Paulie

All about ME. That is my disease.

And not ME in a good way....usually poor me. I have a wonderful life, but my disease tells me on a daily basis that I don't. My disease has had it's hands around my throat for months now slowly suffocating me into isolation. Pulling me away from meetings, making me think I am better than......I had not been to what I call my home group in months I walked in there and only knew a few people...man that hurt my ego. Logically it makes sense, how would I know anyone if I never go. Duh!!!

So yesterday I ripped it's hands from around my throat and went to a meeting in the town next to mine all alone. A huge meeting where I knew NO ONE. That was huge for me, I like being comfortable, I like small meetings, I like knowing people.

It was an awesome meeting, I heard just what I need to hear, as usual .

So now I am coming here, which helps me pull those hands from my throat a little more.

Friends, all time means is that we have had more chances to learn the tools....it does not mean that we always use them.

Today, I am a grateful recoverying addict who has been blessed once again to make the choice to stay in recovery.

Gabe

And we all know where isolation can lead.
You're a tough broad Paulie.
I'm not surprised at all that you looked that beast right in the eye and told it to take a hike.
Good for you.

2dayisanewday

I am just wondering out of curiosity because I am not an alcoholic, my bf is...what do the meetings do for you? Why is it that people go so much and need to go so much. I hope that question does not offend you, I am just wondering because I want to understand. Thank you.

Doug

Thank you Paulie.

Paulie

Offend me???not at all.

Well meetings do lots of things for me. They remind me of where I came from, my disease likes to help me forget. They put me a room full of people that are all pretty much there for the same reason as me. They help me shut my mouth and open my ears to hear what works for others to stay sober.

When I say I heard exactly what I needed to hear I mean that I believe my HP speaks through others and when I get off the couch and go to a meeting, he speaks through other addicts in that meeting. And yesterday I was reminded by listening to others share that it is not about putting down the drugs or the bottle anymore for me, it is about change in my life. It is about applying the tools and the principals of the program into my life, it is about walking the walk not just blah blah blah out of my mouth.

It is about fellowship, feeling not alone. It is about learning from others what I need when I leave the meetings to continue to make those changes in my life that I need to continue to each to live life on lifes terms.

Gee I could go on and on.

Thanks for asking.

Luckyv2

(((((Paulie)))))

You know what, during those months that you were feeling that way so was I but you reached out to me and to let me know that I was OK> Our disease doesn't give a crap about who we think we are, or even how good of life we have or don't have, it just wants us DEAD. You have been a MAJOR factor to my recovery here at SR and you will continue to be. I thank you for what you shared cause that has been doing the same thing to me, but one thing is great right, WE are reaching out and that is the most important thing of all.

Love Vic

2dayisanewday

Thank you for explaining that to me Paulie. I have a hard time understanding the disease to be quite honest with you, that is why I got on here. Anyhow my bf will say to me "I need to go to a meeting" or "see this is what happens when I don't go to a meeting" and I don't quite know how to take that. Because ultimately, I feel we are all responsible for our own personal actions and sometimes people will use any excuse they can to make their behaviors justifiable. So that is why I was wondering why it was so critical after someone has been sober for 8 years. Like I said, I don't understand a lot of things......

Paulie

I understand, that you dont' understand...if that makes sense.

I have been sober over 10 years now. I need meetings, I need face to face shareing experience, strength and hope with over addicts in recovery.

And I said almost the same thing to my H yesterday. I cleaned up my side of the street and I apologized for recent behaviors for lack of a strong program.

I am sure there are people that use that as an excuse to justify behaviours. My disease uses it as an excuse to act on the behaviours.

For me, it isnt' about the drugs anymore, it is about life on lifes terms. Living life everyday and doing what I need to do, being responsible, careing, compassionate, loving etc etc. none of that comes easy or natural to me...that is what continueing to go to meetings helps me to work on.

The more plugged into meetings and recovery I am the more teachable I remain. And I was taught long ago that if I remain teachable I will not only stay sober, but I will be happy. That is what I want, that is what we all want to be happy with ourselves.

