Lilya

Hello everyone,

Today I´m depressed. I´m talking really difficult kind of anxiety and depression with all the symptoms I know too well: Lump in the throat, tightness in the chest, feeling really sorry for myself, angry at life, wanting to take dope, etc. I´m talking hardly being able to function at work and then wanting to sleep all the time. Feeling I haven´t achieved anything, that I´m a loser etc.

I´m on medication - but this happens from time to time.

This is probably an episode that won´t las too long. It´s partly seperation angst because my niece and adoptive daughter of 8 years went on a vacation to be with her birthmother - which is of course great for her; she needs to bond with her, but it´s tough. Then I´m packing up the house for 6 weeks since it needs lots of reparation and I have rented a summerhouse near the sea to be able to finish my film script, among other things. My niece will come to see me, and some change will do me good. I will be sharing the house with some new friends. It will be fine. This I know, because I had angst like this before I went on a long trip to China last April.

I had to go home from work after lunch. I decided to follow through an action plan no matter what. It consists of: Doing light work, going out, engaging in physical exercise and forcing myself to talk to some one.

It took me 1 and half hour to get to my car with my swim suits and aroma therapy oils. I went to a big health spa with a swimming-pool I usually love and on the way I forced myself to go to the dry-cleaners with stuff needing to clean. At the spa I went through all the pleasurable activities and then drove home feeling slightly better.

I have no appetite, so I will force myself to eat something nice I got from the store and later I will sink myself totally into my depression to find out what is really missing from my life. This is a technique I learned from a therapist I saw. some years back. Afterwards I will make a goal-oriented list.

I also feel better sharing with you. I haven´t got energy to phone people.

Love and light.

Use adversity

BSPGirl

Hmm medication usually works better when combined with a form of psychotherapy. So my question would be if you're seeing a therapist of any kind. Sharing can help too. There'll be downtime in your life anyway, meds won't take that away, they might take off the sharp edges tho.

2stop

Oh can I relate to........"this will pass.." I can "plan" it away....staying busy will help.....etc etc................I have found, as you mentioned also........just totally immersing myself in it..........going silent! Being silent has taught me more than any words, or talk therapy............(talk therapy excellent IMO.especially CBT) but even with that..when I become silent............it all comes together. My priorities change for one thing...I no longer need an immediate solution or quick fix.........being silent and clearing my mind og every and all expectation, thought, judgment.........really really works. It has also helped me to get rid of migraines and other severe pain...I have fibromyalgia........some days the pain just beats into a blob of tears and anger and extreme frustrations.........as soon as I stop fighting it, eliminate the need to fix it right now.........it does ease.........I cope better.and enjoy myself more.

You mentioned doing charity also makes you feel better.....I can totally relate to that.....but it also became a huge obstacle to me too.......I didn't always take so good care of myself.............and immersing myself in anothers crisis, anothers pain......helped me ignore and "cope' with mine........but whatever bugs us or challenges us may fade from mind...but it will always come back to wake us up...pain always wakes me up! Especially emotional pain..........that ache just won't ease for nothing...........the number one thing I hate about depression is.....it ruins any sense or feeling of CONTENTMENT! I have been more content though this past year than ever before in my life! And I really truly believe it comes from not fighting anything anymore.........surrendering to the moment..........sends me back such huge bonuses! I take Zoloft......it has helped tremendously..but I am a huge huge fan of cognitive behavioral therapy also..together it is unbeatable.......but another MAJOR factor IMO for coping with depression is our diet! What we feed ourselves doesn't always fuel us very well...or very far........we burn out.....maybe a check of what vitamins you may be lacking in.......
well...............sorry to ramble on............just wanted to encourage you.......I know somedays are just very very tough.......and all we can do is get through it............but truly I would approach this, at least for 1-2 days.......don't plan, or stress RESULTS...................just clear your mind..........do some journaling,........and lots of deep breathing...............I still do the meditation YOU taught me....the candle........repeating I breathe in...I breathe out.............yep..I sure do........so just eliminate that I am useless thought right now! It is erroneous and absolutely untrue! Your life has made a difference.....you shared something very helpful with me...............I still use it...almost every single day.........I can only imagine the positive impact you have had on those around you in person............



