tough love or Kid Gloves for my daughter?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
tough love or Kid Gloves for my daughter?
Sorry in advance for how long this ended up being.
Its been 6 or 7 months since the last event with my daughter, or, at least since I wrote here at my wit's end asking what to do. Its happening again and I don't know what to do. any experience, strength, hope, and advice would be greatly appreciated.
BG: I live on the east coast, and, till May, she lived on the west coast. (shes 26). She flounders in her life, because she is not totally functioning due to emotional and psychological problems, and she refuses treatment or therapy. For example, she suffers from panic/anxiety and being in cars triggers it, so she cannot and will not drive a car. She is also a hypochondriac and OCD, to the degree that she cannot/willnot work in various enviornments , thinking the air is toxic and that it will kill her or cause her to go crazy.
She is obsessed to the same degree about her diet. Everything must be organic or else she fears that she will die or get immediately ill. Now she has added "stress" to the list of offenders that she must avoid, fearing that "stress" will cause her to have a heart attack.
So, she came to my house in May with no money, virtually homeless, with an ever changing (head-spinninly unstable and chaotic) plan for where to move to. Literally, she changed her mind daily. It was agreeed that she would not stay at my home for more than a few weeks, but, she had NO money and NO means to leave.
She is/was limited in her options because her "next" place (she has been bouncing around forever) had to be a city which is bicycle-friendly, temperate, free of air pollution, and affordable. (meaning $300 month for an apartment of her own)
I disengaged from her process, knowing that I needed to maintain my own stability and just be like an anchor. I was supportive, to a degree, of all announced plans and new ideas, no matter that I just knew she was spinning her wheels. I also employed her in my business so she could gather some money to move on with. This part was very difficult for me because she was very unreliable, and would not show up some days because it was too stressful, etc etc. I used it as a practice in patience.
OK. So, last Tuesday, she asked to go to the ER b/c she felt her heart was failing and she wanted to get it checked. I took her, but did not get all worked up over it, dropped her off and when she was finished, I found out that: her heart is fine and the Doc told her to "avoid stress".
So, night before last, I came in the house, she is doubled over, saying she cannot breathe, her heart hurts, it feels like a heart attack, and she begs for a ride to the ER. It was 1am. I tell her, "ok. Get in the car. Lets go."
A mile away from the house, she says she's fine, and wants to go home. I told her that I don't take heart attacks lightly and that I AM taking her to the hospital. My reasoning was to get her to get some sort of medical/psych attention, because she really needs it.
At this, she begins to freak out, furious that I will not take her back home on demand, so she opens the car windows and proceeds to shriek, at the top of her lungs, "I'm dying. Let me out of this car so I can die out in nature. I want to die outside!" bla bla bla. This continued ALL the way to the ER.
Of course, there was nothing wrong with her heart and they told her to avoid stress. (note: my life style is about as tranquil and stress-less as it could be. I live in a rural setting, run a yoga studio and enjoy life with animals and flowers)
So, today was the end of the line for this insanity: I told her she must either get to a psychologist, get medication and counseling, which I offered to pay for, or leave. Immediately, as in by tomorrow. I will spare you most of the sordid details, but it was not pretty. It became traumatic, dramatic, mean, violent, insane. She finally packed up, after lots of horrible attacks on me, saying that I am abusive (I think she interprets a healthy boundary as evil)
and am the cause of her problems.
She opted NOT to get treatment and to leave, to visit her father. Her decision, however, changed at the VERY last moment, from wanting to get on the train to see her father, to wanting to be admitted to a "mental hospital" (her worsd). At this point, she was disintegrated on the floor in a heap of tears. It was terribly painful to see.
On the way to the hospital, she tried to cause a car accident, and succeeded in breaking my windshield. I am a basket case. She did admit herself to a walk-in ER, but she refused to allow me in to see or visit or even call her. I tried to inform the nurse of her actions so that they would take her case seriously, because now I think she is dangerous to herself and others, but, the nurse would not talk to me because she is an adult.
Thats where things stand right now. I am hurting soo much over this. I feel terrible, sometimes feeling guilty even though intellectually I know I did not cause this. The mean things she said, like that she feels she is dying of a broken heart because I don't love her and never have, are just too much to take.
Is there anything at this point that I can do to get her help or do I have to let it go? She does NOT drink or take drugs of any kind. She may be alcoholic, (both of her parents are) but this is not a substance-related issue. She was diagnosed Bi Polar years ago, in addition to the Anxiety/Panic, OCD, and ADD. It does seem like she is open, finally, to getting medical help, which is good. But, I also think that she will be released and nothing will change and that her life will just spiral way down.
I called my sponsors in AA and Alanon who helped alot and they are both advising tough love. It feels harsh to me. Is that appropriate in Mental Illness?
Its been 6 or 7 months since the last event with my daughter, or, at least since I wrote here at my wit's end asking what to do. Its happening again and I don't know what to do. any experience, strength, hope, and advice would be greatly appreciated.
BG: I live on the east coast, and, till May, she lived on the west coast. (shes 26). She flounders in her life, because she is not totally functioning due to emotional and psychological problems, and she refuses treatment or therapy. For example, she suffers from panic/anxiety and being in cars triggers it, so she cannot and will not drive a car. She is also a hypochondriac and OCD, to the degree that she cannot/willnot work in various enviornments , thinking the air is toxic and that it will kill her or cause her to go crazy.
She is obsessed to the same degree about her diet. Everything must be organic or else she fears that she will die or get immediately ill. Now she has added "stress" to the list of offenders that she must avoid, fearing that "stress" will cause her to have a heart attack.
