BeginAgain

Hi all,
Some may remember me. Long story short - was clean 11 years from an opiate addiction. Relapsed in August 2004. Spent the next year fighting and struggling to get off the drugs. Finally suceeded in September 2005. Had a very hard time with PAWS, obsessive thoughts of using and depression. Tried a "safe" herbal remedy based on the recommendation of others - it worked wonders but as it turns out there is something in there as bad as what I was addicted to before and so the detox dance began again.

I am almost to the end of a slow dilution and taper plan to get off this "herbal" product. Finally feeling a little more positive about being able to do this. I'm just looking for a little added support and encouragement here. I am in NA and I have a few wonderful supportive friends who are helping me along the way..but I do visit and read the forum here alot. I get alot out of reading others posts and see alot of amazing support.

I am not very good at asking for what I need...I tend to just trudge onward and ignore what I need for the sake of everyone elses feelings and needs. So I'm trying to turn over a new leaf here and I'm asking for any of you who are willing to check in with me and provide a little support. And...if needed a good swift cyber kick in the butt. It's time to admit I don't have all the answers.

I start back to therapy tomorrow after a 3 week break that I think I needed to get refocused and serious about this. I have found a local NA meeting that meets my needs very well. It's a fairly small intimate group of people and the meetings are Monday - Friday at noon, Saturday at noon and Sunday at 1pm. I should be able to make atleast 3 of these meetings, my therapy and still be able to get my kids to their church functions. In the past I've had trouble working around the family and career...but it's time I came first for a while. I've been journaling every night and doing alot of reading in the Basic Text and It works literature.

I haven't formally starting writing out my steps yet because I feel like I need to be completely off this stuff before I formally work them - but i have absolutely no problem admitting my powerlessness. I am truly beaten and I definitely am ready to surrender.

I am not scared of any physical symptoms that may come - I've been there and done that and with the taper I've been doing I don't expet it to be that horrible. But I could use any suggestions from those who have been there on dealing with the obsession and compulsion that seems to consume you for a while after you stop using. This has been the thing that has beaten me in the past - I find it very difficult to resist those urges no matter how badly I want to.

Thank you to all and as I said I get alot out of your wisdom and strength - please keep posting!! I need all the good solid advice and all the hope I can get.

Phinneas

I don't see anything in your post or in what you are doing to warrant a kick in the butt, Janet. You are doing the right things - therapy, meetings, writing and so on. That's exactly how the program works - by taking action, by doing the next right thing.

This is a WE program. I am so glad you're reaching out and getting help.

As far as the withdrawals that are coming for you, I don't think you have much support from your husband, right? I would stick real close to people in the program and here at SR to help you through those rough days. When I went through my last withdrawal, I was so sick and miserable. It was awful, but I kept telling myself that every 5 minutes, every hour and every day was that much closer to feeling better. I just hung on and it worked. I did feel better. You've done it before, you can do it this time, too.

Glad you're here, Janet. Keep posting and we will keep supporting!

Luckyv2

Glad that you are here and it looks like to me that you are doing what you feel is right to do and I don't see anything wrong with that. I just wanted to extend myself here and say that if you ever need to talk we are here. Yes like Phinny said this is a we program, I can't do it alone and that is why we are here. I hope the best for you keep posting and I will send some good thoughts your way..

Love Vic

In memory of miracle

((( Beginagain )))
So glad to see you...
Bless, Trish

BeginAgain

I got some good suggestions from my therapist this morning for beating the obsessive and compulsive thoughts that always come once you stop using. For me this has been my downfall in the past while trying to get clean again. I could almost always get to the other side of the physical symptoms, but the mental obsession was always incredibly difficult to overcome.

I haven't tried these yet but I thought I'd throw them out there for anyone that might have an occasion to try them. My therpaist is a recovering addict with like 17 years clean and she swears that these things will help quiet the obsession, refocus you rmind and rewire the brain:

Eat Jolly Rancher candy.
Suck on a lemon wedge.
Stick your hand in ice cold water.
Attend daily meetings.
Call people every day as often as needed and talk about what you are feeling.
Write out your daily routine so that when the "fog" comes you stay on track.
Laugh - even if it's fake.
Take long hot baths - alternate with cold showers if needed.
Read a book - something fiction that you really get into - carry the book everywhere you go just incase.
Get reinvolved in your hobbies - remember those things you used to enjoy before addiction? Try getting reinvolved.
Take a walk.
Journal - write, write, write no matter how stupid it sounds...write it out.
Make a CD of your favorite music and listen to it.
Eat snacks - fruit, nuts, pretzels, crackers. Keep plenty on hand.
Create a focus point in every room of your home, in your car, in your office. When you start feeling wierd and the obsession rears it's head - look at your focus point and try to remind yourself where you came from and what you are trying to accomplish or work toward getting back on task.

