pndm07

I just don't know who to turn to right now other than you guys. I've been posting my story around here - AH who was sober for about 3 years started picking up again over the past year. A month ago right before I had surgery and needed him he started drinking hard and I told him I'm divorcing (can't handle any of this). He stayed in his mom's apartment where she drank too (she's an A too).
He apparently checked himself into detox early this week but as of this morning, according to his mom's BF, came back to the apartment some time late last night (the lights were on) but as of this am they don't know where he is.
Meanwhile, I had a meeting with my 7 y/o son's school this morning to discuss his recent behavior problems (which coincide with this recent crisis) and had to explain the situation and that they can never release him to his father if he shows up. Fun having to explain that. They were understanding thank goodness.
I don't know how he got out of detox after only 1 day and where he is and am just so darn terrified. I know it's out of my control and none of this is in my hands I'm just scared that he's gone off and no one knows where he is and as much as I hate this situation I just don't want him to die. That's it. I don't want him to die. I know that's not in my hands either but I'm just feeling so scared. How long can someone go missing? I just hate this.
I read these boards a lot and have a lot of the literature to help me and am not questioning divorcing but I just don't want him to die. You may ask why I'm saying that all the time when that's also not in my control. But he is my child's father. Trying to remember that he's an adult in his late 30's and can't treat him like a child he's responsible for his choice but by god I don't want him to die.
Sorry for ranting I am in a crisis.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

Chances are he's holed up somewhere drinking and he will re-appear when the money runs out.

Maybe try to think about how you will respond when he does?

rae145

No need to apologize. It's very, very excruciating to think of your loved one dying. The thinking can send you into a tailspin but remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. My thoughts are with you today.

dandylion

pndm.....I do get it, that you don't want him to die....In fact, I have followed your posts. closely, and I have ASSUMED that you didn't want him to die!!...just that you were too filled with fear to go through with a divorce.....

I don't believe that many people walk around wanting someone else to die....even people that they are angry with, etc. It seems to be against nature to WANT other humans to die.....much less, someone that they know, well.

How long can they stay gone?......In my experience, it depends on how many resources they have at their disposal...especially money to buy booze or friends that will let them couch surf or supply the booze for free.....
If he has any identification on him....you or his family would be notified if anything disasterous happenes...
Detox is different than rehab. It is not unusual for those who are in detox to fly the coop. They do it all the time! When the blood alcohol reaches zero and they feel a l ittle bit better....the compulsion to drink is so strong that they leave in order to be able to drink again.......

I hope that he resurfaces, again, soon....as I realize that you and his family are very worried.....
I suspect that he is o.k.....just drinking.....

dandylion

Misssy2

Strange...wonder where he went.
Obviously he is not ready for detox.
Its so sad that when we are drinking...it doesn't matter who is hurting.

Its not that we don't care about our kids...our families..

Its just that alcohol is SO POWERFUL.

Physical withdrawal is so uncomfortable...that we don't want to feel it...and drinking makes it better for a short period of time.

Bekindalways

I hear you pnd on not wanting him to die. He probably has some wonderful characteristics.

My qualifier was an amazing man: smart, kind, sensitive. At the end of our relationship I realized he was probably going to die and the only choice I had was I could ruin my life by staying with him or choose to go on with my life. It was like doing open heart surgery on myself without anasthesia.

Keep taking care of yourself and your child to the best of your ability and if you pray, pray hard.

hopeful4

They cannot force a person to stay who does not want to. Any hospital will allow you to check yourself out unless you are on a psychiatric hold.

I know you don't want anything bad to happen to him. This is his to fight, and his to decide if he is going to fight it or not.

Sending lots of love and hugs your way. Please remember the three C's at this time, you did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it.

HopingForCure

This is exactly how it feels.

pndm07, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sending you big hugs and saying a prayer for you. You are amazing and you deserve better.
My ex did something similar once. I was traveling for work and could not reach him on his phone. Then I received a call from his cell phone that someone found his phone on the street. I frantically started calling every single hospital in that area, called the cops and reported him missing, called his brother and asked him to go look for him, only to find out later that he was at a casino all night, had a fight with someone and had lost his phone. I know exactly how you feel.

pndm07

Thank you all. I really appreciate your words. I will try to take this a minute at a time.

