Family Therapy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 11
Family Therapy
My husband is currently in outpatient rehab for cocaine and alcohol addiction, primarily, but he'll take pills if he can get his hands on those, too. I suspected that he was an alcoholic for a long time, but I never had proof that he was actually drinking and he hid it very well. I only just found out about the drugs on Labor Day, so less than 2 months ago. Never in a million years would I have suspected drugs. In that time frame, I've also discovered that he's racked up a credit card to pay for it. When that came due, he turned to our ATM. When I took away his debit card, he stole my daughters' college funds. When it all came to light, he attempted to OD on pills and we spent an evening in the ER and I kicked him out of the house until he completes a rehab program. It's simply not safe for him to be in our home and I know he wouldn't be motivated to truly change if I let him stay. This is so much to take in in such a short time, so needless to say I'm still processing the shock and the implications of it all. I'm seeing a very qualified therapist who has a background in substance abuse, so I think I'm getting very good professional guidance, but I'm still wrapping my brain around all of it. I should also note that I have a background in drug and alcohol prevention, so I am educated on how an addicts brain works.
I'm not so sure about my husband's treatment center. I put that burden on him to arrange all of it, and of course, he didn't do his homework. I have doubts that these people are truly qualified therapists and I had concerns with their methodology. He's going to group 2 days/week and meeting with an individual therapist 1 day. He goes 4 days between UA's which means he could still use over the weekends (which happens to be when he's responsible for our two children) and test clean on Monday morning. There's no random testing, so he could easily figure out the loopholes. And he has, because that's what addicts do. I caught him drunk last Friday and drug tested him when he came over Saturday morning. He tested positive for Oxy and still lied to my face when confronted with the evidence. Worse, still, when I confronted him about all of the lies and all of the manipulation tactics that I'm starting to recognize, now that I've had some distance, he blamed me! He said he refuses to accept all of the blame and that it's my fault that he manipulated me - if I didn't like it and if I wasn't happy, I should have left. I was flabbergasted! I told him he was right - I should have left. But it's not that simple now. We have a mortgage and 2 kids. And that doesn't mean that I have to accept this as okay any more if I accept to move forward. I told him if he ever speaks to me that way again, he can start to communicate with me through a lawyer because, clearly, he's not really going to change. I also asked him to set something up with this therapist of his so we could hash it all out.
Part of his manipulation is to control the flow of information - he chose this particular facility because I can't participate. I work 50 miles away from the center, so anything on a weeknight is out of the question. They also don't accept our insurance, so I don't get any statements. His parents are paying (hello, enabling!), but I'm in the dark. And he knows it. I attended one group family session a few weeks ago and brought it up - they said that they'd do a Saturday session so that I could confront him on his lies and get some closure. I thought that's what I was signing up for, but apparently I was walking into an ambush.
This "therapist" led by asking for what we expected out of it. I said that I needed all of the lies to stop. She flat out told me that it wasn't a realistic expectation for an addict and that "It takes two to make an addict," so I need to own up to the part that I've played in his addiction. I was shocked! I know the old adage is that where there's an addict, there's a codependent, but I don't fit that mold at all. And I know that sounds like denial, but again, I am educated in the field and I sincerely don't fit into that model. I didn't stay with him knowing what was going on and feeling like I could "help" him. I don't feel good that he depends on me - quite the opposite, in fact. I hate it. But she came at it with that assumption. She told me that I've allowed him to get away with all of this for all this time, so basically it's just as much my fault as his. I lost it at her! I will admit, I bailed him out of trouble. The first time, it was because he was young. We both were. And everyone makes mistakes. But every time after that, it was in the name of self-preservation, not out of "love" for him of "because I wanted to help him." We were married and had a mortgage and two kids - his choices had consequences and while I didn't make the choices, the consequences fell on me. And my kids. I was stuck. And I will also admit that I should not have tolerated him treating me the way he did at the beginning of our relationship, but I was young. I loved him. And I didn't want to control him by saying he couldn't hang out with his friends or making his choices for him. I never went through his things or opened his mail. I may have enabled his behavior, but I also didn't know what he was doing. He lied to me and he manipulated me and this therapist just told me that it was my fault because "he fed me a sh__t sandwich and i ate it," In her words.
