Near the jumping off point....
Obsessed Pug Momma
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Probably at Wal-Mart
Posts: 1,331
Near the jumping off point....
Dear friends at SR,
I need all the support I can get right now. This will be a really long post. Some of you will remember my threads from Octoberish where I was dealing with pain and betrayal of a sponsor-turned-lover who started telling everyone that I was crazy and made it all up. I'll post links to those threads at the bottom.
It's been 4 1/2 months since this man started smearing my name here locally. I could go on and on about all he's doing to my reputation, my self-esteem, my feelings of safety at home, etc, but I'll limit that. He has not slowed down the attack. He continues going to my sponsees and best friends, people he knows will tell me what he says. He has waited for me by my truck after dark, he has stolen my keys (long story and yes i know it was him), went to my best friend's house (never had anything to do with him before) and told my friend he was "concerned" about how much weight I've been packing on, has bumped into me and tried to walk shoulder to shoulder pushing against me before I could get away from him, etc.... oh and he has continued sitting right behind me at EVERY meeting we're in together (making sound effects when I share). He never ever sat there before September when all this started.
So anyway, all this time I've been trying hard to practice spiritual principles, but I wasn't getting the courage to confront him like a lot of people suggested I do. Finally, monday night, as he was sitting right behind me again, he started sharing on TRUST. He talked about how trustworthy he is, how he respects the kind of person he is today, blah, blah, blah, just like he always does when I'm there. THEN, he said (this is almost verbatim "You know, I've been thinking about all the women I've been intimate with and the people I've sponsored who have shared deep dark secrets with me. And I've been thinking about how even after they have turned on me and hurt me, SO FAR I haven't revealed their deep dark secrets, but that could change tomorrow." I was sitting there shaking like a leaf, because I knew he was talking to me, as usual, and I knew he was basically threatening to reveal secrets I shared with him while he was my sponsor.
Immediately after his share, I spoke up. This was the first time I had made ANY effort to confront him (because i"m very afraid of confrontation/conflict). I basically told the entire group exactly what this man had done to me, particularly what he is doing at the meeting place every time I'm there. I talked about the betrayal I feel, the pain I feel and said i'm tired of being afraid to share at my own home group because I don't know whether the man sitting behind me is going to start making noises when I share (I mentioned he had already been asked to not sit behind me) or wait for me by my truck, or pass messages to me, etc. I said that I was no longer going to cower down to him and try to cover up for him. I said I had initially discussed this with just a few confidants becasue obviously this man's pride was soooooooo important that he was willing to go to extreme measures to cover up this relationship wtih me, that I was concerned he might relapse if I blew his cover. I said no more, the cat is out of the bag and I will not continue to sit quietly and let him intimidate me.
I'm sure there are people who think it was wrong for me to lay into him at a meeting. I assure you, it was a last resort. After he continued going to newcomers (who then didn't think they could trust me), to my own sponsees, to my friends, making fun of my weight, saying things to me at meetings, waiting for me by my vehicle, bumping me, etc I couldn't take it any more. Particularly after he basically threatened to reveal my secrets, my anger finally overcame my fear so that I could finally stand up for myself. After it was over, at least half a dozen people congratulated me and I had at least a half dozen phone calls that night. I am still kicking myself for being conned, even though people are saying they never would have thought he would do these things until they found out all this stuff and saw my proof. I have started showing people my proof because I need for people to trust me, my friends need to feel they can trust me and newcomers need to trust! I will no longer stand back and let him make me out to be a liar when it's destroying my reputation and others' ability to trust me. OH, the other good news is that 2 witnesses (people L confessed our relationship to last spring) are so angry with what he's doing that they are now getting involved and telling people the truth. There's a 3rd person he confessed it to in September, but since that time he has convinced her she might have misunderstood. Now she says "well I thought he did, but now I'm not sure." In a way I feel relief for finally standing up to him and I think he'll probably stop doing most of his deeds at the meeting place (only because he knows people are watching him now) so I can have an atmosphere of recovery. HOWEVER, now I'm really afraid because after I stood up to him, he's probably planning retaliation. I know things from L's past. Information has been coming out of the woodwork since September. It seems people did know things about his history of domestic violence, but this wasn't common knowledge, so I didn't know. I also heard there had been a kidnapping charge and the girlfriend he had less than 2 years ago accused him of stalking her. Then there's the information I have that no one else has. He has not made any direct threat to harm me, but I know now that this man can be extremely dangerous. I wouldn't put anything past him. I really think