Newcomer - Confused on next step living with HighFunctioning Alcoholic
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
This is child abuse. Unfortunately there is no other way to put it.
He simply cannot be trusted to drive them ever unless he is willing to install a sobriety interlock on his car.
I recently lost a daughter and trust me it is something you never want to go through.
He simply cannot be trusted to drive them ever unless he is willing to install a sobriety interlock on his car.
I recently lost a daughter and trust me it is something you never want to go through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
Thanks for everyones insite, support, straightforwardness and hugs. A lot of emotions for sure reading this. I do know tonight I will be sitting down with him when he gets home from work. I know I have to do what is best for the kids and me. What ever comes out of it with him, is really out of my control.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Always had problems with "functioning" alcoholic. I've seen the so called functioning alcoholic in action at home and work and high functioning they were not.
Many say if one ignores consequences that's a problem. Apparently the "high functioning" alcoholic can't control his vehicle which is a consequence of being buzzed, drunk etc.
Also many do a lot of stuff in life through habit sober or drunk. People don't realize how repetitive their life is sometimes and auto pilot takes over. I'd say if you observed your husband there are things he can't do or do poorly because of the alcohol besides driving. If you think in detail about some of his habits I'd bet you'll find issues. I've seen too many workplace drunks spend more time trying to game the system ignoring the rules and pesky things called details. Sooner or later they all wind up screwing up big time, it's not even close.
Many say if one ignores consequences that's a problem. Apparently the "high functioning" alcoholic can't control his vehicle which is a consequence of being buzzed, drunk etc.
Also many do a lot of stuff in life through habit sober or drunk. People don't realize how repetitive their life is sometimes and auto pilot takes over. I'd say if you observed your husband there are things he can't do or do poorly because of the alcohol besides driving. If you think in detail about some of his habits I'd bet you'll find issues. I've seen too many workplace drunks spend more time trying to game the system ignoring the rules and pesky things called details. Sooner or later they all wind up screwing up big time, it's not even close.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
driving drunk with a child in the car is NOT high functioning, mid functioning or anything but reckless, stupid and a disaster waiting to happen.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only say this. You made a boundary now it's up to you what you do with it for yourself. For me, I decided even when I was married (now divorced) that I would not allow my X to drive my kids. I lived as though I were single. Sure, it's hard sometimes. I had to ask for help from friends. My parents helped when they could. Ride shares, all of that. I was honest about why I was doing so, as I decided I would not lie or cover for him any longer. That gave me a support system and allowed me to get help from those that care about me and my family.
Truly, counseling, Celebrate Recovery, and the fine folks here at SR is what did it for me. I had to do these things so that I knew no matter what would come my way, I could handle it. And I am doing so.
Tight hugs. I cannot even imagine the anxiety all of this causes for you after such a long period of sobriety.
Keep coming back to SR. We are so glad you are here, you will get good support here!
ps....my X was "high functioning" too. He now has no job and we are divorced. It can all change in a snap.
Truly, counseling, Celebrate Recovery, and the fine folks here at SR is what did it for me. I had to do these things so that I knew no matter what would come my way, I could handle it. And I am doing so.
Tight hugs. I cannot even imagine the anxiety all of this causes for you after such a long period of sobriety.
Keep coming back to SR. We are so glad you are here, you will get good support here!
ps....my X was "high functioning" too. He now has no job and we are divorced. It can all change in a snap.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by 4wildcatkids
Does it ever get easier!
Your problem CAN get easier....the longer you stick around, educate yourself and attend meetings (Al-Anon perhaps) can make a big difference in YOUR recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
With a lot of reading on this site and going back to Alanon basics I gained strength and knowledge to address my husband with peace and not anger.
Well we did talk the other night. He indicated that he knows he has no other option, he has to lead a sober life like he had for 3.5 years before the incident. I really don't trust him at this point, and told him time and action will will be needed to earn my trust again. I did tell him he will not be driving our kids to activities which will be tough, but is the only way! I also told him it was not fair to put the kids in a position of determining if Dad was sober or not. He did cry which is not like him, he is not emotional. He did prior to our talk, speak with our daughter that was in the car with him about his disease, his bad choices, what he needs to do etc. That was a huge step in my eyes. He has never talked to the kids before about his alcoholism.
