Kicked husband out...now what?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 11
Kicked husband out...now what?
After years of bizarre, inexplicable behavior, I just learned that my husband is an alcoholic and a cocaine addict. He hid it remarkably well. I think that's mostly what I'm still processing, at this point. I never had any indisputable evidence of anything. No missing money (at first), no opportunity for him to do anything (or so I thought!) - it just didn't make sense. I thought maybe it was a mental health issue, and I knew he had problem drinking behaviors, for sure, but I had no idea how deep it went. I read a quote yesterday that said, "if things aren't adding up, it's probably because the truth was left out of the equation." And, boy, does that ring true right now! He had a network of enablers - friends who kept his secrets, even in front of me. A secret credit card to fund the expenses. It was like he was leading a double life.
Things had been awful for a very long time, but I was stuck with two small kids. I felt like a single mother, even though I was married and I almost preferred that he wasn't home because when he was, he was bizarre - slurred words, illogical, moods would shift on a dime, uncoordinated, and his eyes just looked...crazy. I know now that he was drunk (and probably high) and that he was trying to compensate for it. Like I'd never notice. He tried (and sometimes, I'll admit, succeeded) to convince me that I was crazy. That I was imagining things. That he was just stressed and had a lot of pressure at work. Lots of long hours. I knew he was full of crap, but I had no evidence, two babies, and a mortgage to pay. So I resigned myself to this life because, for the time being, it was easier than being a real single mom.
Something in me snapped at the beginning of this year. I just couldn't handle the thought that this was my life. I needed something to change or I wanted out. And he believed me. He tried to change, and in some ways he got better. But in a lot of ways he got worse - he was suddenly clingy and kept tabs on me, accused me of having all kinds of affairs, draining money from the ATM and, once I cut that off, stealing cash from my purse and from our kids' college fund. All of our savings was gone before I could even catch it leaving and the credit card was racked up, to boot. It all came to a head when I learned about the cocaine and, a few days later, found myself in an ER in the middle of the night because he took some old pills. I knew he couldn't come home with me (as if this isn't enough, he has a history of suicidal thoughts and access to guns and I don't know where those guns are in my house), so I arranged for him to leave the hospital with a family member and stay there until he gets help.
When he came to, I gave him my terms - he needs to find a 90 day outpatient treatment program and complete it. I would participate in any family participation the program recommended. Meanwhile, he would live with that family member. Once he completes treatment, we can discuss the possibility of him moving home and going to couple's therapy. As for visitation of the kids, I'll let them have sleepovers at this family member's house one weekend night a week, so long as she's there at all times. At least at first. As treatment progresses, we can increase visitation on the recommendation of his therapist. In other words, as he has more free time, he can see the kids more. Meanwhile, I offered to let them video chat with him whenever they want to.
I had someone pick up the guns, that I knew of, and locate them elsewhere in their gun safe. I only found 1 (out of three). I asked him where the other two were. One is "at a friend's" house and the other was in my spare bathtub. Loaded. Where my kids could access it. His complete disregard for our safety and wellbeing in the pursuit of his own self destruction is truly amazing!
I've told my kids that Daddy is very sick and he needs to go see a special doctor. I've been telling them this for a long time, now, and they've already pointed out that he isn't following through on that. So I've told them that, until he does, he has to live with the family member. They've mostly been okay with that explanation, though they have had more and more questions as the days go on. Some of their questions catch me off guard - I tried so hard to shield them from things, but he didn't. And they witnessed a lot of bizarre behavior that they're starting to ask me about, now that he's not here every day. It's only been one week and I've let them call their dad twice - both on my suggestion because they haven't asked. In fact, the first time I suggested, #1 was adamant that she didn't want to talk to him. Which shocked me. Turns out, she was okay with talking to him so long as "he doesn't come to my house." The second time we called him, she didn't want to talk to him, either, but ended up doing so when her sister gave her the phone.
I think we all need some distance from him to begin to heal. And he needs to focus on getting better. I've asked for space, but he's contacted me in one way, shape or form every day since. I snapped at him when he called, so now it's more subtle - posting pictures on social media of him and the kids (the one who hasn't wanted to speak to him, to be specific). Today, he sent a text that he misses us all. It's like he's popping up every day like, "HEY! It's ME! Over HERE!" I find it very manipulative, but I know he's seeking the attention and I'm refraining from giving it to him. I feel very cold-hearted not responding, but I'm also completely furious that I asked for distance and he can't even do it for one day.
I have a therapy appointment set up for next week, but I don't know what to do in the mean time. I'm so blind sighted by all of this I can't think straight. I sincerely don't want to be with a drug addict and I'm skeptical that he can really get sober when this isn't exactly his idea. But at the end of the day, he still needs to be a good Dad to my kids. They deserve that. And since I carry the health insurance, I control his access to treatment. And I can't rip that rug out from under him for the sake of my kids. I don't know how I feel towards him except anger. In short - it's a lot to process.
