The Boss got to me again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Marlboro, MA
Posts: 7
The Boss got to me again
Hi,
I want to share something that my boss said that is really stirring up a strong PTSD reaction in me.
Along with my PTSD I am also going through a Mid Life Crisis. A lot of the intense grief, sadness and shame that I suppressed growing up are starting to surface.
My boss is doing what my father did to me when I worked for him. My dad became extremely angry if I asked him how to do something and he would refuse to help me. Then he would scream at me for not doing it right. He would also act very disgusted with me. Knowing that I would be attacked but not knowing when made it awful. I became hyper-vigilant.
I am a Cad Drafter. I draw stuff using a computer. My boss is doing the same thing my Dad did. He becomes upset and refuses to help me if I have a question about how he wants a drawing done. He expects me to know things that I have not had any experience with. Just like my Dad.
The other day his boss (or our boss) went to him about having some maps worked on. He remarked that he asked his boss why he just didn’t go to Ernie (me) and say what he wanted done.
So I did a map for this boss, Robert, and told him that he could come directly to me and that I would be glad to help him.
So being the good little people pleaser that I am I went to my boss and told him that I told Robert he could come to me directly. I was trying to show my boss John that I was trying really hard to work things out so that he wouldn’t have to answer my questions. I also didn’t want him to think I was going over his head or leaving him out of the loop so I asked him if what I did was OK. He said that I could work with anyone directly as it was not his “turn to watch me.” “His turn to watch me” It was so demeaning. I was crushed. I could feel the old rage and shame swelling up inside me.
I was doing what I always did; I was trying to make it all better. And just when I was in an emotionally weak position that’s when he got his jab in.
He is leaving at the end of the year but I really don’t know if I can stand to be around him until then…
Ernie
I want to share something that my boss said that is really stirring up a strong PTSD reaction in me.
Along with my PTSD I am also going through a Mid Life Crisis. A lot of the intense grief, sadness and shame that I suppressed growing up are starting to surface.
My boss is doing what my father did to me when I worked for him. My dad became extremely angry if I asked him how to do something and he would refuse to help me. Then he would scream at me for not doing it right. He would also act very disgusted with me. Knowing that I would be attacked but not knowing when made it awful. I became hyper-vigilant.
I am a Cad Drafter. I draw stuff using a computer. My boss is doing the same thing my Dad did. He becomes upset and refuses to help me if I have a question about how he wants a drawing done. He expects me to know things that I have not had any experience with. Just like my Dad.
The other day his boss (or our boss) went to him about having some maps worked on. He remarked that he asked his boss why he just didn’t go to Ernie (me) and say what he wanted done.
So I did a map for this boss, Robert, and told him that he could come directly to me and that I would be glad to help him.
So being the good little people pleaser that I am I went to my boss and told him that I told Robert he could come to me directly. I was trying to show my boss John that I was trying really hard to work things out so that he wouldn’t have to answer my questions. I also didn’t want him to think I was going over his head or leaving him out of the loop so I asked him if what I did was OK. He said that I could work with anyone directly as it was not his “turn to watch me.” “His turn to watch me” It was so demeaning. I was crushed. I could feel the old rage and shame swelling up inside me.
I was doing what I always did; I was trying to make it all better. And just when I was in an emotionally weak position that’s when he got his jab in.
He is leaving at the end of the year but I really don’t know if I can stand to be around him until then…
Ernie
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 780
Ernie,
What a truly cruel thing to say to you..."my turn to watch you". It is demeaning and obviously the poor man has esteem problems, or else those words would have never come out of his mouth.
People who degrade and demean like that have no place in my life. Their opinions are meaningless to me and shallow at best.
Fight it, Ernie. Look at that statement and see how false it is...you know it is.
I can certainly feel for you on this one, for I have the same people pleaser tendencies and leave myself wide open for this type of thing.
But that's my problem...how I look at it is how I will perceive and process the comment.
Do I give the comment enough creedence to upset me and my whole day/week?
Do I dwell on this until I can possibly get nauseous?
Do I give this person power over the direction in which my thoughts/feelings go?
The answer to all the above is
YES.
I have to visualize a STOP sign. When I start feeling this way, I visualize the STOP sign and say stop stop stop...I will not go there.
All of the above questions can then be answered in a more positive, constructive, healthful way.
It's so hard to do, but I have to in order to get healthy...and one day I hope for great progress, noticeable progress in how I handle myself.
I'm the only one I've got and I am taking me with me everywhere I go, so I might as well enjoy my company.
Keep working at it Ernie, and keep coming back here and posting. It's so good to get it out of your head and onto the screen.
Hugs,
What a truly cruel thing to say to you..."my turn to watch you". It is demeaning and obviously the poor man has esteem problems, or else those words would have never come out of his mouth.
People who degrade and demean like that have no place in my life. Their opinions are meaningless to me and shallow at best.
Fight it, Ernie. Look at that statement and see how false it is...you know it is.
I can certainly feel for you on this one, for I have the same people pleaser tendencies and leave myself wide open for this type of thing.
But that's my problem...how I look at it is how I will perceive and process the comment.
Do I give the comment enough creedence to upset me and my whole day/week?
Do I dwell on this until I can possibly get nauseous?
Do I give this person power over the direction in which my thoughts/feelings go?
