Timetoheal12

But, can A's have healthy, meaningful relationships?

And what about codies?

Ap052183

I ask this question a lot. I think an alcoholic...unless in recovery... can only have a relationship with a massive codependent, which i dont think makes a healthy relationship. This is just my opinion but I've lived it and seen it every romantic relationship in my family. Alcoholics/addicts take a lot and who else would put up with that?
I get scared a lot that I'll do the same thing in my next relationship.

AnvilheadII

no. healthy people are not addicted to substance or to other persons. healthy persons are self sufficient and autonomous. they are right sized in relationship with the rest of the planet.

alcoholics are tornadoes and codies run behind them with a dustpan and a whisk broom.

happybeingme

An active alcoholic cannot have a normal relationship. The addiction takes priority over everything including their own health.

Neither can a codependent. A codependent must have someone they can rescue or fix.

Now if either are in recovery that individual in time can. With my own experiences I would not get involved with an alcoholic unless they had ten years in good recovery. For a cody Maybe after a year of intense therapy and group support. But these are my opinions only based on my experience.

Both codies and alcoholics are extremely ill people .

LexieCat

Not while they're still drinking, or white-knuckling. Post-recovery, sure.

redatlanta

Curious, why do you ask?

healthyagain

It is absolutely impossible. Dynamics of such relationships is sickening.

An alcoholic needs a fixer, kinda like a personal secretary, and a codie needs someone to fix and in a way enjoys the role. It is a match made in heaven (hell)?
Alcoholics and codies fulfill each other in a very twisted way.

Timetoheal12

Red:
I asked this after attending to basically my first Al-Anon meeting today.
I am afraid to stay feeling attracted to guys who are only bad news. But I'm also afraid to exaggerate.

A guy asked me out recently but he seemed cocky and lazy, he also drinks. So I was like "ugh, no". But even with this, I still feel affected by the relationship with exabf, still feel like I was at fault for his acts towards me.

It's weird.
I only want to forget him and believe in myself.

I want to be able to love and accept love, a healthy love.

I was also curious about him.
He seems like he is getting worse.
But... I can't (and don't want to) be a part of that...

iGirl66

Active alkies, no. As far as true codependants go, no. I say true codependants in the same way one might say alcoholic as opposed to problem drinker. The problem that I see with both labels is that the have become convoluted due to overuse and misinterpretation not to mention organizations and people with their own agendas.

For example, when courts sentence people to AA for a first offense, they are
Labeling all who drink and get into trouble as an alcoholic. I've even had an AA old timer suggest the rare drinks after work i used to have might be the start of a problem that I should "just keep an eye on it". I think he wanted me to be an alkie honestly.

Same with codependants. Given the exhaustive "symptoms" laid out by Melody B., who isn't ? Not everyone who wants to help or sticks with an addict is sick. But, it does lessen the sting for the alcoholic if they can point to their loved ones and call them sick too doesn't it? I have read some threads in the other forums where recovering a's have nothing but contempt for the people who loved them at their lowest because they were just sick controlling Codie's. Not the people who didn't let them choke on their own vomit like Jimi Hendricks, just Codie's.

It's all a matter of degrees

redatlanta

If you find that you are attracted to problem people then you most definitely want to get to the bottom of that issue before moving forward with another relationship,

As far as alcoholics and relationships - I suppose it depends on what the partner defines a "good relationship" as. I think it also depends on the progression of the alcoholism certainly we have seen folks state that they knew their partners were alcoholics when they married, but it was later when the A progressed that the relationship fell apart. In other words there probably are periods of time within an "addict" relationship that it could be good.

Progression is the key word here. Not only for the alcoholism but for the natural course of growth of a relationship. If one partner cannot progress in goals for the relationship then naturally the relationship takes a hit.

So in the end I vote no, eventually the alcoholism or addiction will kill the relationship. I also agree with igirl66 codependency can have the exact same effects.