namommy

I wasn't going to come on tonite. I just don't have it in me to read through all of the posts, and my addict attitude of "all or nothing" has been kicking up. The thoughts that if I am not able to read and post to the messages that I can offer some experience with, then I shouldn't be coming on. I know, it's just my head offering up some more bull sh*t.

I had a talk with my sponsor last night. With everything going on in my home, and in my life, and in my sponsees lives, etc. etc. etc., I feel like I have given until I am empty, and I haven't been getting anything in return. It has been a long time now, that my sponsor has been focused on this surgery that she just had, all the appointments leading up to it, and I haven't really been getting what I need. I told her, I need to do something, I need to get what I need. I feel like I am empty, and have nothing left to give.

I feel like I just want to collapse at this point. I have had a tension/migraine headache for 2 days now. I haven't been getting much sleep. I am exhausted.

I needed to post this just to get it out so I can start doing something about it.

Thanks.

Aa_vark

Roxann

I wish I could give you some brilliant advice that would suddenly make the solution so clear. But I can't. What I can do is offer you a shoulder to lean on, an ear that will listen and arms that will give you a big and a few prayers thrown in too.


I'm here if you need to talk Laurie.

Evanna

You give all the time around here Namommy. I see you being a real pillar of this community. Perhaps its time to do a little taking and a lot of caring for you.

Warmest Wishes
Evanna.

cj.

:hugehug

I'm here anytime you need a friend.


cj

historyteach

(((Namommy)))
I'm here whenever you need a friend too!
L'Chaim!

Buny

NaMommy
You have always been filled with such great insight, perhaps it is time to listen to yourself and smell the roses of recovery.
Bunny rabbit here if you need a freind

Gooch

Nothing?

When all is said and done all we have to give is our experience, strength, and hope. Thanks for sharing yours.



I've been sort of scattered lately too Laurie...

Haven't been feeling as if I have all that much to say..

On the one hand I know how to stay clean through everything thats happened to me over the last 14 years. On the other hand it seems as though when my life starts to surge ahead and I feel like I have finally done something to deserve some of the great rewards of recovery, things change and I'm struggling again just to accept that I have no guarantees other than the simple promise of NA. That an addict, any addict can stop using, lose the desire to use, and learn a new way to live. It's the last part that seems to keep me most occupied these days. What I learned yesterday doesn't make getting through today any more automatic.

The kewl part is I've been dropping in here, browsing posts and even though I've been feeling a little guilty for not responding to everyone, its kept my connection and today your post managed to turn on the light bulb . Aha! I'm not suppposed to be superman, or perfect at anything. I just have to do the best I can each day, and somedays, all i have to do is just stay clean and thats enough.

Unfortunately that doesn't pay bills, do the laundry, wash the dishes, finish the barn, or clean the house. It does however guaranteee me that I will have a better chance of getting to those things and sorting them out than if I dissapear alltogether back into my darkness.

I'm really glad you posted this as much as you felt you needed to for yourself, it was an unselfish act of empathy that may have helped more than you or i will ever know.

Hang in there ... and I'll hang in there with ya.

Paulie

One addict helping another and they didn't even know it .

Namommy, just by posting you have reached out and done something for yourself.
big hugs to you!!

And Goochy....big hugs to you to!!!! thanks for sharing your 'aha' with us. I just love when that happens.

godsonmyside

Godd, Bad and Indifferent, Its all part of thre message. I haven't been posting lately either, My life is pretty busy, and I have been doing pretty good Today. I need you guys to show me we get through our stuggles. I just moved back home last week after my wife and I split up for a little over a month, her dad dying, and Life on lifes terms. Addicts helping other addicts not use and get through another day without the use of drugs, its a beautiful thing.
Everything going on with my life just has to be turned over to the God of my understanding and I really believe he can and will do for me what I cannot do for myself. My life is pretty simple when I can do that.
Todd J.

Patsyd1

Hi Namommy,

Well I am really glad that you did come on, because it sounds as if you are sitting on the pity pot, and blaming the fact that you have given until you are empty, and getting nothing in return. When the reality is that you haven't been taking care of YOU. I would suggest that you get honest with yourself about the fact that you are in need of a new sponsor, and possibly the need to give up some sponsees until you get some balance back in your own life first. Its not fair to any sponsee to have a sponsor who is an example of not taking care of herself, and having nothing left to give, as a direct result of not taking responsibility for your own recovery. We can not give away, what we do not have. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.... HALT and do what you need to do to take care of you hon.

Its ok Namommy, to take care of you first. Sometimes we *expect* that others will be there no matter what, and being simply human, they will sometimes let us down through no fault of their own. Sh*t happens. I would suggest that you are setting yourself for the fall by focusing on what you are not getting, instead of taking responsibility for you and your own recovery, accepting what IS, and then DOING something about it for you.

If you have nothing left to give, then it could be that you are keeping the focus on how everyone else is doing, to the total detrement of how you are "really" doing. Time to get some balance, by attending meetings for you, and getting an additional sponsor, one who is able to give you the time that you need and deserve

namommy

Thank you all.

I don't have any answers yet, I only feel a little better today, I finally got some sleep tonite. No luck getting rid of the headache yet though. I have a few more worries on my mind. Another sponsee and her 2 kids became homeless this weekend and I just found out today. I feel bad, because there is just no more room here at the Inn. My co-workers were teasing me today about I should hang up a neon sign in front of my house that reads "Strays welcome". It is what I do, it is what I've always done. (since I have been able to, anyway).

Gooch, let me know how you are getting along. and your right, we need to stay clean and recover if other things are to be accomplished. (I think it is that 'sunlight deprivation thing', you know, bikers need to be out in the open sunshine. lol) I have to go track one down for a winter ride. I have long johns!

Patsy,
I know I need to do something about my sponsorship situation. I just feel that first I need to talk to her and give her a chance. I don't think it is right to just drop her, I don't even think she has been aware of all of this. As far as my sponsees, I would never bail on anyone, or 'fire' a sponsee for any reason. I was taught that everything is temporary, and 'This too shall pass'.

Patsyd1

NAmommy, I am not suggesting that you drop your sponsor or not give her a chance, but honey this is about giving you a chance, because if you have nothing left to give, then you have nothing left in your own reserves. Its ok if she hasn't been aware of all this, she doesn't have to be, you do hon. Her being your sponsor, she would want you to do what you have to do to take care of you and your own sobriety. Thats what good sponsors are about, and I am sure that yours is no different.

I am not suggesting to bail on your sponsees either, what I am suggesting is that if you don't start taking care of you, then you won't be the only one suffering, your sponsees will suffer also. Sponsoring is a commitment, and its a vital commitment to taking care of YOU, so that you can be there for them. If you aren't there for you, then you sure as hell can't be there for anyone else.

I was taught that as long as I doing what I was suppose to be doing, then yes, everything is temporary and this too shall pass. The truth is that if I am not doing what I am suppose to be doing, then its my own sobriety that might be temporary, and nothing is worth that.


Its ok to want to help others, but if its at the expense of your own sobriety or your own sanity, then its not really helping at all... is it? There is a major difference between caring about others, and caring for them. No one is helping anyone by taking care of them, we help one another by sharing our own experience, strength and hope, and being an example of what this simple program can do in our own lives by keeping our number one priority in place.

I hope that you understand that I am saying this because I have seen what happens to those who are better at caring for others, then they are at caring about or for themselves. Not a healthy thing hon for us, our sobriety or anyone else. You take care, and I will be thinking of you. ((((NAmommy))))