Alternatives to AlAnon
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi Terp,
This part is advice - if you feel like you aren't getting anywhere with your counselors I would address that directly with them and see what they say. Sometimes a therapist is just not going in the right direction because they don't know where you are, sometimes it is just not a good match, sometimes you need something different, sometimes you are on the cusp of some big movement and just need to hang in there. A good therapist will help determine which one you are in.
The rest is all just my experience and I'm not suggesting what you should do - just sharing some of my thoughts/personal experience after reading your post. I do not have PSTD etc so my experiences may not translate at all.
I loved the alanon materials and philosophy and read a lot of it and got a lot out of it. I was also frustrated with the 'don't make a decision right now' part of the meetings because I had already made a decision. That ship had sailed and I wasn't turning back. I continued with the meetings until I moved and than I stopped and did not go back. I can't say I missed it but I was not in the middle of the steps either. I've never done the steps. I don't know if I ever will. I have no plans to at this time.
I had similar feelings of anger and they were consuming me. Once I started making decisions and taking steps in the right direction for me - the anger started to go away. It was very cathartic. I was at war with myself and I was losing and the anger was a result of that.
I was also raise Catholic and had decided I was married and I was going to stay that way no matter what. I spent a couple of years googling and reading books on how devastating divorce was for children and everyone else and what I should do to STAY MARRIED at all costs. Divorce was simply not an option I had given myself. The anger and resentments toward my husband and myself grew. I came to my own personal bottom and I gave myself permission to leave when I felt I had no other choice. I thought it was going to drive me crazy - literally. It was hard. It was very hard. I do not regret it but at the time I needed the help of a counselor and SR.
I identify as an atheist now. That was a slower realization and it was not easy but it wasn't the bright burn that my divorce and recovery was either. It was a time of 'unrest' with myself though but I am at peace now. I think give yourself time to work through that question without pressure and you'll come to your own answers/place of peace.
I'm sorry you carry so much turmoil about your father's judgement. I have no experience there but it must be really hard.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to make whatever choice you feel is in your best interest. Take one step in the right direction. You'll know what your next step is and then the next and it may be nothing like what you thought it would be - and that is OK.
This part is advice - if you feel like you aren't getting anywhere with your counselors I would address that directly with them and see what they say. Sometimes a therapist is just not going in the right direction because they don't know where you are, sometimes it is just not a good match, sometimes you need something different, sometimes you are on the cusp of some big movement and just need to hang in there. A good therapist will help determine which one you are in.
The rest is all just my experience and I'm not suggesting what you should do - just sharing some of my thoughts/personal experience after reading your post. I do not have PSTD etc so my experiences may not translate at all.
I loved the alanon materials and philosophy and read a lot of it and got a lot out of it. I was also frustrated with the 'don't make a decision right now' part of the meetings because I had already made a decision. That ship had sailed and I wasn't turning back. I continued with the meetings until I moved and than I stopped and did not go back. I can't say I missed it but I was not in the middle of the steps either. I've never done the steps. I don't know if I ever will. I have no plans to at this time.
I had similar feelings of anger and they were consuming me. Once I started making decisions and taking steps in the right direction for me - the anger started to go away. It was very cathartic. I was at war with myself and I was losing and the anger was a result of that.
I was also raise Catholic and had decided I was married and I was going to stay that way no matter what. I spent a couple of years googling and reading books on how devastating divorce was for children and everyone else and what I should do to STAY MARRIED at all costs. Divorce was simply not an option I had given myself. The anger and resentments toward my husband and myself grew. I came to my own personal bottom and I gave myself permission to leave when I felt I had no other choice. I thought it was going to drive me crazy - literally. It was hard. It was very hard. I do not regret it but at the time I needed the help of a counselor and SR.
I identify as an atheist now. That was a slower realization and it was not easy but it wasn't the bright burn that my divorce and recovery was either. It was a time of 'unrest' with myself though but I am at peace now. I think give yourself time to work through that question without pressure and you'll come to your own answers/place of peace.
I'm sorry you carry so much turmoil about your father's judgement. I have no experience there but it must be really hard.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to make whatever choice you feel is in your best interest. Take one step in the right direction. You'll know what your next step is and then the next and it may be nothing like what you thought it would be - and that is OK.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am a Catholic but I was pretty angry at God for letting him do this to me. As I felt I was a good person.
Funny, that same God also put courage and strength in my soul so that I could jump off those tracks and away from the alcoholic/addict in my life any time I chose to.
Alcoholics/addicts don’t do what they do to us – they just do it because that’s what alcoholics/addicts do.
We have choices in life, yes, some of those choices are self-punishing and blaming God gives us an excuse to stay.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
I DO think I'm getting somewhere with EMDR and I really feel in the end that this therapy will be what does it for me. The theories behind it just make so much damn SENSE. But it's hard and painful. I've been having a lot of nightmares but this is to be expected. When I told my psychiatrist about how I was trying this and having nightmares she said I had to have them because we process things in our dreams. She said, "honey, it's like getting a brazillian. It hurts like he'll but then it's over."
And yes, raised old school here too. And it's inextricably linked with my father's abuse. My brain just can't accept that God is vengeful and punishing and that I must have committed some horrible sin. There is a lot of vengeance and punishment in the Bible.
