It's been a long year
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
It's been a long year
Dear SR friends,
I've been quiet for awhile, reading and listening. I thought for those that remember what happened to my daughters and my family, I'd give you all an update...
A year or so ago I found out the truth about my two ADs, yes they were addicts and in great trouble and pain. I thought it was me, I wasn't being a very good mom, something I learned from here...that it wasn't me...I didn't cause their addictions and I couldn't fix their addictions.
I rode that roller coaster ride for many many months before I learned how to get off of it. The gallons of tears and the guilt and that maddening craziness almost took my sanity away. The stealing, and the lies and that strong manipulation my daughters did to me, and I allowed it, went on and on until one day a SR member dried my eyes, took my hand, hugged my heart and told me I wasn't alone and that I needed to take care of myself first and foremost and this is how it started.
I stopped blaming myself for all their problems, I was a GOOD mom, I never forced them to steal, lie and take opiates. I then dried my tears of guilt and went to a Friends and Family of Addicted Family members group, I walked in ashamed and thinking that I felt judged. But, that didn't happen. All the parents there were just like me, feeling lost and alone. This face to face meetings became a Godsend to me, I go every Tuesday, never missing, the support was like a heavy guilt was lifted from my heavy heart. I wasn't alone anymore. These moms and dads were feeling just like I was.
I then found a counselor, well a few before I found the right one.
I then started taking care of ME. I started eating better, tried to sleep more finally left my house not caring anymore about the judgmental people who I thought were looking at me and talking about my daughters. Addiction really does affect the whole family, but I stopped giving excuses, stopped the worrying and stopped that constant need to fix all their problems. Instead I put up boundaries in my home, stopped paying for their cellphones, clothes, food car needs etc.
My rules not theirs.
My daughters finally decided that sobriety was much better than living on the street, homeless and cold, tired of the constant need for the next "high" that only made them feel "normal" for a short time before the withdrawals started again.
One RAD went thru detox and IOP, the other went the Methadone then Suboxone route. Are they sober, I hope so, will they relapse, maybe...but I now know that their addiction is their addiction, not mine, i no longer am addicted to their addiction.
They have learned many tools to honor their sobriety and I'm praying for them each and every night that they use these tools, precious tools...
Do I still worry? Of course I will always worry and care for them, but I won't ever get obsessed like I was before I accepted that there are things that I cannot change. The love never changed, but the way I looked at addiction did.
Mothers and daughters have a special bond but when addiction shows it's ugly face, that bond starts to crack. But, it can be patched and a relationship can be rescued back.
What I'm trying to say is that I never gave up hope, I kept that joy close to my heart. My children are part of that joy.
To those mommas whose tears are flowing and they feel so sad and so lost...you are not alone in this battle, this war. Please accept support, please take care of yourselves and please keep that hope alive. Keep your joy close.
Thank you to my SR family for supporting me and continuing to support me. A tear does escape my eyes still and that worry enters my heart but now I know where I can turn to...someone will walk that walk, hold my hand and remind me of those tools. I will take care of me first.
Fondly and much appreciated,
TF
I've been quiet for awhile, reading and listening. I thought for those that remember what happened to my daughters and my family, I'd give you all an update...
A year or so ago I found out the truth about my two ADs, yes they were addicts and in great trouble and pain. I thought it was me, I wasn't being a very good mom, something I learned from here...that it wasn't me...I didn't cause their addictions and I couldn't fix their addictions.
I rode that roller coaster ride for many many months before I learned how to get off of it. The gallons of tears and the guilt and that maddening craziness almost took my sanity away. The stealing, and the lies and that strong manipulation my daughters did to me, and I allowed it, went on and on until one day a SR member dried my eyes, took my hand, hugged my heart and told me I wasn't alone and that I needed to take care of myself first and foremost and this is how it started.
I stopped blaming myself for all their problems, I was a GOOD mom, I never forced them to steal, lie and take opiates. I then dried my tears of guilt and went to a Friends and Family of Addicted Family members group, I walked in ashamed and thinking that I felt judged. But, that didn't happen. All the parents there were just like me, feeling lost and alone. This face to face meetings became a Godsend to me, I go every Tuesday, never missing, the support was like a heavy guilt was lifted from my heavy heart. I wasn't alone anymore. These moms and dads were feeling just like I was.