Hang in there..............it will get better. ((((warmest hugs)))

Lilya

Thanks, both of you.

Tammie, you miracle worker! I always feel better reading your letters. BSP Girl, I´m always in and out of therapy. It helps to a certain degree, like most things, but not fully. The extra work must come from myself.

I am still depressed, but I´m also curious. I like to look at the bottom of that black hole to see what answers I come up with. I know I want to continue my civil right´s work. It´s for Amnesty International and I feel good knowing I am contributing to something so important to me as civil rights. I get less overwhelmed by the world´s craziness, because I am really trying to help, although some cases are worse then others. It´s perhaps easier for an ex-junkie/lived on the streets/ totally out of control/ to be in situations that are so ugly it is mind boggling. I saw enough when I was on the streets. No one has to hide their shame from me.

As for other social work, it´s true. It turns the focus away from me. I know already that I want to be a better dancer, travel to more countries, write more books and maybe live in a different place - but first and foremost: Think different and on a smaller scale. I´ve been in a comfort zone and it was making me shallow.

I´m so glad I helped you, Tammie. It matters more to me than you know. Now I´m going to be silent for a while. Not here on the board, but in the real world. I´m going to try your remedy.

I need all the help I can get, but I´m going to get through it, no matter what.

Love and light,

Use adversity

shutterbug

Did you perhaps lose a bit of sleep just before this depression started?

I always forget until the tears start running, but it's true that if I am the tinyest bit manic and only get a few hours of sleep and then go-go-go the next day that I will enevitably drop into the depression side.

So regular sleep and wake times are one of my best coping skills to keep the depressions away (an the manics too)...other than meds.

Also...I've heard about lavendar and other oils like St. Johns Wart (which can mess with meds though so I would check with a p-doc first). Fruity scents, bright colors, doing things that inspire you like reading a book that is along your interests, finding ways to love yourself and your family and friends....and other things I'm forgetting right now...

Oh...and there's something about flowing water. I've read it over and over and over about some kind of negative ions that are given off when water moves (like in the shower or facet or water fountian or desk fountian...). I don't know how much truth there is to it, but I keep a water fountian running every day on my desk at work and at home in my living room and I swear by morning showers to get me started in the day.

meli2005

Hey even with meds we all get to feeling down. It's normal. As long as it doesn't last too long, I would not worry. SOunds like you are doing everything you can to try to beat it. You have good coping skils. I think going to some therapy might not be a bad idea.

Hope today is a better one for you.

reikihelps

Hi Lilya,

How are you feeling today?
When I feel waves of depression, I like to think of them as literal waves, knowing they will move; they will pass. I try to pamper myself a bit( take a long bath in lavendar oil, polish my toenails, get a massage) and that helps but what seems to help most is exercise for me. Yoga, in particular. As you do, I try to look at the depression and see what's running it but more often than not, it doesn't seem to get cognitive. I've been using a lot of visual imagery with my prayer/meditation, offering up whatever is distressing me (even just the emotion at hand) and praying for the grace to let go. If it is a loved one, I surround them with light and try to remind myself that I am not their HP. That helps me let go. Funny but I have lifted others up but not myself! I'm trying to change that.
Hope you're feeling better, my dear L.
((love))
RH
Michele

Lilya

Thanks for the support

It´s true, Shutterbug, I haven´t been sleeping too well, so I saw my doctor about that. She adjusted the medication a little. And I did use lavender oil at the spa!

I really needed to hear this feedback. Thanks a lot Meli and Shutterbug. I feel much better - the swim and spa treatment helped tremendously and even though I was sad, I decided to be sad. It´s my right. I woke up feeling much better and went to a dinner party I had cancelled in my depressive mood. It was great fun, lovely people, stimulating conversation. I have been OK since - I´m nervous because I am surrounded by packing cases and it´s really something I hate with a passion. It reminds me of all the stupid moves all over the world when I was using. But I need to accept it, the house will be repainted and repaired when I get back in mid-August. I will use the time in that other place to work on my script, go swimming and practice my dance.

It also reminds me when I lived on the streets, slept under bridges and held on to all those plastic bags. I don´t even want to think about that period in my life...

The healing power of water has always been clear to me. I just got back from the swimming-pool and spa and I enjoyed driving my brand new car with great music blasting. Mid-life crisis? Absolutely and enjoying it!

