sauerkraut

I had a marathon 6 hour mediation session with STBXAH today. . . . and, heck, I started to like him again. I think he finally has some sobriety under his belt, maybe even 3 months or so, in no small part because he has to do sobriety monitoring to have custody of our kids. He seemed relaxed, calm, good-natured, smart; you know, like the guy I married 17 years ago.

Tonight I had to reread my journals from this time last year, when I was finally getting up the gumption to tell him enough was enough, after 5+ years of pleading and bargaining with him, to remember just how miserable I was and how relieved I felt when I finally made the break and got out.

I don't ask him about his recovery because that's not my business. But from his personality and his appearance, I think he's doing well.

I don't want to give it another chance . . . do I?

I recognize that one of the main things making/keeping him sober is doing SoberLink and having to be accountable.

I know from what many of you say that his chances of remaining sober aren't great, and that he faces a long road ahead.

Still, at least one part of me kind of wants to say hey, are we making a mistake?

Any advice?

aliciagr

I dont think anyone can answer that but you.
Would he even want to get back together or try?
I dont know your story or how long you have been seperated and how fast your moving on the divorce.
Do you feel ready to move forward?

My husband had recovered from an addiction when we met. He had been fine for all our marriage and relapsed this summer with the onset of a lot of stress in our lives. But one thing I feel in my heart is that I love him for who he is. I am willing to go through this relapse and another if there should be one. The only reason I will leave is if his beahvaior becomes too much. If my life living with him becomes unhappy and I see small chance.for change. And I'm willing to seek professional help (like I am now) to help me clearly see how I'm being affected so I can say enough' with certainty if it comes to it.

I think I'm just saying its a feeling you have in your heart. And along with it you do need to look at the practical side. But you made a comment his sobriety might not last. If you dont want to endure a relapse then I say dont go for reconciliation because you both deserve more.

shockozulu

Like you, I only judge by behavior. to me 3 months is a little soon. Changes are taking place but it takes a few more months for it to be cemented in. I would leave the window open for the future but wait a bit more time before you rekindle your relationship. Again, just my experience.

dandylion

sauerkraut....I think going back and reviewing your past posts was a good idea.
We tend to remember the good about what we wanted....more than the bad things. It seems to be human nature.
We can get so carried away by the glimpses of the good qualities, while they are sober.
We both know that it can all be swept away in a moment by one drink.....
I have had it happen with my qualifier and the pain of relapse is beyond description. It feels like having the rug pulled out from under us, and sends us right back to all the pain, again.
I suggest the standard maneuver of listing the main reasons that brought you to this point...and keep it with you at all times. Read it over and over, whenever you find yourself getting shakey and putting on the rose colored glassed......

dandylion

Nata1980

+1 on what dandy said. XAH still trying to get back somehow - via sneaky "I want to come over and help with house remodeling" blah blah blah. One minute he is "the guy I married", however, it changes drastically when I start talking about unpleasant subjects or say "no". I have to co-parent with him (well - I don't have to, but making attempt in best interest of DS), and currently "training" him on accepting "no". He has shown his true colors enough times to confirm that I made a right choice.

I also agree that 3 months is nothing. Give it time. If his improvement and sobriety are consistent and you start getting what you want from relationship - sure why not, people go back.

I don't think I ever would - in my case, A was dry for 6 years (when I married him I had no idea on what he looks/acts like drunk), then relapses happened, and this last one sent him in downward spiral so fast and so deep that I was fearing for my son's, my and A's lives. I am not ever taking chance of experiencing it again. Plus - the underlying laziness, depression, annoyed disposition, and lack of joy are always present, drunk or "sober". Not spending my life like this

I have a list of reasons why I left him, and also reasons why I married him. All reasons why I left him outweigh reasons why I married him, and very few characteristics from why I married him list are still present (or ever materialized for that matter). Fixes any doubts pretty quick

My 2c

dandylion

YES, YES, SAUERKRAUT---Nata1980 brought up the best way to test out how deep the good stuff goes (I almost forgot about it).....
Just say "no" to anything that they want or expect of you.....

Works every time!

***I also remember an interesting factoid about forgetting the bad stuff and remembering the good.
Some researchers have said that at the time of extremely traumatic events (emotional and.or physical) that the pituitary gland, in the brain, releases Pitocin...which is the hormone that is released at the time of birth, so that there is amnesia for the pain of birth. Over time the pain is all but forgotten.
they propose that this is true for abusive events, also.
interesting, huh....?

Maudcat

I'm glad your soon to be ex seems to be doing well. 3 months is way too soon to be making "should we try again?" decisions. I am guessing that it took a lot of strength for you to leave. Hold fast to that. Wait. Breathe. See what happens. Peace.