he's going to rely on his intellect and conning to retaliate by spreading my secrets in such a way that it won't make him look bad. He'll justify it or do it anonymously so I can't prove he did it. I say that because over the past 4 1/2 months, I've started figuring out how he goes about doing these things underhandedly so he comes out smelling like a rose. So of course now I'm not only afraid for my own safety, but also for my reputation because as my sponsor, he knew things that could destroy my reputation here. Get this: Within 24 hours of me standing up to him, I had a phone call that L is already accusing me of putting a hit on him!!!! It's bizarre. None of this makes sense. I cannot figure why he is so desperate to convince people we were never together. Worst case scenario is that some people would gossip about him getting into a relationship with someone he sponsored. Why would he risk losing all his friendships (by lying to all his sponsees, friends and sponor) to cover up this small thing? Then of course my self-esteem is affected. Rationally, I know this isn't about me, but my mind wants to say he's too ashamed for anyone to know he was with me because I got fat afterward. Any normal person would not go to such extremes to cover up a relationship. It absolutely blows my mind. Anyway, I'm very afraid right now. The pain is intense. I am right at that point where I can't take it anymore. At least now that I've confronted him, I know the situation will change, either for better or for worse. I have finally asked my friends for more active support in stopping this behavior at the meeting place so that I can continue to go there. I've been having a real hard time going to meetings because of the bullying from L. At this point, either my friends are going to help make the meetings safe for me or they are going to lose me because I can't keep going there if all I find is fear and pain. All along, I have done my stepwork, I have read, prayed, gone to meetings, worked with my sponsor and tried to apply spiritual principles to this ordeal. I know it has helped. But it's been like trying to swim upstream for 4 1/2 months. I'm worn out. My efforts are exhausted. I can't do it alone anymore. I am not demanding that my friends do anything, but I've let them know that I'm at that point where they are going to have to carry me because I can't walk any more. My faith is almost gone.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-do-75036.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...him-69377.html
I need all the support I can get right now. This will be a really long post. Some of you will remember my threads from Octoberish where I was dealing with pain and betrayal of a sponsor-turned-lover who started telling everyone that I was crazy and made it all up. I'll post links to those threads at the bottom.
It's been 4 1/2 months since this man started smearing my name here locally. I could go on and on about all he's doing to my reputation, my self-esteem, my feelings of safety at home, etc, but I'll limit that. He has not slowed down the attack. He continues going to my sponsees and best friends, people he knows will tell me what he says. He has waited for me by my truck after dark, he has stolen my keys (long story and yes i know it was him), went to my best friend's house (never had anything to do with him before) and told my friend he was "concerned" about how much weight I've been packing on, has bumped into me and tried to walk shoulder to shoulder pushing against me before I could get away from him, etc.... oh and he has continued sitting right behind me at EVERY meeting we're in together (making sound effects when I share). He never ever sat there before September when all this started.
So anyway, all this time I've been trying hard to practice spiritual principles, but I wasn't getting the courage to confront him like a lot of people suggested I do. Finally, monday night, as he was sitting right behind me again, he started sharing on TRUST. He talked about how trustworthy he is, how he respects the kind of person he is today, blah, blah, blah, just like he always does when I'm there. THEN, he said (this is almost verbatim "You know, I've been thinking about all the women I've been intimate with and the people I've sponsored who have shared deep dark secrets with me. And I've been thinking about how even after they have turned on me and hurt me, SO FAR I haven't revealed their deep dark secrets, but that could change tomorrow." I was sitting there shaking like a leaf, because I knew he was talking to me, as usual, and I knew he was basically threatening to reveal secrets I shared with him while he was my sponsor.
Immediately after his share, I spoke up. This was the first time I had made ANY effort to confront him (because i"m very afraid of confrontation/conflict). I basically told the entire group exactly what this man had done to me, particularly what he is doing at the meeting place every time I'm there. I talked about the betrayal I feel, the pain I feel and said i'm tired of being afraid to share at my own home group because I don't know whether the man sitting behind me is going to start making noises when I share (I mentioned he had already been asked to not sit behind me) or wait for me by my truck, or pass messages to me, etc. I said that I was no longer going to cower down to him and try to cover up for him. I said I had initially discussed this with just a few confidants becasue obviously this man's pride was soooooooo important that he was willing to go to extreme measures to cover up this relationship wtih me, that I was concerned he might relapse if I blew his cover. I said no more, the cat is out of the bag and I will not continue to sit quietly and let him intimidate me.