Sometimes forcing myself out of a depressive mood works. I don´t know how, it´s just I repeat to myself I will do it, I will do it, despite everything, and then I do it without thinking too much about it. But it´s really tricky when reason and emotions clash. This is why rational therapy has never worked, but I am willing to try it, Tammie. It has to be a reason why all my therapists (I cannot count them, they´re so many, lol) have recommended that to me.

I keep telling myself: This is a challenge, accepting life on it´s terms, not on my terms.

Anyway, thanks so much, all of you and wishing you a good day.

Love and light,

Lilya

I didn´t see your post my dear Reikihelps!

Thanks for the boost. Yes, yoga helps. I like to imagine I´m the tree or the moon and more often than not, I start just doing the postures. Now I study arabic dance and it´s great. I danced last night, absolutly wonderful.

The waves are good. I will use that visual imagery.

Merci encore,

reikihelps

Arabic dance! Sounds like fun. I need some movement to get me out of this head. Thiink I'll turn up the music and dance while I clean. Lol
Glad you can't see me!
Reikihelps

2stop

I believe REASON and EMOTION are very much in sync.....now.Never used to. IMO what happens is...we want/demand to FEEL better.......without ever learning to THINK better. This system of correcting erroneous thought patterns/belief systems is sooo powerful.....I cannot even begin to describe the empowerment.and ease of mind it has granted me. It's almost too simple! Difficult with al the resisting we humans do about change...but quite simple theory actually....what we think leads to what we feel....and what we do......learn the power of all your thoughts and belief structures you have vuilt over the years..........and their isn't anything you cannot overcome. And as with about almost anything..practice makes better!

2stop

I love Arabic music.....my family thinks I am nuts........but that's okay I I dance to the beat of MY drum......

Lilya

You girls!

I knew you would love arabic music or Middle-Eastern for that matter. I am belly dancer - have studied since 1998. I took private lessons for a long time near the Luxembourg Gardens, from a famous teacher in Lybia. I look like I´m from a different planet, blond and white among these voluptous, olive-brown beauties, but I just love to dance. I own heaps of DVD for practising belly-dancing at home and it´s total bliss.

The movers have been and gone, now I need to pack for my trip to the fishing village where I will spend July and the first half of August. My anxiety is over and I want to thank you again.

Love and light,

reikihelps

Glad to hear it, dear Lilya.
Where is the fishing village? Sounds like a perfect place to write.
I have been using the books of John Fox (Poetic Medicine and shucks, can't pull the other title) to begin to write again. Tammie, you'd like him I think. Wrote several free form poems today which dispelled a bit of my own anxiety. I forgot how good that feels.
My codependency ebbs and flows. I am doing my best to deal with it but lose my center when the A's in my life dysfunction. Dealing with it honestly by voicing what I feel definately tempers my depression.
The upcoming holiday increases the partying substances and I hate that. Did yoga, trying to stay in the day....
love,
Michele

Lilya

Dear Michèle and all,

I finally got a line in for my phone and internet connection in this little fishing village. It´s a sleepy little town, actually a petit village de merde, un bled. Or to put it more mildly: Small town where nothing happens, but everybody is into each other´s business. One of my cats disappeared, went looking and calling for him all over making noice with dry catfood in a box, people thought I was a lunatique, but I found him!
I intend to write now when this connection problem I had has been solved. But did it ever upset me!
I notice yet again that when something upsets my schedule, like moving houses for a while, not getting the right service from the phone company, I get more upset than I would like. I always get this way and when the trouble is over, I always question my sanity, because this is not a big deal! How come these small things make me so upset? Why cannot I master more inner calm with all this therapy I have under my belt? I seem to be always at square one when a small adversity threatens.
If that is to be so, since this is my illness, I will accept it and try to live with it the best I can - feel the pain, but do it - but I wonder if I should change my treatment somehow.
Some advice would be useful.
Love and light,

