How do I find the strength?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
How do I find the strength?
I've been lurking for a couple of days, reading some of the stickies. I'm at a really hard point. I think I know what I need to do but I can't get any momentum to actually do it. I'm hoping to find some advice, insight or at least people who understand...
A bit of backstory - My husband and I both have pretty severe anxiety/depression. I have literally committed myself for stabilization before. He has had to be sedated at the ER. Something else we have in common is that both of our fathers are recovering alcoholics. They've both been sober for decades and are awesome, but we both grew up in very tense households. Part of the way we manage our anxiety is that we live "good vibes only" type lifestyles. In over a decade of marriage, we've never yelled or insulted one another. We remove ourselves from any situations that are heated...
But, one situation has brought itself to us... again.
My brother is an addict/alcoholic. I know this, but he denies there's any issue. He can even convince me that I'm overreacting and there's no problem at times. But there is. I don't know the last time he went a day without drinking/using.
Well, he has ended up homeless... again. He and his wife showed up here earlier this week... again. He had showed up here a while back and stayed a couple of weeks, but he threw a tantrum and left because he asked for money and I told him I'd go to the store and buy what he needed but I couldn't give him cash. Apparently, since then, they've been kicked out of everywhere else they had to go. So, they're here.
It's very intense. They've just finished a good fight and passed out on our couch. I've woken up to the sound of screaming/cussing more than once this week.
Also, I've told them repeatedly that they can't bring animals here. We have two very old rescue dogs. Anytime a new animal enters the environment, they fight, trying to assert dominance. Well, he brought four house dogs with him. I've already had to separate my dogs twice.
My husband is throwing up, I can't eat. It's just too much.
But, I know they don't realistically have anywhere else to go. My parents can't handle the stress either. I don't know what will happen to them if I make them leave. He has a job, but all of their utilities are cut off and their landlord has already started the legal process of having them evicted by the police.
So, I'm in this big limbo.
Maybe he's not an addict? Maybe he really is down on his luck? But, he's got drugs and alcohol right this minute. I also know he owes a drug dealer money and I'm pretty scared of that dealer showing up here. But, then he says oh, I only drink one or two beers a day. Oh, I haven't used any hard drugs in months.
How can I make him legitimately homeless when I help homeless strangers? I don't say to them "I'll buy your dinner if you can prove this isn't your fault." I just buy them food. How can I treat my brother less? But how is he ever going to learn to stand on his own feet? He has lived with us, sometimes weeks, sometimes months, on and off his entire adult life.
Then, it's the manipulation. Alternating angry outbursts/screaming, crying, etc. He keeps saying he is sooo depressed, etc. What if he's actually suicidal and he does it if I kick him out? He keeps saying, "You're the only one who cares about me" but I kind of think that's to make me feel even more obligated.
But, if I let him stay here, I feel I'm doing a disservice to my husband and my pets (who are the closest I'll ever be able to have to children).
I love him. I really do. But, I don't know how to get him to get help. And I love my husband, too. And frankly, I want my own peaceful life back. I'm a recent cancer survivor and I'm facing enough stress with that, medical bills, work, etc.
When I think about it, I'm ready to just go off on him, but then when I look at him...
A bit of backstory - My husband and I both have pretty severe anxiety/depression. I have literally committed myself for stabilization before. He has had to be sedated at the ER. Something else we have in common is that both of our fathers are recovering alcoholics. They've both been sober for decades and are awesome, but we both grew up in very tense households. Part of the way we manage our anxiety is that we live "good vibes only" type lifestyles. In over a decade of marriage, we've never yelled or insulted one another. We remove ourselves from any situations that are heated...
But, one situation has brought itself to us... again.
My brother is an addict/alcoholic. I know this, but he denies there's any issue. He can even convince me that I'm overreacting and there's no problem at times. But there is. I don't know the last time he went a day without drinking/using.
Well, he has ended up homeless... again. He and his wife showed up here earlier this week... again. He had showed up here a while back and stayed a couple of weeks, but he threw a tantrum and left because he asked for money and I told him I'd go to the store and buy what he needed but I couldn't give him cash. Apparently, since then, they've been kicked out of everywhere else they had to go. So, they're here.
It's very intense. They've just finished a good fight and passed out on our couch. I've woken up to the sound of screaming/cussing more than once this week.
Also, I've told them repeatedly that they can't bring animals here. We have two very old rescue dogs. Anytime a new animal enters the environment, they fight, trying to assert dominance. Well, he brought four house dogs with him. I've already had to separate my dogs twice.
My husband is throwing up, I can't eat. It's just too much.
But, I know they don't realistically have anywhere else to go. My parents can't handle the stress either. I don't know what will happen to them if I make them leave. He has a job, but all of their utilities are cut off and their landlord has already started the legal process of having them evicted by the police.
So, I'm in this big limbo.
Maybe he's not an addict? Maybe he really is down on his luck? But, he's got drugs and alcohol right this minute. I also know he owes a drug dealer money and I'm pretty scared of that dealer showing up here. But, then he says oh, I only drink one or two beers a day. Oh, I haven't used any hard drugs in months.
