though is that, even though I know this is for the best, and I know I can never go back to him - I still can’t stop over analyzing everything, and it’s affecting my ability to keep my mind clear when I try to do daily activities, which sucks. I really wish I knew so many things, like, what led to the big fall out 25 days ago, since it was his idea to remain friends and hopefully try again in the future. I knew that he was going to immediately be distant because of his single needs, and I was going to get anxious, so I was originally against it. I should have told him no from the start. Just weeks later he transitioned to never wanting it to work because I asked too many questions, called him a few times and then got pissed at him when I found out he was ignoring me, like I knew he was going to do anyway. I guess like you said in your earlier post, he could be trying to block everything out with drugs, sex and alcohol, or he’s just an ******* who likes his single life with no tethers. I guess I will never know; I just hope eventually I stop wanting to figure everything out as much.

The biggest shame out of all of this is, I’m severely attracted to smart guys, and even though this is completely ironic because he’s a dumb ass now for taking drugs, I think I fell in love with him because of that. He was a history wiz, and the only person I knew who could keep up with me on almost every level. I loved that. I realized about a year ago that he was starting to have a lot of problems with his memory. If he was interrupted, he couldn’t remember what he was going to say…every time. Sometimes it happened fifteen times a day. He couldn’t remember important dates, or something someone told him to do the hour before. He couldn’t remember a lot of things that people would reference that happened just days or weeks before. Such a shame.

Anyway, I’m glad that your ex apologized to you. I bet it felt pretty great. My ex is a very stubborn person…like me I guess, so I don’t even know anymore what he is thinking. But I do hope out of everything that one day he will feel regret too and tell me he’s sorry as well, and I truly hope that I will be able to look at him like you did, say a few words, and walk away with grace/never reply again.

Haha yes, small hugs Thank you so much, I appreciate all the time you have taken for me with your replies. It makes me feel good knowing that one day I will get over this and hopefully find what I need to gain enlightenment.

I definitely learned humility from this too, and I will never judge someone else for being in this situation. I want to try and help people with my experiences and hope I will be able to, but could I ask you how old you were when you finished your master’s degree? I’m 27 and I am only half way to a bachelor’s degree; I started up late, about the age of 24, when I realized that my relationship with my ex might not work when the drugs got involved. I sometimes feel like by the time I get over this hump and find my way that I’m going to be too old to complete anything.

PuzzledHeart

I finished my Masters' degree when I was 36. I'm so glad I did it, but in hindsight, I wish I started it BEFORE I was pregnant with my son. Taking the GREs two months after giving birth was not one of my wiser moments.

Beware of cake-eating. He sounds like the kind of guy who wants the security of a relationship without any of the responsibility that comes with it.

Actually, I felt annoyed. I was running late. I was getting hungry. And he kept on talking and talking and talking... It sounds terribly bitchy, but it's true.

Hechosedrugs

I get so tired of my ex's apologies- mostly because I know when he's apologizing he's just trying to sucker me again. He's never really sorry, and when I turn him down it always shows.