The session went down hill from there - she said that I needed to decide right now if I'm staying with him or divorcing him because I'm keeping him from moving forward in treatment. And that I need to control my reactions because I'm making it easy for him to lie to me. Why would he tell me the truth if I'm getting angry at him? I'm apparently just supposed to tell him "thank you for being honest," and then reward his behavior with one-on-one time. Because if there's consequences for honesty, he's only going to lie to me. And there is some truth in that, but at the end of the day, I'm GOING to be angry at his actions. But I'm going to be a lot more angry if he lies about it. And that's not unreasonable. And he needs to learn to face the consequences, not be told that it's not his fault he's lying, it's because of MY reactions! Besides, I'm NOT always angry at him when he tells me the truth or when I catch him lying.
She also kept saying that it's my fault because I'm not setting and keeping boundaries. I agree that I need to be more firm on my boundaries, but I don't know how. And I kept asking her how. She just kept saying there has to be consequences. Again, I said how. She never quite gave me an answer. I told her that I was so tired of being the bad guy, especially in the eyes of my kids. That it isn't fair that my kids see me mad at Daddy, but they don't and can't understand why. I don't want the burden of policing my husband or keeping my kids from their dad. That's not fair to put on me! She said that if I stay, I have to accept the crap end of the stick.
Meanwhile, he sat there crying and saying all of the same crap he always says, he "wants to change," and "he's trying," and his "family means everything," to him. She kept telling me to parrot back what he was saying and I just couldn't. She accused me of not listening - no wonder he doesn't tell me things! I explained that it's because I've heard it all before. ALL of it. And I'm at the point that I can't hear it any more. I need to hear something that gives me hope. Something that tells me this time is different. That it's worth staying in this marriage. She told me that she "knows addicts" and that she can tell that he's motivated and that I'm either going to have to accept that or get out.
It was all so contradictory - She kept saying that I got him into this mess because I've been acting like his mom. I explained that she was only true to a point, and that I've stopped doing it for the past year because I realized that being his emotional support without getting any in return was crushing me. And when I put my foot down, that's when he started using cocaine. Which, again, she pinned on me because she "doesn't send her 3 year old out onto the streets to fend for himself and expect him to survive!" I thought I wasn't supposed to be his mom? And just before that, she told me that if I left, he was a big boy and he could take care of himself? And she also told me that a lot of the same parenting tools I use on my kids are going to apply to his recovery - clear rewards and punishments. I'm so confused at this lady!
She bashed on me for an hour. And all of my anger at her for the way she was treating me only served to prove to her that I was at fault.
I know that his addiction is NOT my fault. He made his choices and he needs to face the consequences. And part of those consequences is my anger and my lack of trust. He needs to EARN my trust back. I'm just livid and hurt that a "therapist" in the field could approach it this way and I'm more concerned about the quality of this center than before. I know there are a lot of parents who have their adult children in this center - is that the same thing that she's telling parents? That it's THEIR fault that their child has an addiction? I called my mom last night because she's been through all of this with her ex-husband and she was blown away, too. She said she's been to multiple therapists with her ex and it was just the opposite - the therapists kept telling her that it wasn't her fault and throwing it back on him.
This whole experience has just knocked the wind out of me. I thought I was coping okay until then. I've literally spent the last 24 hours crying and I'm so disheartened. If I stay, she's telling me that I basically have to accept that this is my life because I've been complicit all these years. But leaving isn't so simple. It's just not black and white. And I don't think that staying has to mean that things stay the same. But I'm supposed to make a decision now?
I said I'd go back for one more session, but I don't want to walk into another ambush. Has anyone else been through this? I'm so dazed by all of it.
I'm not so sure about my husband's treatment center. I put that burden on him to arrange all of it, and of course, he didn't do his homework. I have doubts that these people are truly qualified therapists and I had concerns with their methodology. He's going to group 2 days/week and meeting with an individual therapist 1 day. He goes 4 days between UA's which means he could still use over the weekends (which happens to be when he's responsible for our two children) and test clean on Monday morning. There's no random testing, so he could easily figure out the loopholes. And he has, because that's what addicts do. I caught him drunk last Friday and drug tested him when he came over Saturday morning. He tested positive for Oxy and still lied to my face when confronted with the evidence. Worse, still, when I confronted him about all of the lies and all of the manipulation tactics that I'm starting to recognize, now that I've had some distance, he blamed me! He said he refuses to accept all of the blame and that it's my fault that he manipulated me - if I didn't like it and if I wasn't happy, I should have left. I was flabbergasted! I told him he was right - I should have left. But it's not that simple now. We have a mortgage and 2 kids. And that doesn't mean that I have to accept this as okay any more if I accept to move forward. I told him if he ever speaks to me that way again, he can start to communicate with me through a lawyer because, clearly, he's not really going to change. I also asked him to set something up with this therapist of his so we could hash it all out.
