Missyt6022

My husband has suffered with addiction for years and I new that when I married him but I loved him anyway. He finally got sober about 3 years ago around the same time he had a back injury leaving him in chronic pain. He began taking oxycodone regularly. Did I know he was not always taking it as prescribed yes but it kept him sober and normal. We are very normal people, we have a great house, great family, healthy and beautiful kids, on the outside we are perfect. While pregnant with my 3rd child I noticed my husband was different, I spend a lot of time alone we never talked and I was beyond lonely. I throughout it was just a slump in our marriage, I was fat, pregnant unattractive, even boring at times so I attributed it to that. But looking back I new there was more going on, I just didn't want to see it. How could I not have seen it. It was clearly slapping me in the face but I kept telling myself its just pills, its just pills, he needs to start taking his pills right. Well on January 8th my world came crashing down, my husband had been on the couch for 4 days in withdrawals, so sick, I of course showed no compassion because he did this to himself. On day 4, January 8th I had to call 911 cause he called me to say good bye, I said no we will get help we will do this together, and what he said to me next I will never forget and at the time I found it insignificant, he said " R U sure? R U Sure no matter how much this breaks you, no matter what R U sure? I of course said yes yes lets just get you help. Later that night he was admitted to a psych wing of the hospital When I heard the words "hes been shooting Heroin". Instant silence. And then the world came crashing down, I ran to the basement to make sure it was true I needed evidence, bam there it was, it was true. Since January 8th we have attempted rehab but he felt this was something he could do at home just as well as rehab, first few weeks were great he felt great, I fell back in love with my husband again! But it got harder and harder, he decided that he needed just a few suboxone to help get threw so he was buying them off a friend, then he ran out of them. Again my world came crashing down, I was in my kids room when I heard a loud thud and a strange gurgling sound and when I peeked in to the bath room he was lying on the floor face down smashed in to the sink. I yelled his name no answer just this awful sound, it took everything I had to roll him over and see that his face was this dusky blue color, I ran to a phone, it was dead, I ran to another phone and It felt like forever I called 911, I yelled his name I slapped his face nothing, he was out but taking these awful agonizing breaths. by the time the ambulance arrived he had woken up some but was clearly high as much as he denied denied denied. He refused medical care and when the ambulance left he passed back out on the couch and I began the search. What I found were 4 heroin bags 1 empty, so I called him out and he finally admitted it.

There is no trust left, there is no warmth. I feel empty inside and cry more than I laugh. My goal at this point is to protect my children and to breathe. These images of him sticking needles in his arm and the image of him lying on the floor almost dead haunt me every second of everyday. I never touched heroin, not once, but it has destroyed me. I am not ok, I have not been ok since I heard the word Heroin. Will I ever be ok? I honestly don't think so. Im living a life that im just trying to survive, im just trying to get threw this life with my children safe and only then can I rest. How did heroin find me, how did heroin get to my family we are normal people, we don't use heroin.

It feels good to put it out there, but even typing this all out makes me sad to the point that my heart hurts and its a feeling I have never felt. Will I be ok?

I know its long but its my story.
Thanks for reading
Missy6022
Broken

zoso77

Missy...

Welcome to the Board. I hope you take some comfort from the fact you're now with women and men who've been in a similar spot as yours, and have lived to tell the tale. So while you may feel "destroyed", that's simply not true. And the proof is in the fact that you found us and took the time to post.

The truly dangerous thing about heroin -- and opiates/opioids in general -- is they permanently change the brain chemistry of the user. Even after the addict successfully detoxes off them, the brain remembers all too well the bliss of being under the influence. I've heard opiates described as escape drugs. Whatever it is you're feeling goes away for a while once you pick up. And if someone new to recovery has a bad day, their brain's telling them, you know exactly how to make this go away. So they pick up, and they're off and running again.

So..what to do? Posting's a good first step. Our other members will be by in due course to offer you support and feedback. Your instincts regarding your children -- keeping them safe -- are on the money. Based on that, you need to do whatever you believe is necessary to protect them, and yourself. Your AH's words do not matter at this point. Assume he's lying. That way, you won't be blindsided by anything. You can get through this. You just have to be smart about it. And in order to be smart about it, you need to know exactly what it is you're up against.

Heroin's no joke. Learn what you can. Absorb the wisdom of our members. Protect yourself and your kids.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Ann

That's a great place to start, and reaching out here is a good choice too. We understand, if you read around, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum, you may begin to see that you are not alone here, and there is hope for better days ahead but it won't be easy and it won't come quickly.

So just for today, breathe and think about what you need to do next.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but it concerns me that your children could find his drugs or needles and the outcome could be tragic. You are finding his stash, odds are that they might too.

Keep reading here, and keep yourself and your children safe. The rest will come in good time.

I am glad you joined us.

Hugs

CodeJob

Welcome Missy,

Your first post is very powerful. You are not alone. There is an epidemic right now of people becoming addicted to oxy then transitioning to heroin when their pills get cut off. You can search on NYT for articles and NPR if you prefer audio if you don't believe me.

Secondly, your post has a very aware description of your initial denial about the problem with your husband. Having a baby is a big project and it's understandable you put his issues on hold. Sadly, you are not alone in having a partner choose addiction over a new baby either. There are posts here by others maybe at least one frightened woman every 6 weeks or so where they are pregnant and realizing the father is an addict.

Take one day at a time. Put your children's safety first and you will make each decision based on that goal. You know the enemy now. You can work to protect you and your kids now that you know the truth. Peace,

Bekindalways

Welcome Missy. I am so glad you found us.

