I kicked him out...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
I kicked him out...
I kicked hiim out tonight. I dont know the little abreviation for it, but he is my Addicted Fiance.
It has been a while since I've posted. I think the last time I posted I was going insane because I KNEW he was using, but he was still denying it. Everyone told me I should give hiim a drug test. I DID. On Christmas Eve. It was positive for heroin (his DOC) and pcp (i have no idea about that). Of course he had an excuse for it... he'd taken a few subutex just that day. He told me they cause a positive drug test and to look it up online. He'd done his research. I knew it was wierd why he insisted on keeping a few of those "just in case." I wanted to believe him, so we had a nice Christmas Eve and I was excited to see all the Christmas presents he'd been spending so much money on. Nothing. Not one present...not for me, his parents, anyone.
I flipped out on him Christmas night--crying, screaming, begging, pleading. He admited that he was using again. I told him I appreciated his honesty and we would try again. I went with him to the VA (he's an ex-marine) the next morning and sat with him while he signed up for their outpatient methadone detox program.
In the meantime, I'd cut him off financially. I told him I wasn't buying him cigarettes, gas, anything. There was food in the house he could eat and other than that, I wasnt doing it anymore. Everything was going really well for a while. He was being very responsible and setting his alarm and getting up (even before I was up a lot of the time) and going for his treatments. He was also still going to frequent NA meetings. He lost his job the last time he had to go to rehab, so he was working hard to find a new job and helping his dad do construction work in the meantime. His addict behavior started up again this week.
He started appearing with packs of cigarettes that I never gave him money for. He would tell me his dad gave him $5 or the guy at the store told him he could pay later, etc. Either way, I just knew something was up. His appointments at the VA started taking longer--he'd be gone for hours at a time and always have some excuse. He stopped going to NA meetings and he stopped answering phone calls from his sponser.
Yesterday he had a job interview. He took my atm card out of my purse in the morning before I woke up. He said he needed it to pick up his dry cleaning. I never told him he could take it. I had no other money or cash so I asked him to please meet me for lunch so I'd be able to eat. Well he shows up 2 hours after my lunch hour with some story about being pulled over and having his truck searched. And the reason his truck was searched was because the cop was training someone. YEA RIGHT. I also noticed he withdrew $40 from my bank account. He tells me he needed to pay the parking at his interview and he has all the change. I come home and he hands me $35. Whatever, I dont believe him, but I just ignore it.
Today he is acting weird. Another super long trip to the VA. His throat is all hoarse and he can barely talk. He is also taking very frequent and looooong trips to the bathroom. I start to think about it. This is my theory: he goes to the interview, uses my atm card to pull out $40 (surprisingly the same amount it costs him to buy heroin), goes to the other side of town and buys, gets pulled over, swallows the drugs (this would explain the horase voice from trying to throw them back up and the frequent trips to the bathroom--there was an open bottle of laxatives in the bathroom), cops cant find anything since he swallowed it, he gets off with a window tint ticket.
After another one of his frequent trips to the bathroom, I ask him to see the ticket. He shows it to me. The city and the street where he was pulled over are no where near where he said he was. He was on the other side of town basically right where he's admitted he buys drugs from.
I told him he was a liar and to get out.
I called his parents to tell them I've kicked him out. His dad tells me that they took thier house key away from him today because they found out he's been stealing money from the house. He also tells me that he's paid him $260 in cash for working with him over the last few weeks. I've seen $60 of it.
Right now he keeps calling me crying and telling me that he is clean, he swears, he say I can even go with him to the VA tomorrow and they confirm that he's been there everyday and passed all their drug tests. He is begging to come home and for me to not give up on him. I told him to stay at his parents house. Here I sit.
To be honest, I dont even care if he is using again or not. I cant stand the lies. And the weird thing is... I am not sad right now. I am not crying or worried. I am just done. I've had it. At least its a step. I hope it helps me. And I still hope it helps him.
It has been a while since I've posted. I think the last time I posted I was going insane because I KNEW he was using, but he was still denying it. Everyone told me I should give hiim a drug test. I DID. On Christmas Eve. It was positive for heroin (his DOC) and pcp (i have no idea about that). Of course he had an excuse for it... he'd taken a few subutex just that day. He told me they cause a positive drug test and to look it up online. He'd done his research. I knew it was wierd why he insisted on keeping a few of those "just in case." I wanted to believe him, so we had a nice Christmas Eve and I was excited to see all the Christmas presents he'd been spending so much money on. Nothing. Not one present...not for me, his parents, anyone.
