AnvilheadII

reddog, he has a drinking problem and you have a problem with his drinking.

its that simple. he says he chooses to drink, he admits to sneaking additional booze.....but he does not say anything about wanting to CHANGE that behavior.

this is who he is......not who you want him to be or who you think he COULD be if.......THIS is what you get. NOW.

SR is for YOU - this is your source of support. he isn't interested in support for sobriety. keep this place your sanctuary....you need it.

i'm curious why you choose to stay with someone who has "monster like and aggressive" behaviors? usually we get away from people who exhibit those behaviors.

redatlanta

I understand alcoholism.

I really don't think he does because.....

But what you don't know is that when I bought the wine, I bought 3 mini bottles of vodka. That was before I had a single drink. I made a conscious decision to get drunk.

He is trying to give you an explanation that this was his decision; therefore, it somehow alleviates his issues from alcoholic to problem drinker.

I made a conscious decision to get drunk.

So I have I. I am not an alcoholic. This does not mean anything other than he decided to get drunk.

I chose to get hammered and you should hate me for that, not feel sorry for me."

AHA! If there is anything here indicative of the alcoholic PERSONALITY this ^^^ is it. He is quacking. Quack Quack Quack

NO I would not tell him you are on here. You found this site - If your A wants help i Guarantee you he knows how to google.

I know this is stressful. I am sorry for that. Stay strong and keep posting.

RedDog735

redatlanta, why cant I see that he is quacking?

firebolt

I think every situation is a little different. Abf knows I attend Alanon meetings and he knows i have a forum family. He knows i have these resources because things ive learned here come up once in a while when we talk. He is on a motorcycle forum...he talks to me about it as well. He knows about Alanon because we tell eachother where we are going. I would NEVER tell him the name of this place. Should he ever seek help for his addiction, he can find this haven the same way i did. He doesnt need to know im here and i wouldnt want to know he is.

Hes asked me what each is for, my answer was "they are support that i need for several aspects of my life." Its been left at that. I assume he knows what alanon is.

Weve never had a say in what the other does. If he ever tried to tell me i shouldnt be a part of either, it would go on the quack list.

Clearly many people are in a situation where its better not to disclose, i totally get it. I think it just depends on the level and type of 'monster' we are each dealing with and our motives for disclosure.

redatlanta

Because you love him.
Because you want to help him.
Because you believe him.
Because you feel sorry for him
Because he knows how to push your buttons.
Because you are invested.
Because you still think you can fix him.
Because the alternative is to break up.
Because you have hope.
Because you are romanticizing his addiction
Because you are lonely
Because you planned a future with him
Because you don't really "get" alcoholism
Because you aren't sure he is an alcoholic.

Nobody here expects you to grasp all of it. I didn't expect you would really break up with him. I doubt anyone did. Humans can't just be told we have to find out things for ourselves. We all think our addict is terminally unique. I know I did.

You may get back with him soon. It might be great. He may not drink.....for a day or maybe a month. He may make lots of promises.

Just stay here and keep educating yourself. Know that we have all been where you are.

Sometimes you just have to figure it out for yourself painful as it is.

RedDog735

I can relate most to you and redatlanta's postings. Please keep checking up on me ( if that isn't too much to ask) but I will continue posting.

RedDog735

I just got off of the phone with him. I refuse to get optimistic. I refuse to think he is going to change. I refuse to tell him any details about the website. I got close to revealing, but I instead said "I do not want to talk about it right now."

I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart. I will continue to post.

cookiesncream

I'm going to play "Monday morning quarterback" from the other side. First, I agree with others, I'd say no about sharing this site for all the above mentioned reasons. Second, saying we're an alcoholic means that we need to do something and we are a stubborn lot and tend to dig in until we can't anymore. Third, I would say, if you haven't already, in clear non confrontational tone (write it out if you like), that his drinking is affecting your relationship therefore it is a problem for you and you are educating yourself on alcohol because it is affecting your relationship. Now he well still deny he has a problem, and likely will, but that way you are honest with your feelings without picking a fight. He won't like it but at least you're clear with your thoughts and are keeping "your side of the street" clean. I'll admit that I'm a little surprised that with two DUI's under his belt that he wasn't flat out forced into some kind of treatment program in order to keep is licence. When I went through IOP (intensive outpatient) there were a TON of people that were there because they had to be there. Now that is not to say they were there happily and plenty felt like they didn't have a problem, but they were facing the fact that drinking was having an impact on their lives at the very least.

redatlanta

I'm glad to hear you did not share with him about the website.