So... I've finally done what I should have done a long time ago and kicked him out. Now what?
Things had been awful for a very long time, but I was stuck with two small kids. I felt like a single mother, even though I was married and I almost preferred that he wasn't home because when he was, he was bizarre - slurred words, illogical, moods would shift on a dime, uncoordinated, and his eyes just looked...crazy. I know now that he was drunk (and probably high) and that he was trying to compensate for it. Like I'd never notice. He tried (and sometimes, I'll admit, succeeded) to convince me that I was crazy. That I was imagining things. That he was just stressed and had a lot of pressure at work. Lots of long hours. I knew he was full of crap, but I had no evidence, two babies, and a mortgage to pay. So I resigned myself to this life because, for the time being, it was easier than being a real single mom.
Something in me snapped at the beginning of this year. I just couldn't handle the thought that this was my life. I needed something to change or I wanted out. And he believed me. He tried to change, and in some ways he got better. But in a lot of ways he got worse - he was suddenly clingy and kept tabs on me, accused me of having all kinds of affairs, draining money from the ATM and, once I cut that off, stealing cash from my purse and from our kids' college fund. All of our savings was gone before I could even catch it leaving and the credit card was racked up, to boot. It all came to a head when I learned about the cocaine and, a few days later, found myself in an ER in the middle of the night because he took some old pills. I knew he couldn't come home with me (as if this isn't enough, he has a history of suicidal thoughts and access to guns and I don't know where those guns are in my house), so I arranged for him to leave the hospital with a family member and stay there until he gets help.
When he came to, I gave him my terms - he needs to find a 90 day outpatient treatment program and complete it. I would participate in any family participation the program recommended. Meanwhile, he would live with that family member. Once he completes treatment, we can discuss the possibility of him moving home and going to couple's therapy. As for visitation of the kids, I'll let them have sleepovers at this family member's house one weekend night a week, so long as she's there at all times. At least at first. As treatment progresses, we can increase visitation on the recommendation of his therapist. In other words, as he has more free time, he can see the kids more. Meanwhile, I offered to let them video chat with him whenever they want to.
I had someone pick up the guns, that I knew of, and locate them elsewhere in their gun safe. I only found 1 (out of three). I asked him where the other two were. One is "at a friend's" house and the other was in my spare bathtub. Loaded. Where my kids could access it. His complete disregard for our safety and wellbeing in the pursuit of his own self destruction is truly amazing!
I've told my kids that Daddy is very sick and he needs to go see a special doctor. I've been telling them this for a long time, now, and they've already pointed out that he isn't following through on that. So I've told them that, until he does, he has to live with the family member. They've mostly been okay with that explanation, though they have had more and more questions as the days go on. Some of their questions catch me off guard - I tried so hard to shield them from things, but he didn't. And they witnessed a lot of bizarre behavior that they're starting to ask me about, now that he's not here every day. It's only been one week and I've let them call their dad twice - both on my suggestion because they haven't asked. In fact, the first time I suggested, #1 was adamant that she didn't want to talk to him. Which shocked me. Turns out, she was okay with talking to him so long as "he doesn't come to my house." The second time we called him, she didn't want to talk to him, either, but ended up doing so when her sister gave her the phone.
I think we all need some distance from him to begin to heal. And he needs to focus on getting better. I've asked for space, but he's contacted me in one way, shape or form every day since. I snapped at him when he called, so now it's more subtle - posting pictures on social media of him and the kids (the one who hasn't wanted to speak to him, to be specific). Today, he sent a text that he misses us all. It's like he's popping up every day like, "HEY! It's ME! Over HERE!" I find it very manipulative, but I know he's seeking the attention and I'm refraining from giving it to him. I feel very cold-hearted not responding, but I'm also completely furious that I asked for distance and he can't even do it for one day.
I have a therapy appointment set up for next week, but I don't know what to do in the mean time. I'm so blind sighted by all of this I can't think straight. I sincerely don't want to be with a drug addict and I'm skeptical that he can really get sober when this isn't exactly his idea. But at the end of the day, he still needs to be a good Dad to my kids. They deserve that. And since I carry the health insurance, I control his access to treatment. And I can't rip that rug out from under him for the sake of my kids. I don't know how I feel towards him except anger. In short - it's a lot to process.
So... I've finally done what I should have done a long time ago and kicked him out. Now what?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mammabear....just a couple of thoughts.....
For genuine, lasting recovery...it requires judicious adherence to a program that he wants for himself. It has to be his FIRST priority....because if he isn't in recovery...nothing else in his life will "work".....
This takes time and hard. consistent work. Early recovery is generally considered to be one year at m inimum...and, really, more like two years!