I'm sure there are people who think it was wrong for me to lay into him at a meeting. I assure you, it was a last resort. After he continued going to newcomers (who then didn't think they could trust me), to my own sponsees, to my friends, making fun of my weight, saying things to me at meetings, waiting for me by my vehicle, bumping me, etc I couldn't take it any more. Particularly after he basically threatened to reveal my secrets, my anger finally overcame my fear so that I could finally stand up for myself. After it was over, at least half a dozen people congratulated me and I had at least a half dozen phone calls that night. I am still kicking myself for being conned, even though people are saying they never would have thought he would do these things until they found out all this stuff and saw my proof. I have started showing people my proof because I need for people to trust me, my friends need to feel they can trust me and newcomers need to trust! I will no longer stand back and let him make me out to be a liar when it's destroying my reputation and others' ability to trust me. OH, the other good news is that 2 witnesses (people L confessed our relationship to last spring) are so angry with what he's doing that they are now getting involved and telling people the truth. There's a 3rd person he confessed it to in September, but since that time he has convinced her she might have misunderstood. Now she says "well I thought he did, but now I'm not sure." In a way I feel relief for finally standing up to him and I think he'll probably stop doing most of his deeds at the meeting place (only because he knows people are watching him now) so I can have an atmosphere of recovery. HOWEVER, now I'm really afraid because after I stood up to him, he's probably planning retaliation. I know things from L's past. Information has been coming out of the woodwork since September. It seems people did know things about his history of domestic violence, but this wasn't common knowledge, so I didn't know. I also heard there had been a kidnapping charge and the girlfriend he had less than 2 years ago accused him of stalking her. Then there's the information I have that no one else has. He has not made any direct threat to harm me, but I know now that this man can be extremely dangerous. I wouldn't put anything past him. I really think he's going to rely on his intellect and conning to retaliate by spreading my secrets in such a way that it won't make him look bad. He'll justify it or do it anonymously so I can't prove he did it. I say that because over the past 4 1/2 months, I've started figuring out how he goes about doing these things underhandedly so he comes out smelling like a rose. So of course now I'm not only afraid for my own safety, but also for my reputation because as my sponsor, he knew things that could destroy my reputation here. Get this: Within 24 hours of me standing up to him, I had a phone call that L is already accusing me of putting a hit on him!!!! It's bizarre. None of this makes sense. I cannot figure why he is so desperate to convince people we were never together. Worst case scenario is that some people would gossip about him getting into a relationship with someone he sponsored. Why would he risk losing all his friendships (by lying to all his sponsees, friends and sponor) to cover up this small thing? Then of course my self-esteem is affected. Rationally, I know this isn't about me, but my mind wants to say he's too ashamed for anyone to know he was with me because I got fat afterward. Any normal person would not go to such extremes to cover up a relationship. It absolutely blows my mind. Anyway, I'm very afraid right now. The pain is intense. I am right at that point where I can't take it anymore. At least now that I've confronted him, I know the situation will change, either for better or for worse. I have finally asked my friends for more active support in stopping this behavior at the meeting place so that I can continue to go there. I've been having a real hard time going to meetings because of the bullying from L. At this point, either my friends are going to help make the meetings safe for me or they are going to lose me because I can't keep going there if all I find is fear and pain. All along, I have done my stepwork, I have read, prayed, gone to meetings, worked with my sponsor and tried to apply spiritual principles to this ordeal. I know it has helped. But it's been like trying to swim upstream for 4 1/2 months. I'm worn out. My efforts are exhausted. I can't do it alone anymore. I am not demanding that my friends do anything, but I've let them know that I'm at that point where they are going to have to carry me because I can't walk any more. My faith is almost gone.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-do-75036.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...him-69377.html
anyone who ever had a dream
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: where I wanna be
Posts: 68
Daydream,
Good for you for having the courage to unveil his pathology. He is obviously a very sick, twisted man with serious self-image problems. You can bet you're not the first person he's done this to, and, unfortunately, you probably won't be the last. My ex-boyfriend and a couple of ex-best friends have smeared my name quite a bit, so I know how you feel. When we're using, we don't always trust the right people, and often gravitate towards people who aren't good for us. My belief on this matter is that the truth does eventually come to light one way or another, and if you are a good person with a good heart people will recognize you for that in the long run. While it's sad you have to endure this now, people will eventually get past his superficial personality and see the evil heart he has.
Stay strong.
AllThatGlitters
Good for you for having the courage to unveil his pathology. He is obviously a very sick, twisted man with serious self-image problems. You can bet you're not the first person he's done this to, and, unfortunately, you probably won't be the last. My ex-boyfriend and a couple of ex-best friends have smeared my name quite a bit, so I know how you feel. When we're using, we don't always trust the right people, and often gravitate towards people who aren't good for us. My belief on this matter is that the truth does eventually come to light one way or another, and if you are a good person with a good heart people will recognize you for that in the long run. While it's sad you have to endure this now, people will eventually get past his superficial personality and see the evil heart he has.
Stay strong.
AllThatGlitters
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Daydream - I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so sad and it enrages me how this stuff can take place in an atmosphere of "recovery." Some are sicker than others, and unfortunately you got the sickest of the sick.
Does you meeting hall have a Board or Steering committee? If so, I would take this to them and let them handle it. Or, you can get a restraining order on him. A friend in recovery had to do this with a man a few years back and that man was not allowed to go to meetings at that hall for a number of years.
Prayers to you and blessings on your recovery. Keep us posted, ok?
Does you meeting hall have a Board or Steering committee? If so, I would take this to them and let them handle it. Or, you can get a restraining order on him. A friend in recovery had to do this with a man a few years back and that man was not allowed to go to meetings at that hall for a number of years.
Prayers to you and blessings on your recovery. Keep us posted, ok?
Obsessed Pug Momma
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Probably at Wal-Mart
Posts: 1,331
Moontime, AllThatGlitters, Phinneas, REZ, thank you for your replies. They mean a lot to me. I was afraid people would respond with tough love. There are times I need that, but this is not one of them. I'm already doing the work to recover. What I need is support, suggestions and hope.
