My Mind is Going
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
My Mind is Going
As I stand here in this city today
I don't know if life is but to say hey
As people are all around me
Not knowing anyone they just let me be
I go threw the day to reach out my hand
The people turn their backs and stand
Not knowing that I am a prisoner of me
Do I really want to be free
I hold on with all that I have
Some days are good but a lot of sad
I keep reaching out but there is nothing but air
Should I say anything, would they care
Do people really have a purpose in life
Or do we think that it is all right
These are the thoughts that go threw my mind
Shouldn't we try to be kind
Why should we even reach out a hand
Usually we just sink in the sand
As these thoughts run threw my head
I should be asleep laying in bed
But I have no place to go
Maybe tomorrow I will do some blow
I don't know if life is but to say hey
As people are all around me
Not knowing anyone they just let me be
I go threw the day to reach out my hand
The people turn their backs and stand
Not knowing that I am a prisoner of me
Do I really want to be free
I hold on with all that I have
Some days are good but a lot of sad
I keep reaching out but there is nothing but air
Should I say anything, would they care
Do people really have a purpose in life
Or do we think that it is all right
These are the thoughts that go threw my mind
Shouldn't we try to be kind
Why should we even reach out a hand
Usually we just sink in the sand
As these thoughts run threw my head
I should be asleep laying in bed
But I have no place to go
Maybe tomorrow I will do some blow
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
I think that I am really struggeling right now again, I am so sick of this I don't know what to do. I want so so bad to give in yet I find myself knowing that it is not going to do anything but make things worse. I went to I Hop today to get something to eat and this waitress that I really don't know but have made conversation with informed me that friday is the day(to score). Now here I am in a new town trying to do what I want to do and stay clean and now I have my two all powerful things to have to deal with (this waitress LOL and the dope). They go hand and hand with my disease, it is like getting a real dose of temptation right now cause I have been really lonely here lately and that would help, yeah right here I am now lying to myself.
I came on here earlier and posted those thoughts that ran threw my head which is how things come out sometime and then I re read them and OMG I am setting myself up, I don't know how to get out of this funk that I am finding myself get into. I am doing what I am suppose to be doing or atleast I think that I am. I wish that a man could just be happy joyous and free all of the time, but that is not reality is it now. I don't know if it is part of a mental illness that I should address with the proper people and if I did OMG they would probably lock me up for life. I have some skelectons in my closet and now that I am getting far enough away from the drug I find myself scared to let anyone in on me.
I realize that this probably doesn't make any sense to anyone here and that is ok I just needed to get it out and I do trust SR, I just don't trust me. I have to go thanks for letting me here to post.
Love Vic
I came on here earlier and posted those thoughts that ran threw my head which is how things come out sometime and then I re read them and OMG I am setting myself up, I don't know how to get out of this funk that I am finding myself get into. I am doing what I am suppose to be doing or atleast I think that I am. I wish that a man could just be happy joyous and free all of the time, but that is not reality is it now. I don't know if it is part of a mental illness that I should address with the proper people and if I did OMG they would probably lock me up for life. I have some skelectons in my closet and now that I am getting far enough away from the drug I find myself scared to let anyone in on me.
I realize that this probably doesn't make any sense to anyone here and that is ok I just needed to get it out and I do trust SR, I just don't trust me. I have to go thanks for letting me here to post.
Love Vic
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
Posts: 501
Makes a whole lot of sense to me pal.
These are areas we are going to find difficult, at times, its natural.
I would just remove myself from the situation -with the waitress, its perfectly normal to feel lust (anyman would with an attractive waitress) but my internal logic, my internal power, my sense of self, would not allow me to indulge. Have faith in your ability to over come this. And get help if needed.
Your not crazy. Its normal. How we react, however, is important.
These are areas we are going to find difficult, at times, its natural.
I would just remove myself from the situation -with the waitress, its perfectly normal to feel lust (anyman would with an attractive waitress) but my internal logic, my internal power, my sense of self, would not allow me to indulge. Have faith in your ability to over come this. And get help if needed.
Your not crazy. Its normal. How we react, however, is important.
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
I just don't know how much more of life I can take right now, I was invited out to a club, It was some BS thing that I didn't want to be there but this guy from the program wanted to go, I felt like I didn't belong there OMG this is a f***en first not belonging at a club. Anyway I called this girl that we meet there and asked her to give this guy a ride, she said "What is wrong?" How the Hell do I know what is wrong, If I knew I wouldn't have left and If I knew I wouldn't be here at SR right now, I am on really thin Ice right now SR and I don't like this feeling at all, I feel empty inside, I have been reading my ass of and praying a lot, don't know. Like this says I think that I am loosing my mind but you know what I don't really think that a lot of people really give a flat F*** about too much anyway.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
You feel ........
takes a while to get used to it.. like learning to sleep in the daylight when you first take a night shiftt.
