To anyone who will listen...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2
To anyone who will listen...
I apologize in advance if I ramble or if something doesn't make sense. I'm new to SR.
Well, I guess I should start by explaining that I am in love with an addict. We have been together for almost 3 years and I moved in with him in August of 2013. When I tell you that from August of 2013 to present has been a struggle, I mean it's been a STRUGGLE. I started to see who he truly was, an opiate abuser. He will take anything from Percocet to Vicodin and I've even heard of Dilaudids. He will take anything, do anything, that will create that high for him. I have never been a drug user. I've never even had the curiousity to try drugs. I can't put myself into his shoes to understand. I've read EVERYTHING there is online including forums, wikiepedia, you name it and I read it. I've educated myself about the disease. I've done everything, including leaving.
The reason I feel lost now will take us back to a few weeks ago. I had found out that my boyfriend had contacted a family member of his (yes, a family member!) for crack. At the moment I found out, I called him. And called him. And called him some more, only to be ignored. I texted. I was reacting in the biggest and worst way possible. I didn't even speak to him and here I was, packing my belongings and I left. I kept telling myself that this was it. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I swore that I deserved better and that I didn't have to suffer for his actions and his disease. But then, there were the promises. The promises that he never smoked crack, that he told his family member he didn't want it, that he didn't even know why he asked for it in the first place. The promises that he's going to quit and that things will be better. The promises that I matter to him more than anything and he will do anything not to lose me. So despite how many people told me not to, I moved back in. Things were ok, for a week. Last night, I went home to an over-energized man vacuuming, sweeping the bathroom floor and cleaning out the fish tanks. In normal circumstances, this would make any woman swoon. But no, not me. For me, it meant a red flag. The only time I witness him have such a burst of energy is when he's high. He will take opiates and shovel snow for miles, I've seen it. He can do anything when he's high. So, I held my tounge for just a moment. I waited until I can look into his eyes and when I did, they were constricted. Another tell-tale sign of use. Then, I freaked. I went ballistic. I accused, I yelled, I was angry. I demanded a drug test and he turned it around on me and stated that I'm treating him like a child. He swore up and down he wasn't high, hasn't been high since last week. Every fiber of my being wanted to believe him but I knew deep down, he had to be lying. How could I see the signs and ignore them? But I felt like I was yelling at a brick wall. He denied, denied, denied and I accused, accused, accused.
I want nothing more than to trust him, to believe him. And there is so much more to this story than I can even explain. There has been lies, heartache, pain and love. I know you can not cure an addict with love. I KNOW deep in my heart that I should leave. I am not a stupid woman and I know what is best for me and yet, I stay. I'm hoping and praying for better days and better days aren't coming. I want to detach, I want to be happy. I want so many things, including him. I am addicted to my addict and I just want to let go.
Well, I guess I should start by explaining that I am in love with an addict. We have been together for almost 3 years and I moved in with him in August of 2013. When I tell you that from August of 2013 to present has been a struggle, I mean it's been a STRUGGLE. I started to see who he truly was, an opiate abuser. He will take anything from Percocet to Vicodin and I've even heard of Dilaudids. He will take anything, do anything, that will create that high for him. I have never been a drug user. I've never even had the curiousity to try drugs. I can't put myself into his shoes to understand. I've read EVERYTHING there is online including forums, wikiepedia, you name it and I read it. I've educated myself about the disease. I've done everything, including leaving.
The reason I feel lost now will take us back to a few weeks ago. I had found out that my boyfriend had contacted a family member of his (yes, a family member!) for crack. At the moment I found out, I called him. And called him. And called him some more, only to be ignored. I texted. I was reacting in the biggest and worst way possible. I didn't even speak to him and here I was, packing my belongings and I left. I kept telling myself that this was it. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I swore that I deserved better and that I didn't have to suffer for his actions and his disease. But then, there were the promises. The promises that he never smoked crack, that he told his family member he didn't want it, that he didn't even know why he asked for it in the first place. The promises that he's going to quit and that things will be better. The promises that I matter to him more than anything and he will do anything not to lose me. So despite how many people told me not to, I moved back in. Things were ok, for a week. Last night, I went home to an over-energized man vacuuming, sweeping the bathroom floor and cleaning out the fish tanks. In normal circumstances, this would make any woman swoon. But no, not me. For me, it meant a red flag. The only time I witness him have such a burst of energy is when he's high. He will take opiates and shovel snow for miles, I've seen it. He can do anything when he's high. So, I held my tounge for just a moment. I waited until I can look into his eyes and when I did, they were constricted. Another tell-tale sign of use. Then, I freaked. I went ballistic. I accused, I yelled, I was angry. I demanded a drug test and he turned it around on me and stated that I'm treating him like a child. He swore up and down he wasn't high, hasn't been high since last week. Every fiber of my being wanted to believe him but I knew deep down, he had to be lying. How could I see the signs and ignore them? But I felt like I was yelling at a brick wall. He denied, denied, denied and I accused, accused, accused.