I am trying to hang in there, but I'm still right on the brink. I had not been back to my home group for a couple nights since I confronted L in the meeting. I was feeling afraid, so I arranged for one of my guy friends to sit beside me last night to be my security blanket. He asked me to save him a seat. While waiting for him, another guy came over and moved my jacket out of his way. I told him I was saving a seat for D. He said "So? I don't care" and sat down next to me. He then looked at my stomach, then looked me in the eye and said "You need to quit stuffing your face." I told him I didn't need to hear that right now. He said he didn't care because it was true. I busted out crying and took off. A woman with a lot of clean time and one of my sponsees followed me out. I felt I was too much of a mess to go back in the meeting. I did not want to be there. I hate for anyone to see my cry and I do not like getting attention (positive attention I would later get because people saw me crying). Anyway, as badly as I wanted to leave, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that a)we always suggest people be in a meeting when they most don't want to and those same basic suggestions apply to newcomers and oldcomers alike b) I couldn't suggest an upset sponsee stay if they had seen ME unwilling to do the same. So I went back downstairs and blubbered and was embarrassed, but I did not leave.
It is still hurting badly. I have gained a lot of weight rapidly. I know people see it and that makes me want to hide out in my house. I am working on the weight thing, but it's further complicated by an eating disorder. Anyone who has an eating disorder knows that negative comments have a far more serious impact on us than it does the average person because we act out in dangerous ways. I am having a hard time going to meetings because of all the stuff L is doing and because I'm so ashamed of my weight. Now on top of all the stuff L is doing, I have to worry about insensitive assholes ridiculing my weight. As much as I want NA to be my safe place, I'm beginning to feel that I'll never be safe so long as I'm around people. I am trying hard to focus on the positive support I'm getting, but one cruel remark hits me with as much force as 100 positives.
I am trying to hang in there, but I'm still right on the brink. I had not been back to my home group for a couple nights since I confronted L in the meeting. I was feeling afraid, so I arranged for one of my guy friends to sit beside me last night to be my security blanket. He asked me to save him a seat. While waiting for him, another guy came over and moved my jacket out of his way. I told him I was saving a seat for D. He said "So? I don't care" and sat down next to me. He then looked at my stomach, then looked me in the eye and said "You need to quit stuffing your face." I told him I didn't need to hear that right now. He said he didn't care because it was true. I busted out crying and took off. A woman with a lot of clean time and one of my sponsees followed me out. I felt I was too much of a mess to go back in the meeting. I did not want to be there. I hate for anyone to see my cry and I do not like getting attention (positive attention I would later get because people saw me crying). Anyway, as badly as I wanted to leave, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that a)we always suggest people be in a meeting when they most don't want to and those same basic suggestions apply to newcomers and oldcomers alike b) I couldn't suggest an upset sponsee stay if they had seen ME unwilling to do the same. So I went back downstairs and blubbered and was embarrassed, but I did not leave.
It is still hurting badly. I have gained a lot of weight rapidly. I know people see it and that makes me want to hide out in my house. I am working on the weight thing, but it's further complicated by an eating disorder. Anyone who has an eating disorder knows that negative comments have a far more serious impact on us than it does the average person because we act out in dangerous ways. I am having a hard time going to meetings because of all the stuff L is doing and because I'm so ashamed of my weight. Now on top of all the stuff L is doing, I have to worry about insensitive assholes ridiculing my weight. As much as I want NA to be my safe place, I'm beginning to feel that I'll never be safe so long as I'm around people. I am trying hard to focus on the positive support I'm getting, but one cruel remark hits me with as much force as 100 positives.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
Hold your head up girl...
other people's opinion's are none of your business...
You have just as much as right to be at that meeting as the next guy.
However, if it's too uncomfortable, go to different meetings for awhile.
other people's opinion's are none of your business...
You have just as much as right to be at that meeting as the next guy.
However, if it's too uncomfortable, go to different meetings for awhile.
Obsessed Pug Momma
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Probably at Wal-Mart
Posts: 1,331
Again
I can't do it anymore (crying).
I spent my afternoon revisiting the 3rd step out of the workbook. I wrote answers to questions i thought I most needed to review concerning the issue with L. I spent time in prayer asking God to take my will and my life. I meditated on the 6th and 7th steps regarding how extreme my feelings and obsession are about the issue. I started feeling a little better. Then I went to my meeting....
