out-of-control behaviour
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
out-of-control behaviour
Hello everyone,
I haven’t posted in quite a while. Some of you may recall I decided to leave my abusive AH last August after 25 years of marriage. I have three teenage sons, ages 14, 16, 18. My lawyer recommended a schedule for us to share the house until it was sold. The schedule was designed to minimize the time we would cross paths. The house was sold and we had to be out by January 31st. Unfortunately, in the few times we did see each other, my AH was aggressive, enraged, mean, insulting and totally disrespectful towards me. I ignored him most the time but the bullying and harassment and the threats (vague ones that intimated that I would have to “pay” for leaving him) continued. I went to the police on several occasions but was basically told that unless he was making threats of bodily harm, there was nothing that could be done. I had called the police just before I told him I wanted a divorce, after he pushed me in front of our 14 year old son. I did not lay charges at that time.
The bullying and insults escalated as our move date approached. I kept reminding myself that I only had a few more weeks to go, and then I wouldn’t have to endure this abuse any longer. How wrong I was! He returned to the house one evening 3 weeks ago after I had spent the weekend moving some items out of the house with the help of my 2 older sons, items that I was entitled to take. When he saw that items had been moved out of the house, he became completely enraged. He started rifling through boxes of personal items of mine in my bedroom, including a box of scrapbooking material. I asked him to stop and knelt on the floor with my hands in the box while his were in the box as well. Our arms were touching. Suddenly, he threw himself backwards, landing on my open suitcase behind us, and claimed I had pushed him and that he would call the police! He jumped up and ran to my sons who were in the hallway and said: “Look what your mother did to me! You’re my witnesses now, you have to be my witnesses! I did less than this to your mother last summer and she called the police!!” I stayed in my bedroom and picked up all the items that had fallen out the box that by then had been broken. I also locked the bedroom door as I was scared by then of his rage and irrational behaviour. My AH twice picked the lock to the bedroom door to continue raging at me. The following morning I went to my neighbour’s house to get help and to see through my lawyer if I could get a restraining order. Shortly thereafter the police arrived in front of my house and they arrested me on charges of “assault” and “conjugal violence.” I was handcuffed, fingerprinted, placed in a cell, etc. No one ever asked me what happened! I was eventually released with a Promise to Appear and adherence to a restraining order barring me from communicating with my AH except under specific circumstances and from being allowed access to the family home. My new defense attorney tells me it’s extremely rare for such charges to be laid against a woman.
My boys were extremely upset and defended me to their father. They don’t believe him and they have told me they will testify against him if this ever goes to trial. They also had to move most of my stuff out of the house due to the order barring my access to the house.
At the same time, the boys were supposed to be on a shared custody schedule with their father (not my choice) and they lasted only 3 nights in the first week. They returned to my new house due to his drunkenness. They subsequently contacted my AH’s brother to tell him their father is an alcoholic and needs help.
Has anyone ever experienced such crazy, irrational, vindictive behaviour when trying to leave their AH or had false charges laid against them? Is the alcohol fuelling his rage and affecting his judgment? I’m still stunned, angry, and floored by how low he could go and how little respect he has shown the mother of his children. I followed my attorney’s advice and have cut all communication with him and I’ve also been told to never ever be alone with him. I’m still scared of what he could be capable of seeing as he managed to pull off a stunt like this. I would appreciate hearing your thoughts.
I haven’t posted in quite a while. Some of you may recall I decided to leave my abusive AH last August after 25 years of marriage. I have three teenage sons, ages 14, 16, 18. My lawyer recommended a schedule for us to share the house until it was sold. The schedule was designed to minimize the time we would cross paths. The house was sold and we had to be out by January 31st. Unfortunately, in the few times we did see each other, my AH was aggressive, enraged, mean, insulting and totally disrespectful towards me. I ignored him most the time but the bullying and harassment and the threats (vague ones that intimated that I would have to “pay” for leaving him) continued. I went to the police on several occasions but was basically told that unless he was making threats of bodily harm, there was nothing that could be done. I had called the police just before I told him I wanted a divorce, after he pushed me in front of our 14 year old son. I did not lay charges at that time.