And when I got to a meeting like I did yesterday and I hear a guy with less than 2 years clean talk about what he sees when he looks in the mirror today, a guy that is honest and cares for himself. That respects himself and others, that make sme happy. that helps remind me of what I continue to strive for when I look in the mirror. Because that comes and goes for me if I dont' remain teachable.

I admire you for asking and for admitting that you dont understand.

2dayisanewday

I truly believe that we all need each other way more then we think. We need support & friendship much like we need the air we breathe, the food in our tummy, water, etc. People don't want to have to "need" other pepople though, sometimes we want to do it all on our own or we feel frustrated asking for help. I can see how having the support would be a safe feeling, knowing you are not the only person to struggle, somewhere out there someone always has it worse or someone really has been through something very similiar.

namommy

Paulie,
I'm really glad you faced your disease and took it head on. It really sux to go through those times of complacency. As Vic said, you are an important part of my recovery here on SR. I've told you before that I really respect your recovery, and this is just one more reason why.

Paulie

Dang....I hope it is hormones, but you guys bring tears to my eyes.

What do we say...the theaputic value of one addict helping another!!! Aint that the truth!!!!!!!!

Thank you all so much for giving me such a safe place.

Anna

This is such a great thread!

Paulie, you always know when to take action and how to take care of yourself. You are such a great role model. My disease tells me that my life isn't ok too, often on a daily basis. It's been interesting to me that this year I had two very, very happy family events in my life. It was just before and during those two events, the joyous, fun-filled, exciting times, that my disease talked extremely loudly to me. There was a moment when I went into the bathroom and gave a silent scream that 'YES I do deserve this'.

This disease is relentless and that is why recovery is an ongoing journey.

Luckyv2

[QUOTE=Paulie]Dang....I hope it is hormones, but you guys bring tears to my eyes.

QUOTE]
(((((((((((Paulie))))))))))

We all bring tears to each others eyes and that is growth today, YOU have made me feel welcomed and always has been there. YOU are such an IMPORTANT part of so many people here at SR and I KNOW that you can feel that. Really I wish that you would post more often, that gave me something to really look at today, so thank you.

Love Vic

Paulie

Thanks Vic, I really apprecite it.

Anna....you know this is a great time in my life and my disease just hates that!

godsonmyside

Thanks Paulie
Might I be a tool here and just say as a reminder, We don't need to get back to the basics, IF we never leave them.

I too, a few years ago walked away from meeting only to return as a New Comer again. Our disease(Dis- Ease with self) wants us dead, and the longer we feed it, the more it has over us. Don't tell God how big your problems are, Tell your problem how BIG your God is. I have been back for 19 months and I have a sponsor and I sponsor 5 men and even sponsor a gentlemen who is now taking on to sponsorship, work the steps and do service work. The Basic Text tells us that once we move away from obsessinf over self, we truely learn what it means to be happy, joyous and free. I believe that and of course is my goal.

What I've seen of you on here I admire you too, and this process is life long, We step in our own way sometimes, and if we stay clean, we learn and teach someone, if we don't stay clean and IF we make it back, we learn and teach someone, either way its always about staying clean and learn a new way to live.

Peace,
Todd J.

Paulie

Yes it is, I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.

babeekj

Paulie , I am sorry to interrupt , but dang can we talk about ME now??
OK sorry jez kiddin , had to do it

Gooch

((((((Paulie)))))))

Even when I am trying to get out of myself to help someone else i worry about my will sneaking in to mess up a better plan.


The longer I stay in this process the more you all seem to know what to say.


Seems most of the knowledge I have is on loan from God as I understand him and he uses tools like Todd to put it back in my face ..

(Sorry Todd I had to use that)

sort of funny that an expression that most of us would have thought was a slam a few years ago, can be percieved as a complement today.

I have to remember that it doesn't say anywhere I have to go to meetings.

course it doesn't say in any of the owners manuals for my bikes or cars that i have to go to the gas station either....