I did use some of the steps learned in the boundaries article and made it very clear my expectations and future actions:
If you continue to disrespect me and lie about drinking, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings. I will consider it you do not value, respect or deserve my relationship. At that point I will ask you to leave and get help; only returning after taking action. Everyone has choices.
On a side note: I do think it does sucks that in a relationship, it is as much work by a spouse of the alcoholic as the alcoholic itself.
Well we did talk the other night. He indicated that he knows he has no other option, he has to lead a sober life like he had for 3.5 years before the incident. I really don't trust him at this point, and told him time and action will will be needed to earn my trust again. I did tell him he will not be driving our kids to activities which will be tough, but is the only way! I also told him it was not fair to put the kids in a position of determining if Dad was sober or not. He did cry which is not like him, he is not emotional. He did prior to our talk, speak with our daughter that was in the car with him about his disease, his bad choices, what he needs to do etc. That was a huge step in my eyes. He has never talked to the kids before about his alcoholism.
I did use some of the steps learned in the boundaries article and made it very clear my expectations and future actions:
If you continue to disrespect me and lie about drinking, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings. I will consider it you do not value, respect or deserve my relationship. At that point I will ask you to leave and get help; only returning after taking action. Everyone has choices.
On a side note: I do think it does sucks that in a relationship, it is as much work by a spouse of the alcoholic as the alcoholic itself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
With a lot of reading on this site and going back to Alanon basics I gained strength and knowledge to address my husband with peace and not anger.
Well we did talk the other night. He indicated that he knows he has no other option, he has to lead a sober life like he had for 3.5 years before the incident. I really don't trust him at this point, and told him time and action will will be needed to earn my trust again. I did tell him he will not be driving our kids to activities which will be tough, but is the only way! I also told him it was not fair to put the kids in a position of determining if Dad was sober or not. He did cry which is not like him, he is not emotional. He did prior to our talk, speak with our daughter that was in the car with him about his disease, his bad choices, what he needs to do etc. That was a huge step in my eyes. He has never talked to the kids before about his alcoholism.
I did use some of the steps learned in the boundaries article and made it very clear my expectations and future actions:
If you continue to disrespect me and lie about drinking, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings. I will consider it you do not value, respect or deserve my relationship. At that point I will ask you to leave and get help; only returning after taking action. Everyone has choices.
On a side note: I do think it does sucks that in a relationship, it is as much work by a spouse of the alcoholic as the alcoholic itself.
Well we did talk the other night. He indicated that he knows he has no other option, he has to lead a sober life like he had for 3.5 years before the incident. I really don't trust him at this point, and told him time and action will will be needed to earn my trust again. I did tell him he will not be driving our kids to activities which will be tough, but is the only way! I also told him it was not fair to put the kids in a position of determining if Dad was sober or not. He did cry which is not like him, he is not emotional. He did prior to our talk, speak with our daughter that was in the car with him about his disease, his bad choices, what he needs to do etc. That was a huge step in my eyes. He has never talked to the kids before about his alcoholism.
I did use some of the steps learned in the boundaries article and made it very clear my expectations and future actions:
If you continue to disrespect me and lie about drinking, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings. I will consider it you do not value, respect or deserve my relationship. At that point I will ask you to leave and get help; only returning after taking action. Everyone has choices.
On a side note: I do think it does sucks that in a relationship, it is as much work by a spouse of the alcoholic as the alcoholic itself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
I do think it does sucks that in a relationship, it is as much work by a spouse of the alcoholic as the alcoholic itself.
Do special things just because you want them. Take a walk on a lovely day, not a power walk, bt a stop and smell the roses walk. While Dad is at AA or whatever he chooses to support his sobriety, take the kids out to get an ice cream cone. Or rent a really funny movie from Redbox. Or make *your* favorite thing for dinner. One of my favorite treats just for myself is after everyone is out of the house for the day, I make myself a spectacular cup of coffee and an equally spectacular breakfast -- omelettes, ham or sausage. It's just something for me. And it may sound selfish, but I need to be more selfish right now, because I've spent years being the martyr who never did anything just because I wanted it. And since I began treating myself better, I found I resented my AH less.
