LSC1

HI

I am not sure I really should be posting here. But the more sober time I get the more I find I relate to what you guys say and what some of you experiece day in day out.

Up until llast year I was my hubby's drinking buddy for 20 years.

My hubby drinks daily and usually rather heavily. I allow it to happen .. for the last 20 years the pattern has been ... I work (he has worked odd jobs in tha time)... he runs the house ..pays the bills .. does the cooking ..... when kids came along I managed all their extra-curricular activities... I drive him to and frome the club ... and now I don't drink at all , he has a ready made taxi service .

I find now I resent the time he spends away fron the family with his mates drinking at the club .. actually i have always resented it but I used to deal with it myself by drinking at home while he was out and when the kids had gone to bed.

I used to be held hostage (that's how it felt) on the weekends as the kids and I had to wait till he had organised his various things he is involved in at the club before we could do anything as a family ... THAT doesn't happen as much any more .. now I do stuff with the kids if I am back in time to taxi him I do .. if not he walks or stays at the club till I am ready and the kids and I come home.

I find I manage his behaviour a lot better now I am sober .. I anticipate the things that will cause him to come home and cause friction in the house. He is a great Dad most of the time .. he is never a violent person. But at times when he is drunk he can be mean to me and sometimes immature and insensitive when dealing with the kids. We have not been intimate for over 3 years ... due to physical issues on his behalf.

I give this background as I went away with he kids for a week for a holiday .. I have come back to a house with limited alcohol in it just beer ... no cask wine ... my hubby appears to only be going to the club every other day . He has not bought any cask wine or asked me to get any. He is only drinking 3 or 4 beers at home. He woud usually drink double that easily and more at the club.

SO i am posting here .. because I am stressed by this change in behaviour ... that s nuts I know ... I want my hubby to stop drinking ... but I don't want to get disappointed if things go back to the status quo ..

I am not in a hurry to change anything ... just needed to get some of this down ... My emotions have just settled down following my own sobriety journey .... i am doing stuff enjoying life and doing things for me and the kids .. I feel he has been left behind in that journey ...


Thanks for reading ... I will try and keep you posted.

CarryOn

Welcome to the forum! Congratulations on your sobriety!!

I believe you are what is referred to as a "double winner". There are plenty here...with wonderful E, S & H to share.

Are you in AA? If so, do you have a sponsor? They may have some suggestions. You would probably benefit from Al-Anon. Al-Anon is about you, not your qualifier, but you will find support there from others dealing with a spouse in active addiction or in recovery.

Just my take...it sounds like you need to set some boundaries for yourself so you don't feel you are enabling and therefore resenting him. For example...I will not drive AH to/from the club. Resentments are expectations that are not met, and so it can be necessary to remove or lower your expectations (sometimes significantly).

Keep reading and posting here...I think you will find it helpful.

LSC1

Thanks CarryOn

I actually forgot abou this post. I wasn't even sure if I had posted in this forum.

I have found the F and F very helpful. I actually spend a lot of time "lurking" here.

I find many of the stickies very confronting.

I have started reading "Codependent No More". I am half way thru it and have stalled as it is just too confronting and I am not ready to deal with what I am reading.

It is rather ironic that I have linked up two families (of kids I teach) with Al anon in my town in the last 6 months. Both families have found it very helpful. I know their alkies go to AA meetings. I live in a smallish town and would find it awkward go to either AA meetings or Alanon meetings as I know both meetings have parents attending of kids I teach. Travelling out of town is difficult.

So where am I at? Well nothing has changed.

I keep looking for the ideal time to speak to my hubby about how I feel and how unhappy I am. That ideal date never seems to come. It was easier to plan my quit date then trying to plan the date I talk to him. I worry I might start WW3 in my house. There is always a significant event in the family calender that I don't want ruined by a confrontation and possible seperation. I keep quiet because of my kids. I stay in this relationship because of my kids. He is a good Dad most of the time.

I keep whinging to my friends in chat and not listening to their advice.

I feel I need the adrenlin of emotion to say what I feel. I wish I could do it when I am just calm and things are OK. I KNOW I need to. I am just scared.

I have free counselling available for him and me thru work. But my fear stops me from making that call.