How can I make him legitimately homeless when I help homeless strangers? I don't say to them "I'll buy your dinner if you can prove this isn't your fault." I just buy them food. How can I treat my brother less? But how is he ever going to learn to stand on his own feet? He has lived with us, sometimes weeks, sometimes months, on and off his entire adult life.
Then, it's the manipulation. Alternating angry outbursts/screaming, crying, etc. He keeps saying he is sooo depressed, etc. What if he's actually suicidal and he does it if I kick him out? He keeps saying, "You're the only one who cares about me" but I kind of think that's to make me feel even more obligated.
But, if I let him stay here, I feel I'm doing a disservice to my husband and my pets (who are the closest I'll ever be able to have to children).
I love him. I really do. But, I don't know how to get him to get help. And I love my husband, too. And frankly, I want my own peaceful life back. I'm a recent cancer survivor and I'm facing enough stress with that, medical bills, work, etc.
When I think about it, I'm ready to just go off on him, but then when I look at him...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He had showed up here a while back and stayed a couple of weeks, but he threw a tantrum and left because he asked for money and I told him I'd go to the store and buy what he needed but I couldn't give him cash.
I've told them repeatedly that they can't bring animals here. We have two very old rescue dogs. Anytime a new animal enters the environment, they fight, trying to assert dominance. Well, he brought four house dogs with him. I've already had to separate my dogs twice.
WeakGirl, he has no problem walking all over your boundaries, which shows absolutely no respect for you or your husband.
When my addict/recovering (depending what day) son moved home, I set boundaries...which were my rules for myself, but I made them clear to my son.
"There will be no drugs in my home, nor will any person using drugs or high or drunk be allowed here.
"I will not tolerate disrespect in my home. Anyone who is not respectful will be asked to leave immediately."
Once my boundaries were clear, if my son chose to cross them it was HE who got himself thrown out. His behaviour made it impossible for him to live in my home.
You and your husband sound like you are doing as much as you can to just take care of yourselves. The stress of your brother and his family and dogs is unfair to you and will make YOU sicker, while he has a soft place to land when he drinks.
You may need to engage the help of other family members, but I would give him a couple of weeks to find someplace else and then be prepared to evict him if he doesn't find one (it is common for them to not even look, or make up lies about why they cannot find a place).
I am glad you found us, you are among friends here. I hope you find the courage to take better care of yourself by making your brother face the consequences of his own actions.
Hugs
Edited to add:
I love him. I really do. But, I don't know how to get him to get help. And I love my husband, too. And frankly, I want my own peaceful life back. I'm a recent cancer survivor and I'm facing enough stress with that, medical bills, work, etc.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,055
Welcome Weakgirl (although with all you have survived you sound more like a strong woman!!). I hope you find lots of support here.
Letting a beloved addict suffer the consequences of his behavior is one of the hardest things in the world to do. You absolutely have a right to stick to your boundaries even if it means you brother winds up homeless. He has the right to live any way he wants and so do you. If he chooses to continue to drink, do drugs, and have pets, he can do this. You do not have to provide a home for him.
Big hug to you and keep posting!
Letting a beloved addict suffer the consequences of his behavior is one of the hardest things in the world to do. You absolutely have a right to stick to your boundaries even if it means you brother winds up homeless. He has the right to live any way he wants and so do you. If he chooses to continue to drink, do drugs, and have pets, he can do this. You do not have to provide a home for him.
Big hug to you and keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
Well, I confronted him a little. lol
Last night, I told him that there would not be another episode of violence in my home. Going in, I was actually expected that to turn into one of his fits. I think he was stunned silent. I've been a manager for a long time, so I decided to pull out my supervisor voice.
I just said told everyone that we needed to talk. Turned off the tv, etc. and said, "The things that happened here last night and a few mornings this week will not happen again in my home. Not one more time. (Hubby) and I do not live that kind of lifestyle and no one will bring it into our home. Our nerves cannot handle it, we do not want it and we will not accept it. Period. The end. There will be no further discussion."
I was prepared for screaming and throwing things, or alternately crying and telling me I didn't understand. He just said, "Okay. I'm sorry." and sat there with his head down.
I asked then if they had been to find anywhere to live and they told me about a couple of places and all of the reasons they didn't think they would work. I just told them that they didn't have time to be picky, to find somewhere and make a deposit and if it wasn't good enough, they could take their time looking for somewhere else once they were putting a roof over their own heads.
My husband had wanted me to tell them that they had to pitch in $100 a week on groceries and expenses (we're pretty broke). I didn't make it to that topic. I was feeling so guilty that I was scared if I kept talking, I would start crying and drop my tough girl façade. They were both high as kites, crystal meth, I'm pretty sure, but some kind of speed no less. Today, my brother was dropping hints wanting me to buy them some things and last night he was calling around trying to get someone to loan him money to bail someone out of jail, so I guess they already blew through his whole paycheck on drugs.
Thank y'all so much for the encouragement! I'm sorry that anyone understands but since there are other people suffering, I'm glad to at least have some solace from kindred spirits.