I then found a counselor, well a few before I found the right one.
I then started taking care of ME. I started eating better, tried to sleep more finally left my house not caring anymore about the judgmental people who I thought were looking at me and talking about my daughters. Addiction really does affect the whole family, but I stopped giving excuses, stopped the worrying and stopped that constant need to fix all their problems. Instead I put up boundaries in my home, stopped paying for their cellphones, clothes, food car needs etc.
My rules not theirs.
My daughters finally decided that sobriety was much better than living on the street, homeless and cold, tired of the constant need for the next "high" that only made them feel "normal" for a short time before the withdrawals started again.
One RAD went thru detox and IOP, the other went the Methadone then Suboxone route. Are they sober, I hope so, will they relapse, maybe...but I now know that their addiction is their addiction, not mine, i no longer am addicted to their addiction.
They have learned many tools to honor their sobriety and I'm praying for them each and every night that they use these tools, precious tools...
Do I still worry? Of course I will always worry and care for them, but I won't ever get obsessed like I was before I accepted that there are things that I cannot change. The love never changed, but the way I looked at addiction did.
Mothers and daughters have a special bond but when addiction shows it's ugly face, that bond starts to crack. But, it can be patched and a relationship can be rescued back.
What I'm trying to say is that I never gave up hope, I kept that joy close to my heart. My children are part of that joy.
To those mommas whose tears are flowing and they feel so sad and so lost...you are not alone in this battle, this war. Please accept support, please take care of yourselves and please keep that hope alive. Keep your joy close.
Thank you to my SR family for supporting me and continuing to support me. A tear does escape my eyes still and that worry enters my heart but now I know where I can turn to...someone will walk that walk, hold my hand and remind me of those tools. I will take care of me first.
Fondly and much appreciated,
TF
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Twofish, I remember how hard all this was for you and I am so proud of you because you have come so far in your recovery. It's not easy escaping a life of fear and shame and chaos, but you did it with grace.
I am so happy your daughters are doing well too. Maybe they learned well from their mama.
It's so good to hear an happy story. May life continue to bring you many blessings.
Hugs
I am so happy your daughters are doing well too. Maybe they learned well from their mama.
It's so good to hear an happy story. May life continue to bring you many blessings.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Twofish, It has been a very long year for you but you have certainly made amazing strides! To me you are a wonderful example of what can happen when you reach out for support, filter out the negative and cling to the positive and keep working on you. I'm so glad you found face to face support and a counselor who really clicks.
I know it was addiction that brought you to this point, and none of us want to be impacted by it, but the new, healthier, more at peace TwoFish is something to be grateful for! Thanks for sharing your wonderful story and all the best for continued progress for you and your daughters!
I know it was addiction that brought you to this point, and none of us want to be impacted by it, but the new, healthier, more at peace TwoFish is something to be grateful for! Thanks for sharing your wonderful story and all the best for continued progress for you and your daughters!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Fandy,
Yes you are correct that the older daughter is now 18weeks pregnant. She just found out recently. The Dr. put her on Subatex and assured her this will be safe and prevent her uterus from contracting and miscarriage. Who knows, but as nurses we see too much and know too little. I have trust in her OB that he knows best. More than I do. So I have to have trust. She is due January, 20, 2015.
She is slowly gaining weight. The ultrasounds look excellent, 10 fingers and toes and no anomalies. Blood tests look good too. So I pray, this baby is in Gods capable and loving hands.
My son is great. He is aware of his sisters addictions and locks up his Concerta, just in case, don't want to tempt temptation, right? I did take him to alateen, but it didn't work out. So off to a counselor he goes. He can speak freely to him. That good f2f is a blessing!
Thanks for asking Fandy, I know I have frustrated you in the past, but my denial is lifted and I DO appreciate your support!
TF
Yes you are correct that the older daughter is now 18weeks pregnant. She just found out recently. The Dr. put her on Subatex and assured her this will be safe and prevent her uterus from contracting and miscarriage. Who knows, but as nurses we see too much and know too little. I have trust in her OB that he knows best. More than I do. So I have to have trust. She is due January, 20, 2015.
