I am a mess!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
I wouldn't even mention moving out to him anymore and just do it when the time is right. Good that the kids won't be there during the move. Please trust your instincts and be careful. I don't put anything past anybody once they're back is against the wall. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by BananaTree 
I am planning on telling him (again) today that I am moving out and that the kids will come with me.
I have told him 3 times in the last month that I am moving out if he did not change (while secretly hoping he would not change because I just want out) and nothing has changed.
The first time he threw a chair in the pool and told me that if I took his kids away he would hunt me down and kill me...lovely.
The second time he told me he would kill me in my sleep before I got the chance to move
and the third time he destroyed my brand new phone and said he would kill me and bury me in the woods and tell everyone I ran away.
I have told him 3 times in the last month that I am moving out if he did not change (while secretly hoping he would not change because I just want out) and nothing has changed.
The first time he threw a chair in the pool and told me that if I took his kids away he would hunt me down and kill me...lovely.
The second time he told me he would kill me in my sleep before I got the chance to move
and the third time he destroyed my brand new phone and said he would kill me and bury me in the woods and tell everyone I ran away.
His apologies aren't who he is, deep down inside. His apologies are the facade that he puts up to the outside world to project the appearance of a decent guy. It's the instinctive outbursts, the way that he handles sudden anger and stress that show who he really is on the inside, the side of himself that he keeps carefully hidden away from view. He is the man who is threatening to kill you - that is DIRECTLY where his mind goes when you bring it up to him. That is his instinctive response. That is who he is. Everything else becomes a rationalization of thought based on the repercussions.
People show who they are when they're pushed and don't have time to think things through fully. This is true for you, true for me, true for all of us. My AXW pushed me past my 'fight or flight' limit plenty of times. Not ONCE did I ever think about harming her, or telling her I intended to harm her; my instinctive response, whether verbal or physical, always involved either attempting to remove myself from her presence, or self-depreciation, or at my very worst, swearing while bringing up the ways that her drinking was causing problems for her family. Because deep down inside, I'm capable of inflicting damage upon myself but not on my partner. Thoughts of harm of others simply don't happen.
He has already shown you an increase in physical aggression. Starting with the chair, and escalating to actually destroying your personal property. I bet that before the incident with the phone happened, you never would have imagined that he would destroy your phone. Nobody ever imagines that their spouse can actually kill them until it happens. And it does happen, all around the world including here. Literal death threats are not something that you play chicken with. I never thought that my ex would kick my cat. Until she did. I never thought that she would hit me while drunk. Until she did.
And while I don't mean to demean your 'mommabear' instincts, it is worth mentioning that even if you are a wildly successful MMA fighter or professional competitive combatant, your chances of survival against a knife, gun, or baseball bat attack with intent to kill is exceedingly low. Because people who intend to kill, do not do so with their fists. If you tell him you're finally leaving him, and he comes back in the room holding a butcher knife, what is your plan for survival? Overpower him with your hands? Grab your car keys in your fist? Unlikely methods of survival. When you see a news story of a Japanese man who goes on a killing spree with a knife and kills 26 people, do you wonder "why didn't anybody fight back against him?" Here's the thing: they did. And they died. That's worth thinking about. And every time that we read those stories, we hear from neighbors and family of the attacker that they never thought he was capable of doing such a thing. They're always sweet, caring, great people. Until they're not.
I'd advise against continuing to poke him with that stick, and just move ahead with a plan to protect yourself and your children. Including filing a report.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 31
Hi All,
Sorry, I was off line for a few days.
Nothing has changed. I have taken everything you all have said into consideration and will meet with the DV person this week. I also have an appointment with a psychologist that specializes in this area. I also talked to my family doctor last week, who is also his family doctor and she too suggested that I file a report with the police. I will do this before I make a move.I did get the keys to the new place and have been there a couple of times to drop stuff off and start to get it set up.
I am so grateful for your advise and that you care! It will get me through this process I am sure of that!
