sorcharuane

Hi all, I haven't posted in a little while. I am now 3 weeks out of the relationship with the alcoholic. It's not totally no contact, an odd time I will respond to texts if he sounds sober, only to say that I can't get back into the relationship unless he gets help with his drink problem and some sober time under his belt. The intense pain and longing of the last couple of on/off months seems to have passed, I thank my Higher Power for that, there were times when I thought I wouldn't survive it. Now it's just some pangs now and again, weekends are worst, but I am starting to fill my life with more positive people and things. It helps that my first grandchild was born 2 weeks ago, even though she lives a 2 hour journey from me and I can't see her all the time, just the thought of her little face warms my heart!

The last straw, the final nail in the coffin for me:
My ex always liked to make me jealous. Being insanely jealous himself, if I mentioned another man's name, a friend, someone at work, whatever, he would straight away threaten to go off with someone else. months ago he threatened to go off with a woman I work with. I asked him not to ever go for someone I work with, it would make life very awkward for me. What I couldn't tell him was that I actually work as a therapist with this woman's child. As we were arguing by text just before we broke up he told me he had been with this woman all the time for a couple of weeks when we were not talking. I took it with a pinch of salt, didn't believe it, thought it was just another of his little mind games.

But the next time I worked with this woman's child it was in the back of my mind and she said something that made me wonder. When I got home I texted my ex and said I really need to know for my work if anything happened. I felt I could not work properly in an unbiased way with the child while I had this doubt in my mind. First he said no, then he said yes. I felt the only way I was going to get an honest answer was to ask the woman herself. I didn't want to but it seemed it was that or stop working with her child. I can't express how hurt and angry I was at being put in this position. But I did it. I explained to her why, showed her the texts he sent me. I wasn't accusing her at all, I really didn't believe anything had happened and it hadn't. She doesn't even know him. So there was another innocent person brought into his stupid behaviour as well as my work being compromised. It was an eyeopener to just how far he would go to try to drive me crazy. Is he insane as well as an alcoholic? That's what I'm beginning to wonder. I never told him I asked her. I had an image of myself during a meditation as a puppet with my strings being pulled by someone who's out of his mind with vodka and spitefulness. It's made it so much easier to stay away. It takes what it takes I suppose. God help us all.

hopeful4

I find that most very jealous alcoholics are jealous of their partner b/c they themselves are doing things that they then suspect the partner of doing the same, if that makes sense LOL. In other words, my X was always jealous and assuming that I was cheating on him, because he is a cheater himself.

As many say, alcohol is just one symptom of a very disturbed personality. I definitely agree with this.

The last straw for me was that my X came at me and pushed me, and said awful things about me, while drunk, in front of our children. I literally put my hand on his chest and backed him out the door, said don't come back, ever, and that was that. I knew it was coming, I guess I was just waiting.

Hugs to you. Stay strong.

ResignedToWait

My last straw was getting a phone call from my drunken AW that our 3 year old was missing…and when I told her to put our 6 year old on the phone…our 6 y/o told me that “Oh mommy just fell asleep again after she handed me the phone”. I called the police (I was four hours away)…3 y/o was asleep in his bed, everyone was safe. I filed (and was given) full legal & physical custody the next morning in an emergency protective hearing.

The off-handed way that she said he was missing, and the tone of her voice in how she didn’t even seem to care…coupled with her falling asleep while she thought our child was missing…still sends shivers down my back. That’s when I really realized that she’d never get ahead of her addiction, and it was time to cut my losses and get the heck out of dodge.

atalose

The final straw for me was ME accepting that the man I fell in love with wasn’t coming back. And that no amount of rehab or recovery for him was going to fill my fears that relapse wasn’t waiting right around the corner.

On again, off again, clean again, using again…………I needed off that ride for good.

SeriousKarma

I didn't really have a "final straw". I had been collecting straws for years, and was already pretty sure that our marriage was unretrievable. What I needed was a piece of string to bundle all of those straws together.