We aren't used to the constant bombardment of emptions and not being able to shut them off.
Your only on thin ice if you pick up the first one. .... or act on a harmful thought.
Time bud... it takes time and there are days that you wish you cold just push a button, flip a switch, take a pill, roll a fatty .. etc. etc. but we have to remember we are unable to use succesffuly anymore.
I'll keep a good thought for ya today.
takes a while to get used to it.. like learning to sleep in the daylight when you first take a night shiftt.
We aren't used to the constant bombardment of emptions and not being able to shut them off.
We will regain the capacity to experience a full range of human emotions.
Time bud... it takes time and there are days that you wish you cold just push a button, flip a switch, take a pill, roll a fatty .. etc. etc. but we have to remember we are unable to use succesffuly anymore.
I'll keep a good thought for ya today.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Vic)))
Feelings can be overpowering. But, we don't have to give into them.
I've found the best way to change what I'm feeling is to change what I'm doing. Does your house need painting or anything like that? How about starting a fall garden? Physical labor really helps me get out of myself.
Continue to post and know that we care. Yes, Vic, we CARE about you.
Shalom!
Feelings can be overpowering. But, we don't have to give into them.
I've found the best way to change what I'm feeling is to change what I'm doing. Does your house need painting or anything like that? How about starting a fall garden? Physical labor really helps me get out of myself.
Continue to post and know that we care. Yes, Vic, we CARE about you.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
Posts: 501
Originally Posted by Gooch
You feel ........
takes a while to get used to it.. like learning to sleep in the daylight when you first take a night shiftt.
We aren't used to the constant bombardment of emptions and not being able to shut them off.
Your only on thin ice if you pick up the first one. .... or act on a harmful thought.
Time bud... it takes time and there are days that you wish you cold just push a button, flip a switch, take a pill, roll a fatty .. etc. etc. but we have to remember we are unable to use succesffuly anymore.
I'll keep a good thought for ya today.
takes a while to get used to it.. like learning to sleep in the daylight when you first take a night shiftt.
We aren't used to the constant bombardment of emptions and not being able to shut them off.
Your only on thin ice if you pick up the first one. .... or act on a harmful thought.
Time bud... it takes time and there are days that you wish you cold just push a button, flip a switch, take a pill, roll a fatty .. etc. etc. but we have to remember we are unable to use succesffuly anymore.
I'll keep a good thought for ya today.
Getting Restored To Sanity
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 179
A new town. Do you go to meetings? I suggest to do the next right thing and get to the first available meeting and get connected there. Make healthy friends, ones who care about your recovery.
Keep On Keepin' On....
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alberta
Posts: 41
It sounds like you are at where I was at not more than two days ago!! Vic, you need to remember that you can do this, and each day you don't use will be one day closer to finally feeling human again. It takes time, and for us addicts/alkies, time is the WORST four letter word in the English language. Please go to meetings and more meetings, and find yourself a good sponser. Mine had been a God send...literally. Please don't give up, Vic...I know it feels bad right now, but like my husband says to me: "You can feel bad today and know it's going to get better, or you can use and know it isn't."
Just hang in there, and know we do care and are here if you need us! I'll say a prayer for you to have the strength you need to make it through this time. Do you have a wife, or a really close friend that could be with you right now and help you through this?
HUGS!
Michelle
Just hang in there, and know we do care and are here if you need us! I'll say a prayer for you to have the strength you need to make it through this time. Do you have a wife, or a really close friend that could be with you right now and help you through this?
HUGS!
Michelle
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Ok here it is day three and still feeling really down, I have reached out to people in the meetings here and I don't get anything back. The space that I am in right now, I could usually ask someone to stay with me but how I am going to do that when NO one here wants or cares. Plus I am still clean and sober but I am not sure if that is going to last usually friday and Saturdays are hard enough but I have been going threw this for a few days now and I have not been getting any relief. I have been ready, praying, going to meetings, talking, trying to work my steps but everytime I start writing, I just start crying. You all say that we are just sick people maybe some are just plain evil, I have been wondering that myself here lately. Maybe God is finally telling me that I have no purpose in this life anymore (since I dropped out of ministry school years ago) and have made such a mess of the life that he has given me. I don't really know but I do know that I am not NOT NOT in good space and I HAVE NO CLUE AS WHAT TO DO. I even kept my promise for chairing WED night here and OMG what a good meeting sitting here at SR but myself in the meeting room that will keep me sober huh. WTFE
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