lost sue

I am going to alanon and also going to therapy. I am hoping between the two I will have some answers for me.

FormerDoormat

Thank you, LTD. That's why I believe that questions about alcoholics should be posted on the Alcoholics forum. Not only can recovering alcoholics answer questions such as these better than non-addicts can, but questions about alcoholics and alcoholism tend to attract lots of recovering addicts to this forum, they keep the participants here focused on what the alcoholic is doing or not doing and not on themselves, and active alcoholics or those new to recovery can inadvertently push the buttons of the folks on this forum in their attempts to offer help and unknowingly keep folks here stuck in their addiction.

I can only speak for myself, but some days I feel squeezed out of a place I thought was predominantly home for friends and family of alcoholics and "double winners."

My response here is not an attempt to control who posts on this forum, but simply to ask for what I need. I need the F&F forum to be a place for friends and family of alcoholics that focuses only on friends and family of alcoholics. I've learned that if I don't ask for what I need, I often don't get it.

emilystrange

that sounds really good. but my question is: how do you define whether he looks drunk? surely you might think he's drunk but he will deny it? well my bf would deny it even if he stumbled around after 12 beers..how does that work as a boundary?

Volleygirl

i'm curious about those boundaries too.

lost sue

Saying no alcohol is ever allowed in the house. Saying if they have to drink they need to stay somewhere else. You can't be around the kids if you drink. I already have a couch with my name on it that stops any physical activity. I am sometimes even worried about that. What are good boundries I could use some advice in that area.
Sue

ToughChoices

Anvilhead asks really good questions, Sue.

My boundaries look like:

If you _________, I will ___________.

There is a line and an action in response to violation of that line.
The action takes care of me.

So you don't want alcohol in your home. This is understandable. Think about why the presence of alcohol bothers you.
Now.
What will you do if he brings alcohol into your home?
You can't FORCE him to keep the home you share alcohol-free.
If he decides he wants to bring home a bottle, he's going to do it.

What could you do?

Taking5

Lost Sue,

LaTeeDah and FormerDormat make excellent points. If your AH wants help, HE should sign on to Sober Recoery and ask these questions in the alcoholism forums.

Since you asked, (especially about w/d symptoms) I answered.

IMO, the problem with the idea that this board should be for helping F&F of the alkie/addict, is that the average new F&F poster sees this forum and logically assumes this is where to post to get help for their A. And at this stage in the game, help for their A EQUALS help for the F&F member. Few at this point know much if anything about co-dependence, boundries, taking care of yourself, etc.

In that sense, (again IMHO) this forum is exactly where this post belongs. Its just that help for you may or may not include help for your AH.

There have been some great replies here on exactly these 3 subjects: co-dependence, boundries, taking care of yourself. I hope you take them to heart and I hope your AH gets better.

lost sue

I have found a lot of answers to questions here. I didn't really know what to expect when he wanted to quit drinking without any help and I myself didn't really know what I have been dealing with all these years. I thought this was a normal life. I lived in a non drinking home growing up and very rarely saw my parents drink at a party. I have now started alanon and I can't wait for my therapy session on Wednesday. I think I have found ways to cope and I have books to read when things are more settled from the holidays. Thanks for putting up with questions that I have that I maybe should have asked else where. I really have learned some things in the past couple of weeks.
Sue:ghug2

embraced2000

i think it is important to remember that most of us on this forum have had to deal with some real hard arse cases.....that's why we are here. to seperate ourselves out from the drama and begin to build a life of our own.

i have known many people that quit without help. no problem. i have known people tht quit, and almost died. one just never really knows what the outcome will be.

one thing we have all learned is that alcoholics are famous for lying to themselves and to others, with all the good intentions in the world, thus, the tough questions from LaTeeDa and fd......we've learned to make a plan for ourselves and accept thatss alcoholics will choose what they choose, regardless of our "help", our "support", etc.

ICant

Just to clarify, these are my boundaries not the original poster. I personally no longer care if my husband drinks to the point of passing out. I have detached. His behaviour is not about me, he is not an extension of me, he is not my other half, his behaviour does not reflect badly on me.

My boundaries are to protect my children 1 and 3 years old. I don't want them witnessing drunken behaviour until they are old enough for it to be their choice. He has agreed to these boundaries. The consequence is that I will separate. This is not an empty threat, nor an ultimatum. So if he was to bring alcohol into the home, I would know that he isn't taking the boundary seriously. I will make arrangements to separate.

If he was to act in a drunken manner whether he admitted it or not, once again I will make arrangements to separate. My boundary is for my children. It isn't for him to 'see the light and repent his ways'.

Lost sue - for the first time in my life, the day I let go of my worry about my husband's drinking, I feel so good and in control of my own life. I also had to let go of my desire to keep the marriage however the consequences you put in place are up to you.