That piece of string came from the woman he's currently living with.

I had been feeling a bit insecure. He's a good-looking man. Intelligent, articulate and witty on his good days. I had begun thinking that maybe I wasn't young enough, or successful enough, to compete with the the other women he was attracted to.

Then, on the heels of a break up with his previous girlfriend (A truly lovely woman who, at the time, was dealing with her own demons) he jumped into a relationship with this latest woman. She's the antithesis of everything he's ever claimed to value in a person. It boggled my mind at first. Still does. But through this I gained some important insight.

It wasn't about me. It had never been about me. I had never been lacking in anything. He wasn't running away from me. He was running toward something. Some unattainable, mysterious quality that he's lacking in, and hopes he can find in someone else. Anyone else.

And that was it. The string I needed to bind up all of those straws I had been collecting was the knowledge that his problems were his alone. They had nothing to do with me at all.

daydreamer0217

wow, interesting stories from all of you. Well, he has cheated, and lied and stole from me. but what honestly brought me to the point of no contact was his drinking buddies posting nasty things about me on facebook and he did nothing, said nothing. He sat there and watched these people crucify me, and he did nothing. I know it sound crazy, because life with an alcoholic is so chaotic, but that is what drove me to no contact. I just could not do another day of no respect.

Kboys

A similar thread was started in September last year... what I posted then is below.

I posted this and then I let AH come back home five days later, AH is dry since then.
Oh, Kboys.... if I could go back to the day I posted this, having the strength I have now, and knowing what I know now... I would not have let him come home.

At this point, I guess I'm still waiting for the string to bundle the straws, as Serious K put it...

I've had so many incidents with AH that I thought were my "last straw" and then I've let him come back...
But my most recent one was him threatening to murder me. I had him locked out of the house, but he squeezed in through the doggie door, and came upstairs where the kids and I were sleeping, and began threatening my life, telling me the ways in which he would like to murder me, and burn my parents house down. This went on for about 30 minutes. While I don't THINK he would follow through with anything like that, I really don't know. He has done so many things drunk that I never thought he would have been capable of doing... so you just never know

Refiner

So if he stops drinking for awhile, you'd go back to this insanely jealous person that threatens you to run off with someone you know for spite just because you said a male's name? Those are two separate issues, IMO. And he doesn't sound like a very healthy or fun partner. I wouldn't be able to stand for it.

lizatola

I didn't have a truly 'last straw' as it was more of an accumulation of things that just built up over the years. I hit my bottom like it was a slow fall through purgatory instead of a fast free fall into Hell. I had to burn slowly on the way down and continued to get burned until I slowly clawed my way up and out. For me, it really was about working my own recovery, finding my own strength, and learning to listen to my CORE values and beliefs to the point where I could trust that intuition.

I knew the marriage was over years ago; but I had to find the inner strength to leave. I am happier and have so much more joy than I ever did while I lived with him. I know it was the right thing to do, but I also know that it was the erosion of the foundation of trust and security in our marriage that really did us in. It wasn't the DUI, it wasn't the lying, it wasn't the drinking itself, and it wasn't the alcoholic/narcissistic attitudes and behaviors....it was all those things being dumped into a vat and mixed around over and over and over again that really led me to find my way out.

Nero427

My last straw was my wife shooting a hole in the floor on New Years Eve. Police were called, reports were filed. I spoke with an attorney and got the divorce ball rolling. And she finally got serious with her sobriety. 5 months sober so far so good.

LittleBirds3

Mine was like what some of y'all are describing - no real "last straw," but just a slow death by 1000 paper cuts.

But the day I told him he has to move out. After all the nights he came home 2 hours later than he said he would, or never came home at all. And if I DARED be upset about him running late or not coming home, he got mad because I was "trying to control him" or "no big deal, it isn't like he was at a strip club or with another girl" or "I knew he was at so-and-so's house, so why does it matter what time he got home."

