thanx2methodone

I have never felt shittier in my life..Yesterday i messed up after being clean for 11 months and 6 days. It was the longest that i have ever been clean for for the past 6 years, and i have never felt shittier about myself than i do know. I honestly dont iunderstand why i did, or what the h** was goin through my head at the time. All i know is that i messed up and i feel like such a failure.
I told my parents about it, because i am completely overwhelmed with guilt and shame, and needless to say, they are VERY dissappointed in me.
The trust and and relationships i have developed with them over the past 11 months, all went to **** with that ONE STUPID decision. I honestly do not know why i did what i did. I really thought i was over with that, and that i was strong enough not to be led into temptation.
I just feel so ****** about myself, about everything actually. I was doin so good....and now i have to start all over again!! It seems like everything that i had gained in the past 11 months, (better relationships with my family, trust from family and friends, respect form others and for myself, self esteem and strength, etc.), was all ruined with just one stupid decision!! It makes me so mad!!!!
I'm not really sure why i am sharing this with all of you....I have felt really depressed all day and i guess i just needed to share with people who understand what i am goin through, and who hopefully wont be mad at me, or judge me because of my one stupid decision.
Sorry for rambling, i guess i just needed to get this all out.
Thank you all for listening.....
and if anyone has any advice or suggestion on what i could do to get rid of this sinking, guilty feeling or anything that could help to rebuild my relationships with loved ones, or even just your own story of success......just anything right now would be greatly appreciated.
I am just hurting so much right now, I am so dissappointed in myself and i know everyone else is too. I am just trying to look at this as a learning experience and pick myself up off the ground and move on.

Thank you guys so much for listening....

Evanna

I am a bit brain dead right now but i simply want to let you know that i heard you. Big hugs. Evanna.

lizzerz79

I don't know exactly what you meant by strong enough not to be tempted but it's been my experience that I am never strong enough not to be tempted. I don't know how many times I have tried to test myself or heard other people testing themselves with temptation because we thougt we were strong enough to resist and we failed every time. Maybe we didn't fail the first couple of times but we did fail eventually. I've come to the conclusion that I need to avoid temptation at all costs. It's life or death. I can't afford to think about how strong I am and how I could posssibly resist. I need to assume that I won't resist and not go there. The only other thing I can say about this is that you need to figure out why you relapsed. Talk to your sponsor about it. If you don't know why you relapsed you won't be able to prevent it from happening again. You need to figure out where you went wrong so you can take steps to prevent it from happening again. I think it's good that you're here though. This isn't the end of the world. I relapsed after 9 months clean and thinking I would never use again. It turned out to be a really great learning experience for me (I wouldn't recommend anyone going out to try it though, you don't always have to learn the hard way). I learned some stuff about myself and my addiction that I hadn't learned any other way. It proved to me once and for all that I was an addict, that I was powerless, that I would always be an addict. Anyway, good luck to ya. Get to some meetings. Talk to your sponsor.

PlanoTexican

thanx2methodone,

One bad day out of 11 months is better than 11 months of bad days. Please don't give up what you still have. You can still choose to be clean/sober starting today, one day at a time.

klegrand

thanx2methodone, that is why we say, one day at a time. Today!!!! Today is what matters. And your guilt and anger is a good sign. As well as your honesty with those that are close to you and honesty with youself. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

tyler

Nobody, even you, can take those 11 months away from you. You earned that time. You made a mistake. You said you don't know why you used, but if you really think about it you will figure out why, and that is important. There are always warning signs that lead up to a relapse, and it is important to learn to reconize them, so you can head it off at the pass, so to speak. Do you go to NA meetings? If you do this is definately something you may want to discuss with your sponsor. If you don't you may want to try going to them. It will provide you with an excellant support system that you can lean on when you feel that relapse comming on. Just rember, those 11 months are not "lost", especially if you can learn from this experience, and if you jump "back on the waggon." If you just sit there and feel sorry for yourself, continue to use, etc, then they will be lost and so will you. Good luck and keep posting your thoughts and feelings here. Take care.

KelKel

This is why we addicts have to stay in the moment.

roadie58

cunning, baffling, powerful. While you napped, your disease was out in the parking lot doing pushups. You just forgot that you have this disease. By chance, have you been slacking on meetings or prayer lately? That always leads me to a bad place.


Sorry for your bad experience. It took me lots of them to get where I am, but I've still not had your level of success. It was only one day right? Put the bat down, and live for today- tomorrow is done.

indigo

You know every day is day one in everbody's lives, you can't cancel out your sober time it will always be with you. Don't beat yourself up, start over, turn that page. You admitted it I salute you for your courage.
Hugs indigo

BikerBill8

Just get back to meetings and tell on yourself at your home group. So glad that you made it back.

skissors6

I agree with everything else that was said, but also just wanted to say that i completely relate to the feelings of guilt and those feelings are the ones that are going to keep me from using in the future. I have relapsed many times, but this time, i am so sick of starting over (those first 30 days are the longest) that I really don't want to use. Obviously, if the time ever comes where i am in temptation and i really don't care, then of course i will use, but for today, i don't. The only suggestion i can make is just w hat is working for me this time around. I know it sounds ******** and i used to doubt that it actually worked, but if you have a"just for today" book, read it every morning before you start your day. It works. If you don't have one, get to a meeting and get one. That little book saved my life i am convinced.

Just hang in there and know that you are worth something and we all need you here, so you can't leave.

we love you, and just keep posting if that's all you have right now!
Don't let the opinions of others (especially people out of program) bring you down. And, i agree, talk to your sponsor. that helped me as well. I have put my sponsor thru some crazy Sh*t and i thought she would never talk to me again, but she is still there. We are all family here!

-Skiss

icefalcon

welcome to recovery! i am reaching out for the first time in 11 years. i'm glad i found this site. i have 18 years clean. somedays i'm in recovery somedays i'm stuck in my addicts head. but i have 18 years and i still think and have bad days. its what i do after those thoughts that matter.
one part that i'd read in your post that i'd like to respond to is; you losing everything and having to start over. you mentioned everyone but you. you messed up. you did not lose what you have learned or gained mentally or spiritually. your clean time might start over, but your recovery continues!!!!!

tyler

Man skissors, you have really come along way, just wanted to say I'm proud of you. Take care!!

thanx2methodone

Thank you all so much for your postings! It gives me hope to know that I am not the only one in the world goin through this. (Although it feels like it sometimes.)
I still feels alot of guilt and shame for using, but i am trying my hardest to get back on track, and that alone makes me feel a little bit better. It has now been 5 days since i messed up. After messing up 11 months, 5 days doesn't seem that long to me, but i am taking it one day at a time.
Thank you all again for your love and support while i am goin through this rough time. You have no idea how much I have to thank you all for everything. Those 11 clean months i had should be credited to you guys, cause i honestly believe that i wouldn't have been able to get through it without you.
So here i am. starting my journey again, and i plan to frequent this site as much as i did before, cause i find that it really does help for addicts to reach out to other addicts.
I know i can do it this time...as long as i have you all by my side

Thank you all for the Encouragement.