We usually have about 30 people at our Saturday night meeting. L parked one row over at the same time as I did. There was about a 100 foot walk to the front steps. I waited for him to get inside. When he was 1/3 there,he looked back toward me. I remained in my vehicle. When he got up to the steps, he abruptly turned around and started walking back toward our vehicles (maybe thinking he could catch me out there alone?). About halfway back to our vehicles he turned back and went inside. After I knew he was inside, I waited another minute or so, then went in. Expecting a crowd, 10 minutes before meeting time, I went in to find only L, his friend, and 2 of his sponsees. Within 1 minute of the time I sat down, L started in on me. I sat there just staring at a wall trying to ignore him as he made verbal jabs and while standing up and glaring at me. The only response he got from me was "I will continue to work my program." He then said "well I will continue to work the program. No one intervened (of course not. they were his sponsees one sponsee wife). I sat there for a full 5 minutes taking this before I got up and left. I tried to not let him run me out of the room, but I just can't take it. I swear, if I did not have a child to take care of, I would be out of this world. I cannot live without NA and it appears I can't live with it either. Group conscience is tomorrow night. I believe this has reached a point where I can't take it any more and L is preventing me from having an atmosphere of recovery. I've been thinking about taking it to group conscience for the past few months, but I keep thinking I should exhaust all measures before resorting to that. But as of last Tuesday night, I have now called him out on it during a meeting and that still hasn't stopped him. I'm afraid that if I bring it up at group conscience, he will continue retaliating and/or, worse yet, the group will blow it off and L will know he has free run. I don't know. What do you guys think. I am so desperate to be able to stay in NA. There is AA in our town, but I'm not an AA'er. I belong in NA. I would be heart-broken to have to leave.
I spent my afternoon revisiting the 3rd step out of the workbook. I wrote answers to questions i thought I most needed to review concerning the issue with L. I spent time in prayer asking God to take my will and my life. I meditated on the 6th and 7th steps regarding how extreme my feelings and obsession are about the issue. I started feeling a little better. Then I went to my meeting....
We usually have about 30 people at our Saturday night meeting. L parked one row over at the same time as I did. There was about a 100 foot walk to the front steps. I waited for him to get inside. When he was 1/3 there,he looked back toward me. I remained in my vehicle. When he got up to the steps, he abruptly turned around and started walking back toward our vehicles (maybe thinking he could catch me out there alone?). About halfway back to our vehicles he turned back and went inside. After I knew he was inside, I waited another minute or so, then went in. Expecting a crowd, 10 minutes before meeting time, I went in to find only L, his friend, and 2 of his sponsees. Within 1 minute of the time I sat down, L started in on me. I sat there just staring at a wall trying to ignore him as he made verbal jabs and while standing up and glaring at me. The only response he got from me was "I will continue to work my program." He then said "well I will continue to work the program. No one intervened (of course not. they were his sponsees one sponsee wife). I sat there for a full 5 minutes taking this before I got up and left. I tried to not let him run me out of the room, but I just can't take it. I swear, if I did not have a child to take care of, I would be out of this world. I cannot live without NA and it appears I can't live with it either. Group conscience is tomorrow night. I believe this has reached a point where I can't take it any more and L is preventing me from having an atmosphere of recovery. I've been thinking about taking it to group conscience for the past few months, but I keep thinking I should exhaust all measures before resorting to that. But as of last Tuesday night, I have now called him out on it during a meeting and that still hasn't stopped him. I'm afraid that if I bring it up at group conscience, he will continue retaliating and/or, worse yet, the group will blow it off and L will know he has free run. I don't know. What do you guys think. I am so desperate to be able to stay in NA. There is AA in our town, but I'm not an AA'er. I belong in NA. I would be heart-broken to have to leave.
Last edited by daydream; 02-04-2006 at 10:05 PM. Reason: clarification
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by daydream
Group conscience is tomorrow night. I believe this has reached a point where I can't take it any more and L is preventing me from having an atmosphere of recovery. I've been thinking about taking it to group conscience for the past few months, but I keep thinking I should exhaust all measures before resorting to that.
Arg!
This just burns my shorts! Why aren't others in the program supporting and protecting you?!? Where I am, someone gets treated this way and others step up to the plate to make it right. Go to the group conscience meeting WITH your sponsor and others to support you and then tell it like it is. This guy needs to be stopped. I am sorry that you are the one to do it, though. Also, arrange to go to meetings with other women in recovery. It is not safe or healthy to go by yourself as tonight proved.
Praying for you, dear one.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Wow, I just read that whole story. That is tough. Have you ever seen that movie with the miner woman in it? I've not yet seen it, but it kind of reminds me of that. In a different way also G.I. Jane, both were they were women and they had to fight a huge battle. There's a reason for all this. I don't know what it is, but there is a reason. Stand Proud, and Stand Tall. Do Not Let him bring you down. The power of manipulation can only be taken on against you if you let it. Standing up for yourself in that one meeting you spoke up shows what's underneath, shows your courage and what you are made of.
What would you advise your kids to do in this situation.
Keep on going to that meeting. In time the truth will heal ALL. He is going to dig his own grave. He's digging it a bit each day. I'd get some mace for your keychain, give yourself some more power to feel safe. People do what works. When people figure him out, it won't work for him anymore. Don't you let him win. If you do, he's just going to do this to someone else. That next person may not be as strong as you are. Take him down girl!
Behind you 120%
DWI
What would you advise your kids to do in this situation.
Keep on going to that meeting. In time the truth will heal ALL. He is going to dig his own grave. He's digging it a bit each day. I'd get some mace for your keychain, give yourself some more power to feel safe. People do what works. When people figure him out, it won't work for him anymore. Don't you let him win. If you do, he's just going to do this to someone else. That next person may not be as strong as you are. Take him down girl!