Last night, I told him that there would not be another episode of violence in my home. Going in, I was actually expected that to turn into one of his fits. I think he was stunned silent. I've been a manager for a long time, so I decided to pull out my supervisor voice.
I just said told everyone that we needed to talk. Turned off the tv, etc. and said, "The things that happened here last night and a few mornings this week will not happen again in my home. Not one more time. (Hubby) and I do not live that kind of lifestyle and no one will bring it into our home. Our nerves cannot handle it, we do not want it and we will not accept it. Period. The end. There will be no further discussion."
I was prepared for screaming and throwing things, or alternately crying and telling me I didn't understand. He just said, "Okay. I'm sorry." and sat there with his head down.
I asked then if they had been to find anywhere to live and they told me about a couple of places and all of the reasons they didn't think they would work. I just told them that they didn't have time to be picky, to find somewhere and make a deposit and if it wasn't good enough, they could take their time looking for somewhere else once they were putting a roof over their own heads.
My husband had wanted me to tell them that they had to pitch in $100 a week on groceries and expenses (we're pretty broke). I didn't make it to that topic. I was feeling so guilty that I was scared if I kept talking, I would start crying and drop my tough girl façade. They were both high as kites, crystal meth, I'm pretty sure, but some kind of speed no less. Today, my brother was dropping hints wanting me to buy them some things and last night he was calling around trying to get someone to loan him money to bail someone out of jail, so I guess they already blew through his whole paycheck on drugs.
Thank y'all so much for the encouragement! I'm sorry that anyone understands but since there are other people suffering, I'm glad to at least have some solace from kindred spirits.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The way you spoke, calmly and firmly, showed that you are firm in your boundaries.
I used to tell my son "You can respect my boundaries and live in my home or live however you want anyplace else." He understood that but still pushed to the limit and it just never had a happy ending.
I like what you said to him about finding a place for now and then looking for a better place from there...I have a feeling that he heard you but was not "listening", that's often how it works.
Stay strong, you need all your energy for yourself right now.
Hugs.
I used to tell my son "You can respect my boundaries and live in my home or live however you want anyplace else." He understood that but still pushed to the limit and it just never had a happy ending.
I like what you said to him about finding a place for now and then looking for a better place from there...I have a feeling that he heard you but was not "listening", that's often how it works.
Stay strong, you need all your energy for yourself right now.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
"Part of the way we manage our anxiety is that we live "good vibes only" type lifestyles. In over a decade of marriage, we've never yelled or insulted one another. We remove ourselves from any situations that are heated..."
This statement is like a breath of fresh air to me. I have only recently decided to make this kind of life for myself, and it's okay to do so.
For most of my life, I suffered under a sense of obligation to have some sort of drama in my life. This led me to associate with dramatic people. Now I find this so utterly repugnant, I am REALLY picky about who I hang out with. I am alone most of the time, but find this preferable to my former way of life.
As for the strength you need to get your life back to normal, I believe it will start with a "no" to anyone trying to move into your house. ANYONE.
Thanks for sharing. Please keep coming back.
This statement is like a breath of fresh air to me. I have only recently decided to make this kind of life for myself, and it's okay to do so.
For most of my life, I suffered under a sense of obligation to have some sort of drama in my life. This led me to associate with dramatic people. Now I find this so utterly repugnant, I am REALLY picky about who I hang out with. I am alone most of the time, but find this preferable to my former way of life.
As for the strength you need to get your life back to normal, I believe it will start with a "no" to anyone trying to move into your house. ANYONE.
Thanks for sharing. Please keep coming back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
Thank y'all so much!
Ann, I think you're right about the listening but not hearing. I don't think they're in any hurry to get out of here. Some of their reasons that places wouldn't work were ridiculous. They actually even commented that one place didn't have nice scenery. Ummm... WHAT?!? I also don't think there's a happy ending coming in this situation.
Eauchiche, it can be a lonely way to live but it's definitely worth it - when you can stick to it. haha. We have found a few like-minded friends, but tend to stick to ourselves anyway. And you're right, I don't think anyone needs to be living here. If it were someone who were really a victim of circumstances beyond their control, I think there would be less anger. But, we have our groove and not many people are committed to a quiet, peaceful way of living.
Ann, I think you're right about the listening but not hearing. I don't think they're in any hurry to get out of here. Some of their reasons that places wouldn't work were ridiculous. They actually even commented that one place didn't have nice scenery. Ummm... WHAT?!? I also don't think there's a happy ending coming in this situation.
Eauchiche, it can be a lonely way to live but it's definitely worth it - when you can stick to it. haha. We have found a few like-minded friends, but tend to stick to ourselves anyway. And you're right, I don't think anyone needs to be living here. If it were someone who were really a victim of circumstances beyond their control, I think there would be less anger. But, we have our groove and not many people are committed to a quiet, peaceful way of living.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Just a thought that once they have established residence there, you may have to legally evict, so you may want to find out what you need to do to do that in your area.
Hugs.
Hugs.
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