My own relapse with my alcoholic ex- boyfriend
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 1
My own relapse with my alcoholic ex- boyfriend
These boards were incredibly helpful when I was living with my ex, and while I was only a lurker then, I'm posting for the first time in an effort , to keep my own sanity and hold myself accountable.
I relapsed this weekend. After 2 years of breaking up, numerous periods of no-contact, I thought I was immune to the pull of his alcoholism-- I thought that my own issues of co-dependency were resolved, but here I am AGAIN after all the work I'd done to focus on healing myself from 6 years of an emotionally abusive relationship with an addict.
The ex called me on Friday night, said he needed a friend, and I drove over to his apartment with the excuse that I would be supportive. This is was the first time he actually said he needed treatment, that he'd hit his rock bottom and he was ready for a change.
I spent the weekend with him, and he went to his addiction counselor, attended twelve step meetings, handed over his finances to his parents, and broke up with his girlfriend. I thought, FINALLY, this is it. This is the shining moment of clarity we've all been hoping for. Boy, was I wrong.
I could feel the codie behaviors beginning Monday morning as I obsessed over whether he had been attending his graduate courses, whether or not he'd been in contact with the woman he's been in a relationship with, whether he was attending meetings, etc. I tried to suppress those familiar obsessions that had become intimate acquaintances in the last decade, or so, and there they were, creeping back every hour, every minute, every second-- the need to control the alcoholic pulls at me incessantly.
Tonight, he started texting me incessantly, and the messages were full of self-pity and anger and I knew that he had been drinking. I called him to confirm, and was met by a rambling diatribe about his (ex?) girlfriend and the drama of their relationship. I asked if he was drinking. He said yes. I said call me when you're sober.
There it was-- he is still an addict, he is not serious about recovery, and he was still using me to fill his emotional needs with no regard to my own.
So, here I am. I'm making an appointment with my counselor in the morning and attending an Al-Anon meeting. Man, what a kick in the head.
I relapsed this weekend. After 2 years of breaking up, numerous periods of no-contact, I thought I was immune to the pull of his alcoholism-- I thought that my own issues of co-dependency were resolved, but here I am AGAIN after all the work I'd done to focus on healing myself from 6 years of an emotionally abusive relationship with an addict.
The ex called me on Friday night, said he needed a friend, and I drove over to his apartment with the excuse that I would be supportive. This is was the first time he actually said he needed treatment, that he'd hit his rock bottom and he was ready for a change.
I spent the weekend with him, and he went to his addiction counselor, attended twelve step meetings, handed over his finances to his parents, and broke up with his girlfriend. I thought, FINALLY, this is it. This is the shining moment of clarity we've all been hoping for. Boy, was I wrong.
I could feel the codie behaviors beginning Monday morning as I obsessed over whether he had been attending his graduate courses, whether or not he'd been in contact with the woman he's been in a relationship with, whether he was attending meetings, etc. I tried to suppress those familiar obsessions that had become intimate acquaintances in the last decade, or so, and there they were, creeping back every hour, every minute, every second-- the need to control the alcoholic pulls at me incessantly.
Tonight, he started texting me incessantly, and the messages were full of self-pity and anger and I knew that he had been drinking. I called him to confirm, and was met by a rambling diatribe about his (ex?) girlfriend and the drama of their relationship. I asked if he was drinking. He said yes. I said call me when you're sober.
There it was-- he is still an addict, he is not serious about recovery, and he was still using me to fill his emotional needs with no regard to my own.
So, here I am. I'm making an appointment with my counselor in the morning and attending an Al-Anon meeting. Man, what a kick in the head.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Mardou
"Progress, not perfection," as they say in the program.
You are doing fine. You recognized the old pattern and extricated yourself quickly. I am sure there are thousands who have gone back and are still trapped.
Keep coming back!
"Progress, not perfection," as they say in the program.
You are doing fine. You recognized the old pattern and extricated yourself quickly. I am sure there are thousands who have gone back and are still trapped.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Be thankful you recognize this and what you are in need of to remedy the situation. It tuly is something worth being grateful for when you think back to a time when there was no understanding of the things that drive your codependent ways, or the fact you were a codependent. At least that ship can be turned around with a little work. Be easy on yourself and maybe give yourself a little pat on the back for this recognition. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
I understand what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my XAH. Finally for my own sanity I have gone no contact and I am thankful that I did. I can not help him but going no contact helped me a lot!
You were trying to help him and be a supportive friend. As someone once said...let no good deed go unpunished.
I had to learn from my own experiences what did and did not work for me.
I wish you the best.
You were trying to help him and be a supportive friend. As someone once said...let no good deed go unpunished.
I had to learn from my own experiences what did and did not work for me.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Pshh, relapse - schmelapse.
Sounds like you had a slip - and are taking the immediate and necessary steps to get back on the wagon. You see it for what it was, it was short lived, and you want to go back to your healthier life. Go easy on yourself - GOOD JOB recognizing and taking steps to recover from it!
Sounds like you had a slip - and are taking the immediate and necessary steps to get back on the wagon. You see it for what it was, it was short lived, and you want to go back to your healthier life. Go easy on yourself - GOOD JOB recognizing and taking steps to recover from it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Kudos-you learned from a mistake....ain't nothing wrong with that! What is one of the lovely things people say on this board: when you know better, you do better! Hugs to you....I know, KNOW, that feeling of wanting to believe so very badly and hoping beyond hope only to be let down again. They literally cannot care about us/our feelings bc it's too much work just to try and take care of themselves.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I thought, FINALLY, this is it. This is the shining moment of clarity we've all been hoping for
You jumped the minute he said jump which means you are holding onto a wishful relationship with this man 2 years after its been over.
It's good you are going to counseling and al-anon hopefully both will help you to truely let go of an idea of a loving mutually caring relationship with him that you are holding onto.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ great words of wisdom. I held onto a fantasy of a good caring loving relationship with my then husband as well-until I realized his issues/demons/alcoholism did not allow him to be in an adult relationship ( you know with things like trust, God, intimacy, empathy-those things don't exist in the alcoholics world)....he knows he has you hooked! Break the chains! Maybe you can revisit him/the relationship if he ever gets sober....if you are meant to reconnect, you will. Peace to you today!
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