Can you betToo Detached?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 12
Can you betToo Detached?
Is being too detached an issue?
After many insane episodes and a horrible Christmas, I took my kids out of the house 2 weeks ago after my AH tried to drive one of my kids after consuming a large amount of hidden alcohol. He was finally convinced by a friend to leave the house after 3 nights (after threats to harm self, cops, getting beaten up by a family member, all kinds of drama that I am thankful my kids did not witness). I was filing a TRO and papers but it was over the New Year’s holiday so courts closed and we ended up coming to a mutual short term agreement (wouldn’t sign the legal document in the end-stupid of me I know but I just want to be as amicable as possible for my kids) for him to stay out of house, not drive kids etc while he works on sobriety and gaining employment and I decided if I could try again.
It has been going okay and he appears to be sober but I have taken the approach that I can’t control it and will just worry about protecting my kids in the short term and have an amazing sense of peace about being removed from the daily chaos and how I was handling the chaos. To me the relationship has been chiseled away over the last 2 years and I have had a gradual grieving period while he feels I have pulled the rug out from under him (bc I finally put myself in front of what he wanted and followed through). T
oday was rough as he went to kids events and felt uncomfortable and doesn’t understand how I can sit and act like everything is okay and "soldier on". I was told this evening if I loved him, I would think about what this is doing to his recovery, he needs a supportive person, everyone has turned his back on him and that I am closed off and detached and essentially callous. I feel I am choosing not to let every minute of every day be effected by the insanity we have been living in.
With 4 kids and work, it is challenging to attend meetings but I wonder…is it possible to go too far in detaching? I have told him I will always love and support him; it just may not be his definition of supportive and my timeline for recovery may not be the same.
After many insane episodes and a horrible Christmas, I took my kids out of the house 2 weeks ago after my AH tried to drive one of my kids after consuming a large amount of hidden alcohol. He was finally convinced by a friend to leave the house after 3 nights (after threats to harm self, cops, getting beaten up by a family member, all kinds of drama that I am thankful my kids did not witness). I was filing a TRO and papers but it was over the New Year’s holiday so courts closed and we ended up coming to a mutual short term agreement (wouldn’t sign the legal document in the end-stupid of me I know but I just want to be as amicable as possible for my kids) for him to stay out of house, not drive kids etc while he works on sobriety and gaining employment and I decided if I could try again.
It has been going okay and he appears to be sober but I have taken the approach that I can’t control it and will just worry about protecting my kids in the short term and have an amazing sense of peace about being removed from the daily chaos and how I was handling the chaos. To me the relationship has been chiseled away over the last 2 years and I have had a gradual grieving period while he feels I have pulled the rug out from under him (bc I finally put myself in front of what he wanted and followed through). T
oday was rough as he went to kids events and felt uncomfortable and doesn’t understand how I can sit and act like everything is okay and "soldier on". I was told this evening if I loved him, I would think about what this is doing to his recovery, he needs a supportive person, everyone has turned his back on him and that I am closed off and detached and essentially callous. I feel I am choosing not to let every minute of every day be effected by the insanity we have been living in.
With 4 kids and work, it is challenging to attend meetings but I wonder…is it possible to go too far in detaching? I have told him I will always love and support him; it just may not be his definition of supportive and my timeline for recovery may not be the same.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Hi, you're not calleous if you love and support him. You are detaching for you and you're children. It will not be what he wants, but you need to do what you need to do. Set your boundries. I don't think you can detach too much if that's what you know you need for your health and your children's health. Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
If you want to see the true face of an addict/alcoholic, tell them "no."
He doesn't like your boundaries/detachment. So he will attempt to make you feel confused & ashamed of your boundaries/detachment.
Kind people feel shame when they are accused of "not loving enough."
Hold the "no" that you already thoughtfully considered & chose.
You have every right in the world to choose the conditions of your own life.
You have every right in the world to make choices for the physical & emotional safety of your children.
He doesn't like your boundaries/detachment. So he will attempt to make you feel confused & ashamed of your boundaries/detachment.
Kind people feel shame when they are accused of "not loving enough."
Hold the "no" that you already thoughtfully considered & chose.
You have every right in the world to choose the conditions of your own life.
