Gracie12

It's been close to a year and still here I am in my same boat. I can't move on from him. We aren't together but still keep contact and I just can't break of it. I miss him. I don't know if I should just accept his problems or not. Sad part is I don't even know if I'm truly in love with him or just don't want to feel sad anymore. I've tried dating sites to move on but can't find anyone I'm interested in. Pathetic

BDG4488

It's not easy moving on. For me it was hard because I was in love with the idea of who I thought the addict ex was. I liked the long distance (bi-national) aspect. However, the reality was not appealing at all.

What helped me was going 100 percent no contact. I read several books and articles on the subject and read this forum almost daily. No contact can provide peace and clarity. For me, it's been since summer 2014 that I started no contact immediately following the break up. I came out of it briefly twice (once at 6 months and again at 15 months), but both times I quickly regretted it and returned to no contact.

Most recently, I received an amends email that I responded to. Even that didn't end well because the addict ex is the same - only now that I'm no longer in love, I see all the unattractive traits and I don't want any part of it. I doubt I'll ever respond again should I get another email.

I wish you strength and peace. It's not easy, but no contact (and keeping a no contact journal) really helped me move on. This was my first (and hopefully last) experience with addiction.

honeypig

Gracie, it sounds to me like you have some work to do on yourself. You said you were "looking for someone else to help you to move on from this guy." How about just being YOU for a while? Needing to have someone just to have someone is unfortunately going to get the kind of results that you've been getting. Replacing one BF/partner/spouse w/another right away is usually a recipe for disaster.

As others have pointed out, the behaviors of this guy are NOT those of a thoughtful, caring, responsible adult. Why would you want to partner up w/someone who isn't, at the very least, those things, and hopefully much more?

You might find some good reading in this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-die-hard.html

redatlanta

I agree with Honeypig - you need to do some work on yourself. Finding a replacement person isn't going to solve the issues of picking men who don't treat you well - that's a YOU problem.

Have you been to Al Anon?

Liveitwell

^ agreed. Trying to find someone to fill the emptiness in you is not the right solution. Finding out why you feel empty IS. I second AlAnon or celebrate recovery. Addicts like to keep you roped in. I would recommend no contact as well-for your peace and happiness. Maybe he gets his stuff together down the road and you two can talk (I'm talking years here)....or he doesn't. Either way, YOU will be in a much happier place. Peace to you!

teatreeoil007

Being the more mature and responsible one can be a lonely place...I know several women who are the bread winner or make more money than their husbands. A lot those relationships do work out, but I also see some them being the bread winner while the husband isn't doing much to help out around the home and such. Some put up with it indefinitely and for some there are addiction problems to add to the mix. I remember when I was a newly wed -we'd been married for 9 months. I was working full timeplus++ on night shift...working my butt off and dealing with being on graveyard shift...my husband was going to college full time to finish up his degree; which he did thankfully...He graduated at the end the school year in May and said to me one day, "I'd like to take the summer off. I fee like I really need that. College has been hard and I just feel like I need a break." I was feeling I needed a break too as my career is stressful and I was fairly new at it. But, someone had to work to pay the bills....

EEeek! Oh*My*Gosh!!

I basically threw a coniption fit because saw this as so unfair with me being the bread winner at the time. I told him he had 2 weeks to get a job or the marriage was over. He took me serious and by golly he had a job within 2 weeks! I don't know if giving him an ultimatum was the right thing to do or not, but I nipped his kind of thinking in the bud.....

Bernadette777

Hi Gracie12,
Honey, I have been there so much. I once had a friend once tell me, "give time, time" your healing will come to fruition dear. I think we sometimes miss the "being in love" vibe. But we gotta remember and (be honest with ourselves here) what is the feeling we feel- "is it love? Was it really that great when you were together? And finally..are you just feeling lonely?

remember babe, we can't make their issues our issues. If he chooses to get help - and I think that's a key thing here, him choosing to do so... well then fine, great. But we gotta remember that while he's doing his thing - regardless of what that may be- girly, you gotta do you too. Live joyful in your life. The healing of a hurt heart can be long & vast sometimes. I KNOW. the pain sucks. But the pain fades in time. I promise you. I've learned from a past relationship with an A ex bf that if his lifestyle choices, that is booze & substances & enabling friends are more important than me or us as a couple - then he can have it. If you love him, then love from a distance- but remember his choice to stay addicted upped your relationship. You don't need that, you deserve much better. It's waiting darlin' give it time. Your in my prayers, God bless you. Love, Bernadette 777

Gracie12

Bernadette this spoke volumes to me and I can't help but feel your genuine sincere heartfelt words. Thank you so much

Bernadette777

You're welcome honey, i meant every word. Let me share something with you, I remember 2 weekends in a row when I was going out with my ex Abf- he ran into a fast food place on the way back to my house (his usual Every weekend after he drank so very much) anyway, here I was sitting in his car praying to God above to protect me and just let him go to sleep when we got back to my house) - I was sickened by the amount he drank when we were out -( that is once the alcoholism showed itself.) and I was repulsed to think of being with him intimately those evenings. I didn't want to have him near me- I just wanted him to sleep it off and go home. Anyway, I still think about that moment from time to time. And even though that memory reminds me that I'm very blessed that the relationship ended, I sometimes would like to hit myself in the head when I think about how "I missed him" after we broke up. So my reality check is, " I pined away for a guy who I prayed would go home" - thank God for answered prayers. Stay strong darlin' you'll be fine. It takes time, but when the healing of a hurt heart comes to you, you realize you're free of the drama that goes with a individual addicted to alcohol or substances. Again, I pray for you, My prayers are with you. I hope this helps even a bit more. Thank you for the kind complimentative words. It comes from the heart.God bless you.luv,Bernadette

vacationgirl

He might be a good guy who is an alcoholic. And alcoholics tend to do things where they can drink. Sit at home playing games, and have a roof over their heads, and have someone feeding them, etc. I was in the same boat, but if was a very long time ago. I finally decided I was accepting the unacceptable for the sake of "love." I had to make a very HONEST list of the things that were unacceptable. I would even move things off the unacceptable list, add them back, take them off, add them back, lol. I think in our guts we know what is truly unacceptable but we let our emotions make our decisions and I have found that is not always the wise thing to do. Hoping you can get past the emotions soon, and know you are doing the wise thing.