Jennaddict

First of all, I have to say that the thread I just read about the need to go to NA meetings has actually made me commit to going to my second meeting tonight in a few hours

My first meeting was terrible yet very good. The topic was principals over personality. Everybody in the meeting was very funny, interesting and inspiring. However at the end of the meeting, no one reached out to me, gave me any reason to come back, etc. I had already went to a 7pm meeting near my house and NOBODY was there and got really frustrated. It took me a good month to get up the guts/motivation to go too. I'm surprised I looked in my little pamphlet and went to the next meeting 20 miles away.

So anyhow, I was really looking forward to someone to even say hi to me outside the meeting. I even stood and waited for the chairman to stop messing with his forms so that I could ask if he could cross off the dead meetings in my pamphlet for 5 minutes and nobody spoke to me I have a father who is really into AA and he told me to expect an out reach, lol.

So I came home pissed and in tears. I looked in the book my father gave me, a daily reflections book that has a nifty little index in back for passages like newcomers and impatiesciense (I just murdered that word, didn't I?). So first I looked up what everybody was supposed to do with a newcomer and felt better that I was indeed right and they messed up, lol. I then ran into a passage on impatscience (I hate that word) that kinda spoke to me. I was impatescience (I figure if I spell it differently each time I'll get it right eventually) that made me storm out of that room. I then looked up princibles over personality and decided that I need to over come my bad experience and with them and attend again, regardless of how hurt I felt.

Anyhow, all that was just rambling really. I'm ready to recover and excited about it. There is just one little hang up and feel the need for someone to tell me I belong here, that they accept I do have a problem.

My addiction is marijuana. I've been told my entire life that marijuana wasn't addicting and easy to stop. Hell, ever see the movie Half Baked? If you have, Bob Saget is right, I haven't ever sucked dick for pot, lol.

I'm nearing 14 years of addiction and at least 13 years of trying to stop on my own. I come from a long line of addicts on each side of my family and just recently came to realize (after my car got repo'd and my life started to go down the drain) that my addiction is no different than theres. So pot doesn't make me stumble around and make people irritated with me... but I'm addicted to it all the same. Pot is my drug of choice and it could have easily of been something else.

There is so much more I could add to my "story" but I'll spare you all. Perhaps I'll share another day all the details of it all.

I'm just a bit apprehensive of what people will think when I tell people my drug is marijuana. Peoples attitudes about it are very different than mine. Infact, I just told my best friend that I still am smoking pot (we have been friends since 15) and she laughed and said "I just assumed you stopped that a long time ago. Your almost 30, why don't you grow up". It's just not that easy.

Pot is eating my life away. I was "managing" it in the years past but this last year has been a big down hill saga. Like I said, my car got repo'd. I didn't pay my bills due to motivation issues and then spent the money on the $20 every day or two addiction. I've hurt my father and have isolated myself from my family. I've been blaming my anti-depressant use... constantly adjusting my dose, figuring I'm taking too much or too little. It finally hit me like a brick... it's the pot.

What's great is that I think I was somewhat working the steps before I knew them. I figured out what my problem was and accepted that I was powerless over it. Since I admitted my powerlessness (did I just make up a word?), I even admitted to my father my problem. NO ONE in my life had a clue. I've been good at keeping it secret (or maybe I figured out my problem before they did?)

Anyhow, I'm doing some serious rambling. I hope you have a little bit of something to say to me as this is my first "share" within NA. I'm a very shy person and I do worry about what people think of me. I think it will be forever and a day before I EVER speak at a meeting, lol.

Thanks for reading my novel. Glad you made it this far! Please forgive all the grammar and spelling errors

~Jen

octoberbabye

Jen,
Keep posting here and going to meetings. Ask for a temporary sponsor. Get phone numbers. Meet and stick with the winners. Chase after sobriety and clean time like you chased after getting high. It sounds like you have taken the first step. The program of recovery is a process, not an event or else this is all we would have to do.
Welcome.

Time2Surrender

Jen,welcome to SoberRecovery.I am glad your here.And I can really relate to your post.I am sorry to hear your first meeting was a disapointment.Dont let that stop you.Every group is a little different.And some groups are a little clicky.My advice is to keep going back.Another suggestion is,maybe try AA too.I was mostly into drugs.However,I attend more AA meetings than NA.And when Im at an AA meeting out of respect for the group I announce myself as an alcoholic and try not to talk about drugs.As far as being shy and sharing at meetings,that will pass.

