Luckyv2

I am not doing good at all I need to vent here something terrible but I don't know anymore if I should. I have been working on my fourth step and it is like living it all again, but today it is so painful because I am clean and sober. I have been working out of the NA Step Study Guide with my sponsor and I just got down to where I start to write the RESENTMENTS!!! Well the first one on that list is ME ME ME>>>It is all about ME.

I was thinking and searching for other resentments and I don't have any of them anymore. I am so damn made at myself for what I have done, the lives that I have destroyed, the broken promises, dreams, the friendships that I have literly ruined because of drinking and using, but really it isn't even about that. It is about the person that I am, not necessarily today but OMG I have not done anything right in my life. I look back at the things that I have done and it is just so damn overwhelming it makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't want to eat, I have worked for hours on the step today. Then I was suppose to go visit a friend for the weekend and I didn't feel right I drove 70 miles one way and turned back around and came back. It was time for a meeting so I went to the meeting and towards the end I did talk about this and now all I can do is cry. I am not in good space at all right now, my head won't shut down, I don't think that I am going to drink or use because I know that won't do anything but make me more mad at myself and cause more harm to others and myself and society at whole.

So I know today that drinking and using is not going to do a damn thing but screw everything up worse. I know that I have to keep doing these steps to get what you people have. I know my part in alot of it, this is so damn hard to face the person that I was. I am not that person anymore but then again that could just be a lie in itself. I probably shouldn't be posting this either but I need to get all of this out. I know that I am a selfish, self-centered, egotisitcal fool who only think of what he wants and that is it.

My past life has been nothing but about what I could get and how I could get it, not caring about how it would effect others or any of the consequences. I never cared about anyone or anything. I was a heartless SOB, and if you got in my way I would find away to get around or threw you. I have been a menise to society since I graduated from High School, I am a person with over a 20 year criminal history who is probably damn lucky to even be in society, I should have been locked up with the key thrown away. I am not a good person.

Yet on the other hand when I am not drinking or using I am very caring, compassionant, lovable person. I try to be respectful and polite, I try to help anyone that I can. I don't know I just don't know. OK thanks for allowing me to use up some more of cyber space..

Love Vic

bikewench

Vic...

Yeah...
kind of a flash of sub zero realization ... eh...??
feels pretty crappy....

I knew it would take a living amends to even begin to balance that karma debt...

So.. I became willing to do that...



Blessings on that 4th ...

Sugah

Vic, I've heard of people doing a 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th step on that ONE ITEM that they can't seem to get past - the one that keeps you in that place (you know the place I'm talking about). They have to get it out to get on with the rest of it. Why not ask your sponsor about getting past you, then doing the rest of your 4th step?

I don't want to see you use over this, pal. I love your posts, and if you need to vent, keep venting away. Do anything but let it take you back out. If I got over me, you can get over you. Just do what you need to do, but don't use.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

2dayzmuse

If you continue to work on yourself and stay sober Vic, you will not be the same person that you were in the past. You will begin to notice the difference in yourself and so will others. Don't focus on the person you were, focus on the person you want to become. We've all done things we are ashamed of. Within time, you will heal and get past the ugliness and will be able to move forward. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person who has made a few mistakes. We are only human...

KelKel

Vic...
Sounds like you better come out of the past and get back into the moment.
Otherwise you are going to make your self bonkers.

godsonmyside

This is where the past steps come into play. Step 1 - Admitting, Honesty, Willingness, Openmindedness, Humility, Acceptance. These are all aspects of moving on from the first step, now in the 4th, pick them up an use them, internalize them. For all the fears, angers and resentments lean back on the first 3 steps. Believing that it will pass, that hope from the 2nd step, and now the 3rd step, surrendering to God, and not taking all this unmanageablity and turning out the way you want.

Fall back on the literature, Reading "We Do Recover", "Just For Today" and "More Will Be Revealed" will help get through this process. Remember that this is a fearless moral inventory, the past is done, these feelings will pass and reality will come alive realizing you no longer have to live like that. You no longer have to think of yourself as you were. We are not responsable for our disease, but we are responsable for our recovery. Pay now or pay later, if you wait till later the pain will still be there.

3 phases of recovery: Prepare for the storm, Go through the storm, and Prepare for the next storm. And the only way through the storm is to go through. People will help you through it, many have gone through the same thing if not most.

You will get through this.

Peace,
Todd J.

Luckyv2

This too passed and today I am working on my resentments and I think that I now have a lot more than a resentment at myself, but since I have not only read what you all have said, I have put into practice. Sure that is the person that I was, but I am not that same person today. I am allowing myself to look at who I was yet I am not longer that person. I am grateful today for who I am and not only for that but for the sponsor that I have in my life today and for all of you.

As I was sitting here my sponsor called me from back home and we talked. He told me to focus on who I am today, which is what I have been doing but not only that he told me that WE will be a lot happier when we get this done. I have worked really hard on this step again today and I am happy to be doing it today because when I went to bed last night I hit my knees (which I don't do often) and asked forgiveness for what I have done. I also asked that he help me to remember that even though I need to go through this process of the steps that I am infact not the same person as I was even a year ago. And that has given me more hope.

I just want to thank all of you for your replies they really have helped me so much. Again thanks

Love Vic

MagdaM

you're so strong. i don't know what else to say. be good to yourself--keep doing this. you're so amazing.

Luckyv2

Thank you my friend but I don't feel so strong, sometimes I am just hanging by a thread but I tied a knot in it LOL that way I don't slide off. I am thinking and sending good thoughts your way, if you need anything please, please get a hold of me..

Love VIc