Couple of things to keep in mind. His refusal to acknowledge that he has (at the very least) a drinking problem is probably based on how he perceives an alcoholic to "BE". They don't have jobs, they are not successful, they drink all day everyday, they wake up with the shakes, they aren't responsible, they are losers, AND HE ISN"T THAT. This is why we say alcohol is a disease of denial. Cookies is right on - acknowledgment of the problem means he needs to do something about it. In his mind whatever his personal description is of an alcoholic he isn't meeting the metric. The biggest red flag to me that you have written was that he voiced that when he got drunk IT WAS HIS CHOICE, he bought the vodka completely sober and made a choice that he was getting drunk. Quack. This IMO is your boyfriend's denial in that he believes if he is actively choosing to get drunk that is different than an alcoholic. A true alcoholic in his mind doesn't make those choices; therefore, he is not one. Denial denial denial.

Secondly, you haven't mentioned it so it may not be applicable, but should he choose to keep on keeping on (which is most likely), it is not a reflection of whether he loves you or how great a person/girlfriend you are. We think that if someone loves us enough and is faced with losing us then the logical answer is to stop the destructive behavior. Alcoholism is not logical. The alcoholic does not think in these terms at all - they think in terms of how to keep the partner/spouse and well as the booze. It can be a very long dance inclusive of a string of promises and curbing behavior for periods of time, only to return at some point back to where they started. Alcoholics can get very perturbed when things don't go their way. Do not be surprised if his current apologetic stance and willfulness to accept "punishment" changes if you decide not to cooperate. At some point this may be all your fault according to him. I don't know that will happen, but be prepared for it nonetheless. Its common.

cookiesncream

Just to put a different slant on things and I in no way mean to be disrepectful, but think of it this way. If you identify as being co-dependent as many on this forum are, go through a list of co-dependent behaviors you identify with and ask yourself what you get out of each behavior. Then ask yourself if this means you don't love other people due to each one of your own behaviors. Food for thought....

knowthetriggers

I cannot add much to what you have already heard. Just enforce that you have gotten some really SOLID suggestions and help here. I hope you keep coming back, stay focused on your recovery.

dandylion

RedDog....It might be very illuminating for you to take a look at the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Especially, the one titled: "Addiction, Lies and Relationships".
You can find a series of his articles on bma-wellness.com....under the heading of "pychiatry and wellness".
This will give you a "view" of the workings of the alcoholic mind. These are the best that I have ever read on the subject. It explained a lot, for me, and enabled me to fit a lot of pieces into the puzzle. It took a lot of pressure off my shoulders that I had been carrying around.
You can find these by a google search.

dandylion

HopefulElle

I agree with everyone. Don't tell him about SR. From your account, he doesn't sound anywhere near to accepting he has a problem. All I can see him doing on SR is following you, and probably getting really angry in the process. You might pay a price for it later. You have already given this guy (?) years of your life, and a chunk of your soul. Keep the one thing that has provided you with some support for YOU. I hate making blanket statements but the chance of him using SR to get help for himself is about zero. If he gets to the point where he wants help, there are many resources available to him, all very easy to find without your assistance. I totally get the desire to present him with help and hope he will then take it. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. It won't help him, and will only serve to draw you further into HIS disease. I really feel your pain, RedDog. I agree with Dandylion: educating yourself about alcoholism is critical. Try this: everytime you think about your bf's drinking today, shift your focus onto something just for YOU. Don't do this with any judgement attached, just awareness. You might not be very successful at first but keep trying. The more you can take space from him and his drinking, and be at peace with yourself, the more clarity you are going to find. You can't think and plan your way out of this situation. The only way through it is by detaching--even if you stay with him.

AliWProk

You don't have to do or say anything. You can come here for support. He can find his own way.

Refiner

No way. Unless you want him to stalk you here then throw things in your face.