53500

pndm, sorry you feel so anxious. Yes you know you can't control any of this but that doesn't stop the anxiety.

It is very very unlikely he's dead. He'll resurface soon.

AnvilheadII

he went IN to detox voluntarily, which means he can leave voluntarily. please try not to fret so....it isn't helping YOU and it doesn't change the situation. he's likely off getting his drunk on somewhere, or sleeping it off. i do hope he shows up on the radar soon.........

pndm07

Thanks all. I don't know how long someone can just drink like that round the clock. it's been going on over a month. I mean it can't go on indefinitely.

FireSprite

This always surprises me too - I'm blown away at how much abuse the human body will accommodate.

((((Hugs)))) RAH was famous for those disappearing acts when he was drinking & it took me a long time to figure out how to stop reacting... everything suffered - my sleep, my decision making, etc.

What are you doing for yourself through all of this? Do you have a counselor or a group? Do you have F&F to help out with DS or just to talk if you need to? Are you getting enough sleep, hydration, general nutrition? Those things matter; remember that you can't pour from an empty cup.....please take care of you!!

redatlanta

You can certainly file a missing person's report after 24 hours.

HopingForCure

pndm07 - Hope you are doing well. Just wanted to checkin...

Big Hugs

dandylion

pndm......How are you doing...?

dandylion

pndm07

Hoping and Dandylion - thanks so much for checking in. I had quite an awful day yesterday and am still trying to recover from my insanity and the awful gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am a bit embarrassed to say that it seems AH may have not checked out of detox afterall. I got a call late yesterday from the mother's xBF saying that he thinks the mom may have been mistaken, and apologized for worrying me that morning. She didn't see AH, just saw the lights on in the apartment (or thought she saw them) and then assumed he had come home, but she may have been imagining it. Mind you she is 72 and coming off a month long bender. So her mind is not all there. It struck me as odd that he would leave since he likes to be taken care of (better them than me!), and has never left a detox early.
That said, I don't have proof, but I am not calling the detox place to find out if he's there for sure. I am still feeling sick to my stomach about all this. I hope he is alright, and that he indeed is getting help now, but really can't handle this mess, all of which was his doing. I am clearly not where I need to be yet. I am sure that I will be back with more updates as I myself have been falling off my wagon a lot lately - that of codependence, constant anxiety and worry over a grown adult who is responsible for his own decisions.
I really appreciate your concern - it means a lot to me. Hugs.

maia1234

P,
I use to say this a million times a day....

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.\

Sending hugs!!

dandylion

pndm....no need to be embarrassed. Your worry was logical, according to what you were told. too bad that you had to go through so much anxiety because of someone else's error in judgement...
I can tell you this...that whenever alcoholics are involved...there is always drama..drama..drama...!
The Crazy Train on the way to Crazy Town.....
It is enough to drive any sane person KRAZY.....

Yeah, it sounds like getting your own sanity back would be a good plan....
How can a person ever enjoy their life when they are in a constant state of anxiety and worry?
We are meant to live and thrive..not just exist.....

dandylion

AdelineRose

Do you have a counselor? Mine has truly saved me and helped to give me ways to keep myself focused on me even if i start to feel guilty or feel myself slipping. Be kind with yourself, even when we know we can't change it or know we can't live in the insanity anymore we still don't want the person to die or go missing- but that is where the healthy ways of calming yourself down- meditating, breathing exercises, yoga, keeping a journal, doing something special for yourself, I have found kick boxing classes have helped me get out a lot of pent up emotion.

I am sorry you son is suffering, when I was younger and my dad suddenly died (not drug or alcohol related) that my mom signed up for art therapy for us. Usually art therapy is done in groups and with children that are in similar situations. Just food for thought.

I hope your having a better day today, maybe do something special for yourself today?