freedomseeker

I just shared my 4th step with my sponsor Monday, and at the end in the secrets section, I brought up something that had been eating at me since I came back to the rooms. I was battling with wether I had relapsed in January when I had my surgery or was it just a close call. I was afraid to ask anyone because I didn't want them to tell me I relapsed so I held on to it, but I new when I did this 4th step in order to work an honest program I had to at least bring it to the table and deal with the consequences. I "have" 4 years clean. After two years I stopped recovering and just stayed clean, got real "sick" after leaving boyfriend being on my own, feeling alone. I had knee surgery and got even sicker and had my ass kicked back into the rooms and started recovering again. When I had my knee surgery I was prescribed vicadin for pain. I used it as prescribed, accept for a few nights I took two instead of 1 at bedtime to sleep better. I do believe if my memory serves me right the next day I took two instead of 1 during the daytime and emptied the bottle into the toilet that night so as to not really overdo it and take myself out completely. Is this a relapse and did I lose my clean time???

michski

(((( FreedomSeeker ))))

If you were my sponsee I would not consider your use of vicodin for knee surgery a relapse.. If you took it when you weren't in pain I would. The fact that you flushed the remaining pills tells me that you take your recovery very seriously... you felt your addiction awakening and you did something about it. Good for you!

Keep up the good work and congrats on your clean time and completeing your 4th step!

REZ

I wouldn't consider this a relapse either, but a close call. I can understand how this would be troubling you. I am glad you shared this with your sponsor and us.

Gooch

In Times of Illness

This has helped me process me feelings about using medication under Doctor's orders.

I hope that it helps you come to your own terms as well.

freedomseeker

Thanks to all who replied. I just want to be true to myself. I just don't know if my addict mind is trying guilt me into thinking I relapsed and self-sabotage my recovery. I mean, is it normal to feel like we are getting a free high when we take prescribed medication? I will keep asking for guidance from my HP.

Thanks

Luckyv2

Not for me to decide if you relapsed that is up to you I only know for me and if I took more than what I was persecribed no matter what the reason is I would have to considrer is a relapse for me. You will get the answer for yourself if you look deep into you and how you feel. Obviously there is a question or you would not be asking.

Love Vic

nutz

It's in the Basic text book.
Chapter " More will be revealed"

I can only speak of my own experience.
I was in an accident and had to take pain medications.
Will....they shot me up with morphine everyday then scrubed me
for almost a month.
Pain medications r addictive regruardless.
I started taking more than I was suppost to.
Fortunatly, I was living with a recovering addict at that time.
It was a debate to get my third refill.
I lost the debate.lol and I bitched and complainted.

Years later that very same person went out and relapsed,
(drinking and using) after a surgery. So yeah, it can happen that fast
and just like that. And you know...i don't care what she did.
I just hope that she's clean & sober and still alive today.

I didn't consider I relapsed during that. If i really wanted to get wacked
out of my mind, I could have easily done it.

I just had a better understanding of my dis-ease.
My disease finds way for me to beat up on myself.
If I'm doing this right or wrong..and on and on.
Gray issues or whatever.
And god forbid if I should make a mistake...Y I might as will
throw it all away and go get really messed up...and bam youre gone.

I stayed real, real close to the fellowship like the book suggusted.

freedomseeker

My HP and I have decided to go ahead and surrender to what I did, and admit to myself and others that I was trying to get high with out really trying by taking just one more than I should have. Just dipping my toe in. It sucks, because I really didn't get high and I am losing 4 yrs of clean time, but not recovery. I am glad that I didn't completely lose it in a relapse I could have died. I am still alive and I have approximatley 8mths. I have pin pointed the day yet.

My question to those with experience. How do I go about getting honest in meetings, and claiming my new clean time? NA suggestions would great!

WestCoastSwan

I can't comment on your question since I don't qualify but I'd like to say that when you do share that at a meeting, please please please don't understimate the powerfully positive effect your honesty will have on other people.

Here's what I mean: I attended a women's meeting once a week and there was a member who had a lot of clean time whose recovery I really respected. One day she came to the meeting and shared that after 3 years she had relapsed and how she felt ashamed of herself and like such a disappointment that she didn't want anyone to know but forced herself to fess up because she knew she was putting her recovery in jeopardy if she didn't.

As a new member, that confession almost knocked me out of my chair. At the time, I couldn't imagine having the courage to put my pride aside and have that kind of honesty. I tried to rationalize why she could've not said anything which really(!) bothered me and lead to a very heavy, sincere and life changing discussion with my sponsor.

To this day, that meeting was one of the biggest catalyst for me to better my life. So, when you do share freedom know that you're living true to your name and giving others the courage to do so also.

theNAway

It must be hard.
Gooch had some really good advice. Especially - In Times of Illness -
I too have been in the program and had to take meds. The first thing I did was tell the Dr. I was an addict. I had my wife right there with me. I then went home without any meds to see if I could deal with the pain without any. My doc and my wife were both VERY surprised I didn't accept her offer for hydro or oxy. The Dr. asked me if I was scared about becoming "re-addicted" - her words. I said $#%# yeah. My wife told them that was probably half the problem with the pain being even more, from the stress. Because I have been in recovery for a while and haven't had to deal with this type of situation yet.
I ended up suffering for a day before I went to my primary care physician who knows I am an addict. We discussed everything for 15min. or so, including my feelings of having to take some meds.
I was scared for a bit. But I talked to my sponsor, my wife, and other people in the program more than usual about it. I also had my wife take care of the meds for me. I ALSO read the basic text and "worked" the program a lot more.
Where there is a will there is a way. For me that means if I want to stay clean I can. I can also talk myself right into using again and rationalizing it.
If I ever have a question about something I did, I usually listen to my "inner voice" (HP), which usually answer my question.
I personally am happy you are still in recovery. THAT is what REALLY matters. Not what others thinkn about how much clean time you have.
To me, the amount of clean time you have doesn't mean STATUS, but that the program has worked for you.
I have met some "sick" people with a bunch of time. I have also met some that have retained "life skills" during their excursions of using through life. Not to mention those I have met that go to meetings that can talk the talk, but have never worked a step in their life, or put the program into their everyday life.
Clean time to me is something personal that shouldn't be regarded as a #.
Being clean today, working the program today is as important as the newcomer just walking into the program.
Glad you made, more important I admire your person honesty.

Chad H.

Time2Surrender

Sorry,I dont have too much advice on the relapse thing.I am still new.Congrats on finishing your 4th and 5th step.Im still working on mine.

hopealwayz

I wouldn't consider that a relapse. It is good that you flushed the remaining contents of the bottle when you felt it becoming a big problem.
I know it is so freeing that you finally was able to talk about this instead of keeping it bottled up.
You are going well.