Addiction lasts for a lifetime...and it requires a total commitment to change in order to keep it in remission.
It sounds like things had gotten pretty far off into the ditch....considering the children's reactions and your reactions.....
It sounds, from what you write, that he has a long way to go....even beyond a 3 month outpatient program......
That you have a therapist, is a good thing, I think....You asnd the children are going to need a lot of healing....and I suggest that this should be your first priority!
You have to set the boundaries that are in the best interest of you and the children. You cannot, necessarity, expect him to be happy and cooperative with those boundaries...but, it is your responsibility to enforce them......
I think you have made some bold and good moves, so far......for you and the kids.
Think of this as a long journey, rather than a sprint.....
If he were to come back into the home and relapse,,,which is li kely...think of how confusing and damaging to the kids that would be....
I don't know which state you live in...but, have you investigated a legal separation?
dandylion
For genuine, lasting recovery...it requires judicious adherence to a program that he wants for himself. It has to be his FIRST priority....because if he isn't in recovery...nothing else in his life will "work".....
This takes time and hard. consistent work. Early recovery is generally considered to be one year at m inimum...and, really, more like two years!
Addiction lasts for a lifetime...and it requires a total commitment to change in order to keep it in remission.
It sounds like things had gotten pretty far off into the ditch....considering the children's reactions and your reactions.....
It sounds, from what you write, that he has a long way to go....even beyond a 3 month outpatient program......
That you have a therapist, is a good thing, I think....You asnd the children are going to need a lot of healing....and I suggest that this should be your first priority!
You have to set the boundaries that are in the best interest of you and the children. You cannot, necessarity, expect him to be happy and cooperative with those boundaries...but, it is your responsibility to enforce them......
I think you have made some bold and good moves, so far......for you and the kids.
Think of this as a long journey, rather than a sprint.....
If he were to come back into the home and relapse,,,which is li kely...think of how confusing and damaging to the kids that would be....
I don't know which state you live in...but, have you investigated a legal separation?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Wow, does this sound like my ex! The theft, carelessness with guns, manipulative behavior. I think you are right to be skeptical about him getting sober if he doesn't necessarily want to. I made the mistake of trying to force rehab. Doesn't work.
One thing I can tell you is that even though he's the one endangering your kids, you will end up being responsible if you can't legally show that you've tried to protect them. LEGALLY. It didn't matter to the courts that I'd insisted my husband go to rehab, that I'd gotten his entire family involved in trying to convince him to store his guns properly, or that he'd tested positive on home drug tests, which are not valid in court. Now we're getting divorced and he sees the kids more than he did when we were married, without me there to protect them. I know he'll mess up eventually and I'll get full custody- but when?
Please, document, document, document, and report these incidents WHEN THEY HAPPEN. Don't wait it out, hoping he'll change, and then be told it's too late. I know it's so hard- we want things to work out. We don't want to be the bad guys. But a gun in the bathtub? He crossed the line.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through and hope you'll find what works for you.
One thing I can tell you is that even though he's the one endangering your kids, you will end up being responsible if you can't legally show that you've tried to protect them. LEGALLY. It didn't matter to the courts that I'd insisted my husband go to rehab, that I'd gotten his entire family involved in trying to convince him to store his guns properly, or that he'd tested positive on home drug tests, which are not valid in court. Now we're getting divorced and he sees the kids more than he did when we were married, without me there to protect them. I know he'll mess up eventually and I'll get full custody- but when?
Please, document, document, document, and report these incidents WHEN THEY HAPPEN. Don't wait it out, hoping he'll change, and then be told it's too late. I know it's so hard- we want things to work out. We don't want to be the bad guys. But a gun in the bathtub? He crossed the line.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through and hope you'll find what works for you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR Mamabear. As painful as this must be, I commend you on your clarity, knowing that it is both dangerous and unhealthy for him to be in the home or with his kids right now. I'm not sure you understand how very "right" that kind of thinking is, and I pray you all stay safe through the coming days.
It also is a good sign that the children ask questions, please answer them and encourage them to share their feelings, they too need to "get it out" and make sense of what is happening..and most of all, know that they are safe. Shielding them is an illusion, they saw what they saw and know what they know, and when nobody listens to them they think that somehow they may be to blame for it all.
Please stick around, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and know that you are among friends who truly understand and that you ae no longer alone.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
It also is a good sign that the children ask questions, please answer them and encourage them to share their feelings, they too need to "get it out" and make sense of what is happening..and most of all, know that they are safe. Shielding them is an illusion, they saw what they saw and know what they know, and when nobody listens to them they think that somehow they may be to blame for it all.
Please stick around, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and know that you are among friends who truly understand and that you ae no longer alone.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Welcome Mamabear. I am so sorry to read all you are going through but glad you found us. This is a wonderfully supportive environment for you to come and ask questions, vent or just talk.
