Squeeealer

I am new here.

My 20-year old stepson is a drug addict. He lives at his grandparents house and they provide him with everything he needs or wants. He has no job and is not in school. His current situation is that he gets injured and receives prescription medicine. It's one injury after another and he will even damage a current injury to ensure it will not heal.

My wife has made some very significant steps in her relationship with him, but one of our major subjects of contention is gift giving.

She wants to buy him an Xbox 360. Not only am I totally against spending this kind of money on a drug addict, but I don't think it's appropriate to buy an active drug addict who is not seeking help any Christmas gifts. I keep thinking it's like telling him his behavior is okay... so I guess my idea is the exact opposite of hers - NO Christmas gifts for him. Not even cookies.

Do I have the right idea here or am I being mistakenly too strict?

Thank you!

Ann

Welcome to SR, Squeeealer. I think you're on the right track, almost any gift would most likely be sold for drugs.

When my son was around (and active in his disease) I bought him things like socks and underwear or warm gloves (he lived on the street a lot) or I just took him out for a nice hot dinner.

For me it wasn't about deciding if he "deserved" it, it was a gift of love that could do no harm. We all deserve that, I think.

Hope you stay with us a while, and make yourself comfortable. You've come to a good place.

Hugs

nytepassion

I agree with Ann (any gift would most likely get sold for drugs). In my opinion it is best to buy warm wear or take him out to dinner - something that cant get returned for cash or pawned or traded in to the dealer as collateral for dope.

Passion

Done_With_It

I would do like those little $5.00 food cards you can get at fast food places or something like that, things they probably won't sell for drugs. None with tooo
high of a value. (Or what Ann said).


I agree with you I wouldn't do an X-box.

Welcome to SR!

goldenguru

While I think an Xbox is a little over the top - I think no gifts is a little over the top too.
I think an overcoat, hat, mittens, socks, underpants are all good ideas.

Maybe a self help, inspirational type book?

I guess it all depends on how you see gift giving? Do we give gifts because they are deserved? or because it expresses our love for others? I tend to fall in the expression of love camp.

To give him nothing at all seems a little cold IMO.

mooselips

Squeeealer,
When both of my sons were using, I bought stuff I THOUGHT they couldn't return. Yes, gift giving can be a real challenge some years...LOL

For the oldest son, who is still using, I buy undies, socks, and gift cards for McDonalds, and fast food places....Although I realize he could still sell those items.

I'm thinking you're wife doesn't yet grasp the concept of enabling.

Maybe you and your wife could attend some meetings? Naranon, or Alanon works great...with wonderful support for both of you...


Hugs,

marle

My daughter is getting underthings and some perfume. And a dinner if she makes it over. In the past I have bought gift cards and gas cards which she conveniently lost. (Um, really) Hugs, Marle

hope213

welcome to S.R. you are in the right place. i hope you keep coming back.there is alot of info here & you are on the right track. no, never buy the addict anything expensive or give them money.it will go to the dealers. my son is my addict & i am careful what i buy him.if she wants to get him anything get him a book on recovery.maybe he just may read it. prayers for all of you.

pjbs55

Welcome to SR.
I agree the xbox is over the top with an active addict. If she wants to send him cookies that would be fine. It is something from the heart, and it shows she still loves him, but it is not something he can sell or pawn.
Please attend face to face meetings, they have helped me so much in the two years I have been going.
Keep coming back and maybe have your wife come on and read the stickeys at the top of the page.
Hugs to all of you

Squeeealer

Thank you all for your advice and comments.

I noticed that the overriding theme here is just that the present might be sold/pawned or traded for drugs. So let's say for argument's sake that the present is a $300 aquarium that is installed in the addict's room and for whatever reason cannot be removed. Then it's okay?

I admit that in my role as a step parent it's easier to talk big about holding back at Christmas than if I were his true parent and raised him from birth. We have seen a counselor about drug addiction and the counselor's general theme was that while your love for your child is unconditional, your relationship IS conditional. The condition being that the addict child must be taking real active concrete steps toward recovery, or else there is no relationship until steps are taken.

Ann and Golden Guru correctly point out that gift-giving is an act of love (as opposed to the person being deserving), whether it be a new car or underwear. But would not the greatest love of all be the parent who encourages recovery by completely restricting the relationship with the addict child? Has anyone here been strong enough to try this strategy?

I know it sounds like I'm being contrary - I'm just trying to get information out of you out there with experience so that I'm better equipped to handle this.

marle

I did not see my daughter for 7 months recently because I needed to take a step back and deal with my anger. Now I can have a cordial phone conversation with her or see her occasionally and not do the nagging, threatening, pleading, begging codie thing. I, however, do not enable her in any way and she knows that I will not give her money or pay her bills for her. She cannot come home to live. But I will support her recovery anyway that I can. Rehab, halfway house are her options from me. But it took a long time for me to accept that she is where she wants to be, I can't fix her and I need to take care of myself. Those are things that I would have had a hard time dealing with if she had been in my life on a daily basis. It is extremely difficult to see the progression of addiction in your child and still maintain sanity. Seeing her occasionally has been more than enough for me. That is what works for me and does not mean it will work for you. Hugs, Marle

bookmiser

Tim? Is this you?