And yes, raised old school here too. And it's inextricably linked with my father's abuse. My brain just can't accept that God is vengeful and punishing and that I must have committed some horrible sin. There is a lot of vengeance and punishment in the Bible.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Terp,
You are a complicated case with EMDR, PTSD, a newer job, 2 counselors, etc.
Have you considered you are doing too much at once? Maybe you should let H recover. Just leave him be happily thinking all is hunky dory. He's not active and he's not hurting you by being ignorant of the long term impact of his behavior. I get your anger. Mine has yet to apologize. Sometimes I just want to smack him just for the H of it. I've got a resentment simmering like a special bloodflow beneath my skin. Only he seems able to trigger it.
Adjust to the new job and nightshift. Work EMDR and work through things regarding your father. Because I bet the stuff with your father impacts your feelings about your H.
The marriage can go on the back burner. Al Anon can go on the back burner if you are working with 2 counselors. Work the big picture stuff about you - work and your history. Keep a few things in your life stable, so you can take pleasure from a meal with H or a good night at work. Not everything has to go in the blender and whip on high.
You are a complicated case with EMDR, PTSD, a newer job, 2 counselors, etc.
Have you considered you are doing too much at once? Maybe you should let H recover. Just leave him be happily thinking all is hunky dory. He's not active and he's not hurting you by being ignorant of the long term impact of his behavior. I get your anger. Mine has yet to apologize. Sometimes I just want to smack him just for the H of it. I've got a resentment simmering like a special bloodflow beneath my skin. Only he seems able to trigger it.
Adjust to the new job and nightshift. Work EMDR and work through things regarding your father. Because I bet the stuff with your father impacts your feelings about your H.
The marriage can go on the back burner. Al Anon can go on the back burner if you are working with 2 counselors. Work the big picture stuff about you - work and your history. Keep a few things in your life stable, so you can take pleasure from a meal with H or a good night at work. Not everything has to go in the blender and whip on high.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by TerpGal 
I DO think I'm getting somewhere with EMDR and I really feel in the end that this therapy will be what does it for me. The theories behind it just make so much damn SENSE. But it's hard and painful. I've been having a lot of nightmares but this is to be expected. When I told my psychiatrist about how I was trying this and having nightmares she said I had to have them because we process things in our dreams. She said, "honey, it's like getting a brazillian. It hurts like he'll but then it's over."
And yes, raised old school here too. And it's inextricably linked with my father's abuse. My brain just can't accept that God is vengeful and punishing and that I must have committed some horrible sin. There is a lot of vengeance and punishment in the Bible.
And yes, raised old school here too. And it's inextricably linked with my father's abuse. My brain just can't accept that God is vengeful and punishing and that I must have committed some horrible sin. There is a lot of vengeance and punishment in the Bible.
I have been in the place of which you talk about.
I have not done EMDR but a body centered therapy similar.
I had a love/hate relationship with this therapy for a long time. I could FINALLY feel something moving/changing in me, which I LOVED, but that change brought up a lot of thngs I had been unwilling to feel for some time.
I wanted to move faster through it so I could get through it....but was scared because of all of the emotions. It was a really confusing balance for me to put in place.
Meanwhile I also started Al-Anon and sometimes it felt like what I was learning there and what I was learning in therapy was counter-intuitive and I would get more confused, emotional etc.
I know this may sound silly, but I think you are in the perfect place at the perfect time. I needed a lot more time than 5 months to get my feet underneath me....a lot of my patterns had been in place since I was five years old.
I found that TALKING to my therapist about what was coming up in Al-Anon and in sessions was really helpful. I also found that it was really helpful to get some support from people who had experienced the type of therapy I do. It was amazing to find out that I was reacting/feeling pretty similar to them.
Finally I got educated about trauma work.....and guess what my behaviors were pretty normal considering the trauma I had (and I don't consider the trauma I had big T trauma but normal life stuff).
Good luck and congrats I think your recovery looks pretty amazing that you could write down what you did to start this thread and get support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 3
Have you ever heard of SMART Recovery Family & Friends?
"SMART Recovery Family & Friends is a science-based, secular alternative to Al-Anon and Johnson Intervention. Our method is based on the tools of SMART Recovery and CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach & Family Training)."
You can see if there are meetings in your area on their website or I think they may also have an online option
"SMART Recovery Family & Friends is a science-based, secular alternative to Al-Anon and Johnson Intervention. Our method is based on the tools of SMART Recovery and CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach & Family Training)."
You can see if there are meetings in your area on their website or I think they may also have an online option
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by TerpGal
I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to give up. This is so painful I think I might die from it and Al Anon at least in my area the members are very pushy about just letting it all go this very instant and that there's something wrong with you if you can't. Most of these folks have been around FOREVER and it feels like they forgot what it's like.
Now, just recently I picked up a book called "The Power of Now", and it is teaching just that! To let go of the past because IT (the past) is not real... it is just the constant mumbling of my brain going on and on and on about the same things trying to find a solution to which there is NO SOLUTION. It is done. All you have is today. Now, exactly how you feel about your RAH today is something different. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with you for being unable to let go right this instant. That's just not nice.
Personally, I would take a step back from Al-anon, AND my RAH, and just do me for a while... Get back to being myself... Take care of myself!
Forget all of this for a while and take a step back and get your mind free and clear of this clutter so you can listen to your own spirit for a while. Don't give up. Pain doesn't last forever, and you will not die of it. Sorries...
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