She is slowly gaining weight. The ultrasounds look excellent, 10 fingers and toes and no anomalies. Blood tests look good too. So I pray, this baby is in Gods capable and loving hands.
My son is great. He is aware of his sisters addictions and locks up his Concerta, just in case, don't want to tempt temptation, right? I did take him to alateen, but it didn't work out. So off to a counselor he goes. He can speak freely to him. That good f2f is a blessing!
Thanks for asking Fandy, I know I have frustrated you in the past, but my denial is lifted and I DO appreciate your support!
TF
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Twofish,
Its so good to see you post here again. I think you sound very good
I know its been a long year, and as a mom you have been put through so much. But Im happy you have found your way.. your path... happy your girls are doing well in their respective recoveries... and your son is also able to talk through this whole experience with a therapist. You have always been a good mom Twofish... and now soon you will be a Grandma I hope this is a beautiful experience for your daughter and solidifies her recovery. Prayers going ^^^ for all of you; thank you for an official update.
Its so good to see you post here again. I think you sound very good
I know its been a long year, and as a mom you have been put through so much. But Im happy you have found your way.. your path... happy your girls are doing well in their respective recoveries... and your son is also able to talk through this whole experience with a therapist. You have always been a good mom Twofish... and now soon you will be a Grandma I hope this is a beautiful experience for your daughter and solidifies her recovery. Prayers going ^^^ for all of you; thank you for an official update.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Twofish.....I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear you in such a positive place. You are obviously such a caring person and deserve some peace in your life! Glad things are going well for all of you, and so glad to see you back here at SR.
Life is a learning process. We all have to find what works in our situations a little at a time. Keep on moving forward in peace and happiness!
Tight Hugs!!!
Life is a learning process. We all have to find what works in our situations a little at a time. Keep on moving forward in peace and happiness!
Tight Hugs!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear SR family,
Thank you, all of you for reading this thread, I feel happy that I have support and friends that I can turn to, even new friends that I meet here each day.
I'm not fooled by this time of peace and sobriety! I know that at any second the face of addiction can pop out and rob my children of all the hard work they have done so far. I also realize if that happens, it's my children's addiction not my Codie tendencies that they have to address and fix. Im not sitting on eggshells waiting for it to happen, but i will go about my day working on myself. It will be a lifelong threat, but with the tools and the desire to be sober that threat may remain asleep, hopefully for a very long sleep, a forever sleep!
So I will continue to live my life and smile at times, work on my end of addiction and stand by and be available if a relapse creeps on in.
If anyone who does believe in a higher power, greater than ourselves, would you please include my ADs and especially this tiny unborn boy in your prayers...I would be so grateful. This child will need all the support and love he can get his tiny fingers on.
I will keep you posted!
TF
Thank you, all of you for reading this thread, I feel happy that I have support and friends that I can turn to, even new friends that I meet here each day.
I'm not fooled by this time of peace and sobriety! I know that at any second the face of addiction can pop out and rob my children of all the hard work they have done so far. I also realize if that happens, it's my children's addiction not my Codie tendencies that they have to address and fix. Im not sitting on eggshells waiting for it to happen, but i will go about my day working on myself. It will be a lifelong threat, but with the tools and the desire to be sober that threat may remain asleep, hopefully for a very long sleep, a forever sleep!
So I will continue to live my life and smile at times, work on my end of addiction and stand by and be available if a relapse creeps on in.
If anyone who does believe in a higher power, greater than ourselves, would you please include my ADs and especially this tiny unborn boy in your prayers...I would be so grateful. This child will need all the support and love he can get his tiny fingers on.
I will keep you posted!
TF
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Good to hear from you TwoFish! Thanks for the update, it's good to hear that you are getting through this. You sound so much stronger. Keep working on yourself, it's clear that you and your daughters are both doing what you can to make life better. Thanks again for posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi TF,
Thank you for coming back and giving us an update. I'm so happy that you find yourself in a better place and that you are moving forward with your own recovery. I'm sure that your story will help others in their journey as well. Wishing you and your family the very best.