Aa_vark

Hi Jenn,

I'm a recovering addict, my name is Aaron.

Welcome to Sober recovery. You should be proud of yourself, for reaching out for support. Im proud of you! I have been in recovery for almost 2 years, myself. My addiction had me abusing alot of drugs. Alcohol, pot, crack...My drug of choice is more... I kept digging new bottoms, doing things i never thought that i would do, getting worse as time went on. I found hope, and a program of recovery in NA and AA... I attend alot of AA meetings, now mostly - I've been in groups like the one you described, and groups much more active in welcoming the newcomers. My suggestion is to keep trying different meetings, you will find groups that you like -

I can relate to what you say about managing for a long time. And iI also know what you mean about isolating - i have isolated many people out of my life. For someone who introduced herself as a stranger - You're not a stranger to this addict. I can tell you that addiction has the same symptoms, no matter what our drug of choice has been....And every story I hear, about things others did while getting and using drugs - the things that i havent done - I realize that those are Yet's - If i dont work a program of recovery, and do things every day for my recovery, I will be back out there in no time...

Please continue to reach out, and try different meetings . Also, get the Literature, and a sponser to work the steps with. Many who were worse off have recovered and are living clean one day at a time. Many more never had the chance we have - and the support of a recovery comminuty. Quitting the drugs leads to a solution - the solution that works is in the steps!

eddie z.

So don't tell anyone. Seriously, in NA, "we do not care what or how much you used..." People don't generally ever say what their drug was, at least in the meetings I go to. You are already seeing the similarities; don't look for the differences.

I'm sorry you had a bad first experience. And I know it's tough being shy, but you should probably introduce yourself. "Hi, I'm a NEW addict and my name is Jen." If people realize you're new, they should approach you. If they don't, take the schedule around to some women you've heard share and just ask for their phone numbers. The worst they can do is say no, and that's unlikely.

Plus you're in a big city. If you didn't like that meeting, I'm sure there are many others to choose from. Keep trying.

And WELCOME TO SR!!!

Peace, love, and s,
Eddie

P.S. It's "impatience." teehee. And powerlessness is a word you'll probably be hearing alot.

Jennaddict

Thanks a TON everybody! I will be back to respond better to all of you as you each did say something that spoke to me in great way.

I've got to be going to that meeting now though so I'm pressed for time. I'll come back for sure, I need all the help and support I can get and having some on the internet (where I waste my day at) is GREAT!

Tee Hee, I'll practice how to spell that one word too! BTW, I'm near Seattle... like 60 miles away, lol. But there are plenty of meetings around me and I'm going to go for the "90 days/90 meetings" thing.

Oh, I have so much to say... I'll be back, gotta go!

~Jen

Time2Surrender

Sounds great Jen! Let us know how it goes.By the way,were neigbors,Im in Oregon,

Gooch

Welcome Jen!

Not that it matters to NA as a whole ....we don't care what you used, or who your connections were, we're only interested in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help.

I was a pothead. That was my primary means of staying numbed. I did lots of other drugs as well over the 15 or 16 years I was an active addict. Booze was what kept getting me arrested and what I first figured I needed help quitting and I wentto AA first. I met some great folks that went to NA meetings at a function and I felt like I finally fit in somewhere when I made it to my first NA meeting. That was back in 88' and I eventually ditched my reservations and made the decision to really work a first step in 1991. In a couple days it will be 13 years and 11 months I've been clean from evrything but coffee and cigarettes. ( I've still got a few reservations and powelessness issues with those substances.

I'm really sorry that you weren't made to feel more welcome. Sometimes I see new faces at meetings around here and after the meeting when I go to give them a hug and say hi, they seem to be allready out the door. They always told me to "come early and stay late, and be sure to check out the meetng after the meeting" The first couple years I was coming around, I learned a lot about recovery by going out for coffee after the meetings.

I hope you keep giving NA a chance until you find a meeting you feel good about. Thats pretty impressive that you looked at your impatience as a factor in your feelings. Sounds like you have the openmindedness necessary to hear the messgae.

Keep coming back.

Shakur T.