So, she came to my house in May with no money, virtually homeless, with an ever changing (head-spinninly unstable and chaotic) plan for where to move to. Literally, she changed her mind daily. It was agreeed that she would not stay at my home for more than a few weeks, but, she had NO money and NO means to leave.
She is/was limited in her options because her "next" place (she has been bouncing around forever) had to be a city which is bicycle-friendly, temperate, free of air pollution, and affordable. (meaning $300 month for an apartment of her own)
I disengaged from her process, knowing that I needed to maintain my own stability and just be like an anchor. I was supportive, to a degree, of all announced plans and new ideas, no matter that I just knew she was spinning her wheels. I also employed her in my business so she could gather some money to move on with. This part was very difficult for me because she was very unreliable, and would not show up some days because it was too stressful, etc etc. I used it as a practice in patience.
OK. So, last Tuesday, she asked to go to the ER b/c she felt her heart was failing and she wanted to get it checked. I took her, but did not get all worked up over it, dropped her off and when she was finished, I found out that: her heart is fine and the Doc told her to "avoid stress".
So, night before last, I came in the house, she is doubled over, saying she cannot breathe, her heart hurts, it feels like a heart attack, and she begs for a ride to the ER. It was 1am. I tell her, "ok. Get in the car. Lets go."
A mile away from the house, she says she's fine, and wants to go home. I told her that I don't take heart attacks lightly and that I AM taking her to the hospital. My reasoning was to get her to get some sort of medical/psych attention, because she really needs it.
At this, she begins to freak out, furious that I will not take her back home on demand, so she opens the car windows and proceeds to shriek, at the top of her lungs, "I'm dying. Let me out of this car so I can die out in nature. I want to die outside!" bla bla bla. This continued ALL the way to the ER.
Of course, there was nothing wrong with her heart and they told her to avoid stress. (note: my life style is about as tranquil and stress-less as it could be. I live in a rural setting, run a yoga studio and enjoy life with animals and flowers)
So, today was the end of the line for this insanity: I told her she must either get to a psychologist, get medication and counseling, which I offered to pay for, or leave. Immediately, as in by tomorrow. I will spare you most of the sordid details, but it was not pretty. It became traumatic, dramatic, mean, violent, insane. She finally packed up, after lots of horrible attacks on me, saying that I am abusive (I think she interprets a healthy boundary as evil)
and am the cause of her problems.
She opted NOT to get treatment and to leave, to visit her father. Her decision, however, changed at the VERY last moment, from wanting to get on the train to see her father, to wanting to be admitted to a "mental hospital" (her worsd). At this point, she was disintegrated on the floor in a heap of tears. It was terribly painful to see.
On the way to the hospital, she tried to cause a car accident, and succeeded in breaking my windshield. I am a basket case. She did admit herself to a walk-in ER, but she refused to allow me in to see or visit or even call her. I tried to inform the nurse of her actions so that they would take her case seriously, because now I think she is dangerous to herself and others, but, the nurse would not talk to me because she is an adult.
Thats where things stand right now. I am hurting soo much over this. I feel terrible, sometimes feeling guilty even though intellectually I know I did not cause this. The mean things she said, like that she feels she is dying of a broken heart because I don't love her and never have, are just too much to take.
Is there anything at this point that I can do to get her help or do I have to let it go? She does NOT drink or take drugs of any kind. She may be alcoholic, (both of her parents are) but this is not a substance-related issue. She was diagnosed Bi Polar years ago, in addition to the Anxiety/Panic, OCD, and ADD. It does seem like she is open, finally, to getting medical help, which is good. But, I also think that she will be released and nothing will change and that her life will just spiral way down.
I called my sponsors in AA and Alanon who helped alot and they are both advising tough love. It feels harsh to me. Is that appropriate in Mental Illness?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 889
I'm no shrink but my famous 2 cents on this: your daughter seems like a person who kinda got spoiled, so to say. She always gets things her way (ie: the 1 AM ER drive) and now all of a sudden her methods dun work so well cuz you did what you prolly should've done way earlier: not letting her gets things her way and simply kick her out. I think you've been pretty nice about it, like paying for her treatment, giving her a job, all things I prolly wouldn't have done. Now she has to survive in this world and she's seen now that her ways aren't always the ways of others. I think it was very good you basically kicked her out. I'm sure she'll do fine on her own in a less luxury apartment in a 'polluted' enviroment, cuz I tend to think she decided on those things cuz she (of course, like many others) likes to live in a peaceful, rural area but couldn't pay for it so she lets her mom do that. I know this sounds harsh and I'm sure your daughter is a nice person but yeah...I took my time to read this all cuz I can relate, sometimes I think we're all guilty of what your daughter does in fact: manipulating. I know I did. Also: keep in mind that she's an adult so it's her choice to undergo treatment and all even tho I really think what's needed here is her living on her own for a while, I think it'll do her a lot of good. Good luck to you both. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Wow, I can so relate to all the things that you have done to help your daughter. But now I think the time has come for her to help herself. I know it seems heartless when she has a genuine problem. But you have tried and tried and now it is her turn. I have a 20 year old daughter diagnosed with severe depression and bulimia along with substance abuse problems. She also will not take medication. Says it makes her gain weight, etc. This summer she has already quit two jobs. Finally yesterday she told me she will make an appointment with the doctor to get back on antidepressants. Have you read the book "Mothers of Difficult Daughters". It has helped me. I hope you and your daughter find some answers.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