Part of his manipulation is to control the flow of information - he chose this particular facility because I can't participate. I work 50 miles away from the center, so anything on a weeknight is out of the question. They also don't accept our insurance, so I don't get any statements. His parents are paying (hello, enabling!), but I'm in the dark. And he knows it. I attended one group family session a few weeks ago and brought it up - they said that they'd do a Saturday session so that I could confront him on his lies and get some closure. I thought that's what I was signing up for, but apparently I was walking into an ambush.
This "therapist" led by asking for what we expected out of it. I said that I needed all of the lies to stop. She flat out told me that it wasn't a realistic expectation for an addict and that "It takes two to make an addict," so I need to own up to the part that I've played in his addiction. I was shocked! I know the old adage is that where there's an addict, there's a codependent, but I don't fit that mold at all. And I know that sounds like denial, but again, I am educated in the field and I sincerely don't fit into that model. I didn't stay with him knowing what was going on and feeling like I could "help" him. I don't feel good that he depends on me - quite the opposite, in fact. I hate it. But she came at it with that assumption. She told me that I've allowed him to get away with all of this for all this time, so basically it's just as much my fault as his. I lost it at her! I will admit, I bailed him out of trouble. The first time, it was because he was young. We both were. And everyone makes mistakes. But every time after that, it was in the name of self-preservation, not out of "love" for him of "because I wanted to help him." We were married and had a mortgage and two kids - his choices had consequences and while I didn't make the choices, the consequences fell on me. And my kids. I was stuck. And I will also admit that I should not have tolerated him treating me the way he did at the beginning of our relationship, but I was young. I loved him. And I didn't want to control him by saying he couldn't hang out with his friends or making his choices for him. I never went through his things or opened his mail. I may have enabled his behavior, but I also didn't know what he was doing. He lied to me and he manipulated me and this therapist just told me that it was my fault because "he fed me a sh__t sandwich and i ate it," In her words.
The session went down hill from there - she said that I needed to decide right now if I'm staying with him or divorcing him because I'm keeping him from moving forward in treatment. And that I need to control my reactions because I'm making it easy for him to lie to me. Why would he tell me the truth if I'm getting angry at him? I'm apparently just supposed to tell him "thank you for being honest," and then reward his behavior with one-on-one time. Because if there's consequences for honesty, he's only going to lie to me. And there is some truth in that, but at the end of the day, I'm GOING to be angry at his actions. But I'm going to be a lot more angry if he lies about it. And that's not unreasonable. And he needs to learn to face the consequences, not be told that it's not his fault he's lying, it's because of MY reactions! Besides, I'm NOT always angry at him when he tells me the truth or when I catch him lying.
She also kept saying that it's my fault because I'm not setting and keeping boundaries. I agree that I need to be more firm on my boundaries, but I don't know how. And I kept asking her how. She just kept saying there has to be consequences. Again, I said how. She never quite gave me an answer. I told her that I was so tired of being the bad guy, especially in the eyes of my kids. That it isn't fair that my kids see me mad at Daddy, but they don't and can't understand why. I don't want the burden of policing my husband or keeping my kids from their dad. That's not fair to put on me! She said that if I stay, I have to accept the crap end of the stick.
Meanwhile, he sat there crying and saying all of the same crap he always says, he "wants to change," and "he's trying," and his "family means everything," to him. She kept telling me to parrot back what he was saying and I just couldn't. She accused me of not listening - no wonder he doesn't tell me things! I explained that it's because I've heard it all before. ALL of it. And I'm at the point that I can't hear it any more. I need to hear something that gives me hope. Something that tells me this time is different. That it's worth staying in this marriage. She told me that she "knows addicts" and that she can tell that he's motivated and that I'm either going to have to accept that or get out.