I want nothing more than to trust him, to believe him. And there is so much more to this story than I can even explain. There has been lies, heartache, pain and love. I know you can not cure an addict with love. I KNOW deep in my heart that I should leave. I am not a stupid woman and I know what is best for me and yet, I stay. I'm hoping and praying for better days and better days aren't coming. I want to detach, I want to be happy. I want so many things, including him. I am addicted to my addict and I just want to let go.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. You came to the right place and I'm glad you found us.
You come to us with your instincts telling you all the right things. So the question becomes simple: are you going to pay attention to those instincts?
A lot of people struggle with that answer because ultimately their hearts get in the way. What you will have to come to understand, on your own time and schedule, is just because you love someone doesn't mean you're obligated to go down in flames with them.
In my experience, when people are afraid to let go of the addict, what's behind that fear is not wanting to feel the pain of separation...the pain of losing someone we love. What I can tell you is as awful as that pain is, it is preferable to continuing to stay attacted to a sick person. There are times that we have to do what is necessary, and what is necessary is often not what we want in our hearts.
My hope for you is you find the strength and the courage to do what is necessary to protect yourself. And we'll be here to help you with that.
ZoSo
You come to us with your instincts telling you all the right things. So the question becomes simple: are you going to pay attention to those instincts?
A lot of people struggle with that answer because ultimately their hearts get in the way. What you will have to come to understand, on your own time and schedule, is just because you love someone doesn't mean you're obligated to go down in flames with them.
In my experience, when people are afraid to let go of the addict, what's behind that fear is not wanting to feel the pain of separation...the pain of losing someone we love. What I can tell you is as awful as that pain is, it is preferable to continuing to stay attacted to a sick person. There are times that we have to do what is necessary, and what is necessary is often not what we want in our hearts.
My hope for you is you find the strength and the courage to do what is necessary to protect yourself. And we'll be here to help you with that.
ZoSo
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,912
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.
Many times, we become as addicted to our addict as our addict is addicted to their drug. Also, the only way we can break that addiction is when we have had enough. When we just cannot live one more day the way we are living. It's just like the addict. They have to want recovery more than anything and be willing to do whatever it takes to get it.
When you have had enough, you will be able to let go.
Many times, we become as addicted to our addict as our addict is addicted to their drug. Also, the only way we can break that addiction is when we have had enough. When we just cannot live one more day the way we are living. It's just like the addict. They have to want recovery more than anything and be willing to do whatever it takes to get it.
When you have had enough, you will be able to let go.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
I am trying to get out of a relationship with an addict. I can relate a bit. I went through periods where it felt like my soul was being killed, where the heaviness in my heart was just murder--I couldn't even relate to the people around me, had trouble feeling love for anyone else, it was like the death of hope.
I'm doing much better the last few days--I took some steps towards resolving some of my own issues (medical, financial) and I got a reprieve from contact with my bf. Once I had time to think and do a few things that made me feel better, I realized this: the anxiety the situation with my bf was causing me was making me not myself. I will do anything to feel like myself again. That's it.
I believe there is happiness for you in your future if you keep making changes and see what works. You will get there. Keep trying to stay in life. I think eventually letting go will get easier...
I'm doing much better the last few days--I took some steps towards resolving some of my own issues (medical, financial) and I got a reprieve from contact with my bf. Once I had time to think and do a few things that made me feel better, I realized this: the anxiety the situation with my bf was causing me was making me not myself. I will do anything to feel like myself again. That's it.