The bullying and insults escalated as our move date approached. I kept reminding myself that I only had a few more weeks to go, and then I wouldn’t have to endure this abuse any longer. How wrong I was! He returned to the house one evening 3 weeks ago after I had spent the weekend moving some items out of the house with the help of my 2 older sons, items that I was entitled to take. When he saw that items had been moved out of the house, he became completely enraged. He started rifling through boxes of personal items of mine in my bedroom, including a box of scrapbooking material. I asked him to stop and knelt on the floor with my hands in the box while his were in the box as well. Our arms were touching. Suddenly, he threw himself backwards, landing on my open suitcase behind us, and claimed I had pushed him and that he would call the police! He jumped up and ran to my sons who were in the hallway and said: “Look what your mother did to me! You’re my witnesses now, you have to be my witnesses! I did less than this to your mother last summer and she called the police!!” I stayed in my bedroom and picked up all the items that had fallen out the box that by then had been broken. I also locked the bedroom door as I was scared by then of his rage and irrational behaviour. My AH twice picked the lock to the bedroom door to continue raging at me. The following morning I went to my neighbour’s house to get help and to see through my lawyer if I could get a restraining order. Shortly thereafter the police arrived in front of my house and they arrested me on charges of “assault” and “conjugal violence.” I was handcuffed, fingerprinted, placed in a cell, etc. No one ever asked me what happened! I was eventually released with a Promise to Appear and adherence to a restraining order barring me from communicating with my AH except under specific circumstances and from being allowed access to the family home. My new defense attorney tells me it’s extremely rare for such charges to be laid against a woman.
My boys were extremely upset and defended me to their father. They don’t believe him and they have told me they will testify against him if this ever goes to trial. They also had to move most of my stuff out of the house due to the order barring my access to the house.
At the same time, the boys were supposed to be on a shared custody schedule with their father (not my choice) and they lasted only 3 nights in the first week. They returned to my new house due to his drunkenness. They subsequently contacted my AH’s brother to tell him their father is an alcoholic and needs help.
Has anyone ever experienced such crazy, irrational, vindictive behaviour when trying to leave their AH or had false charges laid against them? Is the alcohol fuelling his rage and affecting his judgment? I’m still stunned, angry, and floored by how low he could go and how little respect he has shown the mother of his children. I followed my attorney’s advice and have cut all communication with him and I’ve also been told to never ever be alone with him. I’m still scared of what he could be capable of seeing as he managed to pull off a stunt like this. I would appreciate hearing your thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
It could be the alcohol or it could just be that he is an angry, vindictive, nasty, aggressive human being. What is clear to me is that he holds no goodwill toward you at all, and you should take steps to keep yourself and your children safe.
I am so sorry all this is happening to you.
I am so sorry all this is happening to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Actually, it ISN'T that uncommon for a domestic violence victim to be arrested.
It stinks! It has happened to me....they fill out a statement, swear it is true and the law enforcement acts on it.
If you attempt to defend yourself you wind up with he/she statements and you are both arrested and then he uses that to blackmail you into his getting the charges dropped.
Been there done that.
What's worse....you may find that you are urged to plea bargain and that you may be convicted.
I have a DV conviction from biting the hand that was choking me.
Please do not underestimate his capability for revenge and violence!
I have been stalked, had my home broken into, my car broken into..more of that crap than I wish to remember.
You are in the most dangerous time as you are getting free.
Please read some of the stickies about abuse up top..they will help to identify these behaviors, help you gauge what you might expect and give you tips to protect yourself.
I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, it is indeed crazy!
hugs,
Live
It stinks! It has happened to me....they fill out a statement, swear it is true and the law enforcement acts on it.
If you attempt to defend yourself you wind up with he/she statements and you are both arrested and then he uses that to blackmail you into his getting the charges dropped.
Been there done that.
What's worse....you may find that you are urged to plea bargain and that you may be convicted.
I have a DV conviction from biting the hand that was choking me.
Please do not underestimate his capability for revenge and violence!
I have been stalked, had my home broken into, my car broken into..more of that crap than I wish to remember.
You are in the most dangerous time as you are getting free.
Please read some of the stickies about abuse up top..they will help to identify these behaviors, help you gauge what you might expect and give you tips to protect yourself.
I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, it is indeed crazy!
hugs,
Live
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I agree with what Stella said.
This guy would be a creep even without alcohol.
The description you've given me is despicable.
A grown man throwing a vindictive temper tantrum.
I hope it shows you that you were nothing more than a possession to him.
And this is exactly what a child does when you take their possesssions from them.
A two hundred pound toddler slobbering and screaming on the floor.
Sometimes the price is high to get them gone.
I'm so glad for you to have the support of your sons.
My one thing is -
even if the cops told you they can do nothing bla bla bla...
YOU ... keep a log.
Of everything.
Every
thing.
Every nasty call,
every hornhonk going past your new place... everything.
That got me my restraining order.
*hugs*
This guy would be a creep even without alcohol.
The description you've given me is despicable.
A grown man throwing a vindictive temper tantrum.
I hope it shows you that you were nothing more than a possession to him.
And this is exactly what a child does when you take their possesssions from them.
A two hundred pound toddler slobbering and screaming on the floor.
Sometimes the price is high to get them gone.
I'm so glad for you to have the support of your sons.
My one thing is -
even if the cops told you they can do nothing bla bla bla...
YOU ... keep a log.
Of everything.
Every
thing.