It was all so contradictory - She kept saying that I got him into this mess because I've been acting like his mom. I explained that she was only true to a point, and that I've stopped doing it for the past year because I realized that being his emotional support without getting any in return was crushing me. And when I put my foot down, that's when he started using cocaine. Which, again, she pinned on me because she "doesn't send her 3 year old out onto the streets to fend for himself and expect him to survive!" I thought I wasn't supposed to be his mom? And just before that, she told me that if I left, he was a big boy and he could take care of himself? And she also told me that a lot of the same parenting tools I use on my kids are going to apply to his recovery - clear rewards and punishments. I'm so confused at this lady!
She bashed on me for an hour. And all of my anger at her for the way she was treating me only served to prove to her that I was at fault.
I know that his addiction is NOT my fault. He made his choices and he needs to face the consequences. And part of those consequences is my anger and my lack of trust. He needs to EARN my trust back. I'm just livid and hurt that a "therapist" in the field could approach it this way and I'm more concerned about the quality of this center than before. I know there are a lot of parents who have their adult children in this center - is that the same thing that she's telling parents? That it's THEIR fault that their child has an addiction? I called my mom last night because she's been through all of this with her ex-husband and she was blown away, too. She said she's been to multiple therapists with her ex and it was just the opposite - the therapists kept telling her that it wasn't her fault and throwing it back on him.
This whole experience has just knocked the wind out of me. I thought I was coping okay until then. I've literally spent the last 24 hours crying and I'm so disheartened. If I stay, she's telling me that I basically have to accept that this is my life because I've been complicit all these years. But leaving isn't so simple. It's just not black and white. And I don't think that staying has to mean that things stay the same. But I'm supposed to make a decision now?
I said I'd go back for one more session, but I don't want to walk into another ambush. Has anyone else been through this? I'm so dazed by all of it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 88
Ugh I feel for you. How absolutely awful! I've been told by a counselor the same things at my fiances first rehab stint. . Basically the jist of it was that I've allowed this behavior....... (Ummm no no way) the second I found out my fiancé was addicted to the pills they gave him from his knee (he injured in Iraq) I alerted the entire family, reached out for help and support and protected my finances. He instantly went to treatment but somehow instead of him being labeled bad... I was told I have a disease.... Codependency. I was furious. How bout they make the drug addicts man up to their behavior instead of blaming their misconduct on an aiding spouse. I think the whole thing is bull****! And still do to this day. I don't believe you have to kick your partner out the minute they find themselves in a bad situation OR you'll be labeled codependent. We have been through such a struggle, I met him NORMAL and sober, educated, hardworking, a soldier working on college degrees in medicine.... I am not the girls that run around and pick men they can fix, knowing good and well disaster awaits. I know exactly how you feel and the bottom line is they are never held accountable. Ever. They blame their drug use on everyone around and then counsellors relay the messages. They don't like their job? Quit... It's not good for your recovery..... Your wife is upset about your drug use?? Leave.... It's not good for your recovery. Your mom isn't happy with your drug use?? Maybe distance yourself from her.... It's not good for your recovery! It's insane to me.... "They need to focus on themselves and their recovery above all else" .... That's nice but who's gonna pay the mortgage you signed for with me and take care of our life that you made a mess of?? Oh don't worry I will! Go focus on your recovery....... Lol I feel your pain!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Wow. That's horrible. I usually don't reply on this thread because I'm an alcoholic in recovery, not the wife of (I'm not the wife of anyone). I am the child of an alcoholic and I can assure you that wasn't my fault!
My daughter went to Alateen for a while and had a somewhat similar (although no comparison really) experience. She's like "Why am I supposed to do the steps?". My drinking is entirely my fault and my responsibility.
I would have looked for your husband to jump in and say "Hey she's not at fault. I own this." That to me would signify acceptance and surrender. Even if you WERE a codie, his drinking is still his responsibility. And so is his recovery. AND if he truly were honest, open and willing he would accept, in spades, that he has to earn back your trust. That won't happen on his schedule or the counselors schedule, it happens on yours.
Why not find another counselor that is outside the treatment facility? No reason you have to go back if it was that bad. Its ridiculous for her to encourage you to just cut and run. This is your family. But do protect yourself and the kids. Sometimes we addicts need a good hard slap in the face to wake up.