reikihelps

Dear Lilya,

The fishing village sounds like good fodder for writing! I could see you with the cat food box. lol!
I find that for me when little things rock me, it is because anxiety and fear have accumulated in me and the little thing is just the impetous to release what I need to release. It typically means I haven't been taking as good care of myself as possible. My therapist says that I must metabolize the negative feeling in some way to get rid of it (yoga, exercise, dance, ect) and doing something mindfully with my body will rid me of it much sooner than trying to think it away.
The other thing that complicates it for me are my hormones. If I am too hormonal I can be in a funk for no good reason at all but it is very real. I try not to sink into it and sometimes am fine floating through. Other times it seems to swallow me up. Or I can fight over nothing during this time. Since I am now menopausal it's more challenging to note these patterns.Can't wait til this phase is totally over.
Just an observation - I am amazed by the facility you have to deal with change. You have moved and made significant change and seem to handle it so well. I can't seem to change my daily patterns with that kind of ease!
love,
Michele

Lilya

Dear Michele and all,

Thanks for this encouragement. I wish I could say my anxiety is less, but it isn´t. You´ve got it right. Because of the change in my life I feel insecure and that releases all this pent- up anxiety. I feel lots of little anxiety balls floating all around me, like coloured bubbles. (No, I´m still sober!)

I had the most peculiar experience today. For some reason, the fishing village I am in is celebrating Ireland. There will be "Irish days" here for a week and that means everyone raises the Irish flag, dresses in green, orange and white and drink green drinks. The children wear green hats and Irish music floats all around the village. I was going to the swimming-pool and stopped on the way to buy something for supper. Two guys with the Irish flag approached me and asked with aggressivity: "How come you´re not dressed like an Irish woman?"
"That is simple," I replied. "I´m not Irish". "Did you miss the news? We are all Irish here!" they said with hostility.

Before I continue I want to say to everyone who might read this and is from Ireland, I love your country! I´ve been there and it´s fantastic, the Irish people I´ve known in Paris and London are delightful. This has nothing to with patriotism. Also, I´m raised in a city full of different nationalities. I have two citizenships myself. It just made me confused, because I had no idea what all this was about - and it made me very anxious. I felt I was in a village outside Dublin.

Thankfully I resisted the urge to answer those two guys, and bought the groceries while they followed me all around the shop to the caisse. I ignored them, but my anxiety level soared. When I finally got to the swimming-pool, I asked a friendly person at the counter the reason for the Irish theme. Obviously it was because the pioneers of the village where Irish, and came here to settle many centuries ago.

It´s great idea, isn´t it? If we all celebrated different countries style for some days, would it not be more peaceful in the world? A food for thought.

I am back at the cottage, rested and more at ease after the swimming-pool. I intend to do some yoga, work a little on my script, take a walk.

I was always on the move since I was a kid, we lived for a while in Spain and I´ve relocated to 4 different countries, lived in Italy and Greece for a spell. It get´s harder to move with age, that´s for sure. Maybe I feel the upheaval is simply not good for me. Good reason to ask my therapist, when she gets back from her holiday.

Thank you all for your advice and concern. I want to try to cope a bit better iin this village. Vive l´Irlande! I mean it.

Love and light,

reikihelps

Dearest Lilya,

Aggressive is aggressive. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't feel uncomfortable and anxious with those two foul blokes. Talk about ruining a holiday spirit. It would cetainly increase my anxiety.
You seemed to do a good job of taking care of yourself by finding friendly faces.
I think your description of anxiety as pent up colored bubbles is such an effective description. Why not try some visualization to release the bubbles? I am learning to use visualization more and more and though I am not always successful, when I am it is wonderful. You could imagine a wind blowing the up and out of your crown chakra. Or perhaps a warm wave of energy could pass through your body and push them out into the ground. When I use imagery to release negative energy, I like to stand on grass or dirt and send it to the earth to be dispersed. Breath in yoga helps so much. After doing yoga for more than six years, I am finally starting to experience breath and movement!!! Guess I am a slow learner : ) And of course using light, white light, to dispel the negative imagery is always powerful. You first taught me that!
g'nite now
love,
Reikihelps

OnRecoveryRoad

I am currently taking an art therapy class. Our instructor, a licensed art therapist had us participate in coloring Mandalas. Which are circular forms used in many cultures. You might try printing some out and coloring. I know it made me feel better and it is proven that participating in this activity can make depressed people feel better...it has something to do with the circles..


http:\\freemandalas.com

ghen4

whenever i feel depress.. i would go out and meet my friends, have some little wine.. i feel so relax...