Hi Jen,
I'm an addict named Shakur. Sorry your first couple of meetings didn't go too well, but keep coming back it get's greater later :shades:

Your drug of choice is not really important. What you want to do about your problem and how we can help is what's important. You sound pretty confident and I am sure you will be just fine. I have found a home in NA and I don't go to other fellowship meetings (my choice). When I did I just got confused. So, I try to keep it simple and deal with the disease of addiction. I pray that you find what works best for you and stick with it.

Peace

Jennaddict

First I would like to say that my second meeting ever was MUCH better than the last one I attended. They had candles and turned of the lights... felt much more personal. I would have even talked if I was asked too (I know I can jump right in but shyness keeps me from doing that). I saw a few people that was at my last meeting and told them how disappointed I was and they made a point to talk to me, lol. They also said that the meeting I went to wasn't very good, in their opinion of course.

The one lady I was talking to lives two blocks up the road from me and was very nice. I could see being friends with her even, so that makes me glad. I think I will follow them around to the meetings they go to, lol.

This is something that makes me proud of myself. I've realized and accepted my problem before I had any issues with the law and before the courts ordered me. I hit what I felt was rock bottom but I'm realizing that it could of been A LOT worse and still could be.

Impatience, impatience impatience impatience impatience... ugh, I still don't think I'll remember that! One thing I dislike about vBulletin boards is the lack of spellcheck!

Um, what else did I want to comment about...? Oh, I do have the NA book and a AA Daily Reflections book (I like that one). I've read almost all of the NA book and It somehow strangely applies to my life, lol.

Folks, I'm very excited about this. I want to be part of the fellowship, I want clean friends, ahem, I mean, I want friends. I've isolated myself so much that my only friends are my husband and my pot dealer of 9 years.

Um, about that first meeting I went too... they asked if there was any first timers and I raised my hand and they passed around the meeting list and everybody put their phone numbers on it. I just am too shy to call a stranger up, not even knowing which person in the meeting I was speaking too, kwim? I think that they might have just been a bit too wrapped up in themselves at the moment and over looked me. I suppose the only way they'll remember how important it is to reach out to newcomers is if I go back to another meeting and tell them how I felt, lol.

There is so much in my life I need to work on and it's overwhelming. However, I've been trying to accomplish overcoming my addiction for 13 years now... I just was doing a half assed, uneducated job at it.

Again, thanks for all the support and whatnot on this thread. It made me tear up before I left. I've been a little weepy and goofy about all of this so excuse how lame I souud, lol.

~Jen

eddie z.

Although I usually put my name & number down when a schedule is passed around, I really think it's better if you go up to people after and ask them for their info. You can put a face with the name that way. Make mental notes of who says what and decide whose numbers you actually want.

You're doing great! I really admire your enthusiasm. Keep up the good work!
Peace, love, and hugs,
Eddie

WNY Addict

Hi Jen.

I don't see anything funny with someone attending NA because of a pot smoking problem. I know of several people who only abused pot, and I'm sure you'll find that there's plenty of other people who attend NA meetings for the exact same reason..... and none other. It's nice that you're able to recognize that you have a problem, and it's admirable that you're seeking out help. Kudos

As for the meeting, just keep going..... and go to other meetings!

Some groups appeal to different people, in different surroundings, for different reasons. The newcomer is the most important person at a meeting, and chances are you were at a newer meeting..... or one where the members are just real "clicky".
I hate that :mad1:

Unfortunately it happens. I have certain meetings I use for different reasons. I have my basic meetings that I hit up whenever I'm off, but occasionally I'll go to a more "hard-nosed" meeting when I really want it..... or need it.

Keep on going. You'll see what I mean, and you'll come to love it

Peace

godsonmyside

At some of our meetings in this area, at the end of meeting we anounce "Don't judge NA as a whole on what you may or may not have heard hear tonight", it is important to keep trying.
It doesn't matter what you used, Addiction is a deadly disease.. I have baked my brain cells, it is a disease that tells us "we're not as bad as them", and in the long run we are slowly committing suicide. Keep up the meetings, find a sponsor, get involved and welcome. Keep coming back!!!!!!!
Todd J.

Jennaddict

Thanks again!

I'm pretty excited to go tomorrow and even more excited to go to the Friday meeting that the gals I met were raving about!

I called my father in Alaska to tell him that I not only went to the first meeting that I promised him I'd attend but yet another. I find it very odd yet very nice that I'm able to speak freely about this with him. He is also honored that I would trust him enough to share it with him and looked to him and his life with AA for answers. I need someone to be looking over me and I believe he's it. Maybe someday I will find my higher power and replace him... that will be a tough step for me, even with my 8 years of Christian schooling, lol.