I sympathize greatly with any non addict that has to try to make heads or tails of our insanity. But for darn sure, hold those boundaries. Do your best to stay out of his path of destruction. Good luck.
My daughter went to Alateen for a while and had a somewhat similar (although no comparison really) experience. She's like "Why am I supposed to do the steps?". My drinking is entirely my fault and my responsibility.
I would have looked for your husband to jump in and say "Hey she's not at fault. I own this." That to me would signify acceptance and surrender. Even if you WERE a codie, his drinking is still his responsibility. And so is his recovery. AND if he truly were honest, open and willing he would accept, in spades, that he has to earn back your trust. That won't happen on his schedule or the counselors schedule, it happens on yours.
Why not find another counselor that is outside the treatment facility? No reason you have to go back if it was that bad. Its ridiculous for her to encourage you to just cut and run. This is your family. But do protect yourself and the kids. Sometimes we addicts need a good hard slap in the face to wake up.
I sympathize greatly with any non addict that has to try to make heads or tails of our insanity. But for darn sure, hold those boundaries. Do your best to stay out of his path of destruction. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
What an idiot. She can tell he's serious about his recovery? Yeah, he sounds real serious. Your husband must have been loving this. Look, he's showed in so many ways that recovery is not important to HIM, so at least your counselor was right about one thing- if you choose to stay with him, expect the crap end of the stick. Expect things to get worse, and worse, and worse.
Outpatient is a joke to active addicts. The only way it is useful is if they have already (and recently) completed a long, successful stint in inpatient.
If your husband was to look you in the eyes and tell you he has no intention of quitting drugs, possibly ever, and that he most likely will start taking larger amounts more frequently, and that he plans to steal from you and probably the kids, and show up to their events intoxicated and make of fool of himself and therefore, you...
What would you do?
Now, does he really have to say it out loud? Because he won't. But he has, in his own way.
So what now?
Outpatient is a joke to active addicts. The only way it is useful is if they have already (and recently) completed a long, successful stint in inpatient.
If your husband was to look you in the eyes and tell you he has no intention of quitting drugs, possibly ever, and that he most likely will start taking larger amounts more frequently, and that he plans to steal from you and probably the kids, and show up to their events intoxicated and make of fool of himself and therefore, you...
What would you do?
Now, does he really have to say it out loud? Because he won't. But he has, in his own way.
So what now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 11
Thank you all for your responses! I just kept thinking, "this can't be right!" I'm glad to see that this isn't normal, because that's a really depressing thought! Nelly - you and I sound so similar! I'm getting so tired of being labeled "co-dependent" and stuck in a box that doesn't fit me.
I'm feel like I'm just trying to make the best decisions I can with the information that's available to me. Problem is, I don't have all of the information because he's still telling lies. So I'm waiting to see some progress. I feel like the best thing I can do is to give him a chance, but sit back and observe. Identify the patterns that I couldn't see when I was stuck in the middle. That's the only way that I CAN set boundaries. How could I, when I didn't know what was going on? Maybe he can get better. And maybe he can't. But right now, the best I can do is sit back and observe. And I resent that his counselor is pushing me to decide, because that's not fair to anyone in my family.
We don't really have any other choice but for him to do outpatient. He has to keep his job or we can't pay the mortgage. The social workers at the ER recommended outpatient as the best course of action, at this point, too. As far as addictions go, he's not as far into it as others (a point that his family and his therapists keep pointing out, and I keep having to point out that it's bad enough. Yes, it could be worse. But this is bad enough!) If he's taking this seriously, outpatient should be fine. But that's the thing - IF he's taking it seriously. And I'm waiting to see a glimmer of hope that he is. The fact that he was drunk last week and then lied to me when he was caught red handed tells me he's not. When I brought this up to his counselor, her response was: "He's GOING to relapse. That's not a realistic expectation that you should have." I agreed - sure, he'll relapse. But he needs to learn from those relapses for them to be at all meaningful. And the fact that he still lied to me, even when he was very obviously backed into a corner, tells me he isn't. Her response? "Well of course he lied - you backed him into a corner!" Um... seriously? She kept telling me that they don't punish the addicts for having a "dirty" UA - not punishing them makes it easier for them to tell the truth. But then what the heck are the consequences? Is she seriously saying that they can do whatever they want and it's okay as long as they're honest about it? He didn't even tell them that he had relapsed, but I'M the one being confronted about it? She did confess that her husband is an alcoholic and that she's had a lot of close family die from addiction, so I think she has a rather personal chip on her shoulder. Maybe she was just angry at herself for staying with her own husband and taking it out on me. I don't know. But she kept saying that her policy with her husband is that she'll stay, so long as he's trying. But that's all I hear from my husband - that he's trying. What does that mean? At a certain point, it becomes meaningless.