On an interesting note... he asked me to come and talk to him on Sunday night. I hate talking to him when he is drinking, it is a complete waste of time as far as I am concerned, but I did. He said that no matter what happens we will always be a part of each others lives because of the kids and that he always wants to be friends and not enemies. He also suggested that the kids stay here in the house and we share an apartment and take turns spending the week with the kids. In theory I am sure this would work for some people but all I could think of was the fact that I would then have 2 houses to take care of and clean all by myself!! Not my idea of a good deal at all!! It was however nice to hear that he is actually listening to me now when I say that I am done. I am still sleeping on the couch (a month now, my back hates me!) and am looking forward to having my own bed when the time comes!!
Anyway, thanks again for all your advise!!
Sorry, I was off line for a few days.
Nothing has changed. I have taken everything you all have said into consideration and will meet with the DV person this week. I also have an appointment with a psychologist that specializes in this area. I also talked to my family doctor last week, who is also his family doctor and she too suggested that I file a report with the police. I will do this before I make a move.I did get the keys to the new place and have been there a couple of times to drop stuff off and start to get it set up.
I am so grateful for your advise and that you care! It will get me through this process I am sure of that!
On an interesting note... he asked me to come and talk to him on Sunday night. I hate talking to him when he is drinking, it is a complete waste of time as far as I am concerned, but I did. He said that no matter what happens we will always be a part of each others lives because of the kids and that he always wants to be friends and not enemies. He also suggested that the kids stay here in the house and we share an apartment and take turns spending the week with the kids. In theory I am sure this would work for some people but all I could think of was the fact that I would then have 2 houses to take care of and clean all by myself!! Not my idea of a good deal at all!! It was however nice to hear that he is actually listening to me now when I say that I am done. I am still sleeping on the couch (a month now, my back hates me!) and am looking forward to having my own bed when the time comes!!
Anyway, thanks again for all your advise!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have a friend who she and her X tried that. They kept the house, and every other week one of them stayed there w/the kids. It was awful. It was just as you said, she was taking care of everything. The kids did not like it either. It was a big confusing mess that only made things worse.
Hugs to you. I am glad you are seeing people who can help you. Keep posting, we do care!!!!
Hugs to you. I am glad you are seeing people who can help you. Keep posting, we do care!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm glad you checked in.
Be careful. Be 2000% more careful than you think you need to be. I've left two abusive relationships. I had a childhood friend/next door neighbor who was shot and killed by her husband as she was trying to leave. Both sides of the family were wealthy and well-known and from all outside appearances, normal people. I've known many women who have left abusers and it is nearly always a dangerous time.
Tell him nothing. Tell his friend nothing. Seriously.
Be careful. Be 2000% more careful than you think you need to be. I've left two abusive relationships. I had a childhood friend/next door neighbor who was shot and killed by her husband as she was trying to leave. Both sides of the family were wealthy and well-known and from all outside appearances, normal people. I've known many women who have left abusers and it is nearly always a dangerous time.
Tell him nothing. Tell his friend nothing. Seriously.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Banana Tree, I am so p roud of you for reaching out to the proper type of help....both the dv co unselors and the psychologist.
I think that one of the biggest mistakes that many people make is to not reach out for help that is available.
You will benefit greatly, I know....
Yes, as biminiblue says, keep an abundance of caution.....when people are drinking, their moods can change rapidly....
dandylion
I think that one of the biggest mistakes that many people make is to not reach out for help that is available.
You will benefit greatly, I know....
Yes, as biminiblue says, keep an abundance of caution.....when people are drinking, their moods can change rapidly....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi BB,
Thanks for checking back in and letting us know how you're doing. We care about you, and I'm so glad you're getting help and proceeding with much caution. From the title of your posting, I think your body was telling you something about the danger you could be in . . . and it's great that you're listening and taking care.
My STBXAH and I considered the 'nesting' idea, too, but I'm so glad we didn't try it. We would each have had no personal space, and if there is one thing I need(ed) after 20 years with an active alcoholic, it was space.
Thanks for checking back in and letting us know how you're doing. We care about you, and I'm so glad you're getting help and proceeding with much caution. From the title of your posting, I think your body was telling you something about the danger you could be in . . . and it's great that you're listening and taking care.
My STBXAH and I considered the 'nesting' idea, too, but I'm so glad we didn't try it. We would each have had no personal space, and if there is one thing I need(ed) after 20 years with an active alcoholic, it was space.
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