Cmslind

I have lived with an alcoholic boyfriend for three years. My challenge is that, like another writer on this post noted about their husban he is often fairly capable and seems ok. Although I know he is drinking he has become extremely adept at hiding the booze. odd things happen though. . . Liquor bottles disappear, rise and fall in level (I assume he is topping off bottles with others so I dont know), bottles of wine appear in different refrigerators, alcohol breath. Of course when I call him on it he tells me I'm crazy and for a long time I thought I was. We've been through the various drills: he'll only drink beer, no hard liquor, maybe a glass of wine, but then it goes right back to vodka or whiskey, drunk at our parties, etc etc. Whole thing is made worse in that he is out of work and so I pay all the bills. He has a little money from selling his stuff so that's where the booze comes from I suppose. I've now decided that I am enabling both drinking and his unemployment and fortunately because the house is in my name only I will have him evicted. Seems that is my only course to force him to help himself. Am I doig he right thing?

Just4me

Okay, I've spent a lifetime with alcoholics...my father and my fiance. I have also done lots of research and spent countless hours on this forum. I will tell you what is working for me; I say working because I'm still in the middle of it!! These may not work for you, but they did help me.

1. Going to therapy...sometimes I see him once a week, sometimes once a month. Just depends how things are going for me.

2. Researched alcoholism.

3. Found this forum and spent countless hours reading everyone's stories, opinions, etc. It's amazing what progress I've made in the last month just having a place to vent and support from others going through what I am.

4. Set some boundaries to protect myself and how I feel. NO alcohol or being intoxicated on my property...tonight my fiance is at a hotel, I'm assuming so he can get drunk. I'm slightly lonely, but happy he's not here drunk!

5. I found ways to get my feelings out, even if I couldn't talk to the alcoholic (friends, journal, posting here, telling the dog...whatever it took!)

I know lots of people on this website will tell you to run. Just leave her and don't look back. That was hard for me to hear because I wasn't ready to do that yet. The best post was when someone said, "do you have to make any decision today?". No, I didn't and no you don't . Take time, understand what's going on, and then take whatever time you need to decide what is best for you. Mabye it's staying and maybe it's leaving, only you can decide.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with her. It's so hard and draining

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Cmslind!

This is an older thread from 2007 that you have posted on. Some of these members are no longer active.

May I suggest opening a new thread to introduce you to the rest of the family, you will receive lots of information and support that way.

In the meantime, please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

This link is to one of our permanent posts that contains steps that have helped many of us, myself included:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

TeM

That's been my experience, as well. I gradually learned that arguing with AW about her drinking simply never helps, even when she's sober. I've tried anger, helpful suggestions, encouragement and snark. She always resumes her drinking eventually, even after weeks of sobriety. I find it more helpful for my peace of mind to just detach and go about the business of living my own life as best I can.

As others have suggested, it may be helpful to keep reading and posting here... even if it only gives you a place to vent. I have found it very therapeutic, even though I am light years away from solving my own problem.

Best of luck.

Alone22

I'm glad this was dug up... I needed to read the wisdom on this thread. I too deal with a closet drinker (well really garage drinker). It seems as if we have played this game of sneak and drink for years. The better I got at catching him, the better he became at hiding it. The better I got at reading his lies, the better the lier he became. Now I really try to just trust my gut on it, and focus on the behavior rather than if he has had a drink or not. I know the root of our marriage issues is his drinking. He knows this, will try to quit (has for up to 6 months) but yet always returns to his first love. At least I now know it is not me and I try to not take it personally. For years I would tell myself that he must not like me much (only time he wanted to spend time with me was in bed). I felt used, unloved, not liked and hurt. Now I know this is what alcoholism has done to our relationship. I don't bother to argue about it anymore. I see it and him for what it is. I can either choose to stay in a marriage with a reclusive man who shows me little or no affection or I can get out of this marriage. At this point the only thing keeping me in this marriage is I am a stay at home mom with 3 kids. Now that I have learned to detach from his issues and not be baited into arguments I feel calmer. I have to say however I miss the man he used to be. It is hard to be in what feels like a loveless marriage.