I feel like I have a running pro/con list in my head - if I stay, then I run the risk that he won't really get sober. That this is all going to happen again. And that's a very real risk. But I also don't think that it means that staying means I have to be okay with the status quo. On the flipside, if I leave, his problems are his problems and he has to really face them. Which could help his recovery or it could allow him to get worse. I'm not going to lie - I'm scared that he'll get worse. I hold the health insurance, the mental health benefits, plus his tuition reimbursement so that he can finish school. I know school is a big motivator for him and, if he finishes it and gets a better job, it means more financial security for my kids. As of now, I wouldn't get much in child support, not that getting anything is guaranteed with an addict. And though I have a good job and I have a degree, I've looked into how much it would cost to support 2 kids on my income and it's truly depressing. Rent in my state is more expensive than buying, but even then, all I can afford to buy is in an area that a) moves me closer to work, but further from family and b) is in the literal WORST school district in the state, in a state full of bad schools. I don't want that for my kids. And at the end of the day, he needs to be a good dad for them. Regardless of what happens to our marriage down the road, I want to be able to look at my kids and tell them that I honestly did everything I could do to help him be a good dad. If it weren't for them, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. But that's not the situation I'm in. This counselor kept pushing me to make a decision - stay or go- and it's just not that simple. I wish it were that black and white, but it isn't. I could go either way, at this point. I want him to be a good father and a good husband. I want our lives back. Not only that, I want the life that I THOUGHT we had. But if that's not possible, then I want to move on. I'm just waiting to see if that's possible. And she said that's not fair to him.
I spoke with him today and told him how upset I was with her attitude and the fact that they're obviously not holding him accountable for his actions and his choices. I said I'd go to one more session to see if maybe that chip has fallen off of her shoulder, but I won't continually sign up for what essentially amounts to victim blaming. He did say that he'd be willing to switch treatment facilities, if I felt more comfortable with that, so I guess we'll see. If they're not going to build accountability into his treatment plan, then yes, I would like him to switch!
Thanks again for all of your support. You guys are really the best online community I've ever seen! This process is hard enough without people telling us that it's our own fault on top of it!
I'm feel like I'm just trying to make the best decisions I can with the information that's available to me. Problem is, I don't have all of the information because he's still telling lies. So I'm waiting to see some progress. I feel like the best thing I can do is to give him a chance, but sit back and observe. Identify the patterns that I couldn't see when I was stuck in the middle. That's the only way that I CAN set boundaries. How could I, when I didn't know what was going on? Maybe he can get better. And maybe he can't. But right now, the best I can do is sit back and observe. And I resent that his counselor is pushing me to decide, because that's not fair to anyone in my family.
We don't really have any other choice but for him to do outpatient. He has to keep his job or we can't pay the mortgage. The social workers at the ER recommended outpatient as the best course of action, at this point, too. As far as addictions go, he's not as far into it as others (a point that his family and his therapists keep pointing out, and I keep having to point out that it's bad enough. Yes, it could be worse. But this is bad enough!) If he's taking this seriously, outpatient should be fine. But that's the thing - IF he's taking it seriously. And I'm waiting to see a glimmer of hope that he is. The fact that he was drunk last week and then lied to me when he was caught red handed tells me he's not. When I brought this up to his counselor, her response was: "He's GOING to relapse. That's not a realistic expectation that you should have." I agreed - sure, he'll relapse. But he needs to learn from those relapses for them to be at all meaningful. And the fact that he still lied to me, even when he was very obviously backed into a corner, tells me he isn't. Her response? "Well of course he lied - you backed him into a corner!" Um... seriously? She kept telling me that they don't punish the addicts for having a "dirty" UA - not punishing them makes it easier for them to tell the truth. But then what the heck are the consequences? Is she seriously saying that they can do whatever they want and it's okay as long as they're honest about it? He didn't even tell them that he had relapsed, but I'M the one being confronted about it? She did confess that her husband is an alcoholic and that she's had a lot of close family die from addiction, so I think she has a rather personal chip on her shoulder. Maybe she was just angry at herself for staying with her own husband and taking it out on me. I don't know. But she kept saying that her policy with her husband is that she'll stay, so long as he's trying. But that's all I hear from my husband - that he's trying. What does that mean? At a certain point, it becomes meaningless.
