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Please help me calm down I am stark raving mad.

AXBF is talking about me behind my back and I am JUST SO ANGRY. I called him out on it and he didn't even deny it... I want absolutely nothing to do with him.

I am fine until I have to talk to him about something and all I can feel is the anger building up inside of me. So condescending, I feel like he's trying to set me up so he can run off and tell everyone how "crazy" I still am.

He isn't just talking crap he is attacking my character. If it's true I don't deny it, I'm human, I am not perfect but the stuff he is saying is just downright horrible.

Wisconsin

Big ((HUGS)), E. This is always tough stuff soon after a relationship ends. I do know that toward the end with my STBXAH, I came to the point where I just didn't care what he said. I didn't care what he said to me, or about me. I knew the truth, and the people whose opinion matters to me know the truth. People will say what they want, and think what they want. I think your best option is to just stop communicating with him at all. You will never convince him that you are right, or that he has wronged you. No new contact = no new hurts.

Hawkeye13

Yep--his own lack of self-esteem is the real issue.
Tearing you down makes him feel better and justify things in his mind
instead of accepting the consequences of his actions honestly.
Wisconsin is right

Just don't engage, and know that those who really matter know the truth.

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How can someone who claimed to love me for close to a decade just turn on me like that? It's horrible

FireSprite

Wow, he's projecting all over you, isn't he? I know how badly that hurts... I have had that shaking-rage feeling myself. (((((HUGS)))))

Here's the worst part - the very best way to defend yourself is to just let it play out & stay mum. (honestly, in hindsight, sometimes engaging to defend myself MADE me look crazier!) Don't engage or drop the rope once you realize you have.

In time (& I won't lie, it took a LOT of time) people could see & judge for themselves that none of what he'd said about me was true. He could say whatever he wanted but they could see his behavior too, once I took myself out of the equation.

I did actually have a couple of people apologize to me, many years later... but by then I'd grown so far beyond needing their validation that it was nice but didn't matter.

Refiner

He's pushing your buttons and getting the results he wants. I know how bad it SUCKS but as hard as it is to do, don't give him the satisfaction and be made of Teflon. Others will see how it isn't true in a matter of time and he'll get bored of no reaction and stop/move on.

bluelily

Not sure if this will help... but I always thought Mia Farrow reacted wonderfully when she split up with Woody Allen. He was telling all sort of cr*p about her, while she didn´t engage. It made her look respectable, he seemed like a complete immature *ss. Of course, we can´t know for sure what/who was to blame for their breakup, but I think her attitude made her look good while he just looked bad.
I think ultimately it only matters what YOU think about yourself. And replying or worrying about someone who is behaving like that is lowering yourself to their level.

redatlanta

THIS^^^^

Its continuing because you are responding! Laugh it off. As fr as someone who loves you for a decade talking sh!t, unfortunately break ups usually aren't nice. I watched a husband drag his wife through the dirt in a way like I have never seen when she filed for divorce. No reason, they grew apart no affair, no drugs or alcohol, just became two different people. He crucified her (and they had 3 kids)! Vicious!

He'll stop when you stop being affected.

AnvilheadII

who gives a rip what HE is saying??? are those that buy into his BS going to form a lynch mob and come and drag you out of your home? will anyone who truly knows you give his blather a moment's time??

or are his words causing YOU to doubt YOURSELF? and if so, WHY?

Expanding

I realized I keep giving my power away to him. It's like a reflex at this point and I don't even realize it when it happens. I haven't been engaging and have barely been talking to him, only when needed, but he slipped it in there. I should've just ignored it and I will do better next time. I can feel I am getting stronger every day. The rose colored glasses definitely came off and this side of him is so unappealing and childish! I'm not just saying I deserve better but am really starting to believe it. Two steps forward one step back... it's those steps forward that matter most!

Hooray for coming out of the fog. Thank you for all your support as usual

Bekindalways

Argh Expanding, this really really hurts. On the other hand it does make it easier to get over the any sense of guilt, obligation or feeling sorry for him (-;

Hold tough beautiful one and come here when you need some support!