I think you made a very difficult but very wise decision. I agree with Ann that your kids have probably witnessed more than you know and answering questions is vital. The fact that your daughter is not wanting to speak to him speaks volumes. She should not have to speak to him if she isn't ready. I think therapy for the family is a good idea and should help get their feelings out. I do not know their ages but assume they are old enough to understand what is happening. I would not rush to allow visitation and I would not assume he will accept rehab willingly or he may only be doing it to appease everyone. You have a long road ahead of you. Do what it the best for your children and yourself. His feelings cannot come into play because he will try to manipulate you and use everything he can think of to make you feel bad. You told him to leave you alone and he is not honoring that. Be firm with him and do not accept anything that you do not want to or makes you feel like you are giving in. Sounds like you are doing everything right to help your family get through this. Keep coming back and utilize the stickies at the top of the page as Ann suggested. Gentle hugs to you Mama.
I think you made a very difficult but very wise decision. I agree with Ann that your kids have probably witnessed more than you know and answering questions is vital. The fact that your daughter is not wanting to speak to him speaks volumes. She should not have to speak to him if she isn't ready. I think therapy for the family is a good idea and should help get their feelings out. I do not know their ages but assume they are old enough to understand what is happening. I would not rush to allow visitation and I would not assume he will accept rehab willingly or he may only be doing it to appease everyone. You have a long road ahead of you. Do what it the best for your children and yourself. His feelings cannot come into play because he will try to manipulate you and use everything he can think of to make you feel bad. You told him to leave you alone and he is not honoring that. Be firm with him and do not accept anything that you do not want to or makes you feel like you are giving in. Sounds like you are doing everything right to help your family get through this. Keep coming back and utilize the stickies at the top of the page as Ann suggested. Gentle hugs to you Mama.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Your story could be mine. We have such similarities that I almost felt like I was reading something I wrote. I have two very young children as well and we left the house over 5 months ago and although financially it's a struggle, our overall emotional well being is 100 times better! It sucks in the beginning, but I can promise you that it will get better and you will start to put all the pieces together of everything that just wasn't adding up! He will show his true colors as time goes on and you will realize you were not the crazy one. My best advice is to rally a good support system around you...family, close friends, good therapist (I saw one but she wasn't a match and now I have one that is amazing!), Al Anon, and this site! All of these things will help you get through this transition and understand addiction. I gave my husband an ultimatum to go to rehab or I was done...lots of people on this site told me that doesn't really work...I didn't understand it at the time but now I do. You can't force someone to get clean and even if they do its a long road ahead of them. Best thing you can do is to keep you and your kids safe. Hugs from a fellow mom who understands!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
I just wanted to add that going "no contact" helped tremendously. I know it might seem impossible in the beginning and it's tricky when kids are involved. He sees the kids supervised at my parents and I am not there but my parents stay and act as the supervisors (God bless them!) and I only keep an open communication with him via email and leave it strictly about the kids. He is blocked from my phone. Of course he tries to email me but I simply don't respond unless it involves the kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 11
Thank you all for your responses. I have thought about a legal separation for all of the reasons you all commented. My only hesitation is that some of my work benefits will no longer cover him if we're legally separated. I finally got him to go back to school and my work offers a lot of assistance with that, so if I file for separation, he loses that access (which is a strong motivator to stay sober), plus his health insurance coverage (which will be covering his outpatient rehab program) and his access to ongoing mental health care coverage. On the other hand, if I stay legally attached to him, I run the risk of complete financial ruin if he screws up. My compromise, for the time being, is to give him an opportunity to prove himself. He knows that I can't take the risk of him screwing us up legally or financially, so if he shows me that he can't be trusted then I will move forward with a legal separation. I just hate having to make these kind of decisions. I have moments where I'm stunned that this is my life. It's like I woke up in a nightmare to realize that I'm not dreaming. But I'm grateful that I found this community and I definitely plan on sticking around!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Mamabear,
I understand your reasons for not filing for a legal separation. I do wonder if you could sign up for a credit alert for both of you. This way you would be alerted if any new accounts were set up in either of your names.
Jaeger
I understand your reasons for not filing for a legal separation. I do wonder if you could sign up for a credit alert for both of you. This way you would be alerted if any new accounts were set up in either of your names.
Jaeger
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Mamabear I understand your worries, however, you cannot worry about his needs right now. He needs to take care of this himself and prove how serious he is about getting clean. It is hard work and it takes constant evaluating and work on oneself. You need to do what is best for you and the children. I know you feel "bad" but he has put himself in this mess and he has a decision to make. I think as therapy continues and you see what he is doing to help himself, your answer will come. No need to rush it as being a legal separation although I do think time and distance may be a help to you. Stick to your guns and boundaries. Hang in there.
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