Lovenjoy

my son has done well for quite some time. tonight he's high. i called him on it and all hell broke lose. does he really have to lose it all to get it? the hope got brighter and the trust was coming back. he has been picking up his life. he has been the beautiful person who lives behind the addiction. i am heartbroken.

i went to alanon before this happened tonight and for some reason i was thinking at least alcohol doesn't usually have the possibility of imminent death every time they use. i think i need naranon but that's harder to find.

he tried gaslighting me. it no longer works. he got enraged. i disengaged. he only gets this rage when he's high. i haven't seen it in a very long time. i know he wishes i would just go with the flow like i did when i was in denial. a part of me wishes i could too. it's not an option.

it is so fricken complicated. i can't have him in this home using. i can't pretend it's ok. i also can't destroy my granddaughter by making him leave which would mean the only sanity in her life, me, would no longer be there for her. these innocent beauties pay the highest price.

this is very hard to share.

i hate this disease.

chicory

my heart hurts for you, Lovenjoy. and for your son and granddaughter.

I pray that things get better. May your son see what he is doing to everyone, and make a new promise to his self to get clean.

I understand about your granddaughter. It would make me mad with sorrow and worry. You have to do what you feel is right.

prayers.

zoso77

This is what happens when you take your life back. And when the sh*t the addict used to pull doesn't work anymore, the addict acts out. Transparent and predictable, isn't it?

MamaCas

You are so right, Lovenjoy...the innocents pay the highest price! I'm very sorry you are going through this.

Twofish

Lovenjoy, I'm so sorry this happened to you after such a long period of sobriety your son had. It's a relapse, a mistake and it happened. I think all us mommas fear this will happen to our recovering children some day. I know I feel this fear, a silent second of fear when I see my RADs walk in the room. It's unpredictable and scary.
Well, he broke a boundary, a serious one and you need to take this very seriously and give him the consequences of his actions. Only you know what that will be.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers, as well as your son and granddaughter. Time to start over at day one. Day one for you too but don't beat yourself up. Heal your pain and keep that joy close to your heart. Stay strong.
Bless the innocent ones who love the addict.
TF

Lovenjoy

so true zoso, the addict is acting out. i compared it to being a toddler with my therapist this morning. today the addict is not speaking an all angry because i accused him of something he wasn't doing. it just amazes me that he doesn't know that he turns into a different person entirely. it's not just the eyes. it's his voice and his whole persona. how could i ever have not known? well i knew, just didn't know what it was.

now i know what he is dealing with and i have educated myself so much and i have compassion but not pity. and it doesn't make one iota of difference. i don't care why he uses anymore. that's his to work out. i do still care about why he keeps choosing to go back. you can see how much happier and productive and engaged he is when he works recovery. he's miserable when he uses. how can the pain of using be so seductive?

if love could cure this none of us would be here.

Lovenjoy

thanks twofish, we posted at the same time. he's had too many day ones for me to keep supporting him. i'll never stop loving him. he has amazing support, not just me. when is enough enough? the support doesn't seem to help.

i've handed all of us to my higher power today and will listen hard about my next move.

thanks for your kindness mama and chic!

Ann

I'm sorry this happened, Lovenjoy, I know the pain of watching them fall back after being clean. Hopes dashed and chaos returns.

One thing you might want to do is speak to your lawyer and check out your rights with your granddaughter, and document what you see or hear with your son. That way if the day comes that you have to fight for her, you will have documented evidence that she is better off with you.

In the meantime I keep you all in my prayers, I hope he learns from this and embraces sobriety once again soon.

Hugs

bookreader

We all hate this disease. What you decide to do will not be easy - what is ever easy - protect yourself, you grand child, and believe that you are doing the right thing.
be strong -
b.