I just need to find my courage and speak to him. When I drank if i needed some "Dutch Courage" before I did something I was worried about it was easy to find in a bottle.

My fear is irrational. He will not get violent. He could refuse to leave. He could refuse to attend counselling. I doubt he will consider stopping drinking. Even tho I am concerned about the long term effects of it on his health and his drunken behaviour upsets me sometimes. I doubt I will every be brave enough to share these feelings. If I don't tell him I know nothing will change.

I worry about change. Short term accomodation for me or him. The kids will stay in the house. I have only told one friend about the marriage issues. A male friend who is trying to reconcile with his wife. I can't turn up on his front door step in the middle of the night if WW3 breaks out and I walk out. Well I could... but ... it just is not the appropriate person for me to turn to. I have one female friend ... but .. I don't want her teenage daughter to be dragged into this. He has mates from the club he could use for short term accomodation... but will he go peacefully.

His work is on and off. ANother unknown factor. I gotta stop projecting... but without work he won't be able to afford suitable long-accomodation for the kids to stay with him.

My 3rd sober Christmas is just around the corner. I want to be happy this Christmas.

I need to be brave.

lillamy

I feel like I want to go in two different directions responding to your post.

First of all -- it feels like you're downplaying the effects of his drinking on you when you're talking about it. But it seeps through that you're really dang unhappy -- even if he is You also said in your first post that I think what you're talking about, when you get to the point with a person that you are walking on eggshells and running around like a soccer goalie trying to cover all the angles, is emotional and verbal abuse. And that's just as bad as, and sometimes as destructive as, physical abuse.

I'm wondering if you are quite honest with yourself about the extent of the harm he is doing to you?

You also speak quite a bit about fear.
There should never be fear in a functioning relationship. I might be uncomfortable bringing up something I know will be hurtful for my spouse to hear -- but if I fear talking about a certain subject, then there is a power play going on that is unhealthy.

I think what I'm saying is -- if you fear talking to him, you have good reason for it.
I also hear you trying to talk yourself out of it -- I hope I'm wrong. But what my experience tells me is that if you have to tell yourself your fear is irrational and he will not get violent? You're probably concocting a lie to convince yourself. Your fear is probably completely rational. And you probably do think, somewhere, that he might get violent. Or you wouldn't mention that possibility.

Or maybe I'm just flashing back to where I was when I wanted to leave my ex. I said the same things. He will never get violent. And then he did.

So I guess what I'm saying is -- if you need to find bravery to discuss your husband's drinking with him, that's enough of a warning sign. If you feel concerned about how he will react, I would simply not bring it up until you've made a plan of action -- one which includes what do you do and where do you go if he gets violent. Does he have access to weapons? Do you have somewhere safe you can go? Maybe it would be good to have a plan set up before bringing this up, if you're concerned about his reaction?

And trust me, I'm saying this with the deepest of understanding. I was exactly there. Even thinking "if only he would hit me, then I could leave." It doesn't have to go that far. You have every right to not live with an addict. Every. Right.

CodeJob

Hello there LSC1, call up the counselor for you. Go on your own. I think it might be a good avenue since AA/Al Anon is not an option for you at this moment. I cringed reading Codependent No More! Although I recognized me all too easily, I was surprised to realize my AH was described there too!

All the best,

LGL

You can only control yourself... go to counseling and if he goes along, be glad for that.
If he doesn't, what can you do?
Take care of yourself.

anattaboy

I'm a stay-at-home-dad and got sober a week before my wife and had to leave. Living together drunk was a challenge but with one sober-one drunk was impossible for me. That only took a few days in my case but may never in others. AlAnon or FandF here may help more than this forum.

hopeful4

Go to the counselor. This will help you face whatever you decide to do and give you a support system. Part of the toxicity of alcoholism is the isolation both the addict and the families of put themselves in.

God Bless!

LSC1

Thanks to all of you for your responses.

I may have used the wrong word when I used "scared".

I guess I am more worried about the unknown. His reaction to what I say. If he just leaves and says manage the family by yourself .. how will i manage? That sounds so pathetic. If I act and we seperate (wow I deleted that twice before leaving it there).

