D-Day anniversary
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
D-Day anniversary
it was a year ago this week that I discovered some awful news and learned my husband who had previously quit drinking for over a year post-IOP had been secretly drinking for months and also had engaged in a random Craigslist "encounter". He was clearly a hot mess, and I felt like my heart had been ripped from my body.
It happened the week leading up to my son's birthday, so as I prepare for that again this year, it is serving as a trigger to bring back all those intense, complex emotions. Seriously, like 3-4 times a day, in the middle of doing something else, all of a sudden my throat tightens, stomach knots up, tears well up, and I am like instantly transported to being in that "my world is crashing down around me" feeling space.
Thing is, life is SO GOOD right now. We have both worked so hard over the past year. He went to rehab and is now 11+ months sober and goes to therapy and 3 AA mtgs/week. We also continue therapy together. I had a bunch of my own and have learned so many lessons, for which I am grateful. We really have come so far and make it through so much hard stuff and there are some ways in which it is like we are in a new relationship. We are clearheaded and communicating and each feel like we are better people, better spouses, better parents. Yeah, right? I mean, a year ago this is what I desperately hoped for, but had no idea how or if it ever would, so I am very grateful for every day we have, where we each wake up and make good choices and enjoy the fruits of the hard work we've done/are doing.
Today I took a little thought journey to try to help my heart/gut understand more clearly what my brain was thinking, which is that if we never went through the brutality of D-Day, where might we be today? Maybe I'd have called out the secret drinking eventually and nagged him into more therapy and he'd appease me for awhile and then slide, and then we'd just be trapped back in that negative spiral, or maybe all of his hot mess secretive thrill seeking would have devolved him/us to the point where getting us back to a healthy intact family was no longer an option, or ??? Regardless, the chances that we'd be in as good a place as we are today if D-Day hadn't happened is slim. I wish we could have gotten here without the pain, but yet without the pain, I don't know if we would have gotten here.
Anyway-the PTSD-like nature of this visceral reaction to the DDay anniversary has been unexpected. I do think my little thought journey was helpful, as today was better than 2 days ago, and tomorrow will be better yet, but there are going to be so many of these "this time last year" moments-he had a last hurrah on his birthday before going to rehab, I was alone with the kids when he went to rehab, getting/trimming the tree alone, I had my accident and surgeries and he was gone, he came home from rehab and the reentry process was harder than we expected, etc. With the timing and holidays and other regular events in our lives around this time of year, it just seems like they will all trigger these various memories. I know I will get through them, my head knows all the stuff I should focus on do, take care of myself, etc. but still, yuck-when you are just struck with this intense wave of emotions, it throws you for a loop.
Of course there are also lots of good distractions this time of year, and I can use my mindfulness tools to try stay in the moment and focus on the gratitude I have for the present. Just easier said than done sometimes
It happened the week leading up to my son's birthday, so as I prepare for that again this year, it is serving as a trigger to bring back all those intense, complex emotions. Seriously, like 3-4 times a day, in the middle of doing something else, all of a sudden my throat tightens, stomach knots up, tears well up, and I am like instantly transported to being in that "my world is crashing down around me" feeling space.
Thing is, life is SO GOOD right now. We have both worked so hard over the past year. He went to rehab and is now 11+ months sober and goes to therapy and 3 AA mtgs/week. We also continue therapy together. I had a bunch of my own and have learned so many lessons, for which I am grateful. We really have come so far and make it through so much hard stuff and there are some ways in which it is like we are in a new relationship. We are clearheaded and communicating and each feel like we are better people, better spouses, better parents. Yeah, right? I mean, a year ago this is what I desperately hoped for, but had no idea how or if it ever would, so I am very grateful for every day we have, where we each wake up and make good choices and enjoy the fruits of the hard work we've done/are doing.
Today I took a little thought journey to try to help my heart/gut understand more clearly what my brain was thinking, which is that if we never went through the brutality of D-Day, where might we be today? Maybe I'd have called out the secret drinking eventually and nagged him into more therapy and he'd appease me for awhile and then slide, and then we'd just be trapped back in that negative spiral, or maybe all of his hot mess secretive thrill seeking would have devolved him/us to the point where getting us back to a healthy intact family was no longer an option, or ??? Regardless, the chances that we'd be in as good a place as we are today if D-Day hadn't happened is slim. I wish we could have gotten here without the pain, but yet without the pain, I don't know if we would have gotten here.
Anyway-the PTSD-like nature of this visceral reaction to the DDay anniversary has been unexpected. I do think my little thought journey was helpful, as today was better than 2 days ago, and tomorrow will be better yet, but there are going to be so many of these "this time last year" moments-he had a last hurrah on his birthday before going to rehab, I was alone with the kids when he went to rehab, getting/trimming the tree alone, I had my accident and surgeries and he was gone, he came home from rehab and the reentry process was harder than we expected, etc. With the timing and holidays and other regular events in our lives around this time of year, it just seems like they will all trigger these various memories. I know I will get through them, my head knows all the stuff I should focus on do, take care of myself, etc. but still, yuck-when you are just struck with this intense wave of emotions, it throws you for a loop.
Of course there are also lots of good distractions this time of year, and I can use my mindfulness tools to try stay in the moment and focus on the gratitude I have for the present. Just easier said than done sometimes
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Congratulations for being able to rebuild your marriage -- that takes hard work and guts!
I don't know how the PTSD stuff would work in a situation like that -- if it would gradually get less difficult as you put more and more GOOD time between you and the BAD times? I hope that's how it works!
I don't know how the PTSD stuff would work in a situation like that -- if it would gradually get less difficult as you put more and more GOOD time between you and the BAD times? I hope that's how it works!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"It happened the week leading up to my son's birthday, so as I prepare for that again this year, it is serving as a trigger to bring back all those intense, complex emotions. Seriously, like 3-4 times a day, in the middle of doing something else, all of a sudden my throat tightens, stomach knots up, tears well up, and I am like instantly transported to being in that "my world is crashing down around me" feeling space"
Ugh. I definitely identify with that. It's the worst, when out of nowhere, the awful feelings come back...Sounds like you are further along in your journey than I am, so I don't have much to offer, but hang in there. It will get easier as time goes on. HUGS
Ugh. I definitely identify with that. It's the worst, when out of nowhere, the awful feelings come back...Sounds like you are further along in your journey than I am, so I don't have much to offer, but hang in there. It will get easier as time goes on. HUGS
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