I flipped out on him Christmas night--crying, screaming, begging, pleading. He admited that he was using again. I told him I appreciated his honesty and we would try again. I went with him to the VA (he's an ex-marine) the next morning and sat with him while he signed up for their outpatient methadone detox program.
In the meantime, I'd cut him off financially. I told him I wasn't buying him cigarettes, gas, anything. There was food in the house he could eat and other than that, I wasnt doing it anymore. Everything was going really well for a while. He was being very responsible and setting his alarm and getting up (even before I was up a lot of the time) and going for his treatments. He was also still going to frequent NA meetings. He lost his job the last time he had to go to rehab, so he was working hard to find a new job and helping his dad do construction work in the meantime. His addict behavior started up again this week.
He started appearing with packs of cigarettes that I never gave him money for. He would tell me his dad gave him $5 or the guy at the store told him he could pay later, etc. Either way, I just knew something was up. His appointments at the VA started taking longer--he'd be gone for hours at a time and always have some excuse. He stopped going to NA meetings and he stopped answering phone calls from his sponser.
Yesterday he had a job interview. He took my atm card out of my purse in the morning before I woke up. He said he needed it to pick up his dry cleaning. I never told him he could take it. I had no other money or cash so I asked him to please meet me for lunch so I'd be able to eat. Well he shows up 2 hours after my lunch hour with some story about being pulled over and having his truck searched. And the reason his truck was searched was because the cop was training someone. YEA RIGHT. I also noticed he withdrew $40 from my bank account. He tells me he needed to pay the parking at his interview and he has all the change. I come home and he hands me $35. Whatever, I dont believe him, but I just ignore it.
Today he is acting weird. Another super long trip to the VA. His throat is all hoarse and he can barely talk. He is also taking very frequent and looooong trips to the bathroom. I start to think about it. This is my theory: he goes to the interview, uses my atm card to pull out $40 (surprisingly the same amount it costs him to buy heroin), goes to the other side of town and buys, gets pulled over, swallows the drugs (this would explain the horase voice from trying to throw them back up and the frequent trips to the bathroom--there was an open bottle of laxatives in the bathroom), cops cant find anything since he swallowed it, he gets off with a window tint ticket.
After another one of his frequent trips to the bathroom, I ask him to see the ticket. He shows it to me. The city and the street where he was pulled over are no where near where he said he was. He was on the other side of town basically right where he's admitted he buys drugs from.
I told him he was a liar and to get out.
I called his parents to tell them I've kicked him out. His dad tells me that they took thier house key away from him today because they found out he's been stealing money from the house. He also tells me that he's paid him $260 in cash for working with him over the last few weeks. I've seen $60 of it.
Right now he keeps calling me crying and telling me that he is clean, he swears, he say I can even go with him to the VA tomorrow and they confirm that he's been there everyday and passed all their drug tests. He is begging to come home and for me to not give up on him. I told him to stay at his parents house. Here I sit.
To be honest, I dont even care if he is using again or not. I cant stand the lies. And the weird thing is... I am not sad right now. I am not crying or worried. I am just done. I've had it. At least its a step. I hope it helps me. And I still hope it helps him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 92
Wow, I am very impressed! Please stay strong. I would even encourage no contact as he will just continue to lie to you, I think.
Yeah, you have to reach "your bottom". The I AM FED UP, NO MORE, moment and its sounds like you have.
That is great that you are in touch with his parents. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. That is what I did with mine and he is out of my life now and the anxiety is lifting and I starting to be able to eat normal and it feels great.
Please stay strong!!! Do whatever it is you need to do to take care of you!
A relationship with an addict will never be "normal".
Very impressed!!! Nice work and stick with it!
Yeah, you have to reach "your bottom". The I AM FED UP, NO MORE, moment and its sounds like you have.
That is great that you are in touch with his parents. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. That is what I did with mine and he is out of my life now and the anxiety is lifting and I starting to be able to eat normal and it feels great.
Please stay strong!!! Do whatever it is you need to do to take care of you!
A relationship with an addict will never be "normal".
Very impressed!!! Nice work and stick with it!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"I hope it helps me. And I still hope it helps him."
All that matters is that it helps you.
There is no sanity in living with an addict, as you know. Letting go is the only thing to do and you did it. Now you must protect yourself. Did you change the locks? Change your pin number?
All that matters is that it helps you.
There is no sanity in living with an addict, as you know. Letting go is the only thing to do and you did it. Now you must protect yourself. Did you change the locks? Change your pin number?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Reading through your post, it's clear how insane addiction is and no matter how much we want to believe them, there comes a point where we say "enough". It sounds like you have hit that point. You no longer want to live his lie with him.