Behind you 120%
DWI
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Go to the group conscience meeting WITH your sponsor and others to support you and then tell it like it is. This guy needs to be stopped.
*Feels dumb* but may I ask what group conscience is?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
I had a similar experience with the ex-gf of a guy who I was seeing in the program...
It became very uncomfortable to be in the same room with them.
Long story, but I'd done nothing wrong...they were not together when we had started going out-then he went back to her.
She of course was irritared with me...
they would do stupid childish things like get up and leave the meeting when it was my turn to speak...
My solution...go to more meetings!
Hold my head up and let them know that I wasn't going anywhere...
I had every right to be there.
Now, it's probably different if he's harassing you and having his cronies insult and terrorize you.
I didn't have to deal with that.
I am lucky enough to be a child of both AA/NA programs...
I am most at home in NA of course because it was drugs that gave me the ticket into this program.
However, I also have also drank like an alcoholic...and if I picked up a drink I could easily trade one addiction for another.
The thing about AA is that you will also find addicts there as well.
You may not be able to speak as freely about your drug use, but in reality AA is the "parent", the NA program...the "child".
I would not give up on my program, regardless of anyone...
But if you are beginning to fear for your own safety...it may be time to back away from that one unless you've got someone to go with you for support in the near future until this can be resolved.
"This"...is one of the main reasons why "recovery relationships" are so very difficult...
when they end...someone's program ends up suffering.
In my case.....
my "guy"...ended up leaving town, after the ex-gf relapsed. Saw him once after that, he'd also relapsed. Never heard from him again...
Guess it was a "God thing"...
He knew that I didn't need that sort of conflict & drama in my life!
It became very uncomfortable to be in the same room with them.
Long story, but I'd done nothing wrong...they were not together when we had started going out-then he went back to her.
She of course was irritared with me...
they would do stupid childish things like get up and leave the meeting when it was my turn to speak...
My solution...go to more meetings!
Hold my head up and let them know that I wasn't going anywhere...
I had every right to be there.
Now, it's probably different if he's harassing you and having his cronies insult and terrorize you.
I didn't have to deal with that.
I am lucky enough to be a child of both AA/NA programs...
I am most at home in NA of course because it was drugs that gave me the ticket into this program.
However, I also have also drank like an alcoholic...and if I picked up a drink I could easily trade one addiction for another.
The thing about AA is that you will also find addicts there as well.
You may not be able to speak as freely about your drug use, but in reality AA is the "parent", the NA program...the "child".
I would not give up on my program, regardless of anyone...
But if you are beginning to fear for your own safety...it may be time to back away from that one unless you've got someone to go with you for support in the near future until this can be resolved.
"This"...is one of the main reasons why "recovery relationships" are so very difficult...
when they end...someone's program ends up suffering.
In my case.....
my "guy"...ended up leaving town, after the ex-gf relapsed. Saw him once after that, he'd also relapsed. Never heard from him again...
Guess it was a "God thing"...
He knew that I didn't need that sort of conflict & drama in my life!
anyone who ever had a dream
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: where I wanna be
Posts: 68
Hey Daydream,
Sometimes people can be very weak and disappointing. I'm sorry he has a posse that won't seem him for what he really is. But I'm sure there are good strong people at the meetings, too. You say you have friends there ... and others who have taken up for you. Stick with them. You don't need to pay any mind to people who are going to be weak enough to let themselves be led by a bully. They are in worse shape than you are, in the long run, and you are so much better than that.
I would just keep going, and like others have suggested, keep your head held high. You are a strong person. You can do it.
Look at yourself in the mirror and say this every morning until you don't doubt it for a second.
Sometimes people can be very weak and disappointing. I'm sorry he has a posse that won't seem him for what he really is. But I'm sure there are good strong people at the meetings, too. You say you have friends there ... and others who have taken up for you. Stick with them. You don't need to pay any mind to people who are going to be weak enough to let themselves be led by a bully. They are in worse shape than you are, in the long run, and you are so much better than that.
I would just keep going, and like others have suggested, keep your head held high. You are a strong person. You can do it.
Look at yourself in the mirror and say this every morning until you don't doubt it for a second.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Southwest PA Pittsburgh Steeler country
Posts: 4
Hi Daydream,
I am still trying to figure out why you haven't gone to the police. File a temporary restraining order against him.
It sounds to me like he is stalking you. He is not playing with a full deck and sounds to me like he could be very dangerous.
Don't wait. You could end up having the lead role on Law & Order or some other made for tv movie.
Good luck
gramlexie aka Judi
I am still trying to figure out why you haven't gone to the police. File a temporary restraining order against him.
It sounds to me like he is stalking you. He is not playing with a full deck and sounds to me like he could be very dangerous.
Don't wait. You could end up having the lead role on Law & Order or some other made for tv movie.
