Liveitwell

I've heard the exact same thing from my ex-word for word-for years before we divorced. I can and did-I found my voice and took care of myself. You can and are doing the same thing. Words are just words. Bravo to you!!

Gemlitigate

Ugh I just got home to a handwritten letter from him. Apologizing for hurting me and for not being able to meet my needs. And that he misses me and the kids. And . . I'm hysterically crying again.

Uplifting

I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster ride you are on right now, just wanted to say I can relate to that even if my situation differs some, the feelings are so similar it makes me want to cry along with you.. Sending some peace and comfort whenever you feel ready to make those changes for yourself. I am in my process of trying too!

Eauchiche

Sorry to sound a tad cynical here, but I wonder if they all go to a special school to learn this stuff.

There are many stories of people who were propelled into sobriety rather than lose their mates.

I think you can interpret the sorrow of hurting you as a "quack." If he were REALLY sorry, this would motivate change.

I agree with you that this hurts more than h*ll. I still go through days like this after a year and a half.

Fact is, they chose the bottle over us....

FeelingGreat

Gem, I know it's a big ask but it would help if you request he doesn't contact you again. It just keeps picking off the scab.

He's saying he can't change, but I'm sure he knows he has a drinking problem, and you can change a drinking habit, so more accurately he won't change, either through fear or comfort or whatever. Many people choose to stop drinking but the most successful have a strong core of self-esteem that doesn't like themselves as alcoholics, and he may not be at that point.

The shutting down and excluding you could also be dealt with, but therapy might not be his priority.

Gemlitigate

Feelinggreat, when we broke up a few weeks ago, I did ask that he not contact me. The letter I received was the first and last I guess. I am of course not responding or even acknowledging that I received it. Once again - selfish. He wrote it I'm sure to clear his conscience and give himself closure, make himself feel better about doing the right thing. Disregarding who it would hurt in the process.

Liveitwell

He can't see beyond his alcoholic lens/blinders. I'm so sorry for your pain...truly. I still have my days too and I'm over 7 months out from divorce and it is hell sometimes when the feelings come up! Just feel them, don't stuff them-but when dealing with an alcoholic you just let your head make the decisions as your heart is broken right now. Who knows! Maybe he will get help, maybe not. Either way-YOU are going to be okay peace to you today!!

maybear

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.
It is normal to question yourself, leaving a relationship, but to leave one with an alcoholic leaves you with even more questions. It's hard to get your head around how they could let the people they love slip through their fingers and choose that way of life. You can't apply rational thinking to an alcoholic though, addiction is at the centre of their world and everything else is on the perimeter. Their brain is also altered by the alcohol.
When you start to question things, remember that no one wants a relationship with someone they love to end. It must have been pretty bad for you to make that decision, it's not a light one, and particularly when you still love him. Things would have had to of been really terrible.
It is fresh right now and you are grieving but what you are feeling is normal, not an indicator that you made the wrong decision.

redatlanta

QUACK I doubt this man is trying to alleviate his conscience because I don't think he feels guilty. You are the problem (you want him to quit drinking) not him (he may drink too much but he's still a great guy!!). I call this action fishing - trying to manipulate a response and contact out of you by pulling at your heart strings he throws out the bait and waits for you to bite.. The goal here is for you to come back - if he was done with this you wouldn't hear BOO from him.

Just remind yourself this was simple to solve, he has a drinking problem and refuses to do anything about it. If he had things would be different. If he misses you so much then why not change? Simple, he wants his cake and eat it too and that's the problem with being in a relationship with an active A - there is no cake for you, only for them.

Liveitwell

^^ yep.

alybally

Ugh, I just wrote a lengthy detailed response and somehow I had been logged off midway so it's gone. Short response is everyone here is spot on. It will get much worse. He may be really high functioning now and his decline is slow at the moment, but he will eventually lose control and spiral they all do.

I am a securities partner in a national law firm. I too am like you. So, you are not alone. I ask the same question. My ex is also a lawyer. He eventually threatened me saying he would embarrass me to my firm and try to have me fired. Try to have me disbarred (when I haven't done a thing naturally!). Just because I wouldn't stay with him or stop talking to his mom.

Read my threads if you are interested and you will get the gist. You are out so stay out and you will be better for it. It's SO hard I know because you miss the good parts of them and the wonderful times you had.

unsureoffuture

It helped me to make a list of all the things wrong in our relationship. Especially all the things I hated about him being an A and how it affected me. I kept it in my purse and would pull that out when I was feeling sad and remembering the good times. It was a pretty quick jolt back to reality.