Thank you for coming back and giving us an update. I'm so happy that you find yourself in a better place and that you are moving forward with your own recovery. I'm sure that your story will help others in their journey as well. Wishing you and your family the very best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hello SR,
My son, younger daughter and I are leaving in the morning to drive to MN is attend the marriage of my beloved older RAD to her very much cared for fiancé. They decided to marry early for the tiny baby yet to be born. I think they are making the right decision.
Once my daughter holds this baby in her arms for the first time (remember mommas?) the love will flood her heart and I have hope that her recovery will be as strong and as solid as the love she will feel at that very moment she looks down at her newborn son.
Bless the addict that is hurting, yet trying to be strong in their recovery...
TF
My son, younger daughter and I are leaving in the morning to drive to MN is attend the marriage of my beloved older RAD to her very much cared for fiancé. They decided to marry early for the tiny baby yet to be born. I think they are making the right decision.
Once my daughter holds this baby in her arms for the first time (remember mommas?) the love will flood her heart and I have hope that her recovery will be as strong and as solid as the love she will feel at that very moment she looks down at her newborn son.
Bless the addict that is hurting, yet trying to be strong in their recovery...
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hey SR,
I'm up here in MN, it's been a long drive and day. Everything is good to go for the civil ceremony on Monday.
I'm alone with my thoughts right now. I'm sad and bittersweet because I'm giving up that little girl I raised to a man who loves her and a baby that needs her. So, what's wrong?
I'm scared because I feel like when I first found out she was an addict, those feelings, painful, harsh, stabbing at my heart. Addiction stole that little girl from us once and I had to stop giving excuses and let her work for her sobriety and fix herself. My Codie tendencies are in overdrive. I hate what addiction does to a family, this disease will be around forever and she must also keep that close to her heart.
I won't let her see me like this, it's gonna be her day, a happy family day filled with smiles and sweet sobriety.
This is why I love SR so much. I can tell you my brutally honest thoughts and trust in you for the support I need. Maybe this is a fleeting moment, a fear of the unknown that has held me captive for what feels like an eternity. Will this broken feeling ever get easier? Well, she is sober today, that is all that I need to know. Perhaps more than other mommas know?
I'm gonna dry my eyes now and breathe. My little girl (RAD, adult daughter, I know) is getting married, I'm gonna be happy for them and I'm gonna keep that demon in the garbage can.
Thanks again for the ear and for helping me understand that addiction is here to stay but I'm just gonna put it to sleep for as long as possible. With the tools we have learned.
Good night SR
TF
I'm up here in MN, it's been a long drive and day. Everything is good to go for the civil ceremony on Monday.
I'm alone with my thoughts right now. I'm sad and bittersweet because I'm giving up that little girl I raised to a man who loves her and a baby that needs her. So, what's wrong?
I'm scared because I feel like when I first found out she was an addict, those feelings, painful, harsh, stabbing at my heart. Addiction stole that little girl from us once and I had to stop giving excuses and let her work for her sobriety and fix herself. My Codie tendencies are in overdrive. I hate what addiction does to a family, this disease will be around forever and she must also keep that close to her heart.
I won't let her see me like this, it's gonna be her day, a happy family day filled with smiles and sweet sobriety.
This is why I love SR so much. I can tell you my brutally honest thoughts and trust in you for the support I need. Maybe this is a fleeting moment, a fear of the unknown that has held me captive for what feels like an eternity. Will this broken feeling ever get easier? Well, she is sober today, that is all that I need to know. Perhaps more than other mommas know?
I'm gonna dry my eyes now and breathe. My little girl (RAD, adult daughter, I know) is getting married, I'm gonna be happy for them and I'm gonna keep that demon in the garbage can.
Thanks again for the ear and for helping me understand that addiction is here to stay but I'm just gonna put it to sleep for as long as possible. With the tools we have learned.
Good night SR
TF
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Twofish...I remember the threads of desperation! Around the same time, I felt the same way. Now you outlook is different and more balanced...you are making decisions for you. "Let go and let God" has been my motto.
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