wichitagirl

Hi, gang,

I'm the 'miracle girl' who you coaxed/convinced to go into rehab...... and once there.....I got clean! But I never found NA meetings worthwhile to go to, cause I was "CLEAN"!! Why did I need the meetings???? I was CLEAN!! WOO - HOO!

However, when I came off the pain pills I was suffering intense tooth pain (my dentist figures I've had a bad tooth for quite awhile..... wonders how come I never felt it and came in sooner? I didn't tell him my dirty secret...that I never FELT it!......Oh, Lord, I should have!) --- SO. I had to have a root canal, and ........I got me a prescription so I would have "something for the pain" Why not? I thought: "I'll just use them for the pain....like normal people!"

Riiiiiight. WTF was I thinking?????

Have already reordered from my trusy internet pharmacy. Dammit!

What now?

Gooch

What now?


What do you want to do?

You can go back to rehab. They can help you get clean again.

How are you going to stay clean after you get back out?

The message of Narcotics Anonymous is :

That an addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use, and learn a new way to live.


First don't best yourself up. many of us have to learn the hard way that getting clean isn't enough for us.

I hope that you'll cancel the order and flush your stash, pick up the phone to call teh NA helpline, then get to a meeting.

Addicts know how to use. Recovering addicts learn how to stay clean.

You have to decide which you want to be.

Roxann

Great advice Gooch. I agree. WG, flush that stash and cancel that script. You CAN quit and stay clean. I recommend going to the meetings. You'll get so much more out of it than you think.

Keep posting.

comfortablynumb

:shrug:

Roxann

I love that quote.

comfortablynumb

Thanks!!

BTW, WG, many of us have had dental procedures done without Vicodin, myself included.
Teeth pulled, root canals, crowns...
And I am NOT one with a high tolerance for pain.
Because I know that you are smart, and I know from experience..
that if we look for an excuse, we will surely find one.
Love you!!
(((((((((((WG)))))))))))))

wichitagirl

Yes, yes, true Gooch ~ I have to NOT beat myself up; my counselor told me that I'm harder on myself then anyone she's every met!

All I know is I'm scared, and I WANT to quit, and I know I have to do that TODAY or I'm in deep doo-doo.

BUt I have to overcome the desire for the high - which is lovely again because I went through detox and my body is reacting the way it did in the beginning - it doesn't take 12 pills to get that love 'up' feeling.

Which is very inconvenient, I must say.

Comfortable: you're the best..... love the quote, love you - what a dear, new friend I've found in you...... I'm so grateful

I'll post back later - going to go try to find a meeting to go to today....

Paulie

WG -

It won't be long before it is taking 12 pills again, the 'newness' of using again lasts a shorter amount of time each time we pick up.

Flush them, and yes get to a meeting.

It is up to you. Call the rehab you went to, see if they have an after care program that can help. Be honest with your counselor and honest with dentist/drs etc. Honesty helps keep us clean.

You can do this. You slipped, you are still alive, so you can start again.

ashley80

If you go to a meeting and share about what is going on with you, you can find somone to come over and help you "flush". You can also find someone to help you cut off your online source....I'm so familiar with that wretched way of obtaining my suicide potion....I still shake inside every time the UPS truck comes down my street, even though I know it's not stoppin' here.

ashley

Cathy31

Meeting go-ers make it

(or something like that!!!wHATEVER THE PREcise wording - it works!sorry I am in hotel with wonky keyboard!!).

You know what to do.

We're here for you. Do what you need to do.

Cathy31
x

Gooch

Woohoo! Ashley .. you've come a long way sista!

Cathy do you have to be Irish to say wonky?
no?
Good!
I've got lots of wonky bits around this place

ashley80

Hi Gooch...thank you! A long way....and a looooonnng way to go! But it's getting better, daily...er, ok, not daily, but at least weekly.

wichitagirl

I had this dream last night that I was in a house looking out into freedom - it WAS attainable, now the door is closing.......on me and houseful of vicodin tablets!

I've got to get to a meeting! I've already reordered (that's twice!), and I don't EVEN want to do that rehab thing again...... that was more awful than I imagined it would be.

We'll see what happens if I can find a meeting......

Thanks for all your kind words and help. I won't give up quiting until I'm successful. I'm trying to keep saying that to myself so I'll believe it!

ashley80

You've got a lot of strength, WG, and that determination not to give up is what will get you where you need to be in the end. Just don't ever give up. Hugs!

WNY Addict

Freedom is available to you whenever you decide that you really want it, wichitagirl. It's available to any addict that desires it.



All it takes from you in order to earn that freedom is a desire to stop using. You seem to have that desire... but reordering refill after refill of hydrocodone off the internet isn't going to take you anywhere but downhill. It's kind of silly to have soberrecovery.com on one window while you're reordering your DOC on another, no?