I believe there is happiness for you in your future if you keep making changes and see what works. You will get there. Keep trying to stay in life. I think eventually letting go will get easier...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 4
Thank you for being brave enough to post about your situation. I'm struggling with the relapse on an exbf, and I have a lot of empathy for where you are right now. Hopefully you can get a little distance from your BF be it moving out, asking him to move out, going somewhere for a night, or even going somewhere for a day. I'm finding, slowly, ever so slowly, that distance is what's helping me. I've also been reading the forum posts and going to meetings--perhaps there are AlAnon meetings where you live? Or if you're religious, a church or clergy person? Friends help as well. And though being alone too much can be detrimental, perhaps trying to love yourself through meditation and/or exercise or writing in a journal?
I hear you when you say, "I want nothing more than to trust him, to believe him." But you need to trust your gut. More than anything, it will tell you--and from your post, it has told you, what's happening. What I also hear is a deep yearning to trust someone, to believe someone. Trust his actions, you know what he's doing. Addiction is a destroyer of love and faith, true love and faith. I hope, for you, that you are able to find peace, and I believe that someday you will find a man who is WORTHY of your trust and belief. I read somewhere that when we don't say goodbye to what we know/who we know is not good for us, we're turning away all the lovers/boyfriends/husband/loves that want to know us. You will come through the other side, and as trite as it sounds, you'll be stronger. You CAN do this. Hugs.
I hear you when you say, "I want nothing more than to trust him, to believe him." But you need to trust your gut. More than anything, it will tell you--and from your post, it has told you, what's happening. What I also hear is a deep yearning to trust someone, to believe someone. Trust his actions, you know what he's doing. Addiction is a destroyer of love and faith, true love and faith. I hope, for you, that you are able to find peace, and I believe that someday you will find a man who is WORTHY of your trust and belief. I read somewhere that when we don't say goodbye to what we know/who we know is not good for us, we're turning away all the lovers/boyfriends/husband/loves that want to know us. You will come through the other side, and as trite as it sounds, you'll be stronger. You CAN do this. Hugs.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I want nothing more than to trust him, to believe him. And there is so much more to this story than I can even explain. There has been lies, heartache, pain and love. I know you can not cure an addict with love. I KNOW deep in my heart that I should leave. I am not a stupid woman and I know what is best for me and yet, I stay. I'm hoping and praying for better days and better days aren't coming. I want to detach, I want to be happy. I want so many things, including him. I am addicted to my addict and I just want to let go.
Meetings literally saved my life. Maybe find some near you and give them a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
We are here for you. It sounds like you are very aware of the signs... some people are not so much.
Trust yourself, take care of yourself, and find support.. the groups mentioned above are very good. I am searching for a meeting close to me, as I know in my heart that it will make all the difference for me. I have seen it help so many here.
take care of you!
Trust yourself, take care of yourself, and find support.. the groups mentioned above are very good. I am searching for a meeting close to me, as I know in my heart that it will make all the difference for me. I have seen it help so many here.
take care of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2
I appreciate every single one of you that has taken the time to read my story and to support me. I've attended a few Al-Anon meeetings in the past with my sister, due to our alcoholic mother. I never thought I'd be back at the point where I'd have to attend the meetings again for a different situation. I found one Nar-Anon meeting in my area and I do plan on attending.
As of yesterday, I made a promise to myself to work on moving forward. Although I don't plan on leaving just yet, I promised myself that I will do the things that make me happy and I will not let his disease interefere with my right to enjoy life. I will no longer worry or stress over something I can not control.
If there is any silver lining at all, it's that him and I don't share finances. Our money is seperate, always has been. Even though we live together, I know that if I had to leave then my mother will be a safe haven for me until I can get back on to my feet. I'd be losing a lot but I know I'll be ok in the end. Positive thoughts from here on out and once I attend the meetings, I don't think there will be anything stopping me. Again, thank you all for your support and concern. I couldn't be any more grateful for stumbling upon a forum like this with such great people.
As of yesterday, I made a promise to myself to work on moving forward. Although I don't plan on leaving just yet, I promised myself that I will do the things that make me happy and I will not let his disease interefere with my right to enjoy life. I will no longer worry or stress over something I can not control.
If there is any silver lining at all, it's that him and I don't share finances. Our money is seperate, always has been. Even though we live together, I know that if I had to leave then my mother will be a safe haven for me until I can get back on to my feet. I'd be losing a lot but I know I'll be ok in the end. Positive thoughts from here on out and once I attend the meetings, I don't think there will be anything stopping me. Again, thank you all for your support and concern. I couldn't be any more grateful for stumbling upon a forum like this with such great people.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 43
htig,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can completely relate, fortunately or unfortunately! The people on here are amazing and have helped me so much!
