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Old 03-18-2014, 06:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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So mad at myself...

I'm angry with AH also but I feel like an idiot. Every time I have let him come over in the last couple of weeks it has not gone well. Last night he called all nice and pleasant asked to come over after work to see the kids. I said ok I would go grocery shopping, thinking he'd leave after I got home. Tonight He was the other personality...so I get home and he's mean right away asking what I told his mother because she told him to keep his cool before he left. I said I wasn't going to discuss it and walked away. He continued to follow me around asking the same question, and said "you told her I grabbed you did you tell her why?" Like it's ok to grab me because I tried to pick up his phone?!?!
Then he upset our daughter who was yelling at him to leave. She said he's obnoxious and she can't stand it. Then my son was mad at her for telling him to leave. He wouldn't leave...
He proceeds to follow me around telling me how upset he is I didn't invite him to my family's dinner the other night! Wth?! Why would I? Isn't that what separation is about? He still doesn't understand his choices have brought us to where we are. Then he started saying he's taking our son all day Sunday and I can't stop him. Um ok...never said you couldn't.
Ugh why am I such an idiot?? Never again. I cannot let him come here, kids go to him, I will drive them there.
The only plus...I am very much reminded why this is what is best for the kids and I.
Ok done vent. Tomorrow I am scheduling a consultation with an attorney. I want a legal separation.
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Old 03-19-2014, 04:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Chelsea,

I hope today is a better day for you. Peace and resolve!
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Old 03-19-2014, 04:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Please be careful and safe, chelsea. It sounds a bit like he's getting ready to blow.

I hope peace returns soon!
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Old 03-19-2014, 04:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Chelsea, it sounds like you're learning quickly. Don't forget to document everything.
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Old 03-19-2014, 04:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Chelsea1029- Your not an idiot. This is a very hard situation you are going through.Give yourself a gentle hug and keep going forward.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You're not an idiot, Chelsea. We've all been there - expecting rational actions from irrational people. I think taking the children to him is a better option. Once you've filed for legal separation, maybe change the locks? It's your home now, not his.
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Please be careful and safe, chelsea. It sounds a bit like he's getting ready to blow. I hope peace returns soon!
Yes. Sounds like he's grasping- in that irrational "out of control trying to make something happen gonna explode because he doesn't know how to force it" sort of way. He's facing his decisions and that's a tough place to be if you're not ready to accept them. Please stay safe. Hugs.
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
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((((hugs)))

Please do stay safe. I can't remember if you've done safety planning with the kids, but it might be helpful. DS and I have updated ours as we've moved and we still have one in place. A couple good resources are:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Safety Planning With Children

Personalized Safety Plan - Domestic Violence

National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence - Safety Plan Resources

When DS and I go over the safety plans, it's always in a general way: What happens if there's a fire; if some one is hurt? What if there's a dangerous person in the house? We've spoken with certain neighbors and confirmed that if there's something going on, it's OK for DS to run to their house to call 911. (DS also knows that if he does go to them and they're not there, it's OK to run to the next house.)

You're doing great in a difficult situation! Wishing you continued strength.
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Remember the definition of insanity? You've made up your mind not to do that same thing again expecting a different result..Good for you!
I think I need to post that all over my house.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you all....I need to remember that definition of insanity. I have wasted too much of my life on this craziness already. I feel better today - NC helps. I didn't get to call attorney but will tomorrow. I need to stop trying to understand the irrational...it won't happen. The house is peaceful today and I'm trying to focus on the positives. I'm thankful I'm the one who has an income (although this can make me feel guilty at times...how will he take care of himself! I am thankful I have my children and a job I love that occupies my mind. I am thankful that he's not here anymore!
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Old 03-20-2014, 06:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm thankful I'm the one who has an income (although this can make me feel guilty at times...how will he take care of himself!
I have theses same fears. In my STBXAH's case, he has an income... just a really low income. I just keep reminding myself that he's an adult, he can choose to look for a higher paying job, or take a second job (just as yours can look for a job.) Then, I turn him over to my HP/God. I know he's far more capable of taking care of him than I am! I will admit that it's not a one and done thing for me. I continually find myself releasing him to my HP but each time it happens quicker than the last. I think you're doing great, Chelsea
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Old 03-20-2014, 01:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you. I really want to untangle myself from him financially. We are now bankrupt because of him...but thankfully I do have an income. He is trying to sell his business and then hopefully will find a job but I do worry he will just sink into depression and more alcohol use. I just keep reminding myself he is an adult.
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