I feel like I have a running pro/con list in my head - if I stay, then I run the risk that he won't really get sober. That this is all going to happen again. And that's a very real risk. But I also don't think that it means that staying means I have to be okay with the status quo. On the flipside, if I leave, his problems are his problems and he has to really face them. Which could help his recovery or it could allow him to get worse. I'm not going to lie - I'm scared that he'll get worse. I hold the health insurance, the mental health benefits, plus his tuition reimbursement so that he can finish school. I know school is a big motivator for him and, if he finishes it and gets a better job, it means more financial security for my kids. As of now, I wouldn't get much in child support, not that getting anything is guaranteed with an addict. And though I have a good job and I have a degree, I've looked into how much it would cost to support 2 kids on my income and it's truly depressing. Rent in my state is more expensive than buying, but even then, all I can afford to buy is in an area that a) moves me closer to work, but further from family and b) is in the literal WORST school district in the state, in a state full of bad schools. I don't want that for my kids. And at the end of the day, he needs to be a good dad for them. Regardless of what happens to our marriage down the road, I want to be able to look at my kids and tell them that I honestly did everything I could do to help him be a good dad. If it weren't for them, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. But that's not the situation I'm in. This counselor kept pushing me to make a decision - stay or go- and it's just not that simple. I wish it were that black and white, but it isn't. I could go either way, at this point. I want him to be a good father and a good husband. I want our lives back. Not only that, I want the life that I THOUGHT we had. But if that's not possible, then I want to move on. I'm just waiting to see if that's possible. And she said that's not fair to him.
I spoke with him today and told him how upset I was with her attitude and the fact that they're obviously not holding him accountable for his actions and his choices. I said I'd go to one more session to see if maybe that chip has fallen off of her shoulder, but I won't continually sign up for what essentially amounts to victim blaming. He did say that he'd be willing to switch treatment facilities, if I felt more comfortable with that, so I guess we'll see. If they're not going to build accountability into his treatment plan, then yes, I would like him to switch!
Thanks again for all of your support. You guys are really the best online community I've ever seen! This process is hard enough without people telling us that it's our own fault on top of it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Some "programs" are just $ grubbers that cater to the addict so they get their $. And the fact they don't "accept" your insurance is suspect. Perhaps your insurance won't cover their crappy program? Thank God he's open to change programs / facilities! That's a positive! I wouldn't waste your time going to another ambush session.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Just to add: back in the 90's I used to see a therapist my A sister used to see (I didn't know she was an A at the time). Now that I think about it, I had the best health insurance possible through my employer but I remember always writing the checks after our sessions to his little wife at the front desk watching my puny bank account go down. Anyway, about 3 years ago my sister's alcoholism had progressed to the point she couldn't hold a job, and was stumbling down falling so much she had black eyes and seizures and was also abusing Xanax. Fast forward to her being on life support in ICU in an induced coma and her enabling husband, who had "hidden" her condition from others for God knows how long, told me "but Mr. Therapist tells her she's NOT an alcoholic." I'm like whaaaat???? She still goes to HIM??? (Knowing what a quack he is and just tells you what you want to hear so you just keep writing those checks LOL.) Anyway, your AH's facility brought that memory to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 11
I'm trying to find some credentials for this woman online and I'm coming up short - she didn't introduce herself to me, so I've been sifting through all of this facility's social media and internet presence. Nothing. They have provider bios online, but hers is conveniently missing. And I don't see her face on any of their social media pages. That alone is sketchy. So I texted my husband and asked for her full name - he doesn't know (but he'll ask tonight)! Are you kidding me? She didn't give him a business card or any kind of information with her name and credentials on it? I'm going to call my therapist this afternoon and ask her for a referral list. Then I'm going to make some phone calls and present him with his options!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