How do I fulfill the things he DOES do in this relationship. How do I make sure my kids day to day routine is not impacted. He is functional father till I drop him off at the club everyday.

My hubby is the head chef in our house.I have been trying to cook more this last 2 years. He basically controls the finances (pays the bills and does most of the shopping)(I am the primary wage earner). He works casually.He does a great job stretching the income. I am starting to to get more involved in this regards... a big step for me.

He was a "Mr Mum" when I had to go back to work after my kids. So he is great when i have overnight work duties (not regular but they do happen).

So I keep weighing everything up. NOt knowing how he will react as far as being involved in the family is a real concern for me. He has a tendency to say (in the heat of the moment) "If YOUR not happy YOU can do IT ALL".

And as far as going to a counsellor ... PRIDE continues to get in my way. I have always been the listener. I listened to my Dad as a teenager when MUm died, my school friends, and my sister in laws , and my adult female friends... i hate admitting to anyone that i need help or that I am not coping.

I have yet to establish a plan in case I need somewhere to stay... because that means telling someone that I need help.

If I start talking to a counsellor GAWD only knows what will spill out of my mouth.

Sorry for the waffle and thanks for listening

Eddiebuckle

True, that. I agree that counseling is your best option.

Until you get fed up enough to actually go to an appointment with a therapist, have you considered writing all of it down? In what ways is this relationship not what it could be, how you respond to that to keep the dance going, how that makes you feel, what you imagine life without him (or with him sober) would be like, your fears associated with those possible outcomes, etc.

There is something about putting our thoughts in black and white, longhand on paper, that releases some of the pain and makes the issues and possibilities easier to understand and accept. Just a thought.

Regardless, this is your real life - not the dress rehearsal; treat it accordingly.

LSC1

Thanks Eddie

I am kinda writing an Autobigraphy about my life in general ATM. I am kinda exploring the substance abuse issues in my lie and the impact of significant relationships.It has been an interesting exercise.

The idea about writing about the marriage specificallyis confronting BUT it is a good idea.

I have the holidays coming up. So I have some time on my hands.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know I need to be told

allforcnm

LSC,

I have to agree that counseling would be good for you, and for your husband. Your post reminded me of an article I read over at Smart recovery.. Im going to link it here.. I found it to be very true...we don't actually live in a vacuum... when we are part of a family, the interactions, changes often cause a see saw effect in the family system. Learning to understand, manage our own feelings and responses is so very helpful.. communication with our partner, even if there is a possibility of divorce IMO is also important -especially if we have kids. Very sorry for the situation your in, but I do hope this Christmas is a happy one. Your getting a good start on making it one. Congratulations on your sobriety...

SMART Recovery® - Family Systems

LSC1

Hi All

That was an interesting read allforcn.

Well I am speaking out at home and he doesn't like it. It is mainly about money and his ever ready supply of a social life and alcohol. Unfotunately his job has dried up ATM and we are relying on my income solely. He has always managed our finances very well and I am not questioning his management. I just need to be more "in the loop" I feel about where our money is going etc.

The angst at home is pretty meh and this is only the first issue I want to deal with.

I did ring the counselling number and hung up. But picking up the phone is the start I guess.

I really appreciate your replies.

LSC1

Well I finally sucked it up and told my hubby how I feel yesterday morning. It went well. No angry screaming match. No ultimations on by behalf, just focused on my sadness. Maybe a tiny bit teary. But he listened.

WHAT A RELIEF!!!!!!!!!

He is going to the doctor today. I am hopeful he will address everything we talked about.

We will see what happens.

I am mindful that he wont stop drinking for ME and he has to want to do it for himself.

At least I have a little more hope for the future as a couple today.

lillamy

I'm glad he's seeing a doctor. That's a good first step.

firebolt

Hang in there you. It takes A LOT of work to get to the point where we are more focused on our own futures, than we are on their reactions and feelings. NICE WORK - keep at it!

CodeJob

Hey I am glad you spoke up with your H! I hope things improve for you day by day with your ongoing recovery!

Speaking my truth has been difficult for me at times. I hope you have bucked up and finished Codependent No More and started counseling! If not, what great ways to kick off new recovery steps for the New Year?!