There isn't really anything I can add to the great words others have said so far, but I can definitely send hugs your way!
Keep taking care of yourself, it will get better.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can completely relate, fortunately or unfortunately! The people on here are amazing and have helped me so much!
There isn't really anything I can add to the great words others have said so far, but I can definitely send hugs your way!
Keep taking care of yourself, it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
HI Htig. Sorry I am late chiming in here. MY addict is my son and everything you write beings back memories of how he was when high, doing laundry and folding neatly till 6am, cleaning, walking for miles, etc. Our guts never fail us.
Please do what you can for yourself. You do not have to make your decision in a day but taking steps in the right direction (like going to a meeting-kudos to you) will help. I have found when you are ready, when you have had enough or your BF decides to get the help he needs you will make that decision. I hope you continue to come and post and also up top of this forum are some stickies with lots of useful information!
Please do what you can for yourself. You do not have to make your decision in a day but taking steps in the right direction (like going to a meeting-kudos to you) will help. I have found when you are ready, when you have had enough or your BF decides to get the help he needs you will make that decision. I hope you continue to come and post and also up top of this forum are some stickies with lots of useful information!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15
I can so relate to you. This happened the other day with me! My daughters father is a "recovering" alcoholic and addict. He recently relapsed for what seems like the millionth time and he was even in sober living. He had only relapsed before with drinking but this time he got his hands on opiates and I just KNEW it by looking in his eyes and seeing the tiniest pupils. He swore up and down that he was sober but I knew he wasn't. (he even admits to me while he is sober that NOTHING can get past me and I seem to always know when he is using) The 2nd night after sober living I found him up at 5 am cleaning and reorganizing his whole room. Thank god he went back to the sober living house last night. I feel myself really struggling as to whether or not I should give my notice at our apartment and move into a 1 bedroom for myself and our 8 month old baby (which financially, seems nearly impossible) or if I should go along with his recovery, step back, work on myself, and HOPE for the best.
My other fear is that he will end up so detached from me and our situation when he is sober and leave me. I don't want to be the one left.
My other fear is that he will end up so detached from me and our situation when he is sober and leave me. I don't want to be the one left.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tennessee,USA
Posts: 94
My dh is also an addict. We've been together forever. If I have one piece of advice it would be to leave now,before you get married and have children with him. I have wished I had done the same a million times.
No matter how much my husband swears he's not had a thing, if he can go through the day and act normal,you better believe he's had his pills.
It's when he's out when all hell breaks loose. He was in a terrible motorcycle accident eight years ago. His dr started prescribing hydrocodone.He has also been on the opiates. The opiates were worser than the hydros for him.
Unless your bf wants to quit,this will never go away.Right now I have my husbands meds put up. He doesn't have the control to keep his medicine. A script of 120 would be gone in less than two weeks. He would then be buying off the street until his next refill. We could be behind on bills and low on groceries. That wouldn't matter to him,he would still be wanting to spend what money we had on pills.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I never thought a substance could be so controlling. If they are addicted enough,they will chase after it like a new lover.
No matter how much my husband swears he's not had a thing, if he can go through the day and act normal,you better believe he's had his pills.
It's when he's out when all hell breaks loose. He was in a terrible motorcycle accident eight years ago. His dr started prescribing hydrocodone.He has also been on the opiates. The opiates were worser than the hydros for him.
Unless your bf wants to quit,this will never go away.Right now I have my husbands meds put up. He doesn't have the control to keep his medicine. A script of 120 would be gone in less than two weeks. He would then be buying off the street until his next refill. We could be behind on bills and low on groceries. That wouldn't matter to him,he would still be wanting to spend what money we had on pills.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I never thought a substance could be so controlling. If they are addicted enough,they will chase after it like a new lover.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR. Its heartbreaking to see someone you love make such horrible choices. I think its great you plan to go to meetings. I can only say that meetings, along with counseling, helped me see that im a strong enough person to make the right decisions in my life. You too will come to a point where it clicks for you, one way or another. Until then, keep working on you. Remember the three C's, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. You cannot control.anyones actions, but you can control your reactions. Im glad you are here and hope you come back, SR is a wonderful tool.
God Bless!
God Bless!
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