Every nasty call,
every hornhonk going past your new place... everything.
That got me my restraining order.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i have no experience with violence, but want to say how sorry i am that you are going through this. how very, very awful. he will have no family and likely never see the truth. he is making his bed; he must lie in it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Venice!!! This happened to me, too! My Alcoholic babys father and I have had to be together at times in the last year due to our son being ill with a tumor.
There have been two times that he threw himself on the ground, once threatening to call police, and once doing it. The police asked him if I had assaulted him, and he said yes, but I told them what had happened. No charges were filed, but I think it was because he ended up denying having called the police..(whatever! Crazy just does not make sense.)
Listen, when I realized that he was capable of doing this to me, I saw a lawyer. The lawyer advised me to openly tell him that every phone call would be recorded. He heard that, then forgot. I have, in fact recorded almost every call. I have him going from calm, even serene to psycho all within a few hours between 4 calls in one day on record. My lawyer feels that since I informed him(on recording) that he was being recorded, that it is legal, and that I have enough evidence to prove he is unstable, addicted, and an unreliable person. If he ever tries to do this again, he will be in for it. It is also going to be invaluable if I ever need a PFA, or proof of instablility if he tries to take custody(which he occasionally threatens).
I also keep a journal of every interaction we have, and tell a friend to note when he does aggressive actions. This way, I am covered. '
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is juvenile and vindictive. I will never forget how my mind was blown the first time he threw himself down and pretended that I had struck him. You really realize how crazy the crazy has become!
I am thinking of you. Hang in there. Most judges can see right through this stuff.
There have been two times that he threw himself on the ground, once threatening to call police, and once doing it. The police asked him if I had assaulted him, and he said yes, but I told them what had happened. No charges were filed, but I think it was because he ended up denying having called the police..(whatever! Crazy just does not make sense.)
Listen, when I realized that he was capable of doing this to me, I saw a lawyer. The lawyer advised me to openly tell him that every phone call would be recorded. He heard that, then forgot. I have, in fact recorded almost every call. I have him going from calm, even serene to psycho all within a few hours between 4 calls in one day on record. My lawyer feels that since I informed him(on recording) that he was being recorded, that it is legal, and that I have enough evidence to prove he is unstable, addicted, and an unreliable person. If he ever tries to do this again, he will be in for it. It is also going to be invaluable if I ever need a PFA, or proof of instablility if he tries to take custody(which he occasionally threatens).
I also keep a journal of every interaction we have, and tell a friend to note when he does aggressive actions. This way, I am covered. '
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is juvenile and vindictive. I will never forget how my mind was blown the first time he threw himself down and pretended that I had struck him. You really realize how crazy the crazy has become!
I am thinking of you. Hang in there. Most judges can see right through this stuff.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Venice 
Hello everyone,
Has anyone ever experienced such crazy, irrational, vindictive behaviour when trying to leave their AH or had false charges laid against them? Is the alcohol fuelling his rage and affecting his judgment? I’m still stunned, angry, and floored by how low he could go and how little respect he has shown the mother of his children.
Has anyone ever experienced such crazy, irrational, vindictive behaviour when trying to leave their AH or had false charges laid against them? Is the alcohol fuelling his rage and affecting his judgment? I’m still stunned, angry, and floored by how low he could go and how little respect he has shown the mother of his children.
My ex girlfriend, while she didn't call the police-she took out a restraining order!-would get very nasty and vindictive every time I initiated a break up.
Every time. Makes you wonder how someone can go from 'loving' you to hating you in such a short timespan. Really, she would act like a teenager, can recall that very thought reading a text message from her "I hate you!" She did better this last time, but the emotions were identical, just used different language. I guess you could say it was the same.
Just what alcoholics/addicts do, I'm never surprised by anything I read here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
Barb,
Thank you Barb. I have actually been keeping a journal of everything he's been doing and saying to me since shortly before I told him I wanted a divorce. I'm still keeping up with the journal and I hope it will demonstrate the vindictive pattern of his behaviour.
Yes, this is exactly what I've been thinking for some time now.
YOU ... keep a log.
Of everything.
Every
thing.
Every nasty call,
every hornhonk going past your new place... everything.
That got me my restraining order.
Of everything.
Every
thing.
Every nasty call,
every hornhonk going past your new place... everything.
That got me my restraining order.
I hope it shows you that you were nothing more than a possession to him.
And this is exactly what a child does when you take their possesssions from them.
And this is exactly what a child does when you take their possesssions from them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
I also keep a journal of every interaction we have, and tell a friend to note when he does aggressive actions. This way, I am covered. '
Most judges can see right through this stuff.
Yes, I've been keeping a journal for months now. I hope you're right, that a judge will see through it. He also has sent me his share of nasty, nasty emails, all of which I've kept, so I hope this will help too!
Thanks for the words of support.
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