You have every right in the world to make choices for the physical & emotional safety of your children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,063
As Hearthealth said the detachment is for you. If it feels right for your life, than it is right. Alcoholics don't necessarily like this. Typically they want the status quo and continuing to drink.
He does indeed need support but this needs to be AA or some equivalent.
Please take care of yourself and your children.
He does indeed need support but this needs to be AA or some equivalent.
Please take care of yourself and your children.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
His recovery is his own business, not yours. From experience, I know that recovery is self-driven, and doesn't depend on anyone but the person in recovery. It's hard to explain, but you feel absolutely determined. This might make you social or hard to live with for a while, because it's a struggle.
He's looking for praise, and everything to get back to normal. Has he apologised for what he put you through? The 'if you loved me' line is classic guilt inducing manipulation.
He's looking for praise, and everything to get back to normal. Has he apologised for what he put you through? The 'if you loved me' line is classic guilt inducing manipulation.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
smig10....I don't see any mention of him ha ing a program...like AA...or seeing a doctor (for help with detox/withdrawl )......
If he says that he "can do it on his own"....that is a big predictor of relapse.....
Don't worry about being "too detached"...! Especially....when you have "been living in insanity"......
By all means...get to an alanon meeting....I know schedules are always hard when you have have 4kids and a job....I think the "insanity" is draining you and the kids more than anything.....
Do what you have to do.....
Make you and the kids your top priority...just as he needs to make sobriety his top priority.....AA and his sponsor and doctor will give him tons and tons of support....
If he says that he "can do it on his own"....that is a big predictor of relapse.....
Don't worry about being "too detached"...! Especially....when you have "been living in insanity"......
By all means...get to an alanon meeting....I know schedules are always hard when you have have 4kids and a job....I think the "insanity" is draining you and the kids more than anything.....
Do what you have to do.....
Make you and the kids your top priority...just as he needs to make sobriety his top priority.....AA and his sponsor and doctor will give him tons and tons of support....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
My AH tells me I'm "cold" but I know I'm not.
I think if the detachment is helping you find peace in your day and allowing him to deal with his own issues, it's doing its job.
One note, because it's a great question: there's a difference between detachment and emotional repression, so I think it's important to stay aware of your feelings and impulses-- just don't be driven by them.
I remember an "aha" moment I had years ago. It was when the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood came out. I didn't think that book was for me, because obviously loving too much was not my problem-- I didn't love him enough (in my mind, driven I'm sure by his propaganda).
When I did buy it, I saw how perfectly that book was written for me. It was one of the few life changing books I read.
So, point being, don't take your cues about your own feelings from him. Not a reliable source.
I think if the detachment is helping you find peace in your day and allowing him to deal with his own issues, it's doing its job.
One note, because it's a great question: there's a difference between detachment and emotional repression, so I think it's important to stay aware of your feelings and impulses-- just don't be driven by them.
I remember an "aha" moment I had years ago. It was when the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood came out. I didn't think that book was for me, because obviously loving too much was not my problem-- I didn't love him enough (in my mind, driven I'm sure by his propaganda).
When I did buy it, I saw how perfectly that book was written for me. It was one of the few life changing books I read.
So, point being, don't take your cues about your own feelings from him. Not a reliable source.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
he needs a supportive person, everyone has turned his back on him and that I am closed off and detached and essentially callous.
Also - if he really wants support to be sober, he'll go find it....in rehab or at AA meetings.
Keep taking care of you - YOU also need a supportive person, and it doesnt sound like youve had that with him.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh wow. So, his view of recovery is manipulation? These are all the same tactics my X pulled. So sorry.
Question, do you even want to try? If so, why, or why not? You don't have to answer here, but sometimes we get into this cycle of relapse, promises, relapse, promises, and it's just part of the deal for us to keep on waiting. Thing is, we don't have to keep waiting. You have a right to free yourself from this. However, it comes with big changes and big protections to legally get into place for your children.
Hugs.
Question, do you even want to try? If so, why, or why not? You don't have to answer here, but sometimes we get into this cycle of relapse, promises, relapse, promises, and it's just part of the deal for us to keep on waiting. Thing is, we don't have to keep waiting. You have a right to free yourself from this. However, it comes with big changes and big protections to legally get into place for your children.
Hugs.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