Good luck
gramlexie aka Judi
Obsessed Pug Momma
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Probably at Wal-Mart
Posts: 1,331
Hi gang. Here's a mini update:
I really backed away from my homegroup, but kept going about twice per week. I managed to avoid seeing him. Then, a few nights ago, he came into the meeting and sat directly behind me again, even though I had called him out on it during the meeting two weeks earlier. We have a large meeting area in a church basement (except for the one mtg each wk @ a hospital). There are 50-60 seats available and usually only about half those seats are filled. There were lots of other places he could have sat. Sitting behind me again after being called on it publically was like trying to show me that he would continue doing whatever he wanted to do and no one was going to do anything about it. I did not get up and move. I sat there upset, but determined to allow others to see his true colors. It hurt to see that no one made a move to intervene at all. After the meeting many people approached me saying they noticed him sitting behind me. The next day I got a bit of good news. Two other men (besides the people L confessed it to last spring) told me he had confessed it to them also. It made me feel good to have witnesses here locally instead of just the 2 who live 50 miles away that we don't see very often. Even the 2 guys who told me that this week do not understand why L is admitting it to a select few people, yet still denying it to everyone else (even after they say they've seen the proof) and badmouthing me. One of the guys said L asked if I sound psychotic! LOLOL!!! Someone pointed out that this is exactly what he did to his ex-wife, going around telling people she was crazy and bad-mouthing her. It's true that I have depression and anxiety issues, but I've never been psychotic. Kinda bizarre that someone who HAS been in a psych unit, who is behaving like a sociopath, is trying to convince everyone that I am crazy! Also, 2 of the men from my group have called L this week and asked him why he's doing these things to me at the meetings. L actually hung up on one of them. Anyhow, suffice it to say, I am feeling a bit better and a little more supported by friends in recovery. It's still really painful and nerve-wracking to sit in a meeting with him, but at least I'm feeling like my reputation is being salvaged now as the truth comes out. I have a gut feeling that I'll be updating again very soon. L knows the truth is out now. I'm seeing signs that he's trying to salvage a shred of his reputation. I predict that within 2 weeks he is going to make some kind of admission that will allow him to admit we had a relationship (because he knows the lies aren't fooling anyone anymore), yet make it sound like I'm the bad guy (kind like when he says his picker is broke or that women "turn" on him, etc). Since these 2 guys are now acknowledging that L admitted it, he's going to either fess up or try to say they misunderstood him or that they're lying. As painful as this all has been, I must admit it's almost humorous to hear each new lie that comes out of his mouth. When confronted with his admission, he even told someone that it was a different Tammy (not my real name) that he dated, that he wasn't referring to me when he made the "admission". hahahahaha!!!! Strange, no one knows of him ever dating anyone else by my name. Stay tuned!
OH, and for the person who wonders why I haven't gone to the police... I did talk with a friend who is a police officer. She said that without proof, I can't get a restraining order. The only proof I have that he is harrassing me is those who have witnessed him sitting behind me or the one who saw him waiting for my by my truck. Those are NA members. I'm trying to exhaust all measures before even asking an NA member to testify. If I took L to court, that would also require me to break his anonymity. If he shows up at my house or actually attempts to harm me in any way, I"ll call the police, but right now I don't have any proof that he's a danger to me. I want legal involvement to be the absolute last resort because of our traditions.
I really backed away from my homegroup, but kept going about twice per week. I managed to avoid seeing him. Then, a few nights ago, he came into the meeting and sat directly behind me again, even though I had called him out on it during the meeting two weeks earlier. We have a large meeting area in a church basement (except for the one mtg each wk @ a hospital). There are 50-60 seats available and usually only about half those seats are filled. There were lots of other places he could have sat. Sitting behind me again after being called on it publically was like trying to show me that he would continue doing whatever he wanted to do and no one was going to do anything about it. I did not get up and move. I sat there upset, but determined to allow others to see his true colors. It hurt to see that no one made a move to intervene at all. After the meeting many people approached me saying they noticed him sitting behind me. The next day I got a bit of good news. Two other men (besides the people L confessed it to last spring) told me he had confessed it to them also. It made me feel good to have witnesses here locally instead of just the 2 who live 50 miles away that we don't see very often. Even the 2 guys who told me that this week do not understand why L is admitting it to a select few people, yet still denying it to everyone else (even after they say they've seen the proof) and badmouthing me. One of the guys said L asked if I sound psychotic! LOLOL!!! Someone pointed out that this is exactly what he did to his ex-wife, going around telling people she was crazy and bad-mouthing her. It's true that I have depression and anxiety issues, but I've never been psychotic. Kinda bizarre that someone who HAS been in a psych unit, who is behaving like a sociopath, is trying to convince everyone that I am crazy! Also, 2 of the men from my group have called L this week and asked him why he's doing these things to me at the meetings. L actually hung up on one of them. Anyhow, suffice it to say, I am feeling a bit better and a little more supported by friends in recovery. It's still really painful and nerve-wracking to sit in a meeting with him, but at least I'm feeling like my reputation is being salvaged now as the truth comes out. I have a gut feeling that I'll be updating again very soon. L knows the truth is out now. I'm seeing signs that he's trying to salvage a shred of his reputation. I predict that within 2 weeks he is going to make some kind of admission that will allow him to admit we had a relationship (because he knows the lies aren't fooling anyone anymore), yet make it sound like I'm the bad guy (kind like when he says his picker is broke or that women "turn" on him, etc). Since these 2 guys are now acknowledging that L admitted it, he's going to either fess up or try to say they misunderstood him or that they're lying. As painful as this all has been, I must admit it's almost humorous to hear each new lie that comes out of his mouth. When confronted with his admission, he even told someone that it was a different Tammy (not my real name) that he dated, that he wasn't referring to me when he made the "admission". hahahahaha!!!! Strange, no one knows of him ever dating anyone else by my name. Stay tuned!
