How do you learn to trust and let go of fear?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 27
How do you learn to trust and let go of fear?
Hi everyone,
It's been months since I've posted, but I've been reading. Since I last posted, my live in bf successfully completed a 3 month rehab program, we moved from nj to florida to get away from all the triggers and drama and closer to a better support system for both of us (his sister and my family are near our new home), he has gotten his license back, been working for my father and is starting a new job in his old field next week. Issues with his ex and custody are steadily being resolved and even through the suicide of his brother the day after he got home from rehab, he has stayed sober for the past 9 months. I very proud and so glad to have the real him back and steadily progressing, although he does not have any desire to follow a program or therapy, which makes me nervous.
The problem is that I still don't trust him, my guard is still up and I feel like I'm always ready for the shoe to drop. Every slight alteration in his speech, I feel my insides turn and I get panicked that it's happening again. When he gets home from work, his speech is a little slowed and it happens also when he is alone for a while while I'm out. I never smell alcohol and he isn't drunk, but he seems different at times. He says it's in my head because I'm so scared and don't trust him and I guess that could be possible. He accounts for all of his time and money and if he were drinking on the way home from work by stopping and getting shooters, it would require alot of restraint and work on his part to only have enough to be relaxed and slightly slowed speech, not smell like it at all and never go over that amount to get buzzed or drunk... he doesn't notice it and I wonder if it really is in my head? I asked him to get his blood sugar checked incase it was low and causing this since he comes home starving from not eating all day and sounds normal again within an hr or so of being home.
He's getting so frustrated with me for not trusting hI'm and asuming the worst all the time.
I told him I deserve at least the same amount of time to learn to trust him as it took for him to break it, he doesn't get that. I do want to enjoy the good times now without always thinking the worst, but don't know how to let go of that fear, or at the very least hide it better... what did you guys do for yourself to learn to let go of the anxiety and fear attached to loving an alcoholic in recovery?
It's been months since I've posted, but I've been reading. Since I last posted, my live in bf successfully completed a 3 month rehab program, we moved from nj to florida to get away from all the triggers and drama and closer to a better support system for both of us (his sister and my family are near our new home), he has gotten his license back, been working for my father and is starting a new job in his old field next week. Issues with his ex and custody are steadily being resolved and even through the suicide of his brother the day after he got home from rehab, he has stayed sober for the past 9 months. I very proud and so glad to have the real him back and steadily progressing, although he does not have any desire to follow a program or therapy, which makes me nervous.
The problem is that I still don't trust him, my guard is still up and I feel like I'm always ready for the shoe to drop. Every slight alteration in his speech, I feel my insides turn and I get panicked that it's happening again. When he gets home from work, his speech is a little slowed and it happens also when he is alone for a while while I'm out. I never smell alcohol and he isn't drunk, but he seems different at times. He says it's in my head because I'm so scared and don't trust him and I guess that could be possible. He accounts for all of his time and money and if he were drinking on the way home from work by stopping and getting shooters, it would require alot of restraint and work on his part to only have enough to be relaxed and slightly slowed speech, not smell like it at all and never go over that amount to get buzzed or drunk... he doesn't notice it and I wonder if it really is in my head? I asked him to get his blood sugar checked incase it was low and causing this since he comes home starving from not eating all day and sounds normal again within an hr or so of being home.
He's getting so frustrated with me for not trusting hI'm and asuming the worst all the time.
I told him I deserve at least the same amount of time to learn to trust him as it took for him to break it, he doesn't get that. I do want to enjoy the good times now without always thinking the worst, but don't know how to let go of that fear, or at the very least hide it better... what did you guys do for yourself to learn to let go of the anxiety and fear attached to loving an alcoholic in recovery?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It takes a long time to trust again, sometimes years. I often tell the story I heard a recovering addict tell, she had 25 years clean, of how her mother still slept with her purse under her pillow when she came to visit. She just smiles at that today.
He will use or not use, whether or not you trust him. I think it's more about protecting yourself and your finances should he relapse and go back into the addiction lifestyle.
That said, we learn to trust our instincts here, time alone reveals if we are right or not. The thing is, can you live with this suspicion and fear or maybe would taking a break from each other help you find your balance again.
Meetings have helped many of us work through our own issues, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that can bring us new peace and strength. There are Christian groups and Family Groups as well. Maybe check your area and try some of these and see if they don't help you.
Hugs
He will use or not use, whether or not you trust him. I think it's more about protecting yourself and your finances should he relapse and go back into the addiction lifestyle.
That said, we learn to trust our instincts here, time alone reveals if we are right or not. The thing is, can you live with this suspicion and fear or maybe would taking a break from each other help you find your balance again.
Meetings have helped many of us work through our own issues, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that can bring us new peace and strength. There are Christian groups and Family Groups as well. Maybe check your area and try some of these and see if they don't help you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
saggirl - I just wanted you know I am in your shoes. I am feeling a lot of what you're feeling right now. AH is in outpatient treatment, and is on probation. Still, I feel so guarded, scared, and just suspicious of him using. Old habits of ours die hard, I guess.
AH does not quite understand what it will take for me to trust him again. Heck, I don't even know what it will take. Time is my guess. And a lot of it. I agree that I need as much time to heal as it took for him to break my trust. Maybe even more... They have to be patient with us, as long as we're trying.
Anyways, I am rambling. Here's to increased and continual peace for both of us.
AH does not quite understand what it will take for me to trust him again. Heck, I don't even know what it will take. Time is my guess. And a lot of it. I agree that I need as much time to heal as it took for him to break my trust. Maybe even more... They have to be patient with us, as long as we're trying.
Anyways, I am rambling. Here's to increased and continual peace for both of us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 40
Sadgirl and hope,
I am definitely in the same place.. You just never know what they are up to! Mines a sketchy POS lol.. However my AH admitted to using and is now trying to get help.. Again.
Sometimes I wonder if he actually wants to recover or if he's just doing it to make me shut up lol. It's a long road and it sucks.
Praying for you both.
I am definitely in the same place.. You just never know what they are up to! Mines a sketchy POS lol.. However my AH admitted to using and is now trying to get help.. Again.
Sometimes I wonder if he actually wants to recover or if he's just doing it to make me shut up lol. It's a long road and it sucks.
Praying for you both.
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