You may want the pain and insanity to go away, but do you really want to quit? Have you had enough already? Do you think you can beat opiates your way?

I never went back to using the same way when I relapsed. It went from a few here and there for fun to 8 a day, daily. From 8 a day it went to 16. From 16 I eventually got to 60. When 60 wasn't working I discovered the "beauty" of mainlining drugs through a vein.

The truth is it's never the same as the first time... and it just gets worse each time you go back. Your addiction will have you chasing that first high feeling right into a grave.

If you think you're different than the millions and millions of addicts that've failed miserably before you, God Bless.

sariestruggles

I relate to the toothache bit. When I stopped using, and got past the basic WD, I still in immense pain becuase, as it turns out I had 4 very bad teeth. My dentsist also wondered how the heck I walked around for years with so much (painful) damage. I knew exactly how I did it! I am in the middle of getting them fixed and taking Advil (my dentist does not believe in narcotic painkillers - another struggle avoided!). I also have a fractured heel that I have not taken care of (although there is not much you can do), becuase I did not feel it.
Anyhow, I was just thinking about getting clean, and how all the pain that the dope was surpressing comes rushing back. Of course, the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain the dope was masking. So I am trudging through all the pain, opting to try and heal it, rather than just hide it...

ihavemanynames

I've had many dental procedures since i quit dope and I'll have many more in the years to come. The first time I went to the dentist to have some teeth pulled, the dentist looked straight at me and asked, "Are you on illegal drugs?" I assured him that I was not, but that I had begun the NA program and was an addict. (I even showed him my shiny new blue keytag, like that was some sort of universally accepted form of identification....heheheh...what a maroon!) Long story short: I had a mouthful of cotton, blood dripping down my chin, missing two molars, and standing in line at Thrifty's waiting to pick up my scrip for.....Ibuprofen!
Ever since that first time, I've always told dentists and MDs up front that I'm an addict. So maybe I don't get the most powerful pain medication. So effin what? BFD. It's saving my life and maybe yours.

wichitagirl

WNY - You're a wise soul, aren't you? Every single post you have written for me cuts through all the BS and gets to the heart of the matter in a gentle, loving - but firm and straightforward - way. I suspect you know intimately of what you are talking about.

Yes, I want to be free of the drug's effects on my life.....but am I wanting free of the drug yet? Yes, this is a good question you ask. Can I beat my opiates 'my way'? I have a plan...yes! A big fat plan!

I go to the library to get books on addiction, I go to counseling, I go to meetings.....and then I come home and reorder. Some plan. Needs a slight revision.

Sariestruggles -I am in awe of the strength you describe! How do you do it? What 'bottom' have you reached that overrides the pain of 4 (4!) toothaches and a fractured heel. I wonder? Will I hit that kind of a bottom? I'm certainly headed in that direction. I wish you freedom from ALL your pain - you are exceptional and WILL get clean, there is no question in my mind.

ihavemanynames - yes, I was told to tell my dentist that I was an addict, but CHOSE not to. I'm realizing now that it was the addict in me that made that choice. I, too, must work on saving my life - I appreciate your strong words and warnings.

God bless and keep all of you, and pray for ME, won't you? - I will need them if I am to succeed.

2 steps backwards, and I must try to stand to take one forwards now.

WNY Addict

I got nothing but love for you, wg

I completely understand the over-rationalizing of addiction. I've been there... and I've done that. The book reading, counselors and meetings did nothing for me but make me relapse time-and-again. I always considered myself over educated, and I thought my medical background could help me dig myself from the hole of "this thing other people were calling addiction".

Yeah... right.

I'm a junkie. I may have strutted through 4 years of school, a tough nursing license exam, and plenty of nerve shattering trauma situations... but the bottom line is that I'm a junkie that can't say no to drugs. I work The Program, I work The Steps, I call my sponsor daily, I go to a sponsorship support group weekly, I go to 3-5 NA meetings weekly, I do phoneline work, I read NA literature (and other self-help literature) daily, but I still am completely powerless over a pill... or an injectable. I'm an addict, and I'll be an addict until the day that I drop over. I accept that... but I still know that I never have to use again

Do you get it? You can't do it alone, wg, and you have to really want recovery.

I'm powerless and I always will be. With a program though... I'm never alone. EVER!

sariestruggles

wg - I cried when i read your response to me. It was the first time it hit me that people on this forum really listen, really care. We are reaching out for each other, sharing our stories our pain our struggles.
I have bottomed out so many times I can't even remember - always thinking - 'this is it - this is as low as i can go - this will make me stop' but it never really did. I'm trying so damn hard right now, I am a mess. I want out and so do you. We will find our way out of the darkness and pain. We have to