Blossom717

He is struggling while we are on vacation. I feel bad for him. He has been watching his brother drink all day and started talking to me about how we should drink on special occasions. Dint get me wrong, id love to sit down with his sis in law and have a glass of wine. But I feel like it'd be the perfect excuse for him to drink so I don't.

I think he has forgotten what I said. One drink and I'm gone. I told him its not compromisable. Its hard to do that because I'm used to giving in. But I will not this time. I also made it clear that I cnnot control him, but if he drinks it will be on his on time.


What am I spposed to do while he is struggling?

Hawkeye13

beach things like swimming and building sand castles?

biminiblue

Exactly. Swim. Walk.

He has to manage his own emotions. It's something new for both of you.

aborkie

Being around others drinking is the worst when you're on vacation. It sounds like you have drawn a line in the sand, good for you. I don't think there are any easy answers. It's a shame his brother has to drink up a storm.

Blossom717

True, it's something he has to work out for himself. I see him fighting with himself internally, I want to help... Make him feel better. But I know it's not my job.

His brother is an alcoholic too. His sis in law seems to be okay with it. I get frustrated when ABF would fall over drunk or forget where we are. She laughs it off. But I am just not wired to do that.

Pia

How about tell him how proud you are of him? Remind him how important the long term goal is..
Just my 2 cents

Hereandnow2

As an alcoholic myself, my husband reminds me how good I'll feel in the morning and how we don't need to drink to relax or have fun, also that I won't just want one or two and then I will be right back where I started our in the beginning!

jarp

It's hard isn't it when you want the best for him and your family and you can see his triggers being flaunted right in his face. You've got a great attitude though blossom and are obviously working hard on your boundaries and on keeping your side of the street clean.

There's no chance of ending the holiday early?

yensid

You're a better person than me. The first go around I found out about AH's drinking and pills was the day before our vacation 2 yrs ago.

He was laying in the bed with withdrawal and I stood over him and said "I don't feel bad for you."

He needs to wrestle with his demons and his feelings he is feeling. Hang in there. You got this.

PurpleKnight

It's tough but the person with the addiction needs to fight their internal battles on their own, that is when they really face all their fears and anxiety, it becomes sink or swim time.

Maybe offer him a non alcoholic drink, I would have been friends for life with the person that did that for me when I first got Sober, too many people were trying to get me to drink, but someone offering me an orange juice or a soda would have been a godsend, not only is it non alcoholic, but it shows an understanding and an acceptance of the person's problem, too many people try to convince an alcoholic that they don't have a problem, so that understanding can be great.

GracieLou

You can also tell him, if you do, that you love him.

I think many times, and I have been guilty of this as well, that we withdrawal our love because we are hurt or angry.

Letting someone know that you love them and support them is important. We do not want to get stepped on or walked on but we can still hold our ground and keep the line in the sand while we maintain some level of compassion and love.

It is hard because I want to hurt them as they have hurt me but the whole idea is for me to become a better person, not to sink a level or let anger or revenge steer my emotions.

Hard to do at times though, hard to do.

Blossom717

I offered him a soda last night. I texted him this morning and told him I love him and I'm proud of him. I've been drinking coffee/lemonaid/water in support. I guess that's all I can do!

FeelingGreat

Blossom, if you can keep it under control it's lovely to have wine on holidays but I find making myself a decent substitute takes away some of the cravings. Home made ginger beer, (not the brewed sort), or a punch of fruit juice and ginger beer, or even tonic are good substitutes. Just having a cold drink in hand will help a bit I hope. Don't leave it to chance though, try and make sure there's a good variety in the fridge.

Refiner

Blossom you are so awesome with your support and knowing it's very difficult for him. I love the idea of "designer non-alcoholic cocktails" you guys should have fun with at home! Make your own recipes... something in the summer time that sounds great is a bright lemonade with club soda or some kind of clear soda to give it some fizz and put fun fruit garnishes in with it :-)

Blossom717

We should try some non alcoholic cocktails

I don't mind not drinking, although I do enjoy a beer on the beach. But lemonaid works just as good for me

I can control me, that's about it!

tabac210

Blossom,

My RAH & I haven't done the vacation thing yet, however, he did mention to me once when doing lawn work/outside chores he felt a little twinge because following mowing the lawn or weeding the garden meant time for a cold one (more like 18!). I came up with the idea of keeping "fancy" soda (Jones, Izzi, Dr. Virgils, craft rootbeer, etc) & he loves it; he calls it his fizzy reward for yard work. He's not really a soda drinker but the specialty sodas are a nice treat. Also, we've been working on "mocktail" recipes together, not that he was ever really into hard liquor but just as an alternative, fun special occasion drink that doesn't include alcohol. As an example, we make a "fauxjito" that substitutes a couple of ounces of earl grey tea instead of the booze; muddle the fresh mint, add sprite & simple syrup if you need more sugar & its a lovely refreshing summer drink!

I've seen around here that mocktails aren't for everyone; can lead to the real thing too easily, etc., but at least with my hubby, he likes the originality & being able to have a special occasion drink that doesn't include alcohol.

He's lucky to have your love & support. Don't forget to take care of you, too.

dandylion

Blossom....yes, I am of the opinion that that is All you can do.

You can be yourself and you can be civil and humane....like offer him some juice and ask him to join you on the beach (normal stuff, actually).

Remember that it was HIS idea to go to the beach with a bunch of alcohol drinkers.
He should know that that is a huge trigger for an alcoholic--one in early recovery that is "whiteknuckling it".
HE put himself into this situation.....so, his heightened suffering is coming from his own actions. His consequences of his denial of his disease ("I can handle this").
Make no mistake that he views anyone who is blocking his ability to drink with approval is viewed as the "enemy". All un-recovering alcoholics feel this way.
Do not be surprised, if he should start to drink, that you will be first in l ine to be blamed, somehow, for it. That is the way it goes.
All of your inner suffering and empathy for his current frustration will, likely, be rewarded by a heaping of blame, later (if he should drink).

It is so unrealistic to place an alcoholic, who is only white knuckling, in a vacation situation with other alcoholics and triggers all around, and, then, expect them not to drink or not to be extremely tortured with cravings.

This is only my view on this of course. I am just trying to help you see this more realistically.

My suggestion is...have as much fun as you can with your kids. Leave if it becomes unbearable for you. Stop worrying about his frustration...as it is useless and poorly directed energy.
If he drinks....he drinks.....Then, the ball will be back in your court.

dandylion

GracieLou

And this can be scary. It created a lot of fear in me to the point that I did not hold up the deal I made to/for myself. I let things slip by me at times because of that fear.

It was okay he was tired and didn't go to a meeting...No it is not.

It is okay he didn't call his sponsor today...No it is not.

Before you know it I was headed into....It is okay he only had one...NO ITS NOT.

I am also an alcoholic. I know what it takes to get sober and none of the above are part of working a program.

I can easily fool myself and I can't have that. I also have to keep my eyes and ears open and not for his slips but for mine. I can't allow fear to stop me from keeping that line in the sand.

Emotions can help you justify and rationalize not only our own actions but the actions of others. I am not saying that things can't change if he changes but until he does, do not ease up if you can help it.

Given an inch, he will take a mile. I know because I did.

Blossom717

He asked me if I wanted a beer...I know that trick!

I'm sure it's hard for him. It's confusing for me. Do I have a beer if I want one? I think that would be rude of me. I know he would use that as an excuse to drink too. He's taking Xanax constantly and smoking pot....just replacing the alcohol with something else.

I haven't said anything, just mainly focusing on relaxing, but it's still in the back of my mind