Just reading your post is heartrending; living through this must be excruciating.

It does get better but it takes time. Lots of time. Read everything you can about addiction and being in relationship with them. For some people Alanon helps so you might give that a try.

Like Ann above, I read what you said, "My goal at this point is to protect my children and to breathe. " and thought wow, this is right on.

Please keep doing that: breathe and take care of those kids!

SadWife7

Find a group in your area. Alanon didn't work for me, but the hospital that did the intensive outpatient treatment program my husband went through has a family group that I still attend every week even though next week my husband will have 2 years clean from heroin/opiates. It makes such a difference when you realize you are not alone!!! I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd when I found out about my husband's heroin addiction. The entire pregnancy was miserable, dealing with the effects of his addiction while being completely clueless about the addiction. My family group offered education and support- your husband doesn't want to be putting you and the kids through this, but the addiction is so powerful it's terrifying and completely insane to those of us who are not addicts.

Missyt6022

Looking back on it now I can see all the signs, but at the time that I was living it I just kept saying to my self "no he would never do that", I honestly thought I was crazy for thinking he would and I even found myself from time to time google what track marks look like to see if I could see them or if random cups of water in his work shop had any link to heroin, and even when I found out and I confronted him about it over the phone while he was at C-Pap for the pill addiction I thought he had I said how did I not know? and he calmly said you did no you just didn't want to know. And he was right, I should have done something, but really there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. Finding this site is starting to help but I still can't write or read a post with out the tears welling up, I still cry on my way to and from work when im alone in the car. Sadly I truly believe that his addiction will win in this case, after seeing him on the floor almost overdosing, I think that this is a battle he will lose. this is more powerful then I will ever understand. I know that as soon as I leave the house he's thinking about it, I can sense, there may even be some in my house that I have not found and he's just waiting for the perfect time to use it when I won't notice, maybe he does it when I go to sleep at night and he says he can't sleep. I have no trust and I never feel safe.

Missyt6022

My husband even said that part of the reason he was able to go on so long is because I was pregnant and I had my own thing going on so when he was nice and told me to go take a nap it surely wasn't for my benefit, and things were going on right under my nose. I think one of the hardest parts for me to grasp is that I was giving birth with him by my side while he was on heroin, he was high while I was giving birth to our child. I don't know if I will ever be able to get past this.

Bekindalways

Ah Missy I so feel for you. I don't blame you for not wanting to know. Who wants to go through the kind of pain you are experiencing. When I broke up with my XmethBF, I even cried in my sleep.

I kind of think of the grieving we do at this time as the emotional equivalent of climbing Mount Everest without oxygen. Except you don't get any summit photos and the closest you get to admiring fans is here at Soberrecovery with those of us who have been through it.

zoso77

Yeah, in the thick of it, that's what we tell ourselves. Only it's not true.

None of us know what tomorrow will bring. None of us can tell you that your AH is going to be OK, and that somehow your marriage will survive this. But what we can tell you is there is hope for you.

Sometimes we paint ourselves into a corner with our thinking when we believe that the only way we can be healthy and happy is if one person is in our lives. And that's not really true...for we can love someone and miss someone, but ultimately acknowledge their presence in our lives is deleterious. And please understand that I speak from experience.

So do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children, but also allow yourself some hope. For there is always hope.

JOIE12

there are many more like you, like me, like us.

And at some point, we begin to live for ourselves again.
To survive, to use what we have learned, and go forward.

Forgiving ourselves.

teatreeoil007

Oh MIssy-I know this is so hard and what you needed during your pregnancy regardless of how unattractive you felt-was his support. Every pregnant woman has that need. But for some reason, some men don't do well in supporting their pregnant wives. It's sad, really. I didn't get as much support as I should have during my second pregnancy and my husband was not even an addict-he was busy and stressed out felt a lot of pressure to "do it all" : care for and provide for a family and a baby on the way. Sadly, he turned to other women to sort of give him the support he needed as I wasn't enough. I felt so rejected and it made me even more unattractive even though I am not an unattractive person and loved being pregnant. I was one of those women who loved being pregnant and felt so good having a baby growing inside me. Why couldn't he be more enthused and feel as good as I did? He wasn't the one carrying that baby around inside of him going through all the changes a woman goes through when she is pregnant. I eventually got over this problem in our marriage and just focused on myself and what I needed to do to be happy and fulfilled. I focused on taking care of myself. What else could I do? If he was going to be interested in other women when I was pregnant there wasn't much I could do about that. He was either going to full blown cheat or stay faithful. Some affairs are affairs of the heart and some include actual adultery. I am not saying I just no longer cared what HE did. I just got to the point in which I realized that not matter what HE did, I needed to find my happy place myself because it became starkly clear he wasn't going to make me happy. Only I could do that. This was hard and he wasn't addicted to a chemical substance, but he was addicted to "other" things. One day, I had made homemade muffins for his lunch hour and he often came home during lunch and I most always had something yummy ready and waiting for him to eat. He called me at the last minute and said he was having lunch with a female co-worker. I was so hurt and then I got really ANGRY about it. I won't go into details about the rest of it except to say I called up my very level headed best friend and told her about it. She was helpful, but that occurance caused a lot of resentment in me toward him and I just felt that what he was doing was SO unfair.

It's going to feel like life is very unfair for you right now at this time in your life. It sucks and sometimes we just don't know what we are going to do about it or how we are going to get through it. I had an epiphany, I guess you could say and I realized that I just had to focus on myself. It was all I could do...