OH, and for the person who wonders why I haven't gone to the police... I did talk with a friend who is a police officer. She said that without proof, I can't get a restraining order. The only proof I have that he is harrassing me is those who have witnessed him sitting behind me or the one who saw him waiting for my by my truck. Those are NA members. I'm trying to exhaust all measures before even asking an NA member to testify. If I took L to court, that would also require me to break his anonymity. If he shows up at my house or actually attempts to harm me in any way, I"ll call the police, but right now I don't have any proof that he's a danger to me. I want legal involvement to be the absolute last resort because of our traditions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ft Lauderdale Florida
Posts: 23
Amen you should not have to endure this especially in a program where I thought recovery support help etc was the foundation? What is wrong with those people??? I sure hop ewhen I find a local in person group they are like the people I remmber so fondly from back home in the 70's but I have fear whre I live hey they are manipulators, con-artists etc and then the alcohol and/or crack make them more so right??? Hang in there you have guts and diginity hey I got dumped because I got too skinny
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Newfie-Land, Mo
Posts: 1,623
I am a little confused here ??? I am not sure what is bothering you more ?? His denial of your relationship or his actions to humiliate you ? Either way this guy is obviously a sociopath. Be glad you realized his jerk status before he did something worse than this. It is just a matter of time before he is exposed. As for the people sitting back and watching this unfold...shame on them. It also sounds a little like your hesitation to involve the police is almost like you still feel the need to protect him. Big mistake.He has no intention of protecting you. You stated that if you did not have a child you would check out ? Why ? So this creep can live on and do this again. Call the police..at least it will be on paper somewhere. Personally sounds like this guy should not be so anonymous in this world. At least you know your not being malicous in exposing his actions. Keep on going to your home group. His days are numbered so stay strong and stand up for yourself. You have been strong enough to stay clean for 4 years...that takes some serious strentgh. do not sell yourself short...you can do this too !!!!! As for the weight, next time someone tells you to do something about it maybe you could suggest they do something about thier personality...I am sure you will lose the weight faster than they can change that part of themselves. peace and love..just keep doing the right thing girl !!!!!! Chin up !!!
If I only knew what I know now
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Lost in Space
Posts: 12
This is so called man is one who has a God complex and he uses it. He needs to get the **** kicked out of him and he will, another thing a smalll tape recorder, get the ******* on tape, and when there is a big meeting play the tape over the meeting, play the tape to many people get other woman who were used by him to get in on this, be very carful on who you clue in as to woman, some woman will still have some feelings for this thing anyhow, that should get him off his perdastal, mean time, hire get someone to put this man in his place by "not" messing w/ woman on the program.
When I used to go to AA it was woman w/ women on sponsoring.
I beleive you, I do. I feel this thing L wants you to mess up and start to use again, most people would and your not using makes him agitated, he can't break you this is what he wants to do, he wants to control you.
He is very sick, very...And with this in mind on his past I would carry a gun or stun gun. mean time form a close group of women that have been victims of him and find a way to throw the spot light on him in a way where he won't ever go near the NA meetings, this is a person who is very sick and if the police can get involved that would be a start. with the people I know he would be in the intensive care unit by now. At some point he will mess w/ the wrong woman that has a certain family that will put him in the intesive care unit or under ground, aside from that most people will do about anything for a can and a 20. You see I see this, what this L is doing is life threating to you and other woman, as for you gaining weight it shows you are eating, I have lost over 30 pounds I am still using, weight shows a person in most is clean...
Tammy
When I used to go to AA it was woman w/ women on sponsoring.
I beleive you, I do. I feel this thing L wants you to mess up and start to use again, most people would and your not using makes him agitated, he can't break you this is what he wants to do, he wants to control you.
He is very sick, very...And with this in mind on his past I would carry a gun or stun gun. mean time form a close group of women that have been victims of him and find a way to throw the spot light on him in a way where he won't ever go near the NA meetings, this is a person who is very sick and if the police can get involved that would be a start. with the people I know he would be in the intensive care unit by now. At some point he will mess w/ the wrong woman that has a certain family that will put him in the intesive care unit or under ground, aside from that most people will do about anything for a can and a 20. You see I see this, what this L is doing is life threating to you and other woman, as for you gaining weight it shows you are eating, I have lost over 30 pounds I am still using, weight shows a person in most is clean...
Tammy
Last edited by zapper; 02-25-2006 at 12:22 PM. Reason: spelling
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