I've been talking to my husband about coming to a meeting and he agreed (well, I kinda told him to come) to go tomorrow. We always figured it was just me who had the problem and I was the one who was keeping him going but that just isn't the case. He just smokes less and hasn't lost control like I have this past year. He comes from a long line of addicts too and has agreed that he too just might have a problem.

I feel that I'm in a great mind set for recovery. Nothing forced me to go (court order, family, etc) but my own acceptance of having a problem that I cannot fix on my own.

I'm just feeling good about myself right now, lol. I'm a bit in the bragging mood so sorry if I'm being a bit obnoxious about it right now. I'm trying to keep that mood too as I have to leave for work now... the iffiest of places for me to be. I deliver newspapers in the middle of the night and that's the worst for me. I don't think there has been more than five times I've been weedless/resinless on my route. Last night I pulled over and searched the floor board for stray buds. I felt really classy

I'm going to just keep my thoughts on NA things and try to continue being proud of myself. One good thing is that even if I wanted to smoke, I couldn't get it at that hour. Perhaps I'll occupy my mind with ways I can change my mindset on the route instead of "I'm turning on Brandstrom Rd, time to load". The urge to smoke is so powerful.

I will get a sponsor ASAP. I'm a bit unsure what I'm supposed to do with a sponsor, but I will read up on it. I got tons of pamphlets tonight, one is on that topic.

I'm very happy I found this message board. Like I said, I waste a good chunk of my day on the computer so this will work out great for me.

Thanks for listening and taking the time to type the well though out replies.

I'll see you tomorrow,
~Jen

eddie z.

Jen,
My husband and I used together too and I felt, well, feel, largely responsible for his problem. I'll sort that out in my Eighth Step, I guess. Anyway, the good news is we have the same clean date, are both very involved in NA, and recently both celebrated two years clean! So it's great about your husband agreeing to go to a meeting.

We tore the lining off the bottom of our loveseat looking for stuff. I believe it's called "insanity?"

Keep coming back, Jen! Your excitement is contagious.
Peace, love, and hugs,
Eddie

Moontime

Jen,
Keep going don't let the disease tell you it's not worth going to any other meetings. Sometimes when I bought weed it was really terrible, but I smoked it anyway. Sometimes meetings are a little bit off-color and members are in self-centered mode, that they didn't take time for the newcomer that day, but you gotta keep going anyway. You will find a meeting that works for you.

namommy

Jen,

Welcome to SR. I am late as usual.

I am glad you decided to go to another meeting. I had a similar experience at a meeting here. But, unlike you, I am not shy, and I came into NA with a HUGE chip on my shoulder and raised my hand and asked "What the F*** is wrong with you people, I'm new and you are ignoring me?" I was quite obnoxious when I was new (still can be at times).lol

na4today

Hi Jen

I wanted a meeting so bad but was scared. I drove all over town watched others go in the meetings, then I would drive home feeling like a failure. One day I just got out of the car and walked up. There was a ton of people, at least 40 standing outside. Not one person said anything, just kinda looked at me and that's it. I ended up feeling like it was a private party and I left. I still wanted the meeting, just not there. I called an addict and this person met me at the door for my first meeting. The people there were real nice. Most are in an inpatient center so we can't go have coffee after the meeting or switch numbers but I like it there. About a month later I met some of those people that didn't welcome me. They were nice too. I'm glad you found a comfortable place for meetings. Keep coming back, NA rocks!!

na4today

Time2Surrender

Jen,you sound like your really doing good.I also really appreciate you coming here and sharing your progress.Reading this thread makes me think of a few things.i remember my first few meetings here in Oregon.Just like na4today said.I walked up and all these people were hanging out,no one even seemed to notice me.Like I was at a private party.I felt like an outsider.Funny thing is,some of the people I remember from those first few meetings are my best friends today.This also reminds me that maybe I should be more aware of the newcomer standing alone before or after a meeting.I allways try to make a newcomer feel welcome,but I also think sometimesI can get wrapped up in myself too.I am kinda glad I came in here and read this today.Just the reminder I needed.

eddie z.

Sometimes I'm just as shy about greeting newcomers as they are about speaking up. I'm nervous about what to say and stuff. Know what I mean? :shysmile:

Peace, love, and hugs,
Eddie