Elctrcldylnd

Hi everyone - it's me the woman who has a newborn , 4yr old and AH (who acts like a 4 yr old).

After a week of AH trying to work on himself and cutting down today he committed the cardinal sin of driving while drinking and with my 4 yr old. He admitted this to me after I pressed him if he had anything to drink. He finally admitted to taking my 4 yr old to the liquor store where he took two shooters on the way home.

Last night my brother (who is also an alcoholic) and his Gf were over for AH's birthday. I knew he would drink so I kept it mum. Things were ok. They were obnoxious but my brother wasn't belligerent and my husband was able to at least stand for the entire night. This morning he seemed fine. He wanted to take our child to their appointment and so I let him. And now I find out about this. I lost my **** and in front of the kids. I feel bad about that but I just could not contain my anger. I am so livid right now. I told him that he needs to find someplace to live and sort himself out - that we need to separate. When I said that, my 4yr old climbs in the couch with him to cuddle. It breaks my heart. I don't want this but I don't know what to do.

In that moment (and other moments that I then tend to forget) I realized how I constantly feel - anxious about his drinking, anguish from the unsteadiness, and just unhappy about our relationship and how it's turned. I am not myself. I feel like I am constantly in a haze trying to hold everything together with a poker face as the ship is sinking. I'm realizing divorce is waiting for us around the corner and it leaves me devastated.

I guess I am posting because I don't know how to go about it today. Do I leave with the kids? Right now we are not talking. He's not threatening by any means. He just hangs his head low in shame especially after I chewed him out. I do know from now on I will need to do all the driving and carting the kids around. I cannot trust him on that anymore. I have been reading up on breaking the cycle, looking into therapists (I've encountered so many snags with therapist I find who are no longer in my area), and spoken to my mom about her watching the kids so I can attend al-anon meetings. It has been challenging trying to deal with a newborn. I just don't know what to do when something as egregious as what he did today happens and would appreciate any advice. TIA

LexieCat

Do you have someplace to go? That would be my first question. And, actually, it would make a whole lot more sense for HIM to leave, than you. You've got two kids (including an infant), and it would make much more sense for him to go if he's willing to do that. Unless, of course, you could go to your mom's house, if she's able to help with the kids. In that case it would make sense for you to go, but if you do that, you should see a lawyer right away--not that you need to file for divorce immediately, but if things should go that direction, it's sometimes problematic if you've left the home.

If you aren't in a position where you and the kids are in danger (and you've said you won't entrust them to his sole care right now), then you could talk to a lawyer first, get some legal advice, take some time to think about it. If you can't stand being in the same house, then leaving or asking him to leave might be for the best. If you just need a breather, maybe a few days with your mom would give you a chance to calm down and think carefully about the best course of action.

PuzzledHeart

My nanny used to abuse me. She would also threaten to leave the house, and ask us if we wanted her to leave. I always said no and insisted on it because 1) if I said yes it would have begged a smack across the mouth and 2) in a weird way, I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want her to leave because in my childish way of magical thinking, all the wishes I had for her to leave would come true if she actually did. And wishing somebody to go away made ME a bad person. Now I'm an adult, and remembering that makes me sad and angry.

You'll have to decide if this is what you want in a marriage. And if you want to teach your kids that this is what they should expect in a marriage.

Your husband and the drinking with the driving. Yes it is bad. Your brother - you have every right to say to him that the only way he steps across your threshold if he is sober. Same applies to your husband.

Maybe think of it this way: You don't have a problem with them being sober. If they have a problem being sober with you, that's their problem and they can choose not to be in your presence. Just as you have a problem with them being drunk - you don't have to be in their presence either.

Elctrcldylnd

Trust me I would rather have him leave but he has no place he would go. My parents live The closest but they live in an apartment so not sure if that's a solution either.

I guess it will be silent treatment for now. I have nothing good to say to him. He knows my feelings about this and yet he repeatedly ignores it. I'm just done with it. and yes I will be consulting an divorce attorney too.

LexieCat

Silent treatment is not a good solution. You don't have to be chummy with him while you're furious, but if you're occupying the same living quarters basic civility is required. Remember, your kids are watching.

Maybe you could ask your folks if you could stay with them for just a few days till things cool off a bit. You could probably talk with a lawyer next week. Many will provide a free initial consult.

Elctrcldylnd

I can ask my folks if I can stay with them but that's not necessarily healthy either. My dad is also a recovering alcoholic and they have their own personal problems. My mom has done her best to support me but I don't think she realizes how much of a codependent she has been (and I have followed in her footsteps).

I am of course being civil in front of the kids because I know they are watching but I will not pretend I am ok with what he just did. He violated this boundary and I have not been strong enough with what the consequences will be. I now know I need to work on this.

Bekindalways

Hi Elctr, I haven't been in your position so can't offer much practical support.

It sounds like time to come up with a plan: lawyer, possibly stay with parents, get yourself to an Alanon meeting, post here regularly . . . . hmmm, I realize I'm not being particularly helpful here . . . just offering you some e-support.

FeelingGreat

Hi E, he doesn't have anywhere to go right this moment, but why can't he find somewhere? Is he refusing to leave?

I think insisting he goes (if that is what you want to do) will be the most effective while he's still feeling guilty. I agree moving in with your parents won't be viable, so plan for getting him out.

LexieCat

FYI, when I kicked out my last S.O. (we'd been talking about splitting up but he was dragging his feet on finding a new place), I told him (actually, in the middle of the night--I woke him up) he was packing his stuff and getting out the next day. When he whined, "But I've got no place to GO," I said, "Not my problem--I'm staying home to make sure you do it." Guess what--he left. Went to a motel for a few days till he could find an apartment.

Just sayin'. If there were a disaster (house burned down, whatever), don't you think he'd figure something out?

Hopefulheart911

Hi E, Ive been somewhat in your shoes and you are indeed a codependent right now in your thinking. Well he doesn't have anywhere to go and neither do I.

Stop! He has somewhere to go (a rehab) and he is the one with the disease causing this disfuctional life style for your children so you need to do what you go to do. Its not right for you and the children to have to leave. and any good man wouldnt let that happen. they would leave willingly.

But you should really consider disconnecting with love. its loving a person by not enabling their behaviour anymore and letting them hit thier rock bottom to get help. So its going to be hard. I'm personally going through it right now with my husband but just always keep in mind you know who your husband is and your not dealing with your husband here your dealing with an addiction which has a mind of its own and it doesn't give 2 craps about you or your children.

And you have to fight it as well as your husband. If you truely love your husband, support him in him wanting to go get treatment but dont fall for any tricks and protect your children from it. But always be loving and let him know your still his wife but you have to protect your children from this. He wont understand right then and probably be nasty about it, but thats just the addiction throwing a fit.
There is many rehabs he can go to and will give him a place to stay while he gets better, but hes got to want it, you cant force him to. Best of luck huggs and prayers.