One Sunday, a neighbor was throwing a party at 2 pm. I told AXH I would take the kids to the party and he could stay home and "relax," but in exchange, could he watch the kids from about 9-1 so I could meet a friend for brunch and go shopping. I KNOW I said we would be home around 1, because I knew it would take about 45 minutes to get the kids ready for the party (especially the baby) and get to the party - and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my friend. Anyway, we ended up running late and I couldn't text him to tell him because my phone died. When I got home, he had this grin on his face like he "got me." And started berating me for being more than an hour late and that if HE was more than an hour late, there would be hell to pay, etc.... First of all, I was 15 minutes late, not an hour (and he kept insisting I said I would be home at noon - I didn't I said 1), second of all, he wasn't worried, concerned, didn't wonder if I was OK - even though it is not at all like me to be late and he thought I was more than an hour late - he was just happy that he finally "caught" me and had something to use against me.

That isn't love, its a hostage situation.

FireSprite

That was a great thread; I participated in it as well:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ast-straw.html

And I'll copy/paste my reply here like Kboys so you don't have to go digging if you don't want to:

Liveitwell

LittleBirds3-I literally could have written the same thing word for word...absolutely awful! Like being married to a five year old.

PuzzledinTX

The straw that broke the camel's back for me with my father was when he spread a rumor around that I wasn't his - then lied and denied he'd said any such thing. Sorry, but bye-byyyeee!

guava

From the September 2014 thread referred to above...

"AH" is XAH now...

sorcharuane

Thanks all for the replies, it's so hard to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. Refiner to answer your question, the thing is he doesn't do any of this stuff when he's not drinking. But also I'm not sure I would go back now even if he got into recovery. It's like atalose posted, I think now that I would always be waiting for the next relapse and I am clear I don't want any more of this behaviour. I have begun to feel there is something better out there for me, and even if there isn't I'm better off on my own. The terrible fear of being alone seems to have passed thankfully.

noinsanity2423

I think the last straw for me was when we were drinking with her Dad. She argued with him and said some really mean things, at which point, he pulled out a gun. He threatened to kill himself, and I had to take the gun away from him to keep him from hurting anyone. I wrestled him for the gun, and it pointed in the direction of my ex fiancé briefly, then myself, as I twisted it out of his hands. I saw my life flash before my eyes. After that, I saw things differently, and I decided that I didn't want to marry into that family. It didn't stop there. I called the cops, and I tried to get my ex fiancé to leave with me, but she was so drunk and irrational that she wanted to stay. She disrespected the police when they arrived on scene, and I found myself apologizing for her behavior. She wanted to go back to make sure the dogs were okay, but I told her we needed to get out of there and run for our lives---I just took a gun from her Dad. She had the nerve to call me a "coward" and another name because I didn't want to listen to her and go back. I got so angry at her for calling me that because I had just put my life on the line for her. She didn't even thank me for it. I realized that no matter what I did, it would never be enough.

Cleo1234

For me the last straw was when i found out he was continuing to talk to a girl he dated after i had told him multiple times how badly it hurt me. I was dealing with so much fear and anxiety over his monthly binge drinking, that to add the fear of cheating to the mix just took me over the edge. I knew i couldn't handle it any longer. Even though the break up was initiated by me, it has still been very hard for me. Its now been 9 months and still struggling at times.

healthyagain

The last straw for me was when he said we were not even married (we have been, not in church, for 8 years). It basically was a bomb, not the straw.

Been livin separately for 3 days. This is heaven.

NoctambuleKMM

I agree with the "1000 papercuts" sentiment. There were a dozens of nights of verbal abuse combined with absolute denial of being under the influence of drugs/alcohol, all lies. Finally we talked about taking some time apart, and we agreed on him going back home states away to be with friends and family for a bit, while working on being more independent, holding a job, etc. Then instead of finding a job he went on a bender and nearly drank himself to death and he's in rehab now. I'm proud that he's taking action to improve himself, but the damage has been done over a course of years. I think the papercuts finally cut through the marriage.