The answer to all the above is
YES.
I have to visualize a STOP sign. When I start feeling this way, I visualize the STOP sign and say stop stop stop...I will not go there.
All of the above questions can then be answered in a more positive, constructive, healthful way.
It's so hard to do, but I have to in order to get healthy...and one day I hope for great progress, noticeable progress in how I handle myself.
I'm the only one I've got and I am taking me with me everywhere I go, so I might as well enjoy my company.
Keep working at it Ernie, and keep coming back here and posting. It's so good to get it out of your head and onto the screen.
Hugs,
Last edited by Wolfstarr; 10-29-2005 at 08:39 PM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Marlboro, MA
Posts: 7
obsessing
Thanks Wolfstarr
Right now I am really obsessing about what happened. I'm in a protection mode by being hyper-vigilant. Handling rejection from a supervisor feels almost impossible. Usually I guit and look for another job. The trouble is it seems like the nice places to work fold up or go out of business. I can function when I'm being treated well... Also, I don't understand where all this hostility is coming from all of a sudden... A few weeks ago he told the employment agency that I was doing a good job. So now I am obsessing over what I might have done to cause this...
I can't say the right thing, I can't do the right thing. The other day he was wispering to a couple of engineers at his cubicle and when I stood up to go get a coffee the engineers facial expressions made them look like the kid that got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. So then I became paranoid. I started expecting group rejection.. I'm a mess over this. I'm locked into a real shame cycle. I'm anxious and depressed.
At a very deep level I feel ashamed of myself and so sorry for being such a screw up. This guy doesn't know it but he is stabbing at some very old, deep wounds.
I told my wife that I felt hurt by what the boss said and she blew up at me and gave me the snap out of it lecture. So now I feel totally alone.
This guy is my direct supervisor so there is no way to avoid him.
I don't know what to do...
Ernie
Right now I am really obsessing about what happened. I'm in a protection mode by being hyper-vigilant. Handling rejection from a supervisor feels almost impossible. Usually I guit and look for another job. The trouble is it seems like the nice places to work fold up or go out of business. I can function when I'm being treated well... Also, I don't understand where all this hostility is coming from all of a sudden... A few weeks ago he told the employment agency that I was doing a good job. So now I am obsessing over what I might have done to cause this...
I can't say the right thing, I can't do the right thing. The other day he was wispering to a couple of engineers at his cubicle and when I stood up to go get a coffee the engineers facial expressions made them look like the kid that got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. So then I became paranoid. I started expecting group rejection.. I'm a mess over this. I'm locked into a real shame cycle. I'm anxious and depressed.
At a very deep level I feel ashamed of myself and so sorry for being such a screw up. This guy doesn't know it but he is stabbing at some very old, deep wounds.
I told my wife that I felt hurt by what the boss said and she blew up at me and gave me the snap out of it lecture. So now I feel totally alone.
This guy is my direct supervisor so there is no way to avoid him.
I don't know what to do...
Ernie
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 780
Ernie,
You don't have to avoid him. It's your job. He's your supervisor. You don't have to like him and vice-versa...
First off, you are not a screw-up. You can hold a job and function. Ernie, it would be beneficial for you to think on the positive instead of dwelling so much on what others think...YES IT'S HARD TO DO.
One of the things I like to repeat to myself daily, sometimes hourly is:
It is none of my business what others think of me
Start somewhere, maybe even small affirmations on a daily basis, to build your confidence and self esteem. You are worth it!
You are a child of this universe, and even though we are but a speck, we belong and are here to learn, grow and even teach others. No one else has any more right to be here than you, or me. We are worth it.
C'mon. You can do it. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says, YOU ARE GETTING BETTER.
Ernie do have someone to talk with? A counselor or therapist? I have started seeing a therapist and it's amazing what I have learned. How sometimes I am passive-aggressive; manipulative; controlling; the "victim"; and jeez-oh-petes it was hard to admit I was all those things...
I don't know where I am going with this but I do feel for you and get that same gut feeling as you describe yours.
I'm with ya here Ernie. I understand. This feeling will pass and when it does, I may need comforting and reassurance from you...
Peace and prayers,
You don't have to avoid him. It's your job. He's your supervisor. You don't have to like him and vice-versa...
First off, you are not a screw-up. You can hold a job and function. Ernie, it would be beneficial for you to think on the positive instead of dwelling so much on what others think...YES IT'S HARD TO DO.
One of the things I like to repeat to myself daily, sometimes hourly is:
It is none of my business what others think of me
Start somewhere, maybe even small affirmations on a daily basis, to build your confidence and self esteem. You are worth it!
You are a child of this universe, and even though we are but a speck, we belong and are here to learn, grow and even teach others. No one else has any more right to be here than you, or me. We are worth it.
C'mon. You can do it. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says, YOU ARE GETTING BETTER.
Ernie do have someone to talk with? A counselor or therapist? I have started seeing a therapist and it's amazing what I have learned. How sometimes I am passive-aggressive; manipulative; controlling; the "victim"; and jeez-oh-petes it was hard to admit I was all those things...
I don't know where I am going with this but I do feel for you and get that same gut feeling as you describe yours.
I'm with ya here Ernie. I understand. This feeling will pass and when it does, I may need comforting and reassurance from you...
Peace and prayers,
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