It's worth a try. Don't know about the rest of you but I'd do anything to get through these obsessive thoughts and the compulsions that drive us to use no matter how badly we want to get better. I'll be trying these out the end of the week and through the weekend.

Thanks to everyone who has checked on me here and through PM. I really appreciate it. It helps keep me in track.

REZ

Let me add:
Pray/meditate

Early in recovery, I would say the serenity prayer over and over again when I had bad thoughts...this helped calm me down and gave me some hope...It really worked!

Adam

I wonder if this "herbal remedy" is Kratom leaves or powder? If so its just as bad for you as the opiates. Go see a doctor and ask for Clonidine, it really helped me until I could get in to a rehab program with a 5 day methadone and valium detox. The Clonidine really helps with the cravings and with the withdrawal symptoms, although i still had horrible muscle spasms and a little vomiting and diareah. Get back to me.
edit: ps DO NOT do a Methadone Maintanence Program its like trading a monkey on your back for a GORILLA!
love and hope
adam

BeginAgain

Adam thank you for your suggestion. I do have access to Clonidine - I have some here just in case. But I am praying that I have tapered down low enough on this stuff that when I stop the physical symptoms won't be so bad. It's always the mental obsession that gets to me.

Dont worry about the methadone, I'm not going there. I think it's helped many and for those who need it to get off Heroin or other drugs I'm fine with it, but as a personal choice but I want to be opiate free completely. Also my doctor advised against Methadone, Suboxone or any other opiate replacement or taper. I don't like who I become on opiates - of any kind.

My medical doctor is an addictionologist and I have discussed all of this with them. Since we don't know exactly what is in the drops I've been using, there is no way they know how to help me through it. Thus the dilution and taper was recommended to keep away the horrible physical symptoms.

Yes Rez - the Serenity Prayer..very good suggestion. I'll add that to my list of tools.

Thanks to all for continuing to check in...I'm still here and still fighting.

Adam

I forgot to ask you, what kind of opiates are you tapering from? Is it oxys, morphine, dilaudid, or something like Percocet or Vicodin?

love
adam

BeginAgain

Adam - that's a very long complicated story and it isn't a "traditional" opiate in the sense that I am taking pills. I got off lortab in September but developed an addiction to something else that was reported to be all natural and non-addictive. Well - it wasn't and there are strong suspicions flying around that this stuff has an opiate in it that is not listed in the ingredient list. Rather than repeat it all here I've sent you a PM, but for the record all there is no magic bullet and no way around - the only way is straight through.

Thanks again to everyone for their prayers, thoughts and concern. It means the world. This weekend will be rough so I expect to be line on alot. PLEASE -keep those positive thoughts coming! I'm going to get through this!!!!

Time4Change

You got it, Sweetie! Hang in there and post away. We'll be praying for you. Try to stay comfortable and baby the heck outta yourself. Watch DVDs, gobble ice cream, browse through some trashy magazines, soak in some bubble baths, listen to some NA speakers online (one of my favorite things to do).

Love ya!

BeginAgain

Oh gosh....if you have a link to listen to online speaker meetings I'd really really love to have it. I'm not sure if it's okay to post links here - it's not on some other boards but even if you have to PM please send me a link for that. Being able to listen to them online would be awsome. That sounds like the perfect thing to do to help keep myself thinking good thoughts while home feeling under the weather this weekend.

Wonderful idea!! Gosh I love this site!!!! I feel like I have a new cyber family!

Time4Change

Hi there! Glad you're interested in online NA speakers. I LOVE them! Moontime created a thread here about NA speaker CDs and such, and I thought I'd post a link to that thread because there are multiple websites and links provided throughout. Hope it helps!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cds-77272.html