Just kidding. Tim is my husband and my son's stepdad.
My son is 26 and the addict in my life.


Hi. I'm Linda and the mother of a 26 yo sometimes sober, addict.
Compared to what he used to do, I'm pretty grateful.
As far as Christmas gifts, I'd give love.
It's all ya need.
Just kidding. I'm in a silly mood tonight. All hopped up on brownies and milk.
Okay, gifts? I give my son hoodies, boxers, groceries, and socks.
That said...I hope you continue to share and join us on the road to living in
recovery from codependency.
Our motto? Let Go, Let God. I urge you to do the same.
Keep comin' back.
All said with hugs, prayers, and a brief sense of goofiness.

best

Lets see... sits around the house looking for ways to score some pills.
Lets buy him a $300 entertainment package to keep him amused while sitting around doing nothing. With such a gift...he will never go looking for a job...or he will take it to a pawn shop and get $50 for it.

A nice sweater sounds so much better. The joy is in the giving. I would say think about what to give but still allow your wife her joy of giving. Yes a sweater (not a fleece or hooded jacket) sounds nice to me.

rahsue

Although my soon to be 23 yr old son (who lives with me) is in recovery, I am having difficulty deciding on what gifts to buy. I did buy him a coat, and I don't think theres going to be much else because I don't want them sold if his recovery goes south. cologne and gift cards are probably the only other gifts he'll get.

pjbs55

I have taken the tough love approach. I have not seen or spoken to my son in 2 years now. It kills be everyday not to see him, not to speak to him, and not to tell him how much I love him. I do send both my children a gift card for xmas. It shows them that I still love them and want them in my life, but I do not push it. I would not spend $300 on any addict. Give them cookies, homemade, it shows you love them and took the time for them. Give them plain sweatshirts, underwear, socks things that can not be sold to easy.
Don't take away your wifes love for her son, you will end up being the bad guy. Let her come here and read what other parents say about the problem. She might realize that you want her to be happy but see what is best for her.
Remember the 3 c's
1. You did not CAUSE it
2. You can not CONTROL it
3. You can not CURE IT.
I hope I do not sound to harsh with you, that is not what I am trying to do, I just want you to see that we have been there and know the hurt all of you are feeling. I still feel it everyday.
I love my son to death but do not like who he became while he was an active drug user.
Hugs coming your way

goldenguru

I think you raise a very good point. As step dad - I would encourage you to express your opinion to your wife - but leave it at that. She has to do what she has to do. Just as the addict has to commit to his own recovery - so does the co-dependent person have to commit to her own recovery.

If she buys him the xbox - and he pawns it for drugs - she'll be able to put 2 and 2 together. Which may serve her better in the long run than you pointing it out to her. IMHO.

sojourner

Squeealer:

You raise a couple of good points - one, the aquarium that cannot be removed from the home to be sold and two, the idea of a total break from the step-son.

Let me comment on #2 - I also have raised this question on this site - my comparison being made to the prodigal son story in the Bible where the prodigal son left the home and went to the far country - that son knew to go to that far country to live his lifestyle, and also the father let him go and did not call him to take him out to lunch, did not send him cards just to re-iterate that he still loved him- there was zero contact!!! And yet when the son "came to himself" he knew where to go!! Back home to his father!!

What are your thoughts?

oneeyeopen

any kind of electronics can be easily pawned, sold or traded for drugs. Think about something that is practical, like clothes, that most likely would be unusuable for drug bargaining. I thought those small amount gift cards for fast food joints might be good...even though he gets his meals at home he is probalby out and about at times and might like a burger. Movie theaters give gift cards too, so that is another idea, or dvd rental shops like blockbuster do too, he could rent a dvd, escaping through watching movies is better than escaping with drugs...

greeteachday

I know that I can only do what I can do, no matter what a therapist says or others wisely tell me. If I can not live with myself by totally cutting off a relationship with my child, then it isn't going to work - no matter whether it may be "right."

I had to start very small as I learned to detach from my daughter...Small steps all the way. I also did not take kindly to a well meaning "friend" who never had addiction touch his life telling me what *I* should do. It was probably me, but it sounded all knowing and down right condescending and it took me quite awhile to work through the resentment I harbored. What helped me was the unconditional love and support I received from others who have walked in my shoes. They didn't tell me...they shared their experiences. I still had to learn along the way, but those stories helped me to keep moving forward and to take care of me.

Spiritual Seeker

Dress shirt, slacks and tie is good gift that could be used to seek employment. I buy my AS practical items too like shoes, clothes, pay to fix his bike (he has no car) etc.
No way I'd buy gift that promotes laying around.