One other thing I've found -- all of this "work" dealing with his issues has actually led me down some pretty healing paths, forgiveness for others who really treated me poorly and forgiveness for myself. I understand why I am who I am better now, and hope to continue growing in this direction for years to come.
sending hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Great job talking to him! (And welcome to SR!)
And I have to throw mine in there too - Driving under the influence, with someone else, when that someone else is a kid, is... reprehensible. Shameful. Insufferable.
I don't have kids. I have dogs, though. Two times in ten years have people threatened their safety and boy howdy did a tigress come out of me.
We do not suffer fools - certainly we do not let them endanger our babies
And I have to throw mine in there too - Driving under the influence, with someone else, when that someone else is a kid, is... reprehensible. Shameful. Insufferable.
I don't have kids. I have dogs, though. Two times in ten years have people threatened their safety and boy howdy did a tigress come out of me.
We do not suffer fools - certainly we do not let them endanger our babies
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I just wanted to drop in and add two things:
1) You can be held liable for any accidents he has while drinking. If he kills someone, you're on the hook for it as far as the insurance is concerned. Not being the driver of the vehicle in an accident doesn't mean squat in this situation. Especially when it comes out that you had knowledge that he drinks and drives. Consider separating yourself out from that in any way possible.
2) You are setting the example for your kids' future relationships. They are absorbing the dysfunction in your marriage and that is being imprinted as how this whole marriage thing works. Don't know about you, but I wouldn't want my children choosing this type of partner and lifestyle when they become adults.
Ok, and there's a #3: We say often around here to plug your ears and open your eyes. Anyone can put on a show of talking to the kids and saying just what needs to be said to get the monkey off their back. His actions will show you exactly where his head is, so stop listening to him and start watching.
1) You can be held liable for any accidents he has while drinking. If he kills someone, you're on the hook for it as far as the insurance is concerned. Not being the driver of the vehicle in an accident doesn't mean squat in this situation. Especially when it comes out that you had knowledge that he drinks and drives. Consider separating yourself out from that in any way possible.
2) You are setting the example for your kids' future relationships. They are absorbing the dysfunction in your marriage and that is being imprinted as how this whole marriage thing works. Don't know about you, but I wouldn't want my children choosing this type of partner and lifestyle when they become adults.
Ok, and there's a #3: We say often around here to plug your ears and open your eyes. Anyone can put on a show of talking to the kids and saying just what needs to be said to get the monkey off their back. His actions will show you exactly where his head is, so stop listening to him and start watching.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
I definitely won't be letting him drive the kids again for a long time. As for our family when he does remain sober again, I am not sure how long it will take me to trust him again. I have seen him as a sober, trusting man. It was great! I feel if I never can forgive and trust again, there is really no point in staying in the marriage. Like others have said, actions speak louder than words. It took about a year last time for me to believe and trust him. Not putting a time line on it this time. He hit bottom 4 years ago and then was sober for 3.5 years until this last 6 months. My father passed away which he was his sponsor. That triggered him. I would love to hear from couples that have worked through the trials, pain and rebuilding process to become healthier together! I have to believe it exists.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
My wife and I have made it through a proper crap storm of alcoholism and Codie and all the other delightful stuff.
It's a truck load of work, we have 4 kids too.
I am in AA, took the steps with a sponsor and am now locked into 10,11,12.
My wife attends al anon twice a week and is sponsored too.
The help is out there.
More than ever in 2015......... Can you imagine the same situation 80 odd years ago??
(shudder)
All the best with your decisions and journey.
It's a truck load of work, we have 4 kids too.
I am in AA, took the steps with a sponsor and am now locked into 10,11,12.
My wife attends al anon twice a week and is sponsored too.
The help is out there.
More than ever in 2015......... Can you imagine the same situation 80 odd years ago??
(shudder)
All the best with your decisions and journey.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