Now might be a good time to find an Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meeting in your area. Surrounding yourself with support while you try to regain your balance will help you more than you can know.
Take care of you, you have some healing to do.
Hugs
Now might be a good time to find an Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meeting in your area. Surrounding yourself with support while you try to regain your balance will help you more than you can know.
Take care of you, you have some healing to do.
Hugs
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
good for you that you got off the carosel. hope you stay true to your commitment, you do not deserve this....and he needs to feel the desperation in order to find his bottom.
when they dig, we dont need to stand by and get dirt thrown on us.
when they dig, we dont need to stand by and get dirt thrown on us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
Thanks for all the support everyone. It is weird. The phone calls have stopped. I assumed he'd be calling me all through the night or text messaging. He hasnt. And not a word this morning. I think he knew this was coming. I think there were times when he almost wanted it to happen. This is really weird for me. I really do love him and I dont know how long I'll be able to continue to say no. Also... he left with just the clothes he was wearing, his wallet, cell phone, and truck. At some point he needs to come back and get more stuff. Should I just leave for a while and text message him that I am gone and he can come get his stuff? I'm not really afraid of him stealing anything. I'll take all the small valueables with me....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 51
Why should you have to leave?? Why can't you gather his things together and put them outside...those big black yard bags hold a lot of "stuff" (speaking from my exah experience)! Also, FYI and don't know if it fits, but my ex was always hoarse when he came home from a crack binge (I found out the "why" later knowing nothing about drugs at the time).
Sorry you are going through this. Read the stickies at the top of the page like "What Addicts Do" and you will find that lies and manipulation are at the top of the list. The Number 1 priority in this situation is look out for YOU!!
Hugs,
Susie
Sorry you are going through this. Read the stickies at the top of the page like "What Addicts Do" and you will find that lies and manipulation are at the top of the list. The Number 1 priority in this situation is look out for YOU!!
Hugs,
Susie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear lost,
this was incredibly helpful to me. i can't thank you enough for all the details in your account....this is invaluable knowledge for me and i'm certain for many others.
i don't think you are lost, by the way.
in "the addictive personality" by craig nakken, your reactions are what he describes as the family giving up on hoping the addict will do what it takes ...in stage 3 of the addictive spiral. the family just hits a wall. and it is, i guess, just like hitting a wall. suddenly you can't even cry.
i never want to stop hoping for an addict to find recovery and for a relationship to be saved. but only you know, in your own heart and mind, when you have passed beyond the house of hope. he is not doing what he has to do. i am so sorry. it is your story...you will decide what to do next. whatever it is, i wish you strength and courage and deep faith in life, no matter what.
this was incredibly helpful to me. i can't thank you enough for all the details in your account....this is invaluable knowledge for me and i'm certain for many others.
i don't think you are lost, by the way.
in "the addictive personality" by craig nakken, your reactions are what he describes as the family giving up on hoping the addict will do what it takes ...in stage 3 of the addictive spiral. the family just hits a wall. and it is, i guess, just like hitting a wall. suddenly you can't even cry.
i never want to stop hoping for an addict to find recovery and for a relationship to be saved. but only you know, in your own heart and mind, when you have passed beyond the house of hope. he is not doing what he has to do. i am so sorry. it is your story...you will decide what to do next. whatever it is, i wish you strength and courage and deep faith in life, no matter what.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
Tonight is very hard. I am crying and I cant stop. I dont want this. I love him and tonight it is really hard thinking that he might not ever get better. I havent told anyone other than his parents that I kicked him out. I dont know why. People asked where he was and I lied. I dont even know what I am doing right now. I am just sad and this is just hard.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Lost~~You've been so strong so far. Try to stay that way. Maybe~~just maybe~~this will be his awakening. Something has to change~~~to make him change. Wipe those tears, get a good nights sleep and hand him over to his HP.....I'm doing the same tonight. Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
Today it seems like he is starting to get it. He called me to tell me that he went and visited the psychiatrist at the VA this morning. He said he cried and told him everything and he really feels that he is on the right path. He says he realized that he hasn't been himself and he has a lot of work to do. He thanked me for kicking him out and says he appreciates what I am trying to do. He is excited to get better and to spend some time focusing on his recovery. He knows that all I want from him is the guy that I fell in love with. In the meantime, I am staying positive, but staying out of it. He called me last night and asked if he could stop by and pick up some of his meds, I told him I'd put them on the porch for him. I think that was hard for him, but I honestly think he is starting to get it. Maybe this is his bottom. I hope so, but I am trying not to get my hopes up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by LstInHISadictin 
Today it seems like he is starting to get it.
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