jensday71

Let me start by saying that I am aware that I am co-dependent and that I need help. All 3 of my serious relationships were with addicts. I have dabbled in AL-ANON, but realize it is time to seriously fix my issues. With that being said I need advice for right here and now.

I will try to make this as short as possible. My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. He is also an alcoholic as displays the selfish, manipulative behaviors common to many addicts. We have been together 2.5 years and were married 4 months ago.

Throughout that time he has detoxed 3 times, prompted by my anger at his drinking. Each time he has refused medical treatment, kept his detox hidden from friends and family, and has not sought any help. Each time it is hell for me because he gets so sick and I fear for his safety. Each time I swear I will never go through it again.

Last month I was put on Wellbutrin for depression and I have gained some energy and clarity. I have started working on ME and am getting healthier. Seeing this change he has decided that he is sick of being sick and decided to detox again. The withdrawal is not as bad as the last times, but he is back in the "poor me", selfish place that detox always brings him to. I am sick of it. I do not have faith it will last because he still isn't going to meetings, counseling, or telling anyone he is quitting. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through this again, I don't want to leave when he is trying to get better, and financially leaving would be tricky right now. I'm at a loss. I have hit my breaking point and am trying to detach with love, but I am failing and just feel angry every time I look at him. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Santa

Your expectations seem realistic to me. Whether he gets sober doesn't depend on your help, your staying, etc. It's not reasonable of him to expect you to see him through his addiction. My ex had a tremendous capacity for self pity.

Honestly love isn't enough. Knowing what I know now (post 20-year marriage, damaged kids growing up in an alcoholic household, and then divorce), I wish I had gotten an annulment at 4 months.

lillamy

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think one concern -- and I'm not a doctor and I'm not giving medical advice -- would be with him detoxing without being under medical supervision.

As for you, how do you detach and care for yourself under these circumstances? I think Al-Anon is great. I love Al-Anon. Those ladies and gents saved my sanity when I was married to an actively drinking A. I spent four years in Al-Anon before leaving my ex, and when I left, I also added individual therapy.

AW1111

This sounds very similar to my AH. I can't even tell you how many times we played "the dance" of binge, self detoxing, feeling guilty, and feeling sorry for himself. I just wanted to scream "YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF"!!!

I love my husband very much and we share a two year old daughter together. I got to the point where my anger turned into fear...I was scared something bad was going to happen to him if he tried to detox himself one more time, or he would kill himself or someone else by drinking and driving. And with each episode it was getting worse!

I realized that NOTHING will change if something doesn't change. And clearly his "attempts" at sobriety on his own weren't working. It was just a big roller coaster...binge, detox, depression, repeat.

I felt the same way you did...how can I leave someone I love when he is trying? Then someone from SR pointed something out to me. How is he really trying? He was not attending AA meetings when he said he was going to, no therapy, not being open with anyone about it? It was like after he detoxed he would feel "better" without the alcohol in his system so he would convince himself he was fine. Then a "trigger" or stress would arise and he had 0 clue how to deal with it besides picking up. I truly believe he wanted to live his life sober, but he was still trying to convince himself he could use will power.

I finally made the decision for the sake of my daughter and my own sanity to tell him we were going to leave. I told him I wasn't jumping into a divorce, going to see other people or anything like that right now. I just needed to work on me, and bring back some stability into my life. I needed a break! I was tired of the walking on eggshell game. I told him he needs to figure this out for himself because I was tired of being the blame for his constant slips. I needed to stop enabling him and not sticking with my boundaries, so he would have to take a hard look at himself and figure out what he wanted to do for himself. After attending Alanon, personal therapy, and researching like crazy-i knew I really had to get better for myself. He is a very capable, resourceful adult that can make his own decisions, and just like raising a child- he will never learn if I keep sugar coating everything and babying him. Whether his decision included me and his daughter-that was up to him. I just knew I was going to start living my life on my terms, not his.

I got a phone call the next day saying he checked himself into rehab! He told me that he hates living on a roller coaster too, and he didn't know how to stay sober on his own.

He has been there 16 days, and although I have very little contact with him- I have seen a whole other side of him. He is very motivated and is telling me he needs to be there. He is the most humble I have ever seen him in his life. According to his clinician he has "surrendered" and is really trying to learn everything he can about his disease and how to maintain sobriety when he is out.

If I didn't get help for myself I don't think he would have ever hit his "bottom" of really seeing that his family was DONE. He needed to see how his life would be on his "own terms".

Only God knows what will happen between us when he gets out, but I have been taking this time and really working on myself. I can honestly say, I have come up with some really solid boundaries, and regardless what happens when he gets out, I know I will be OK. With, or without him.

At the beginning I really was confused what enabling was. Later, I realized that being his shoulder to cry on when he felt guilty about relapsing, or taking on his responsibilities because he felt like crap when he was detoxing, was what kept this cycle going. When I wasn't going to be around for another detox, or sympathy party, he finally came to his own conclusions he was going to have to make a decision for himself.

I wish you the best of luck, and will be praying for you! Do lots of research and keep working on YOU! You have worked enough on HIM!

jensday71

Thank you all for your responses. AW1111, everything you said really hit home. I know I need to leave at this point. It is best for me and my children. I am back in school and only working very part time so I just need to figure out how to afford to go it alone. I know there is a way and I have friends and family to help so I am spending today getting a game plan together. I am so happy that your husband checked himself into rehab. I sincerely hope that this is the step that gets him the help he really needs. I love that you are taking this time to work on you. I am fairly confident that my AH will not seek help when I leave, but I know I will. I can't get better in the midst of his addiction. I don't have the tools to take care of me while laying next to him. I am hopeful we can make our marriage work, but I am too tired to be the one picking up the pieces any more.

AW1111

When I started educating myself on the topic and not taking things so personally (detaching) I saw the situation in a totally different light. My anger switched from him, to his disease. Maybe that was easier for me to accept? I don't know...I'm still new at all of this too, and literally read these news feeds everyday!

All I can say is for me, something just clicked in my brain and I accepted the fact that nothing I do or say will change him. I literally have tried everything I can do and we were still in square one. I believe all of the facts that I have been reading for years now lol. I guess I just had to try and fail for myself to finally "get it"?

If we beat the terribly stacked odds- and ever have a chance of living a happy, healthy marriage, I need to let go of him, his negative decisions, and his disease and be happy and healthy on my own. If he gives up on himself, that is Gods way of telling me I need to move on without him. But I know there is a 0% chance I will start at square one again...although I miss him dearly, this time apart has done wonders on me.

You will be surprised what happens when you take control of you, and your children's life...not in a million years did I think inpatient was even an option for my AH let alone the new plan. And knowing regardless the outcome, I would be ok and would never have to subject myself or my daughter to the craziness of his drinking anymore. No more Drama!!!...I'm over that. It's kind of empowering.

torquemax777

Jensday, I had to double check that it wasn't me who wrote your post. I agree with the responses so far! Couldn't be better said! And I'm proud of you! You seem to have your head and heart in the right place!