LexieCat

It isn't unheard-of for divorced couples to eventually reconcile. I think this is WAY too soon, and nothing has really been "tested"--you don't know what will happen when life shows up and kicks him in the butt (as it does for all of us).

I'd suggest moving forward, as planned. If you're lucky, his continued sobriety will make co-parenting MUCH easier (I had a great co-parenting relationship with my first husband and we are still friends after our kids are grown). And if it's meant to be, down the road, maybe you WILL wind up back together. Or maybe not.

I think you've done a lot of hard work and don't need to be second-guessing yourself based on brief interactions with him under circumstances where it's in his best interest to be on good behavior.

redatlanta

I recommend moving forward with the divorce.

I would want to see a year sober. I would also like to see what his sobriety looks like without sober link.

As lexie said divorced couple have been known to reconcile. This is a win win for you as I see it. If he doesn't stay sober you are already through this part, and moving on with life. If he does stay sober you can reconcile, and move forward however you like, which might NOT include getting remarried, or maybe it will.

Refiner

Is he being on his best behavior thinking it would change your mind? Do you think he would still be drinking if he didn't have to use sober link to be a worthy parent?

Expanding

I think this is why no contact is so important. When we see them for bits and pieces here and there we don't get the full picture. Add in relationship amnesia and now you're wondering...

Don't forget, you know what he's like all the time. I think most people would be pretty pleasant after six hours of meditation lol, I'm sure there are still emotional ties which makes it easy to go, "welllll....." You are seeing him at his best, very confusing

atalose

I agree with the others, 3 months is really not a lot of time for someone who made you miserable for 60 + months.

I think all of us tend to reach back when afraid of moving forward because what was is familiar and the unknown tends to be a bit frightening.

For me today the most frightening thing I could possible do would be to go back and re-enter my ex’s life.

Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you. Not what your heart think its needs at this moment in time.

NYCDoglvr

I would give it a year, at least. Three months is very early sobriety.

sauerkraut

Thanks, everyone. I think you're right, so much so that I'm smiling as I write this. I've got a bad case of relationship amnesia, perhaps caused by pitocin over-riding the horrors of when he was abusive and crazy. It took me so long and so much stress to get to this point that there must be some serious short circuiting in my brain or heart to think hey, he seems like he's okay; maybe I should go back. Part of me still wants to believe in the fairytale.

Off with the rosy glasses and up with the list of horrors . . . with the slight caveat that maybe, some day, if he comes to me with evidence of his longterm recovery, I might be willing to listen.

The thing is, even our children are better off with us separate. He's not drinking when he has them, and we're no longer fighting. They haven't once asked why we don't get back to together. They know and I know why I left.

Thanks.

tomsteve

how do you maintain your resolve?

2 things helped me
1)remembering how good not maintaining my resolve worked, which was not for crap.
2) practice

LexieCat

I always think, too, there's an element of just not having to go THROUGH any more work to get everything resolved. We get tired, and think, hey, maybe it will be OK if I just stop all this stuff that's giving me a headache (not to mention legal bills, etc.).

It's a false economy, though, if you wind up in the same spot having to start over from square one. Deep breath, your second wind will come and you can get this wrapped up.

Wells

I have managed to maintain resolve well just by reminding myself, in the very brief limited contact I have had, that is 1% of what the contact used to be when we lived together. She could stay sober and pleasant way more than 1% of the time. So, this 1% I see now is just a small portion of that window of when she was wonderful, but I no longer see the other 99% of her life, and have no concern or idea of how she is carrying herself in that time.

It's also nice to not have the stress of that any more. As much as she has been pleasant in our limited interactions over the last few months, I just remember that there is so much that I am no longer seeing, but that I can not forget.

sauerkraut

Thank you; I'm still mulling over your observations.

Aliciagr: your point about having to be willing to take the (likely) bad with the good is so relevant, and every cell in my body says NO, I never want to be back in the predicament I was in a year ago.

And yep, Lexie, I think I am (was?) suffering from a case of divorce exhaustion, where going backward started to seem more appealing.

Wells: your point about remembering the percentage of time you're seeing someone made me realize something that should have been obvious: it's no surprise that he was pleasant that day. He's trying to ingratiate himself with the mediator (and me) because he has an awful lot to lose through these negotiations.

Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate your perspectives and advice.

Ariesagain

The fact that your children are happier and don't ever ask if you're getting back together is really all you need to think about at moments like this. By getting them out, you're not only helping them, but you're saving their children and potentially their children's children from repeating the pattern.

Good for you!